LightInside

What do you guys make of this?

XAP texted me tonight at 5:17, asking if he got a package. I told him yes. He had been telling me he might get a package with some music equipment. When it arrived, I set it aside, knowing that he would get it when he comes to see our son tomorrow. I actually thought he'd be seeing our son yesterday (Friday), but he had made other plans. On Thursday, I had a weird feeling, so I texted him as soon as i woke up asking what Friday's plan was. He said that he didn't know we were still on that routine and that he had a probation meeting and community service to do. He said that he still wants to see our soon and that I can't enforce supervised visits until the judge signs the orders. I told him I know that, but that I don't know when he's trying to see our son. I still haven't clarified with him that I don't intend to let him be alone with our son, even until the judge signs off. We have court in 9 days.

Anyway, this its what went down after that text tonight. I replied that yes, his package had come.
XAP: Jeez thanks for telling me. I've been waiting for that for 4 months! I'm going to come get it right now and my big headphones from the garage.

Me: I figured you'd get it when you came to see *****. I'd appreciate if you don't come here while I'm home. Please wait a couple of hours. [Keep in mind that I have informed him that I want no contact other than text or email regarding our son and just yesterday he mentioned in a text that he understands and respects that.]

XAP: No, I want it now. I'll text you when I'm close, just go in your room and I'll get it and go.

At that point I have no idea what neighborhood he's coming from or hire long he'll take, so II decide to continue trying to feed my son, but I have our jackets ready so we can just leave when X sends his text.

16 minutes later:
X: ok I'm here. Can i come get my stuff? (He blocks me into the driveway).

So I end up going into my room and text him that it looks like he doesn't want to wait for an answer, so there he goes. I ask if he'll text when he leaves.

A little background: He's going to move back into this house as soon as I can find a place, but right now we're both on the lease. This is a guy who broke up with me so that he could"become the person I was meant to be." Same person who says he's quit drinking and that he wants to be single so he can "become a better person."
This kind of behavior is self centered and does not demonstrate a better person to me. I think his priorities are skewed. He tells me that he wants to see our son, that he doesn't need supervised visits, but he works overtime or plans community service during his time with his son and has not responded with in the legal time frame to the parenting plan I served him with.

Ugh. Alcohol ate my beloved. Thanks for letting me vent.

Leana

Did you look in the package? Was it actually what he said it was? I find it odd that he was waiting for the items for 4 months and yet knew the exact day it was delivered. Don't you?

LightInside

Well, I remember when he bought the thing. It was supposedly manufactured as a limited edition or something. Actually, I think he even bought it more than 4 months ago, because we were still together at the time. It was from a place that had audio in their name, but maybe it's a cover for something. That didn't really occur to me. I just thought it odd/lame that the arrival of a piece of music equipment is so important to him, but drafting a response to my proposed parenting plan is not. I feel like he hasn't even read the papers or something. I have seen 3 copies of all his medical bills arrive since his injury and arrest 3 months ago, but those don't seem to be priorities either. Fortunately, his bills are none of my business. I would have never heard the end of it if I'd open his stinkin' package. I try not to meddle in his affairs either.

Also, if he could wait 4 months for the thing, why couldn't he wait 1 more day or 2 more hours? He had been pretty respectful of my NC request for the last couple of weeks, but I feel like tonight was a bit bully-ish. really goes back and forth with being very nice to me and then kind of hostile. I felt like he was being hostile tonight, though it's hard to say in text. I can't wait for or temporary parenting plan to start.

LightInside

Kind of a silly subject line. How can anyone make any sense of an alcoholic's behavior? This was just the typical self-centered entitlement and irresponsibility/immaturity. No?

lillamy

Yup. I think you answered your one question.

choublak

Way too much fuss over a dang package, is what I think of the situation.

What exactly is in that package that can't wait til tomorrow?

dandylion

Yeah, LightInside----self-centered entitlement. Me thinks that you would do yourself a big favor by condisering the lowering of your expectations of him. In other words--expect this sort of crap---don't allow yourself to be surprised by it---don't even get into disappointment by it. Lowered expectations result in less resentment and pain.....all of which are big stressors for YOU.

Keep your boundaries, though. The more you detach (lowering expectations is a way of detaching) and calmly enforce your own boundaries---the better you will feel. I promise...LOL.

Lowering expectations is also a part of acceptance---not accepting the unacceptable--but, accepting the reality of the sitution.

dandylion

LightInside

Thank you all. Dandylion, you are right on. I guess I'm realizing that this lowering of expectations is continuous. I have had to gradually lower my expectations or be completely bewildered for the last several years. My expectations have become extremely incongruous with his behavior since our son was born 18 months ago. The breakup and his defense against me coming at him legally have brought a new need for lowered expectations. He had yelled and criticized a lot while we were together, but never swore at me. In the last couple of weeks, he has said "Eff you" to me twice. I seriously have come to think of alcohol as a parasite that hijacks brains. This behavior would have been completely out of character for him 3 years ago. It's easier for me to let go when he acts this mean.

dandylion

LightInside---Yes, this seems to demonstrate that alcoholism is a progressive disease--it does get worse over time. You can actually watch it change who they are!!!!!

dandylion

LightInside

It's amazing how much I've learned in the last 3.5 months. I thought I knew about this stuff, but no, I really didn't. It's so sad. I miss that guy who used to be my best friend.

csd

Im with you Light, all the way. my thoughts are with you.

hopeful4

Every single time I think I have alcohol/addiction figured out some new little tidbit turns up. It makes the addict sneaky, inconsiderate, and in many cases mean. It just blows my mind. My AH keeps sneaking in these little snarky comments to me lately then wants to cuddle the next min...WHAT THE HE@@??!! It's absolutely nuts. Now the new thing...I guess we are on to Nyquil tablets. He is so "sick." Well, if you are sick for over 3months you should generally see a doctor for that..just saying....

I don't know. I totally get what you are saying Light. I'm sorry you are going through this, as I am for all of us.

Hugs to you.