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Old 10-31-2013, 01:18 PM
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Step-Dad

Hi im new to this but i would like to share my story. I live at home with my mom step dad and 2 sisters. my younger cousin is also staying with us due to his mother is mentally ill and in the hospital. we also have 2 dogs and my cousins dog at home. My step dad is a alcoholic and has quit drinking maybe 2 times in his life and would be good for about a year then we would go to friends of the family party then 1 turns into 20 then he gets back into normal routine. my mother used to drink fairly heavily herself but they quit together and now she has been sober for quiet i few years she had had breast cancer 2 summers ago she is a survivor if i didnt have my mother this family would not be together. so we have my step dad he has made a good bit of changes over the years he as quit his substance addictions but still is a raging alcoholic he works 7-3 mon-fri. the week is not that aweful we have a routine no one talks to him after 5 and he goes to bed at 7pm he wakes around 11 and eats dinner slams some doors bc we are usually still awake then around 4am he gets up and most of the time you can hear him throwing up in the bathroom this is a daily thing! its disgusting. weekends are the worst he still wakes up bright and early drinks one cup of coffee and then starts drinking EVERY saturday and sunday. he comes to no family functions and no one likes to come to our home bc he is rude to everyone then starts slamming stuff. the fights have been getting worse with us he ALWAYS has something to fight about if its a cup in the sink or one of the dogs need out or WE DONT DO STUFF AROUND THE HOUSE. when he is the one who is so drunk that he never finishes any projects or do it right. so my mom ignores his bitching and so do we but sometimes i cant help but get frustrated and yell back he has thrown the strainer full of dishes at me locked me in my room kicked my dog and my mother says NOTHING bc the next day he doesnt remember. well i do and no one seems to care that im trying to make the best of my life and im struggling in the house to keep calm. ive set a date to move out by january i need all the luck i can get.
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Old 10-31-2013, 01:25 PM
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O sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. How old are you? I ask because there are meetings called Alateen which can help you through this maize. I think your goal of moving out is a good one. Have you told your mom that is your plan? For myself, the risk of losing my child would have me planting a foot in his butt out the door very quickly. Maybe she does not realize how much you are suffering.

None of this is your fault at all. He is obviously riddled with alcoholism. You cannot control it but you can choose how to react to it. I hate to say, I would plan to be out of the house as much as possible. Do you have a safe place to stay? I know my DD is 14 and she has a couple of friends who practically live with us because their home is a very bad environment. Not that mine is always cake, but nothing like theirs. Try not to engage with him at all. There is absolutely no reason to even speak to someone who is drunk, it is a complete waste of your energy and emoation and will only produce frustrating results for YOU, as you said, HE will not remember at all.

Keep posting here, you are not alone. Please be safe. Sending you huge hugs!
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Old 10-31-2013, 01:54 PM
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I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this.

i cant help but get frustrated and yell back he has thrown the strainer full of dishes at me locked me in my room kicked my dog
This is abuse. I would consider contacting the police the next time he is throwing a drunken temper tantrum. I think it's great that you are getting out ASAP, but I am also concerned about the other people and pets getting the brunt of his abuse. This may seem extreme, but abuse is extreme.

I'm so sorry that your mom, for whatever reason, is not in a place to deal with this in a more forceful and productive way. Children deserve the protection and defense of their parents.
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Old 10-31-2013, 01:56 PM
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I have not advice, I am sorry.

You have my sympathy though. It is unbearable to live with such unpredictability in the home.

It is a human right that you are able to be relaxed and feel welcomed and secure in your own home. Everything else is unacceptable.

Why does your mother put up with him? Do you know why?

Take care.
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Old 10-31-2013, 02:01 PM
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I'm so sorry you're forced to live like this. And I'm happy you found us, and posted, because those of us who are parents need to know what it's like to be a kid in a family where someone's an alcoholic.

This was like a knife to my heart:
sometimes i cant help but get frustrated and yell back he has thrown the strainer full of dishes at me locked me in my room kicked my dog and my mother says NOTHING
That's my oldest daughter. My other kids would just try to sneak away when their dad was accusing them of not helping or doing something wrong. She would yell back at him, and he would be mean and verbally abusive to her. AND I DID NOTHING. Well, most of the time, I would intervene and try to redirect her to something else or try to get him to pay attention to something else. But I never once stood up for her when he attacked her and said "NO. You are WRONG. She is a CHILD and you cannot treat her this way."

There is no defending your mother. As a parent, it's your damn responsibility to defend your children. Always. She is failing you.

There is a reason she's failing you, though. She's scared. Maybe more scared than you are.

Do you have any support or help outside the family? Are you in school? Is there a counselor or nurse you can talk to? A pastor? Some other trusted adult? You are more than welcome here but I wish you also had someone in your life who could give you a hug and take you out for ice cream and say this to you and look you in the eye so you know it's the truth:

None of this is your fault.
You can't fix your stepdad. You can't save your mom. You can save yourself (and your dog!). You can build your own life and set an example for your siblings (if they're younger). Keep breathing. Keep planning. January is not far away.

Hugs.
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Old 10-31-2013, 02:08 PM
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i am 22 years old. i know most people might think wow your 22 you should of left years ago. its very hard to when i was working 2 jobs to try to enjoy life and have some nice things college never worked out were not the richest but also not the poorest. step dad pays his half of the bills which lately my mother has been covering his end bc he spends that much on beer and ciggarettes. he is banned from most bars around our house so he sits at home and goes crazy. but there is so much more to it then his alcoholism. everyone of my family members have something. my mom doesnt say no and trys to care for everyone and my sister just moved back home bc she got a dui and caught her brand new jeep on fire she only had it for a week and a half. lost her very good job because of it. and my youngest sister is partially metally retard as the doctors say. she is fully capable of living a normal life but she will never drive or live on her own and my step dad does not help with her anxiety when my mothers not home. but yes i try not to be there al little as possible it was working fairly well till i got a dog of my own so hes the only reason i go home everyday. i was taking care of my grandmother for a while but i missed having my own room and it was very hard to work 2 jobs and be there for her. i finally broke down and came home. my boyfriend helps me alot but sometimes i feel like i rely on him to much but whose there for me? my mother would be but im not hurting that bad and she should concentrate on others like my sister and neice but its hard i like to come on here and read things people post.
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Old 10-31-2013, 02:10 PM
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partially mentally retarded*
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Old 10-31-2013, 02:17 PM
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I had a friend in my 20s who called herself a "dandelion child." She said she did because dandelion seeds can fly long distances and put down roots and thrive anywhere, against all odds.

She came from a family very much like yours.

She left home as soon as she could (she was 15). Lied about her age to get an apartment with a landlord who wasn't all that particular with details. Washed dishes at night at a restaurant and got paid under the table. Finished high school. Got a job.

She said she felt guilty for leaving, and for leaving her younger siblings behind. But she said "I couldn't keep the whole family afloat but I was trying, and it was killing me. I figured at least if I got out, I would survive. And maybe I could build a life where I could help my siblings."

So that's the other thing I would say to you: On airplanes, they always tell you to "put on your own oxygen mask first before helping other passengers" and I think that's what we need to do when we're in bad dysfunctional families, too. Help yourself first. Because if you don't, you may all go down together.
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Old 10-31-2013, 02:19 PM
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My aunt opens her home to me while my cousin is away at college but they also have a dog and i just dont want to be a bother to them. my uncle works wierd shifts and sometime is on midnight and long shifts i just dont want to bother others id like to live on my own and not worry about others besides my dogs. it used to be easier when i was younger and didnt have responsabilitys like my dog and car and other bills. we used to live in a trailer park that had a huge field and a creek ran along it id always take my old dog down there and play til the sun went down. i visit there when i have free time and take my new dog to play like years ago.
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Old 10-31-2013, 02:30 PM
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id like to thank you guys to for giving me advice and reading this. half my frustrations i dont tell my bf his family is so different then mine i feel like he wont understand. he knows what goes on now but he has no idea of how it was to grow up with this.
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Old 11-01-2013, 03:56 PM
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Just wondering how you are doing today? You especially have been in my thoughts and prayers. I suggest being as honest as possible to as many people as possible, sometimes hope and help comes from places you expect it the least.

God Bless!
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Old 11-01-2013, 05:24 PM
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I'm on my way to camp with the bf and my dog. Were gonna go hunting in the morning so its a weekend of relaxation away from the crazy family. Thank you for caring. I was home for maybe 5 mins between work and leaving I just grabbed my bags and dog said see ya sunday and left.
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Old 11-02-2013, 09:51 PM
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The only person you can save, the only person you have any control over in this situation, is YOU. Can you find an AlAnon meeting near you? Please consider those meetings, attend at least 6 before deciding if they're for you or not. You will find people there who get it, their stories may be a little different, but the struggle is the same.

Make your plans, and get away. You're young, you have this one life.
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