steelman1649

Well I've been contemplating no longer serving as my AW's wakeup call on a daily basis and this morning I followed through. I woke up a few hours after going to bed last night when I heard some "banging around" the bedroom. Of course it was the old human pinball machine racking up a high score on our walls. I followed her downstairs as she negotiated her way to the kitchen. Of course she was taking her life in her own hands so she could get some chapstick. I applyed the training wheels and helped her back up the stairs and into the bedroom.

I heard her alarm go off a dozen times before she must have shut it off and layed in bed deciding what to do. Ultimately I decided to no longer serve as her saftey net and let her deal with the consequences of her choices. As I'm typing this she is already texting to ask me why I didn't wake her up before I left the house.

Any advise on how to handle my response?

Katiekate

Yes, do your life, let her deal with her life as an adult.

It is not your responsibility to make sure she gets up on time, doesn't drink, doesn't fall down the stairs, it will only make you crazy.

The simple answer to why you didn't wake her up before you left is I didn't feel like it, I'm busy, I am not a baby sitter.

It's not healthy to dance with an alcoholic, it wears you down to the bone, you asked for advice, here is what I have, focus on you and what makes you happy, because it will never occur to her that you are important unless you show her.

Sending big hugs your way, nice job stepping outside the dance this morning.

Katie

Mountainmanbob

in a (loving marriage) I'm not sure about the above reply

how about some simple truth
like
it's time from now on you take the responsibility of waking yourself up

MM

whiskeyman

A response to her, "Its time for you to take responsibility for YOU, when you hear the alarm, GET UP. I have priorities as well"

Hammer

Getting away from the exact details of whether *they* do this, so *we* do that . . . .

Real question is whether one is "helping" someone or "enabling."

Basic rule is (that I am trying to use) is the help you would or have been providing something that the victim/goof-off should be able to do on their own?

If they are having a hard time doing what they should be able to do on their own -- and you feel compelled to rush in and "help" them do that -- chances are you are enabling their dysfunction. They obviously need practice on it -- whatever it is -- so they can work towards mastery.

Have been through this with Mrs. Hammer and the kids. Even using the term "enabling." Sometimes the 6 year old pretends he cannot put on his socks or buckle his seat belt. I just tell him (for the benefit of all, including Mrs. Hammer who may be present) that if I do for him, he will not learn to do for himself. He thinks about that, does whatever he shirking, and I sort of check from a distance to see if he really needs help.

Even though I have pretty much quit the enabling for Mrs. Hammer, around our house it is hard for Mrs. Hammer to escape it for herself, because her mom is such an overbearing wantabe caretaker, MIL will actively cripple anyone who comes near her local gravity.

Not to make any excuse for Mrs. Hammer in that regard, she actively seeks it as well. Weird part is to watch Mrs. Hammer try to do the same to our kids. The kids get it and try to avoid it.

The kids sort of watch Mrs. Hammer's dysfunction as a cautionary tale, and I just tell them that anything they should or can do for themselves -- they can and should do for themselves.

steelman1649

Yeah I assume she is angry. Phone and e-mail are blowing up already asking about when I woke up. Looks like she was anywhere from 30-40 minutes late to work.

Hammer

Anger, Pain and Yelling is what "learning" looks like for an A.

Super.

Next part for you is to not enable or accept Anger and Yelling.

ladyscribbler

Good job sticking to your boundary Steelman. Also love the title of your OP. Sleeping Beauty. That gave me a chuckle. Stay strong!

steelman1649

Thanks! My simple response of to her question of "did you wake up at your normal time this morning?" was yes.

Apparently she wants to cook dinner tonight (out of the ordinary) so i see a quacktastic evening coming tonight.

firebolt

Can you just tell her that you need to make some changes in your life? The changes include laying down some boundaries to help you focus more on yourself, and be less resentful of your situation. You will no longer be doing anything for her that she can do for herself. Good luck to you - had to laugh at the human pinball bit....

Wisconsin

Love the way you handled it, and I LOVE the phrase "quacktastic evening." I have had many of those!

jessicajoe

Hi Steelman

This year I decided to let my A pack for himself when we were going on vacation. I was really fretting when he still hadn't at the last minute. Some good friends here at SR said It was only fair to tell him when something that normally happened was going to change and I think that was sound advice. I (for now) choose to be with him and would like our life to be as harmonious as possible without actually enabling him.
When I am going to detach from something I try to tell him first that from now on it will be his responsibility. Sometimes he "gets it" sometimes not but there is rarely any fall out afterwards because he has been warned.
Incidentally I wake my A every day. I am invariably first up and I like that sleepy "good morning" On days that I am not able to be there or call I tell him in advance and he sets his alarm. His alarm doesn't always do the job but when that happens neither of us blames me.
I absolutely admire you for setting boundaries and sticking to them. Good for you. For me its easier when my partner is aware of exactly where these boundaries lie.

steelman1649

I didn't pick-up the wall art she knocked down at some point last night, didn't clean up some weird spill on the kitchen floor, didn't clean up the mess she left on the coffee table.

She's going to get a sober look at her path of destruction from now on.

Recovering2

Your human pinball description made me laugh. Good for you for setting boundaries. It's not your job to wake her up, she has her alarm for that. And she can most certainly clean up her own messes. She's mad because she's facing consequences.
When I first started setting boundaries, my A got really mad! But I was prepared for his reaction. I had learned that it was okay to let him have his reaction, I didn't have to respond. It didn't take long for him to figure it out.

Kimmieh

I remember the first time I decided not to wake him up for work (he was passed out drunk on the living room floor - I just left). And the first time I did not clean up the mattress after he peed himself while drunk and all those other first times of not coming to the rescue. Every single one was so important to get me to the much happier person I am today. Good for you!!

Leana

Stay strong. Remember, until the consequences of her drinking are her own, she has no reason to stop.

It this were me... I would say "I love you but I won't enable your drinking any longer. You are on your own to get to bed and to get up. But if you need me to drive you to treatment, I'll be there for you."

steelman1649

Well I was on a roll so I set a boundary that hard alcohol no longer be permitted in our home. Unfortunately I didn't realize her response would be, ok I'll just drink beer and wine then.

suki44883

Of course, if she is determined to bring hard liquor into the home, she will find a way. You are not going to be able to stop her from drinking. All you can do is decide what you will and will not live with.

"Hard alcohol will no longer be permitted in our home" is not a boundary, that is a rule. A boundary would be..."I will no longer live with active addiction."

dandylion

steelman--Helpful hint: The boundaries are for you. Be sure to resist the temptation to change them or teach them a lesson--it is purely to relieve you of stress, inappropriate responsibility, worry, danger, etc.......

Good show.

dandylion

honeypig

Steelman, just wanted to say that this sounds more like a rule than a boundary. This might sound like nitpicking, but it's actually a pretty important distinction, and one that it took me a while to see myself, too.

There has been some discussion on this forum about the difference between the two; I believe what is most commonly said is that a boundary defines what action you yourself will take if that boundary is crossed, while a rule attempts to control someone else's actions.

I'm sure you already know how successful we all tend to be w/controlling someone else's actions....

Another thing that is often said about boundaries is that we need to stick by the action we said we would take. If I set a boundary that I'll no longer buy alcohol for my A, then I need to consistently NOT BUY ALCOHOL, not give in after a week or so when he says he's out of money or something. So we need to be careful in setting boundaries, b/c the consequence of crossing the boundary has to be something we are actually prepared to go thru with if that happens.