steelman1649

yeah i think i screwed this whole thing up. What i want the boundary to stop is the behavior, not the type of alcohol. Yikes....now what?

aasharon90

Altho I was sick in my addiction of alcoholism
years ago, I thought I was being as responsible
as I possibly could as a young adult. However,
after entering recovery and learning about my
addiction and how it affect by body, mind and
soul, as well as others around me, responsibility
was pretty much out the window or I should say
down the camode or potty.

Responsibilty wasn't as important to me as it
is today and for the past 23 yrs sober. I had
to learn about being responsible in recovery,
for my family, for my job and other aspects
of my life.

Back in the day, you could explain responsibility
till you were blue in the face and yet it never
really registered in my fog infested brain. Once
the fog was lifted and could see clearly, then
being responsible became something that is
pretty important in my life and recovery.

honeypig

Steelman, you are fine--how could you know exactly what to do? You did fine. Now you know that the boundary can NEVER stop anyone else's behavior. If that were possible, none of us would be here!

I think you could just consider the boundary issue now, with the new knowledge you have, and then when you have things clear in your mind, re-phrase the boundary stated more along the lines of "If you do X, then I will do Y." The only person whose actions you can control are your own, as several folks here have said.

Take some time to think about what you want to say, then give it another shot. You did fine for a first try!

steelman1649

I am ready to ask her to leave if she gets drunk to the point of smashing into walls, falling and hurting herself, etc. How do I translate that into a boundary that actually gives her a chance to not cross?

hopeful4

I think it is letting her know you have decided that is your boundary. One thing I will ask is does she have someone who will come get her? I know for me I made my husband leave last time he was on a bender for the night. I started to throw him his keys and tell him to get out. I then realized I did not want him to drink and drive. I left with my kids for a couple of hours until his sister could come pick him up.

I personally could not have cared less if he got caught drinking and driving (sometimes I hope he does just to have to get out...I know...terrible) but the thought that he could hurt someone else while under the influence is too scary.

Just a thought to put in there. I am not trying to discourage you as you are doing great! The ultimatium has to be for yourself, what are you going to put up with and what are you going to do about it. I just suggest having a plan. Something I am working on myself, you are not alone!

Good Luck!

steelman1649

I would ask her to leave the next day. I would help her pack and move her stuff into her parent's house. This wouldn't be an angry, yelling, type of situation. I've already gotten use to this as the likely outcome.

honeypig

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

The above 3 threads are from the stickies at the top of the page, under the "About Recovery" heading. Maybe something here will be helpful.

hopeful4

Now only you can decide if this is what you are ready for. You are in my heart and prayers as I totally understand what a difficult decision it is.

Recovering2

So you let her know your boundary is you will not live with active addiction. If she drinks at home, or comes home drunk, she will have to move. Announce it once, and only once. Throw out every bit of alcohol in the house. That's your starting point for your boundary. BUT.....when she crosses the boundary YOU have to be ready to hold that boundary. You don't have to announce it when it happens. Detach from her for that evening. You pack her bags and take her somewhere the next day. SHE figures it out from there. She will try to come back, that's when you will be tested.

djayr

Steelman, you are cracking me up completely with your writing and quite hilarious sarcasm! AW doing pinball off the walls, taking her life in her hands for Chapstick, and requiring training wheels, the way you describe it, has me chuckling big time. Thanks for the humor and have a quacktastic evening!

steelman1649

I guess I've at least come to the point where I find the humor in the situation and I'm not angry, depressed, etc.

I decided to re-word my boundary. Rather than pour out alcohol, makes rules about what type of alcohol is acceptable, etc. I simply made the behavior the boundary. I told her she will need to determine how to prevent the behavior not me, my job is to clearly articulate the boundary and enforce it.

She admitted that hard alcohol use has led to this behavior and she decided it would be a good idea to eliminate it's use. We'll see from here.

Croissant

Hi steelman. There seem like there are a few issues here (of course, of course!).

1. Reminding a partner to wake up when they have slept in by accident, is very different to someone who repeatedly, deliberately jeopardises their ability to get out of bed on time/get to work, function at work. It's not your job to remove the consequences.

2. There are no ways for an alcoholic to moderate alcohol in the long term. Wine vs hard liquor are irrelevant.

3. Are you trying to control this? It's hard not to become focused on this thing that dictates her life, but the question really is, what do you want? For you?

Katiekate

You would have to say, you can drink to the point where you don't smash into walls or fall and hurt yourself.

It won't work, the boundry, unfortunately has to be, no drinking.

It's the biggest step you will make. It's a committment to you, not her, or anyone else, I had to really get down and hand my powerlesssness over alcohol over.

I put it in God's hand, my path and my xabf's path were completely different, I wanted him to be on my path, but I was completely powerless to control his behavior by trying to force my path on him.

steelman1649

I started with exactly that. If it happens then I'll have to tell her she's leaving. If she then realizes the consequences, only a zero alcohol policy will keep her in the house. That won't happen tho as she loves the booze more than her life

atalose

This is what took me a while to understand and accept. Just because she's not consumed alcohol yet doesn't mean you are dealing with a sober person. Her brain is alcohol soaked and only a long period of abstinence would bring back normal brain function. So basically we are arguing with a drunk all the time. We are attempting to talk logic and reason to someone who's saturated brain is not going to get it.

As far as cleaning up her mess, leave it don't make it a big deal and wait and observe how she handles it.

As far as the alarm goes, my standard answer became " I did try snd wake you up". And I left it at that.

Once the enabler steps aside and they are left to face the consequences of their own addict they don't like it too much. The smooth comfortable ride is over, now they must face it alone and it becomes more difficult for them.

steelman1649

Well this has gone ok I guess, so far. She admitted she was having problems controling her cosumption with vodka or whiskey and thought it would be a good idea to eliminate hard alcohol. She seems coherent every night since, no slurring or apparently drunk, and no smashing into walls.

She said she understands that if she gets out of control she will be moving out.

2 glasses of wine and 4 beers a night isn't exactly healthy, but at least I am able to go to bed without worrying about an accident.

steelman1649

The morning has come and you're still passed out?
I won't wake you up, consequences? no doubt.
I showered I shaved, as quiet as a mouse.
I got dressed for work, and left the house.

The kitchen trashcan shows the damage u did
The stack of empty bottles hidden under the lid.
1 glass of wine, 2 glasses, or 8?
You better call to work, oh wait it's too late.

"This alarm must be broke, I'm taking it back"
All that I heard was quack, quack, quack, quack.

steelman1649

She's sleeping again. I tried to wake her up 3 or 4 times before i realized that she was still sleeping because of a bender last night. After I realized that I just got ready for work and left. Now I'm sitting here at my desk feeling so horribly guilty over letting her sleep in.

I don't want her to get into trouble at work, I don't want her to lose her job, I don't want to deal with the financial repercussions of going to one income. I know that she needs to feel the consequences of her drinking and I cannot be her "safety net", but how do you as a husband allow your own life be damaged so that she can learn life lessons?

littlefish

Verbalize the things that need to be said: the goal of complete sobriety with an end to all alcohol drinking is the only realistic goal for an alcoholic. Changing what she drinks, moderating, are all doomed to fail. She won't be the first alcoholic to find the thought of a life without alcohol terrifying, and she won't be the first to find the term "alcoholic" horrifying.
But putting those words out there is very powerful. It can be the beginning of recovery. Or, the beginning of some tough choices.

Florence

I struggled with this myself. I realized two things:

• My life was already damaged by my AH's drinking.
• I could reorganize finances and expectations in my household to be *less* damaged by my AH's drinking.

The first big wakeup call for my ex was when I took the credit cards he had in his wallet (they were in my name, why he thought he could use them was a mystery) and moved my money to a separate account. If he wanted to be a bum, fine. But he couldn't do it on my dime.