steelman1649

oh boy she isn't taking this well. she said "I would never do this BS to you". She is right. Of course there would never be an opportunity to do so. She is staying at her mom's tonight.

Hammer

Problem might be the "life lessons" that YOU need to learn.

Took me letting Mrs. Hammer's crazy stuff drive us into being Homeless . . . (yes, really literally) . . . before I really began to put a foot down on the nonsense. So I am no one to be preaching "do it my way," or anything.

But really it took us being Homeless -- with Mrs. Hammer walking around, with glazed eyes, bombed out of her gourd saying -- "I do not see why everyone is so upset, I feel fine . . ." For me to figure out just what I was really dealing with.

We wound up sleeping on the living room floor of some Very Senior, Very Sainted AA friends for two weeks, just to get the kids back in school, and not too long after that, Mrs. Hammer was shipped to Rehab.

But let me tell you what they told me the first day of Alanon. Was true for me, and likely true for you . . .

[Steelman], [Mrs. Steelman] is not your problem.

MissFixit

i totally agree with the previous sentiment. my version is this: you can't rely on someone who is unreliable. active alcoholics are unreliable. therefore, you can't rely on active A's.

that is in all matters of substance. finances are pretty substantive.

steelman1649

2 statements uttered in the same 24 hour period. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so stupid.

"We have issues because you act like my daddy".
"We have issues because you don't wake me up for work".

Hammer

Yeah, I heard stuff like that upon Mrs. Hammer's return from Rehab.

So I looked up some details on "dependent wife."

Sort of harsh, but here is a sample >>>

Hostile Dependency: Is your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child Masquerading in the Body of a Woman? | Shrink4Men

So I quit being her "Dad."

THAT was when the REAL Fireworks Started. OMIGOD.

Mrs. Hammer has actually fallen on the kitchen floor in a fit -- not too much unlike the woman in that picture. Dead serious. Not joking.

Summer5

You are doing nothing wrong. I was in the same situation, but I was in your wife's shoes. I am now apologizing to my husband for all of the bad choices that I've made over the years. He's spent countless nights getting me home safe after my blackouts and cleaning up whatever "mess" I made. He even denied the fact that I had a problem until I found help myself. I think in a sense he was trying to protect me.

Your wife needs to realize she has a problem, and only then will she take full responsibility for her behavior. I hope she seeks help soon, not only for herself, but also for the relationship you both share. Life is a beautiful thing to share with someone you truly love.

Best wishes Steelman.

Florence

She can *blame* you all she wants, but you can just as easily push her crap out of your circle of responsibility. She's mad you didn't wake her up this morning? Remind her, "I told you I'm not waking up up anymore." Become the master of, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "Mmm hmmm," and "Okay," and, "Like I told you last week, I'm not waking you up in the morning anymore." Repeat as necessary.

I went thru this with my STBXAH, who hated it when I didn't cleanup his messes then resented me for "acting like his mom" when I did clean up his messes or was annoyed with his messes. (I didn't want to be his mom. You know what I didn't need when I got married? Another dependent.) I had to turn my back on his excuses and extract myself from his consequences. I no longer gave him access to the money I earned at my job which I showed up to every day of my own cognizance. I no longer gave him access to my line of credit. I didn't encourage him to go to bed (where I missed him) and I didn't tell him to wake up in the morning. He passed out every night on the couch with the lights on and TV blaring, and I went to bed alone. No sex, no intimacy, no cuddling.

I upped the ante when I told him I wouldn't live with an active alcoholic anymore. So he "quit" and went on the wagon (off and on) for the next two years. You know what? None, absolutely none, of this behavior changed. I was still supposed to shut up when he tied up our time and money in his immature mistakes, I was still supposed to sleep alone and be fine with it, I was still supposed to wake him up in the morning with the other kids. And when I didn't, he said hurtful things that cut me off at the knees.

So, I don't know. Maybe it's time to look at the forest for the trees.