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My alcoholic mother passed away recently

Old 09-29-2013, 03:11 PM
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My alcoholic mother passed away recently

Hi I posted this in another section, I hope its ok to post it here too.

Im new on here and Im looking for something, I dont know what really, maybe some reassurance?

My mum passed away from alcoholic liver disease aged 56 a week past Thursday and Im really struggling to come to terms with it. I was the one who found her body.

She wasnt always an alcoholic and only recently (past 3 or 4 years) became chronic to the point of losing her drivers licence, getting paid off from work, blocking people out of her life, not taking care o herself or the house. My sisters and I tried everything to help her but she just couldnt stop, she obsessed about my dad with another woman even although my mum and dad had split up for a while before he met the woman. She was horrible and nasty to my dad when shed had a drink saying she hated him etc and never showed him any affection or love their entire marriage.

She was abused as a child and I think this must have been the catalyst for her alcoholism. We had a great childhood, I have nothing but good memories (mostly) but once we all left the house to get on with our own lives that is when the alcohol really took hold.

Im sorry Im rambling here. We just feel so guilty and sad that this has happened and that we couldnt do more for her or snap her out of it. We would visit her a lot and always talk on the phone to see if she was okay and try to be normal with her but now I feel we were always lecturing her.

We didnt know she had liver disease and Im not sure she did although I suspect she must have, surely. I shouted at her at times and for this I will always feel guilty but I know it was out of sheer frustration. I also told her I loved her all the time and I hope she knew that. I miss her so much, the real mum. When she was sober she was great and wasnt depressed but as soon as she drank she just nosedived. She never went for help when sober so it was always just a matter of time before she started drinking again.

Please tell me with time this will get easier. Alcohol is such an evil destructive thing.
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Old 09-29-2013, 03:21 PM
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What a sad story. I am so sorry about your Mom. I'm sure you did what you could, but in the end, it was her choice, not yours. You can't just snap someone out of it. Try to let go of your guilt. She obviously loved you very, very much. She had a disease, alcoholism. You couldn't treat her anymore than I'd she had cancer.

And remember she loved you very very much. Much hugs and prayers for you. Bless.
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Old 09-29-2013, 03:44 PM
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majeebix, my condolenses for your loss. although not from alcoholism, my mother passed away on the 13th. the grief process can and will be a rollercoaster of emotions. yes, it will get easier as long as you let the grieving happen.
I owld highly encourage you to look for some support groups locally or on the net. it has helped me to have people that have gone through it and understand what im goin through to talk/type to.
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Old 09-29-2013, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Majeebix View Post
My mum passed away from alcoholic liver disease aged 56 a week past Thursday and Im really struggling to come to terms with it. I was the one who found her body.
I'm so sorry for your loss...and I'm SO SORRY that you had the experience of being the one to discover her. Big giant ******************{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} to you. I'm glad you came here. You will find many who understand - from both sides.

Originally Posted by Majeebix View Post
She was abused as a child and I think this must have been the catalyst for her alcoholism. We had a great childhood, I have nothing but good memories (mostly) but once we all left the house to get on with our own lives that is when the alcohol really took hold.
I'm glad you have many good, positive, happy memories to hold onto - focus on those, especially when you are feeling the most overwhelmed.

Originally Posted by Majeebix View Post
Im sorry Im rambling here. We just feel so guilty and sad that this has happened and that we couldnt do more for her or snap her out of it. We would visit her a lot and always talk on the phone to see if she was okay and try to be normal with her but now I feel we were always lecturing her.
You aren't rambling at all, and even if you were there would be no need to apologize. It's so frustrating, that feeling of not being able to do something - ANYTHING - to, as you said, snap them out of it. The truth is, you really can't. It's their decision. And that's such a horribly difficult thing to accept or wrap your head around when you love someone and you are watching them self destruct. You made it clear that you were concerned about her well-being, and deep down she knew that and knew it was because you loved her. Don't feel any guilt because you fear you were "lecturing" - you were desperate to stop the self destruction of someone you love! There is no shame in that. She was lucky to have family that cares about her so much. It's normal after a tragedy like this to go back over everything in your mind and obsess a bit, dissecting everything, wondering "if", etc. Know that you are grieving and as cliche as it sounds, with time, you will find peace and the ability to let go of guilt over a decision that someone else made - not you.

Originally Posted by Majeebix View Post
We didnt know she had liver disease and Im not sure she did although I suspect she must have, surely. I shouted at her at times and for this I will always feel guilty but I know it was out of sheer frustration. I also told her I loved her all the time and I hope she knew that. I miss her so much, the real mum. When she was sober she was great and wasnt depressed but as soon as she drank she just nosedived. She never went for help when sober so it was always just a matter of time before she started drinking again.
Don't feel guilty for shouting. Again, it's so frustrating to watch someone you love destroy their life and their health. You were frustrated because you care and because you love her. Hold onto the fact that you told her repeatedly that you loved her - remember that when thoughts of guilt creep in. You have nothing to feel guilty about hon.

I'm so sorry for the sadness you feel over missing the real mum.

Originally Posted by Majeebix View Post
Please tell me with time this will get easier. Alcohol is such an evil destructive thing.
Alcoholism certainly is a horrible, destructive force.

And yes - with time, it will get less raw. Focus on the good memories, the fact that you were vocal in reminding her that you love her, and that it was a choice you couldn't make for her. You have nothing to feel guilty over. Nothing.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and the circumstances of your loss. Post here for support. ********{HUGS}}}}} and wishing you and your loved ones peace, comfort, strength, clarity, and support.
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