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Should I stay or should I go now......

Old 09-29-2013, 08:00 AM
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Should I stay or should I go now......

Is the question I keep asking myself!

Partner is an alcoholic has been for about 7 years but it's got really bad within last 6 months. Vodka everyday, seizures , verbal abuse etc

I want to be with him but only if he's sober, I hate the person he becomes when he drinks, it disgusts me.

I think that me staying with him is only enabling him as he thinks cos i m not leaving him he can drink when he wants, even tho i tell him it's not on!

I get the suicide threats if I say i'm gona leave with the kids so that makes me stay and also the fact he keeps having seizures worries me so much, that something bad will happen if i'm not there.

He comes and goes with aa meetings, but never sticks and trys his hardest.

The hardest he tried was when i kicked him out and he went to stay at his mum n dads n he sobered up for 5 days, not a lot eh but still proves he can do it!

I hate everything right now, I hate how he treats me when he's drunk, how he's lost his job and we have no money that will eventually lead to us losing our home and im physically/mentally ill/exhausted with it all , that it prevents me from getting to work , getting important things done.

I feel I have tried everything to help him, but he dosen't want to help himself , only to a certain point then he gives up.

I'm losing hope feel like I will never get my man, kids daddy back.

I need to leave him so he can get himself better, I just don't know if I have the strength and the courage.

Thanks for listening

x
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Old 09-29-2013, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Starlight23 View Post
I feel I have tried everything to help him, but he dosen't want to help himself , only to a certain point then he gives up.
Have you read this, Starlight? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Also, have you considered Alanon? It can go a long ways towards showing you that you absolutely DO have choices and that you have far more strength and courage than you know. Your AH is an adult, and not only CAN but SHOULD be making his own choices and living with the consequences. Your kids don't have any choice in this matter. They depend on you to look out for them. If you're not putting them first, then who is?

Here's a link to help you find an Alanon meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Please do give it a try. Also, if you can spend some time daily reading here, both the stickies at the top of the page and the ongoing and new threads in the rest of this section, you are almost bound to find support and ways to start working towards the life you and your kids deserve. You can do it. You're not alone.
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Old 09-29-2013, 08:23 AM
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Starlight---You DO have the strength and courage to do what you already recognize that you have to do.......it is just that it is lying dormant, right now. Our strength and courage comes forth, at just the "right" moment when there is no other option!! It is amazzzing how this happens!

The most important thing is for you to get your troops behind you. This will bring forth your self-confidence and give you the direction that you aren't feeling this very moment. It is actually astounding how fast this can happen once you start the ball rolling.

Get support--SR--we will walk with you, for sure. Go to alanon; get a personal counselor (and maybe, an alanon sponsor). Read all of the materials an the "Stickies" at the top of this page. Read some of the recommended books--knowlege is power. Think about what is happening to your children living in this environment. Mothers will often do for their children what they feel they can't do for themselves.

You can do this, Starlght, just as millions of women before you have done.

I want the best for you and your kids. I will keep you in my thoughts!

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Old 09-29-2013, 09:43 AM
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I would run away like my hair was on fire--it would appear that none of your boundaries have done any good so why are you still there
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:25 AM
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Sounds dumb

But cos I love him and you always think he's gonna change and I guess I just don't want him hurting himself but then in reality i'm just re-inforcing it I think, obv kids will be heartbroken not to see their daddy day and night but then again they don't see him sober much and I won't allow them to see him drunk anymore, so enough is enough, just have to stay strong and go through with it!

He's dissapeared once again but this time I will not be chasing him like you all have mentioned he is an adult and can make his own decisions and be responsible for his actions.

Just before he left he said i'm going out so phone ur mother to watch kids tomo and I was like ok by then, but b4 u go just so u know thats the kids money for christmas presents ur using for ur booze and if they don't get much this year that's cos of you.

He just looked at me confused as usually when he says that il be like oh noo please dont go out n get drunk please please... But tonight I was just like go then do what u want , i'm looking out for my kids , bye enjoy ur drink!

So he then left and i'm not going to chase him, hate feeling guilty for things I shouldn't and i'm not allowing him to make me feel that way anymore!

My kids come first, he can go take a flying .....

No more!
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:29 AM
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I guess sometimes to actually help them you just have to let them go and if they want to change they will make it somehow and find their way back to you and if not then I suppose everything happens for a reason.......Only time will tell.......
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:49 AM
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Addiction is a taker, taker of healthy behavior, morals and character. Once it's taken a person it takes their loved ones too. It grasps ahold of our fear keeping us stuck and in enabling so it can continue to thrive. It over shadows our love with resentment and anger. It takes from our children their well being and safe environment. It takes there emotions today and tomorrow. And as you are witnessing even their Christmas money.

History doesn't repeat itself people repeat history. 7 years have gone by and he's still the same person doing the same things so how much longer are you willing to stick around waiting for this "change" to happen?

In your post you said when he was leaving he told you to call your mother to watch the Kids tomorrow. Does he watch the kids while you are at work???
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:09 AM
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I'm not waiting for him to change as he clearly ain't gonna do it whilst he's with me, i'm done.

Nah he lost his job recently so dosen't work but I don't let him watch the kids himself as I don't trust him , obv reasons for why I don't.

My Mother or other grandparents watch them when I work, that way I only have him to worry about and not my kids!
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Old 09-29-2013, 12:23 PM
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Here's something to think about.

You can act now while your head is still above water. of act later when things are going to be even more difficult.
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Old 09-29-2013, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Starlight23 View Post


I need to leave him so he can get himself better, I just don't know if I have the strength and the courage.

Thanks for listening

x
Hi mate

You know I am from the other side of the forum, but I think you need to leave to get better for you. And your kids. But mainly for you.
You deserve better, you really do.

I should imagine that if he is drinking to the point of seizures, you will be doing most of the looking after of the kids?
How much harder can it get for you?
You are doing all the hard work now yourself anyway.

From the sounds of it you get nothing from this relationship. Without him there your life sounds like it would be so much more peaceful.

I hope you stick around here, gain some wisdom from some of the people who post here who have walked the same journey in your shoes and care very much about newcomers.

You stay strong.
I wish you the best xxxx
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Old 09-29-2013, 01:58 PM
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You have children in the home. Go. The best thing you can do for them is to provide them a stable, loving environment. That doesn't come with an alcoholic on board.

Great song, by the way.
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Old 09-29-2013, 01:59 PM
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You seem to have your mind wrapped around the thought that some how you have something to do with his drinking and then something to do with his recovery and neither thought is correct.

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
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Old 09-29-2013, 02:21 PM
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A little off topic but Seizures? How many how often? If this keeps up you won't need to leave, he is going to die.
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Old 09-29-2013, 02:26 PM
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You have to do what is best you you and your kids. Give your kids the memories that they deserve not the ones that they are being given now. You sound young and have the energy to do what is right. As others have suggested start going to Alanon to get some perspective. Start squirreling away money if you haven't done so already to give yourself a cushion.
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Old 09-29-2013, 04:24 PM
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Mind is made up , im doing it! Going to housing tomo to start the ball rolling!


Seizure wise he has been having them since last year can go for months without having one but recently it's been at least 1 a month, that shows you how bad the drinking has got!

Yeah I tell him how dangerous these seizures are and he's not daft he knows it himself, but his excuse he dosen't want to have a seizure so keeps on drinking as supposedly will prevent them but dosen't work like that, he either has them when he drinks too much or when he cuts drink out completely or cuts down too rapidly! He's got a meeting for a rehab clinic in a week n a bit but who knows what will happen, he wants to work to earn money/keep the house but he's not gona be able to keep anyjob with how bad his drinking has got.

His community addiction team are a lot of **** as well seems like they only pull the finger out when clients are at deaths door!

Anyways mind is made up I cannot and will not enable him anymore, his actions are his own responsibility, only thing to worry about in the back of my head are these damn seizures of his.

What I would to abolish alcohol from this planet , I tell you! Will never touch a drink again, looking at it makes me feel sick!
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