oliveyu

Hi, I am a wife on an alcoholic although he hasn't quite admitted that he has a problem yet. I am also the mother of five children (14, 11, 8, 2.5, 1). My husband told me three weeks ago that he was quitting drinking completely but much to my shock and dismay he immediately increased his drinking. He is currently drinking 7-10 beers on weeknights (from about 7-1030pm) in addition to two mixed drinks (Bourbon and coke). On weekends he will drink about a dozen beers and too many mixed drinks to count on each night. I though he had a problem when he was drinking 3-4 a night. He also has major depressive disorder and is on Pristiq and Seroquel further complicating the problem.

I decided last night that I could no longer sit by quietly and allow this continue without telling him that I think he has a problem and that I will support him while he gets healthy. He started sleeping through alarms when his drinking increased, he blamed it on the seroquel (although he has been on it for 6 months and it never happened before) and then he claimed his alarm was broken (it isn't). On his days off he will easily sleep until 1pm. I believe that his inability to wake up on time is due to his increase in alcohol.

My husband starts to get testy after about three beers. He talks incessantly and is very crude and inappropriate in a lot of his speaking to me, making crude sexual remarks and requests in front of our two youngest children and occasionally in front of the older ones. He makes a lot of uncomfortable demands sexually after he has had a few drinks and gets agitated when I don't comply. He becomes easily angered by the children and I. Last night he tore out a scented wax melter I had plugged into the bathroom and threw it in the trash. My 11 year old told me what he had done and when he caught me digging in the trash he pushed her and yelled at her, "Was that called for you little a$$hole?!" Needless to say her feelings were very hurt and he pushed her hard enough to leave a red mark on her chest for about an hour. I did not confront him because by this point he had already downed nine beers in a very short time period and I didn't feel like getting into an argument with a drunk person so I just consoled my daughter. Roughly 18 months ago after getting extremely drunk after a hard day at work he shoved my head into my car dash as I was trying to leave with the kids until he fell asleep, then he pulled me out of the car with our baby in my arms while squeezing both hands around my neck. He pushed me down onto the couch and sat on me while I held our baby (and I was 9 weeks pregnant) and kept tightening his grip around my neck until I almost passed out and then he would loosen and then tighten again. This went on for about 40 minutes while the baby cried and the children screamed and cried and he told them that if they called the police that he would tell them that I had gone crazy and he was protecting them and I would be arrested and thrown in jail. In the morning he was remorseful and he has not laid a hand on me since (that occurred Febuary 2012) but I am always fearful that it will happen again.

My question is should I talk to the children about him being an alcoholic? I am not sure they are aware that he is or if they even understand alcoholism. I want them to know it is the alcohol making him behave in this manner and not him and not them but I am not sure if that is too mature of a topic for children. Any advice?

Also since I just told him that he needs help last night (via email, I couldn't do it in person) is it too early to establish boundaries? Do I tell him what my boundaries are or just silently enforce them? Is it okay to have boundaries such as I will not stay in the same room with him if he has more than three drinks more than twice weekly? I will not sleep in the same bed with him if he has more than three drinks (I bedshare with my two babies and bedsharing with an intoxicated person is dangerous but he hates when I sleep on the couch instead)? I will not drive if he insists on drinking while I drive (he does this all the time and I am terrified of getting pulled over and ME being the one to get in trouble with the law and potentially losing custody of my older children, only the two babies are his biological children)?

I am lost. I am new to alcoholism. I had never met an alcoholic until my husband. I have tried to make excuses for his drinking in my mind, tried to tell myself that it isn't that bad but I cant any longer. He is getting worse and I am scared.

DragynLady

Tell him your boundaries. Period. DOn't leave this up to chance. I used a letter; I wrote my husband a four page letter, and copied it for my records.

I have two girls, 5 and 7. They know about the alcohol. They know it's a grownup beverage, that messes with your mind, and that it's bad. they know what's going on; you'll just be giving them the words.

Both they, and YOU, need to be in counseling. Give them the tools they need to cope!

jaynie04

Olive....wow. I am so sorry for your situation. My heart is racing from reading your post. You are in a precarious position, and you should be gravely concerned, not only for your children but also for yourself. What you are describing is abuse, both verbal and physical, and when alcohol and drugs are added into that mixed, then all bets are off. Your husband sounds like he is pretty sick, unfortunately, situations like this rarely get better.

I think you are past the point of boundaries, he is putting his hands on you and your children. Please understand that you are the victim as are your children. You did not cause your husband to drink, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it. The one thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children.

Please stay connected here, there are a lot of other very supportive people who can share their experiences with you. One of the most helpful things you can do is to educate yourself about what you are dealing with, what your options are and what you need to do to stay safe. Take care.

oliveyu

I am in counseling. I suffer from PTSD and OCD. PTSD from growing up with a bipolar mother and suffering through stalking, physical abuse, rape, pregnancy through rape and the subsequent adoption, then two very emotionally and financially abusive marriages before meeting my current husband who was quite the catch until he started drinking more and more. I underwent EMDR therapy and my PTSD has been cured so at least that no longer clouds my interactions with my husband because that was a big problem, I couldn't deal with just the issues in our marriage because I was also dealing with every other issue I ever had in the past at the same time. Counseling is helping a great deal. I am able to feel much more detached from his behavior and decisions and I feel stronger.

I can't accept this any longer. I just can't do it but I don't want my marriage to end.

oliveyu

"You did not cause your husband to drink, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it. The one thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children."

This is something I struggle with. I feel like I must be such a disappointment to my husband if he needs to drink to be around me. Logically I know that he is genetically predispositioned because his paternal grandfather died due to alcoholism at the age of 24. I can't help to feel responsible for my husband's problem though.

oliveyu

Also can someone tell me how to prevent replies here from going to my email? It is connected to my cell phone and husband is always flipping through my phone and I do NOT want him to see my posting or the replies here.

SparkleKitty

I know how that feels, and I am sorry. When I felt like this I thought, If only I could change my behavior, if only I could say the right thing, if only I were different...my Mother/ex-boyfriend wouldn't have to drink so much. There was locked door into a room of their sobriety and it was so much safer to believe that I MUST have had the key...but I didn't. They had it in there with them. There was nothing I could do to get it. If only.

The good news is that once I accepted that I could not cause, control, or cure their alcoholism, I could learn to take care of myself, and forgive myself for not being "enough" to fix them. The fact is, none of us are enough to fix or change anyone but ourselves, and in that truth, I found strength and empowerment to love myself, take care of myself, and be happy in my own skin.

Wishing you strength, peace, and clarity as you come to understand this terrible disease your husband is afflicted with. (((hugs)))

jaynie04

Your husband's drinking is his problem. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, I am now in recovery myself. NO ONE on earth could have made me get sober until I decided I was ready to get sober. Your husband doesn't sound anywhere near ready. Continue to educate yourself here, but one thing you will see become apparent quickly, it only gets worse. Trying to cut back doesn't work when you are an alcoholic, it might work one or two times, but that is not the way we want to drink. Alcoholism is progressive...it takes a greater and greater toll the longer it is allowed to go unchecked. Have you looked into local al-anon groups? Those are groups for family of alcoholics whether the alcoholic is in recovery or not.

oliveyu

We live in a very rural area and if there were a group in our area I could not go to it because everyone knows everyone here and I really don't want everyone in this small town knowing that about my husband. He isn't social, he is extremely introverted but he was born and raised here and I really don't want this "secret" getting out around town. I am newer to the town and people already don't accept me here and that would only make life more difficult for me.

The nearest city is an hour drive away. I spend lots of money on getting my son (who has post concussive syndrome) back and forth to his appointments several times a week and me to counseling once a week. I am not sure our budget could fit in another trip out of town and I have absolutely zero childcare and no options available for childcare.

dandylion

oliveyu, I want to tell you that I consider that your and the lives of your children are in definite danger. Your husband has already tried to kill you while you were holding a baby and your other children were looking on. Just as alcoholism gets worse--so does physical violence. Your children have withnessed soo much.

You are not to blame for his actions--it is not your fault. It is time for you to find out all yolu can about abuse and how to protect yourself. There is information in the "stickies" at the top of this page. Also, google "domestic violence" and read up.

You need to make a phone call to the neare st domestic violence center to your home and talk to them (in private). Just tell them your situation--they will help you and will not judge you. They will not force you to do anything that you don't want to do. Please make contact!!

There may come the time when you need help to get yourself and the kids to safety or need immediate protection--you need to have plans for who to call and what actions to take. This could mean the difference between surviving, or not, for you and your children.

I k now I am talking very directly to you--with no sugar coating--but, I think it is too late in the game for tippytoeing. Please consider my words seriously.

I am speaking to you with the upmost caring in my heart!!!

dandylion

NWGRITS

Children know more than you will ever give them credit for. They aren't oblivious little creatures that live in a land of kittens and rainbows all the time. They know something isn't right. However, by your relationship playing out as it is, they are internalizing all of this crazy abusive behavior as normal. Is this the type of relationship you want your kids seeking out?

I agree that your life and the lives of your kids are in danger. These types of situations typically don't end well. If you're not going to seek help for yourself, then at least try to get your kids to safety. They didn't ask for any of this, and keeping them in a demonstrated abusive home amounts to neglect.

fairlyuncertain

There are so many crisis lines--911, domestic violence--but it is MUCH more effective to discuss your husband's violent episodes during business hours, maybe to the police office line. THey will make a record of your call. Maybe you could write down the background you told here, bring a copy to them, and ask them what your options are.

It eliminates his power to intimidate and threaten your children--that if they reach out to 911 you'll be taken away. you won't be, b/c the police will understand your history.

That way, it doesn't devolve into a midnight crisis with sleepy kids and deciding whether to press charges. At midnight with a drunken abuser, there are NO good options.

Isolation and not wanting to make a mistake, thus injuring the abusers' reputation--that's from the classic abuse playbook. Stuck with kids and few resources and no privacy to email and make calls? Check.

Any domestic violence hotline can do so much more than listen to your feelings. They have resources and help you might not know existed, for you and the kids. Al-anon's another one.

I know how alone you must feel, but you are not alone, and if you step out of the alcohol/abuse bubble, you will see a whole, welcoming world. Best of luck to you.

OnlyOneProblem

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honeypig

And I believe she would need to do this after each time she posts, right?

I just want to second the advice to get some kind of domestic violence assistance involved! You are way, way past the point of worrying about "what the neighbors think." Do you think they don't know already? I'm betting they have a pretty good idea...

He has physically assaulted you and treats your children horribly--really, is it appropriate to call a child a "little a$$hole"? You KNOW it's not!

Please get help for all of you, and don't waste one moment of time worrying about your AH. You don't want your marriage to end? Why on earth NOT?

Hopeworks

Hi Oliveyu,

My heart goes out to you and your children. As an adult child of an alcoholic who survived an alcoholic father who intimidated and bullied I can tell you the emotional impact on me and my future relationships has been lifelong.

Being raised as you and I were in highly dysfunctional families of origin scars us and sets us up to "fall in love" with personality types that "take us home" where we subconsciously act out the broken relationships. I am speaking for me but the men who "lit my fire" were very much like my father in charm, personality, manipulaters and almost always alcoholic.

Sadly, the family disease of alcoholism and codependency can become a generational cycle where our children whom we did not protect from the insanity go on to marry alcoholics or become one. We are hardwired in childhood and those "intense feelings" that we often confuse with love can just be plain bad wiring!

The good news is that we can choose to get better through our own efforts at recovery and we can protect our children by exposing them to the truth about alcoholism, codependency and arm them with their own recoveries through alateen and counseling.

My mother did not protect me. She didn't get us out of the crazy, dangerous world of alcoholism I grew up in. I blame her more than my father if blame is to be placed anywhere... but blame doesn't change my past and only I can change my future. And after I became an adult and started learning about myself I made sure I protected my kids by making sure their childhood was free from stress and worry of living with an active addict as a parent. I made sure they got counseling because they did have an addict for a father that they had a relationship and visitation with... with boundaries of safety established.

I know this is long... but I am speaking for those that have no voice. Your children. Someday like me they will grow up and they will look back on their childhood and like all of us will judge your choices that impacted them for life. Trust me... they MUST know what is unacceptable behavior from a man or father and you must establish boundaries that enforce that concept by action.

DO NOT ALLOW any man... especially a drunken father to abuse you or your children! Ever! Please, please do set up a plan of action to get out of the home if you need to for safety.

And until an alcoholic wants recovery more than their next breath of oxygen there will be no real change... there must be a huge psychic change and an authentic program of recovery by the alcoholic. Understanding that fact means that you might want to consider developing plan A, plan B and plan C... things will most likely get worse statistically.

I know where you are is hard... very hard. I have been the child, the wife and the mother. Alcoholism doesn't run in my family it flows through it like Niagara Falls! However, you can do it... you really can. Get a support network, learn all you can about the disease, make plans and contingency plans and in time you will know what path to take.

Good luck and you and your family are in my prayers....

lillamy

Olive, I will tell you what my best friend told me about four years ago, when I was still living in a situation similar to the one you describe:

What you are describing is ABUSE. And you do NOT have to put up with it.

I don't know about you, but I know that I was so worn out and used to how my AXH spoke to and dealt with me and the children that I was no longer able to see that it was ABUSE.

But it is.
And you have every right to remove yourself and the children from it.

ShootingStar1

Olive, what you write about your situation is very scary. This is abuse, and bad abuse. It has already escalated into substantial physical abuse against you and your children.

There is an on-line confidential test called the Mosaic Threat Assessment that would be worth your time to look at. It is a series of questions designed to predict, from an abuser's past and present behavior, how likely they are to become violent in the future. It is used by many police stations, as well as the police for the US Capitol in Washington DC. It is highly predictive and will give you insight into your situation with your AH. You can google it.

I agree with what Dandylion, Lillamy and others have posted. This is ABUSE, it is dangerous, and it can escalate rapidly and unpredictably.

When I first posted here, on my way out of a 20 year marriage with my abusive alcoholic husband, people told me three things:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Alcoholism is a disease that takes over the body and soul of the alcoholic. It changes the body and brain chemistry; the alcoholic eventually can no longer think the way they used to before they drank. It is inevitably progressive and will get worse. There is only one "cure" and that is for the alcoholic themselves to decide they want to recover. They must choose, on their own, and for themselves only, never to pick up another drink.

If the alcoholic does not want to do that, and to commit to a program of recovery that re-educates them and supports them in their sobriety, there is nothing anyone else can do, no matter how much they love their alcoholic, or how much their alcoholic loves them. Drink becomes a demon, and they must dance to its demands. Only the alcoholic can make that choice to stop drinking.

If you haven't found the "stickys", they are universal threads that are permanent and are at the top of the Friends and Families Forum Index page. English Garden wrote one that would be helpful to you called "What is Abuse?", and I posted my story there.

We are here with you, and very concerned about you. Come often, post as much as you want. You've been told some things that may be shocking and difficult to believe, and we're here to listen to you and share our experiences, as best we can. We want you and your kids safe, healthy, and happy.

Take care,
ShootingStar1

Mango blast

It isn't only the alcoholism, it IS him. Please, please protect your children and get yourself and them away from him. Your love for your kids needs to come before your love for your alcoholic husband. The greatest gift you can give your kids is a chance at learning what normal can be, not this so very dysfunctional life. (((hugs)))

RhodeIsland

have you ever considered leaving so your children might be out of harms way?

Abuse haunts children and impacts development. His behavior cannot be controlled. No amount of reason will prevent him from striking you or your children. I understand it's tough with 5 children, but this is crossing a line...

I'm having a hard time responding in an appropriate manner. It really makes me feel angry these children are exposed to this abuse - and I have to wonder where the line lies where a stand is taken, and how damaged and hurt the children will be at that point.


Not willing to leave?
Ever see a mother polar bear w/ her cubs? Even a woman 1/2 my size can defend herself if she seeks out the tools to do so.

RhodeIsland

I understand you don't want to fail in your marriage, but what about failing in protecting your children?

the cycle of abuse continues and is passed onto another generation