I am to Blame!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Marfayjo - From this post in morning ---
to this post in afternoon ---
You are caught up in the insanity of an A. Don't take it personally. Focus on what's the next best step for YOU. Have you been to alanon? Take care of yourself, rest, don't isolate.
It's easy to see now that I am out of that scenario. Insanity with an A is not a place I will choose for myself ever again.
(((HUGS))) Marfayjo
Thank you!
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to support me.
Here is the UPDATE:
He got up early this morning... He makes so much damn noise even though I am clearly sleeping! So I just get up.. He obviously made a plan because he is going to him moms house. He asked me to help him with something quickly and the tone in his voice was cold and sharp.
I have thought long and hard about what I need to do ... I feel that the best decision is to go through with the divorce. We don't have children together.. I have a son from my past marriage.. and he has 4 kids from 2 past marriages. In a nut shell all 4 of his kids stopped coming around a long time ago... They will call to say hi or ask for money but that is it.. His daughter will not come around unless I am here!
I am not feeling sad right now... I am feeling determined and hopeful. I think I am ready to cut all ties.. Be done and free again.. I am scared but that is ok.. Time to take care of me!
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to support me.
Here is the UPDATE:
He got up early this morning... He makes so much damn noise even though I am clearly sleeping! So I just get up.. He obviously made a plan because he is going to him moms house. He asked me to help him with something quickly and the tone in his voice was cold and sharp.
I have thought long and hard about what I need to do ... I feel that the best decision is to go through with the divorce. We don't have children together.. I have a son from my past marriage.. and he has 4 kids from 2 past marriages. In a nut shell all 4 of his kids stopped coming around a long time ago... They will call to say hi or ask for money but that is it.. His daughter will not come around unless I am here!
I am not feeling sad right now... I am feeling determined and hopeful. I think I am ready to cut all ties.. Be done and free again.. I am scared but that is ok.. Time to take care of me!
to this post in afternoon ---
Swimming in Misery!!!
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Update:
He wakes up Saturday morning and starts drinking right away.. Gets dressed and leaves... comes back at 230 and mows the lawn.. Takes a shower and asks me if I want to go with him out to eat... I say no thank you... Gets dressed and is gone again by 530pm.
So my nerves are going all night wondering if he is coming back here and if he will be hammered! By 10pm I am pretty sure he won't be here. This would be the first time since the day we met that I am clueless as to where he is or what he is doing and I am not sure why but it HURT like hell!!
This is a man who begged me a month ago not to leave him... He said he loves me and can't imagine life without me and now he is gone like THAT! Leaves me here with no money to pay the bills not even $40 for gas for my truck!
So here I sit sad... feeling sorry for myself because I am isolated myself from all my friends... Stressed cause I am broke.. I had to borrow money to feed his animal.. WOW!
I am lonely and sick to my stomach... For a while I was thinking maybe I should say sorry to him... This sucks.. I feel like I am swimming in misery!
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Update:
He wakes up Saturday morning and starts drinking right away.. Gets dressed and leaves... comes back at 230 and mows the lawn.. Takes a shower and asks me if I want to go with him out to eat... I say no thank you... Gets dressed and is gone again by 530pm.
So my nerves are going all night wondering if he is coming back here and if he will be hammered! By 10pm I am pretty sure he won't be here. This would be the first time since the day we met that I am clueless as to where he is or what he is doing and I am not sure why but it HURT like hell!!
This is a man who begged me a month ago not to leave him... He said he loves me and can't imagine life without me and now he is gone like THAT! Leaves me here with no money to pay the bills not even $40 for gas for my truck!
So here I sit sad... feeling sorry for myself because I am isolated myself from all my friends... Stressed cause I am broke.. I had to borrow money to feed his animal.. WOW!
I am lonely and sick to my stomach... For a while I was thinking maybe I should say sorry to him... This sucks.. I feel like I am swimming in misery!
It's easy to see now that I am out of that scenario. Insanity with an A is not a place I will choose for myself ever again.
(((HUGS))) Marfayjo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
So Sad!
I have never been to Al-anon.. I just started actually talking about this last week... I did a search and there is a meeting tomorrow a mile away so I am going.
One minute I am so angry... He left me with no money... He left all his crap all over the house and I want to clean but I am afraid I will just get more angry and start to do bad things to his stuff!! The fact that he can just walk out and leave me here to deal with this and he is off doing god knows what!! I want to dead bolt the door... but if I do that will make him angry and then he will really do something to hurt me.
The other minute I am sooo sad.. A waste of my time, tears, money and sanity!!
One minute I am so angry... He left me with no money... He left all his crap all over the house and I want to clean but I am afraid I will just get more angry and start to do bad things to his stuff!! The fact that he can just walk out and leave me here to deal with this and he is off doing god knows what!! I want to dead bolt the door... but if I do that will make him angry and then he will really do something to hurt me.
The other minute I am sooo sad.. A waste of my time, tears, money and sanity!!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by hisimage48 
I feel like whenever my ah starts feeling me gain a bit if strength this is what happens.
They want to keep drinking no matter what, and it's a game of manipulation and insincerity.
When they want something, they elevate you. Then it's back to being selfish* and when they sense they have pushed you too far and you gain some resolve, they do it again.
*they were always being selfish...when they are elevating you, it's to get what they want. It's all about them.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
You have all helped me a lot. I just need to sort out my thoughts because there are so many emotions and fears... I pray Al anon helps me build some strength because I feel very weak right now... I can not see any light at the end of my tunnel!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Marfayjo
You have all helped me a lot. I just need to sort out my thoughts because there are so many emotions and fears... I pray Al anon helps me build some strength because I feel very weak right now... I can not see any light at the end of my tunnel!
I think a good way to think of that might be, when you think there is no light at the end of the tunnel, tell yourself to open your eyes.
You are stronger than you think.
Big hugs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, get to the alanon meeting. You need support, right now--the face to face kind.
There is pleanty of light at the end of the tunnel--it is understandable that you feel overwhelmed and just can't see it, just yet. But--you will.
He is an alcoholic who is thinking l ike one and acting like one. As Sugarbear said--he is self centered and self loathing. And they will do anything to beat us over the head just to take the responsibility and focus off of their drinking. Likely, he feels that without you he can drink without so much hassle.
A word of caution--don't get lulled into complacency by a few sweet words---he will likely try that before it is over. He doesn't sound like he is ready to get sober--thus, NOTHING will change. It will get only worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for yourself and your son. Don't worry about him--he has the booze to keep him warm. (and his mother).
dandylion
There is pleanty of light at the end of the tunnel--it is understandable that you feel overwhelmed and just can't see it, just yet. But--you will.
He is an alcoholic who is thinking l ike one and acting like one. As Sugarbear said--he is self centered and self loathing. And they will do anything to beat us over the head just to take the responsibility and focus off of their drinking. Likely, he feels that without you he can drink without so much hassle.
A word of caution--don't get lulled into complacency by a few sweet words---he will likely try that before it is over. He doesn't sound like he is ready to get sober--thus, NOTHING will change. It will get only worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for yourself and your son. Don't worry about him--he has the booze to keep him warm. (and his mother).
dandylion
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