Marfayjo - From this post in morning ---
Thank you!
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to support me.
Here is the UPDATE:
He got up early this morning... He makes so much damn noise even though I am clearly sleeping! So I just get up.. He obviously made a plan because he is going to him moms house. He asked me to help him with something quickly and the tone in his voice was cold and sharp.
I have thought long and hard about what I need to do ... I feel that the best decision is to go through with the divorce. We don't have children together.. I have a son from my past marriage.. and he has 4 kids from 2 past marriages. In a nut shell all 4 of his kids stopped coming around a long time ago... They will call to say hi or ask for money but that is it.. His daughter will not come around unless I am here!
I am not feeling sad right now... I am feeling determined and hopeful. I think I am ready to cut all ties.. Be done and free again.. I am scared but that is ok.. Time to take care of me!
to this post in afternoon ---
Swimming in Misery!!!
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Update:
He wakes up Saturday morning and starts drinking right away.. Gets dressed and leaves... comes back at 230 and mows the lawn.. Takes a shower and asks me if I want to go with him out to eat... I say no thank you... Gets dressed and is gone again by 530pm.
So my nerves are going all night wondering if he is coming back here and if he will be hammered! By 10pm I am pretty sure he won't be here. This would be the first time since the day we met that I am clueless as to where he is or what he is doing and I am not sure why but it HURT like hell!!
This is a man who begged me a month ago not to leave him... He said he loves me and can't imagine life without me and now he is gone like THAT! Leaves me here with no money to pay the bills not even $40 for gas for my truck!
So here I sit sad... feeling sorry for myself because I am isolated myself from all my friends... Stressed cause I am broke.. I had to borrow money to feed his animal.. WOW!
I am lonely and sick to my stomach... For a while I was thinking maybe I should say sorry to him... This sucks.. I feel like I am swimming in misery!
You are caught up in the insanity of an A. Don't take it personally. Focus on what's the next best step for YOU. Have you been to alanon? Take care of yourself, rest, don't isolate.
It's easy to see now that I am out of that scenario. Insanity with an A is not a place I will choose for myself ever again.
(((HUGS))) Marfayjo