Today is the last day...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wavy, this is the very hardest part. You're almost there. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, someday you will look back on this day as the day you took your own life back.
And you will be proud that you made this difficult decision and acted on it.
And you will be proud that you made this difficult decision and acted on it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Wavy,
You are doing great. The only thing to fear is fear itself. The unknown is really scary, I know. But you are stronger than you think and have already been through so much in your life. This is a positive step for you! Sending hugs and strength to you through this process.
You are doing great. The only thing to fear is fear itself. The unknown is really scary, I know. But you are stronger than you think and have already been through so much in your life. This is a positive step for you! Sending hugs and strength to you through this process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I did it, we are broken up. I'm feeling pretty broken up inside too. He took it fantastically, he was calm, understanding, but upset and crying. It was a shock to him. He signed off on getting my name removed from things. He's being very reasonable, he accepts everything. I'm having a terrible day at uni and just want to go home and hide from all the work I need to do and hide my teary face from my office mates. I forced myself to come in today because I thought I needed to try to carry on like normal and not let myself wallow in pain, but it was a mistake because I've just got myself in a deeper hole. Considering running away back home anyway and dealing with my mounting work another day. I'm so glad he's being civil and I don't feel anger or hate towards him. This is so tough.
I think I had a panic attack this morning. I've never had one before. Just all of a sudden I couldn't breathe in (I could still breathe out) I felt like I was choking and was going to suffocate. There was no one else in the house and I briefly thought I might die. Obviously I managed to breathe again, but it was scary, especially how it came on with no warning. I don't know how I expected to feel, but I didn't expect to start getting panic attacks.
I think I had a panic attack this morning. I've never had one before. Just all of a sudden I couldn't breathe in (I could still breathe out) I felt like I was choking and was going to suffocate. There was no one else in the house and I briefly thought I might die. Obviously I managed to breathe again, but it was scary, especially how it came on with no warning. I don't know how I expected to feel, but I didn't expect to start getting panic attacks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm glad your conversation with him went OK. You CANNOT expect him to remain calm and understanding. I would predict that soon the manipulation will begin, and then anger once he sees that isn't working.
I think it's good that you went to work. You will be OK. Try to get through the day, just don't expect to get a lot done. I think it will be better for you than going home. I wouldn't expect the panic attacks to continue for more than a very short time. Right now you have just gone through something VERY difficult, and you are sort of having a boomerang effect. It will pass. Panic attacks feel awful, but they usually don't last long. When you remember that they will pass quickly, it keeps them from getting too scary. Since you don't have a history of panic disorder, I suspect this is just a temporary thing. Don't freak out too much over it.
Hugs, you're doing good!
I think it's good that you went to work. You will be OK. Try to get through the day, just don't expect to get a lot done. I think it will be better for you than going home. I wouldn't expect the panic attacks to continue for more than a very short time. Right now you have just gone through something VERY difficult, and you are sort of having a boomerang effect. It will pass. Panic attacks feel awful, but they usually don't last long. When you remember that they will pass quickly, it keeps them from getting too scary. Since you don't have a history of panic disorder, I suspect this is just a temporary thing. Don't freak out too much over it.
Hugs, you're doing good!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wavy, even "good" moves bring on temporary nostalgia and sadness. You are over the "hump", now. And, you are doing great by adhering to your goal. In the end, it will be sooo worth it!!Temporary pain for long-term gain. The hallmark of elf-esteem.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Hi Wavy,
Sometimes it's not "One day at a time", but "one minute at a time". Stay in the present and as cliche as it might sound, BREATHE. Self care right now is so important. I have had plenty of those panic attacks and slow deep breathing really helps. LexieCat is right. It's temporary and it's from too much adrenaline being in your body for a long time. It will pass. Be very gentle on yourself; eat well, take lots of breaks at work.
You ARE doing it. This IS what change looks like and feels like.
You are awesome.
Love/hugs
Carrie
Sometimes it's not "One day at a time", but "one minute at a time". Stay in the present and as cliche as it might sound, BREATHE. Self care right now is so important. I have had plenty of those panic attacks and slow deep breathing really helps. LexieCat is right. It's temporary and it's from too much adrenaline being in your body for a long time. It will pass. Be very gentle on yourself; eat well, take lots of breaks at work.
You ARE doing it. This IS what change looks like and feels like.
You are awesome.
Love/hugs
Carrie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Awww, Wavy - I'm thinking about you. I'm glad things went well with the X, although that can make it harder in some ways. It sucks so bad that only time will make it all better.
Like any addiction
the first few days will be the WORST. After that, it slowly gets easier. It will get easier to stay busy, easier to focus on the positives, and easier to keep your mind off it all...and then one day you'll wake up excited and in the middle your fun, interesting, adventurous, and CAREFREE life!
Read about breathing technique to stop a panic attack in its tracks - IT HELPS. Meditation and exercise can actually prevent them. Hang in there - sending you strength - you got this!!
Like any addiction
the first few days will be the WORST. After that, it slowly gets easier. It will get easier to stay busy, easier to focus on the positives, and easier to keep your mind off it all...and then one day you'll wake up excited and in the middle your fun, interesting, adventurous, and CAREFREE life!Read about breathing technique to stop a panic attack in its tracks - IT HELPS. Meditation and exercise can actually prevent them. Hang in there - sending you strength - you got this!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Fantastic, Wavy!!!
Now, you will have to take care of yourself gently and lovingly as you recover from the emotional fallout.
Even under the best of circumstances, moving is high on the stress list. You're also going to have lots of emotions that will be rough and uncomfortable, since you are now free to have them rather than bottle up everything to protect yourself like you've been doing around the A.
Also, the high drama is over so you can also expect a let down. Depression... Panic attacks too-- I started having them towards the end with the A. It was hyperventilation, which creates an overload of oxygen in the blood. Feels like you're suffocating but actually, you need to breathe slowwwwly, even hold your breath gently a few times, to allow carbon dioxide to build back up in the blood.
I hate that it is so rough to do what's good for us. Seems unfair! (Cue whiny tantrum. LoL)
But we're all behind you and you've got so many wise role models here who have gone down this path before.
The Journey From Abandonment to Healing is among the many books I've been using to help myself through this.....
and...CHEERS for you! You're a WINNER!!!!
Now, you will have to take care of yourself gently and lovingly as you recover from the emotional fallout.
Even under the best of circumstances, moving is high on the stress list. You're also going to have lots of emotions that will be rough and uncomfortable, since you are now free to have them rather than bottle up everything to protect yourself like you've been doing around the A.
Also, the high drama is over so you can also expect a let down. Depression... Panic attacks too-- I started having them towards the end with the A. It was hyperventilation, which creates an overload of oxygen in the blood. Feels like you're suffocating but actually, you need to breathe slowwwwly, even hold your breath gently a few times, to allow carbon dioxide to build back up in the blood.
I hate that it is so rough to do what's good for us. Seems unfair! (Cue whiny tantrum. LoL)
But we're all behind you and you've got so many wise role models here who have gone down this path before.
The Journey From Abandonment to Healing is among the many books I've been using to help myself through this.....
and...CHEERS for you! You're a WINNER!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Thanks guys as always, your support means so much to me.
Going in yesterday was a mistake and I stayed the rest of the day because I didn't want to wimp out but I didn't get anything done at all. I messed up yesterday at uni because the pressure was getting to me so much and I ended up bursting into tears in front of my supervisor and unrelatedly stupidly lying to him about how much work I'd got done (nowhere near enough, even with the lie). Today I emailed him and confessed and told him about everything that has been going on and why I'm such a mess. He was very understanding and supportive as he always is. I was just too proud to let anyone see I was struggling until it was impossible to hide any more (something I have done for a looong time). So coming clean is a bit of a weight off my mind and something might be able to be done about it, like suspending my registration to give me a little extra time, although I can't get much more because I need to have finished before my move abroad.
The mornings seem hardest at the moment, although I don't know why. I do kinda miss him, but I am aware its the fantasy him I'm missing not the real him. Its so surreal that this is my life now. I'm so glad I have my cats to keep me company and I would hate to be XABF all alone in that house, with reminders everywhere, without the cats for comfort.
We have exchanged a couple of very calm and reasonable emails and I feel like eventually we might be able to be friends. There is no animosity there, which I am so grateful for.
Going in yesterday was a mistake and I stayed the rest of the day because I didn't want to wimp out but I didn't get anything done at all. I messed up yesterday at uni because the pressure was getting to me so much and I ended up bursting into tears in front of my supervisor and unrelatedly stupidly lying to him about how much work I'd got done (nowhere near enough, even with the lie). Today I emailed him and confessed and told him about everything that has been going on and why I'm such a mess. He was very understanding and supportive as he always is. I was just too proud to let anyone see I was struggling until it was impossible to hide any more (something I have done for a looong time). So coming clean is a bit of a weight off my mind and something might be able to be done about it, like suspending my registration to give me a little extra time, although I can't get much more because I need to have finished before my move abroad.
The mornings seem hardest at the moment, although I don't know why. I do kinda miss him, but I am aware its the fantasy him I'm missing not the real him. Its so surreal that this is my life now. I'm so glad I have my cats to keep me company and I would hate to be XABF all alone in that house, with reminders everywhere, without the cats for comfort.
We have exchanged a couple of very calm and reasonable emails and I feel like eventually we might be able to be friends. There is no animosity there, which I am so grateful for.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Hey Wavy...I'm so glad that you have a good hearted supervisor. That's good!
Yes I know that surreal feeling, I had that too. Did not enjoy it!!! But again, like so much of this grief stuff, you just have to go through it, making things as gentle and healing for yourself as possible. You're in a BIG transition...plopped down into a totally new reality and it's rough!!!!
The morning grief is hard, I had it like that early on too. Again, you just have to get yourself through it...read reassuring recovery material or whatever soothes your heart....
I have to run here, but just wanted to say I'm glad you're checking in!
Big Hugs!!!
Yes I know that surreal feeling, I had that too. Did not enjoy it!!! But again, like so much of this grief stuff, you just have to go through it, making things as gentle and healing for yourself as possible. You're in a BIG transition...plopped down into a totally new reality and it's rough!!!!
The morning grief is hard, I had it like that early on too. Again, you just have to get yourself through it...read reassuring recovery material or whatever soothes your heart....
I have to run here, but just wanted to say I'm glad you're checking in!
Big Hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Hi Wavy;
I woke up sobbing from dreams every morning for awhile. It passed pretty fast. The mind is processing the shock. It's very normal and necessary; think of it like having any injury. It hurts bad at first and slowly heals. Try not to attach any meaning to this stage. Everyone recoils from pain and I know for me, I had obsessive thoughts about my EX and questioned my decision constantly.
We are all checking in on you.
Carrie
I woke up sobbing from dreams every morning for awhile. It passed pretty fast. The mind is processing the shock. It's very normal and necessary; think of it like having any injury. It hurts bad at first and slowly heals. Try not to attach any meaning to this stage. Everyone recoils from pain and I know for me, I had obsessive thoughts about my EX and questioned my decision constantly.
We are all checking in on you.
Carrie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I stayed home from work yesterday and got a few things sorted, like getting a computer (I was using XABF's before) and talking to the bank (like talking to a particularly stupid brick wall). It was a a good decision I think the space helped after the disastrous day I'd had on monday.
I spoke to my supervisor today about my various options and he is going to speak with the head of the graduate school so find out what will be best, but possibly suspending my registration to give me some breathing space. I feel so much better now that its all out in the open, I don't have to pretend I can cope any more, when I clearly can't. I know I should have been open about it long before now, but I don't like to let my front down. In fact having the pressure off, I've even managed to get on with some work today for once.
I realised I've been slacking off from my meditation and yoga (well all exercise actually) since starting to move so I'm going to try to get back to that. I did a meditation last night and slept so well (other than being woken up by my noisy hamster - I'm not used to having him in my room at night). I went for a run this morning for the first time in a few weeks because I thought getting my heart rate up and pushing myself would help get out some of those hard emotions and I think that helped. I didn't make it very far or very fast, but I think its important that I just got out and did something. Plus the sunshine in the parks and the kids playing and the art installations they've got all around my city at the moment were all very enjoyable along the way. I tried to stay mindful and live in that moment of enjoyment. Its all helping, right this second I'm feeling semi-normal, even a little happy, and if that only last for this second then I'm still grateful. I haven't actually cried today, a few wet eyes moments still, but that's progress.
I'm thinking of joining my work gym. I'm feeling really weak and think lifting some weights will give me an internal as well as external sense of strength, well that's how its always worked in the past. And it wouldn't hurt my appearance either
I spoke to my supervisor today about my various options and he is going to speak with the head of the graduate school so find out what will be best, but possibly suspending my registration to give me some breathing space. I feel so much better now that its all out in the open, I don't have to pretend I can cope any more, when I clearly can't. I know I should have been open about it long before now, but I don't like to let my front down. In fact having the pressure off, I've even managed to get on with some work today for once.
I realised I've been slacking off from my meditation and yoga (well all exercise actually) since starting to move so I'm going to try to get back to that. I did a meditation last night and slept so well (other than being woken up by my noisy hamster - I'm not used to having him in my room at night). I went for a run this morning for the first time in a few weeks because I thought getting my heart rate up and pushing myself would help get out some of those hard emotions and I think that helped. I didn't make it very far or very fast, but I think its important that I just got out and did something. Plus the sunshine in the parks and the kids playing and the art installations they've got all around my city at the moment were all very enjoyable along the way. I tried to stay mindful and live in that moment of enjoyment. Its all helping, right this second I'm feeling semi-normal, even a little happy, and if that only last for this second then I'm still grateful. I haven't actually cried today, a few wet eyes moments still, but that's progress.
I'm thinking of joining my work gym. I'm feeling really weak and think lifting some weights will give me an internal as well as external sense of strength, well that's how its always worked in the past. And it wouldn't hurt my appearance either
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I went to my AlAnon home group meeting last night and we had a few newcomers so were doing the thing where you go around the room saying your name and a bit about what brought you to AlAnon. I wasn't really thinking and said what I normally say "I come here because I grew up with an alcoholic Mother and my boyfriend is an alcoholic" Then I realised he's not my boyfriend anymore! So I corrected myself and said "EX boyfriend!" with a massive smile on my face! Its the first time I've said it out loud and it felt kinda awesome!
I picked a book at random to borrow from our AlAnon library since I haven't read any books for a few weeks now and picked up "Opening our heart, transforming our losses" and it turns out its perfect for my situation, I'm liking it a lot so far. Its about all the losses we experience from being around people with alcoholism and how to deal with the grief from those losses.
I'm feeling fairly up-beat today, but also a little sad because XABF's sister and niece are in town and I'm not going to get to see them. He said he was going to find it very hard to tell his family we are broken up, but I guess he'll tell her today and then the rest of the family will find out on the grapevine. Then I'll have to wait and see who decides to keep in contact with me. He said he hopes I will keep in touch with one of his nieces in particular whom I've given uni advice to and whom I have a fair bit in common with. I hope so too, but am leaving it up to them if they want to stay in touch even tho I'd be sad to lose them. I guess that's just another loss I may have to come to terms with.
I picked a book at random to borrow from our AlAnon library since I haven't read any books for a few weeks now and picked up "Opening our heart, transforming our losses" and it turns out its perfect for my situation, I'm liking it a lot so far. Its about all the losses we experience from being around people with alcoholism and how to deal with the grief from those losses.
I'm feeling fairly up-beat today, but also a little sad because XABF's sister and niece are in town and I'm not going to get to see them. He said he was going to find it very hard to tell his family we are broken up, but I guess he'll tell her today and then the rest of the family will find out on the grapevine. Then I'll have to wait and see who decides to keep in contact with me. He said he hopes I will keep in touch with one of his nieces in particular whom I've given uni advice to and whom I have a fair bit in common with. I hope so too, but am leaving it up to them if they want to stay in touch even tho I'd be sad to lose them. I guess that's just another loss I may have to come to terms with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ugg I always hate losing a 2nd family after a breakup - almost even more so than than the dude himself 
It gets easier, and you are smart to leave it up to them. Also - it always amazes me how your own existing family and friends really step in and become so much closer during those times. It's a beautiful thing, and takes the edge off some of that loss.
Hang in there - and hoping your days get easier fast. keep reading, keep on the Alanon - positivity is infectious!
It gets easier, and you are smart to leave it up to them. Also - it always amazes me how your own existing family and friends really step in and become so much closer during those times. It's a beautiful thing, and takes the edge off some of that loss.
Hang in there - and hoping your days get easier fast. keep reading, keep on the Alanon - positivity is infectious!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by Wavy 
Thanks guys as always, your support means so much to me.
I messed up yesterday at uni because the pressure was getting to me so much and I ended up bursting into tears in front of my supervisor and unrelatedly stupidly lying to him about how much work I'd got done (nowhere near enough, even with the lie). Today I emailed him and confessed and told him about everything that has been going on and why I'm such a mess. He was very understanding and supportive as he always is. I was just too proud to let anyone see I was struggling until it was impossible to hide any more (something I have done for a looong time).
I messed up yesterday at uni because the pressure was getting to me so much and I ended up bursting into tears in front of my supervisor and unrelatedly stupidly lying to him about how much work I'd got done (nowhere near enough, even with the lie). Today I emailed him and confessed and told him about everything that has been going on and why I'm such a mess. He was very understanding and supportive as he always is. I was just too proud to let anyone see I was struggling until it was impossible to hide any more (something I have done for a looong time).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Originally Posted by nbay2013
There were several months this year that my daughter was critically ill. And the same time I was dealing with the ABF. One day, someone at work asked me how I was doing with all that was going on. I had told them, but in a stoic logical way. The night before I had spent the night in the hospital with my daughter and I had no reserves. And I just burst into tears and couldn't stop. (haha, my worst nightmare). But the reaction was more than I could have hoped for. The love and support that come from my work mates was so beautiful. People generally want to help; But it's hard to be vulnerable; harder than being stoic. But that was a turnaround for me...in being more honest about what was going on. It was freeing.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wavy, I suspect that it is likely that your inability to ask for help or be vulnerable would stem from your early life experience. I don't know if you have ever worked with a therapist, but I feel like this would be very fruitful for you. It would be a wonderful gift to yourself.
You certainly not the first person to have this particular problem---from what I see, it is quite common!
When the student is ready.....the teacher arrives.......
dandylion
You certainly not the first person to have this particular problem---from what I see, it is quite common!
When the student is ready.....the teacher arrives.......
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I've been working with a counsellor for about the last year and it has been very helpful, I've made so much progress in that time. A lot comes from my experiences growing up, but my counsellor noted that I'm reluctant to delve into those things, seeing them as done and in the past, focussing only on the now. Its true, I've sort of boxed them off, to the point where I can't remember a lot about my childhood, but I am getting better at making those connections and things are coming back as I'm open to learning from them. My AlAnon sponsor suggested I went through my life in five year segments to help me look at the impact my past has had on me. I haven't started that yet, but it sounds like it will be a useful, if painful, exercise.
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