Today is the last day...
 

Today is the last day that I have to tolerate ABF's aggressive driving, road rage, insults shouted at passers by or complaints that I'm no fun for turning the radio down so I can hear the road.

Today is the last day I have to try to ignore ABF's rants, pretending that what he says is not highly offensive and hurtful so that he doesn't feel any victory from his vitriol.

Today is the last day that I have to be in close proximity to his negative energy, which somehow always pollutes mine however bright and positive I'm trying to feel.

Today is the last day that I have to wonder what I am coming home to or to fruitlessly hope that somehow today I'll get a morsel of the love I crave from him.

Today is the last day that I will be ordered about, guilted into taking care of his responsibilities for him or berated for standing my ground.

Today is the last day I will have to share my car, my cats, my home and my life with ABF.

Today I am apprehensive, excited, sacred, worried, conflicted, sure, hopeful, fearful and numb.

Tomorrow he leaves the country for ten days and my cats and I can safely leave my lovely 3 bedroom home with a nice garden taking my personal belongings, but having to leave everything else, including all the dreams I had for our relationship, to move into a box room in a shared house with strangers.

Tomorrow is the start of my freedom, full of hope an possibilities. Reading and posting here, along with AlAnon, counselling and the support of my friends and family have gradually and gently lead me here. Thank you is not enough to express my gratitude.

Today I am ready.

Yay!! You sound good, you sound ready!

Just know that you will have moments when you wonder if you've done the right thing, when you feel bad, when you feel sorry for him. It's OK. Those thoughts won't mean you've done the wrong thing. It is completely normal and part of the process. Just giving you a heads-up so those thoughts don't throw you for a loop when they come.

As you posted in another thread, you observe the thoughts, see them for what they are, but don't invite them to sit down and make themselves at home. :)

You are gonna LOVE having your space again!!

Thanks Lexie. I've already had quite a few of those thoughts and I haven't even left yet! I've even had times when I couldn't quite seem to bring into focus why I was deciding to leave, blinded by some small comfort I felt from him. In those times I've tried to give it up to my HP, knowing that, even tho I couldn't see why right now, leaving was the best thing for me and that whatever happened. as long as I stay focussed on me, I will be OK. I feel anxiety in my chest, but calmness in my heart. Its scary, but its the right thing.

Thnking of you, Wavy! Sending strength and courage, but also happily envisioning your bright and peaceful future!

Thanks SparkleKitty, I'm going to need all the strength and courage I can get over the next few days, weeks and months! :)

You are very brave! You are showing us all the courage and strength some if us wish we had and you are an example to us all! Thank you for sharing! You will do amazing!

Thanks Richardswife :) I couldn't have done it without seeing the strength and courage of the people that have done it before me. Consider it a pass it forward type thing! There was a time when I could never have imagined this happening, I felt so trapped, confused and broken. I've had a few false starts along the way when I wasn't really ready to take those steps yet and that's ok. But now I know and now I am ready. Its been a looong journey, with further still ahead of me, this is only the beginning. You will get there too in your own way and your own time, you've learnt so much already :)

I can’t help but think of that expression:

Leap and the net will appear.

I am so proud of you for taking that leap for yourself to have a happier and healthier life ahead. To have faith in yourself and courage to do what is best for YOU.

I think right now it’s all so over whelming and emotional and with more time away from the chaos that FOG begins to lift and a new strong Wavy appears.

You’ll come to cherish your little box room which will be free from rants and rages and all that negative energy. This is your “in the mean time” place, not permanent and life long just a nice, safe negative free space for now.

I’m in a” in the mean time” place and I truly do cherish that’s its all mine free from the chaos of addiction.

And the only negativity I bring into my “in the mean time” place lye in my own thoughts. But I am still a work in progress.

((hugs))

Thanks atalose. Your post filled me with so much hope! Thanks for the added strength :)

I am really looking forward to the peace of not having to deal with ABF. What tipped the scales was him going away for the weekend. I enjoyed being on my own so much and dreaded him coming home that really it was obvious what my decision should be. And I wanted that peace more than I wanted my house and furniture etc etc. At one time I was caught up in how I was going to take my 'life' with me if I left him, but the peace of that box room will be worth so much more than all of that. I'm not going to fight him, he can keep all the joint stuff, the deposit on the house and I'm even leaving him money for my half of the bills and rent once I'm gone. At this point I just want to get away as drama-free as possible.

I remember that post of yours about the argument in the car, with the name-calling. I remember thinking, geeze, nobody should be treated that way.

You've come a very long way in not so many months. I'm so glad you are headed for freedom.

And I totally get you on the "stuff"--you have plenty of time to acquire new "stuff"--and it won't be associated with this miserable relationship. It will be shiny and new (even if it's used stuff), and YOURS.

Wavy, you truly ARE sacred--that must be some kind of freudian slip thing there....

It is nothing short of amazing, what you're doing here, and I look forward to hearing from you on a regular basis about how things are going, what you're learning.

Please don't be a stranger here--and as ever, wishing you strength, clarity and peace!

Believe me I know exactly how you feel and YES there will be peace once you are away from it.

They do like to argue they do like to attempt to suck us back in so guard you rself emotionally as well. You may have to go no contact, change your phone # and if possible don’t give him your new address. Maybe get a post office box and have your mail forwarded to that “in the mean time”.

I left my ex several times and with each time I learned valuable lesions not only about addiction but about myself as well.

This go around in order for me to totally make a clean break and leave all that chaos behind I needed to obtain a restraining order so that he would not harass me via phone or show up where I am currently living. I didn’t do that last time and the emotional pull from him kept me sucked in even thought I was physically out.

Wavy,

You have filled my day with hope and inspiration! My blessings to you, your cats, and your new wonderful room.

Hugs!!!

(ETA: wow there were a flurry of posts while I wrote that! This is in response to Lexie's post about the car incident) Its sad, but incidents like that are such a routine occurrence that it didn't even seem that shocking to me. It seems like I'm still realising and coming to terms with how far reaching and deep the abuse actually went, and I suspect I might be for a long time. I mean I knew it was unpleasant, but I didn't realise how very very abnormal and wrong it was.

In the last years or so I have got to know several men who, without even realising it, have shown me that his behaviour was in such contrast to how 'normal' men were and have opened my eyes to the idea that men can be kind, compassionate people. It really was a revelation! The moment my controlling father moved out the family house I moved my controlling STBXABF (eek it feels awesome to get to use that new acronym!) in and so I've never had a time without a controlling man who isolated me from healthy men. I also went to an all girls school, so never had much contract with the male half of the population.

Hahaha oops yep total Freudian slip there :p Thank you honeypig. I'm not going anywhere, this place is a lifeline :)

I'm not planning on letting him find out my new address. iw as thinking of changing my address to my Dad's initially, so if any confirmation letters get sent to the house they will have his address on, then changing my address again to where I'll actually be living.

I'm also not at all reluctant to get a restraining order the second he does anything that is grounds for one, which may be pretty sharpish. I've seen how his behaviour can escalate in the past and I'm not going there again, firstly to protect me, but secondly to protect the people I'm moving in with and the people I work with. They don't deserve to be subjected to him any more than I do.

I plan to go NC once all the paperwork for the house is sorted out, there may be a few things I need his consent for in order to get my name taken off them. I just hope that doesn't turn into a battle its self!

Thank you Dreams :) It fills me with warmth that my journey lifts other people.

I went to a different AlAnon meeting than my normal one a few weeks back and shared. There were a mother and daughter there struggling with an alcoholic husband/father. After the meeting the mother came up to me to thank me for how much my share had helped her daughter and I wanted to cry. I go to AlAnon meetings to help myself, but that my hurt and struggles have a positive place for someone else just lifted me up inside. Isn't there some saying about in order to keep your recovery you need to give it away? I understand that now.

I really am so grateful for SR and AlAnon, I would never have imagined either one could have had the amazing impact on my life that hey have done!

Also meant to mention, any necessary contact I do have with STBXABF after I leave will be via email so there is a record of what he says (for evidence if need be) and also so that I have a bit of time and space to reply to him without his urgency muddling and twisting my thoughts.

^^^^ I love this.. I've never heard it.

Your post made me cry happy tears. Print it out and post it where you can see it for the first couple if months in your new place. So you don't forget why you left.

A judge once said to me that "geographic location is irrelevant when it comes to determining what constitutes a HOME" - and that's my contribution to your new home. That thought.

Houses, furniture, it's all just stuff. You will build a home where you are respected and loved (even if, you know, cats aren't always all that loudly expressive of their love!) and where you can heal and grow.

I am so to the bottom of my heart happy for you and proud of you for taking this leap to take care of yourself and move negativity hurt and addiction out of your life.

That's a great suggestion lillamy, I think I'll do just that :) Thank you for the encouragement :)

It's a very old, and common, saying in AA and in Al-Anon. Twelfth Step in action.