Today is the last day...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Perfect. I'm sure these kinds of situations happen all the time.
You can be certain of YOUR honesty and good faith, you just need to be protected in the event he is not as reasonable and fair.
You can be certain of YOUR honesty and good faith, you just need to be protected in the event he is not as reasonable and fair.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I was going to say, I was able to put a hold on a line of credit that I had joint with a BF I was leaving. They would only do it if the account had a zero balance, so I ponied up the 400 bucks to put it at zero and put a hold on it.
Oh I hope you find so much pleasure in the little things from making the first meal that YOU want to picking out a new shower curtain and throw pillows that are perfect for YOUR home, and fit YOUR personality.
I am so happy for you - you got this - what a wonderful new beginning!
Oh I hope you find so much pleasure in the little things from making the first meal that YOU want to picking out a new shower curtain and throw pillows that are perfect for YOUR home, and fit YOUR personality.
I am so happy for you - you got this - what a wonderful new beginning!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Wavy 
I've just read that I may be able to freeze the account without him agreeing, until we can agree what will happen to it, but will have to go and talk to the bank again in more detail to find out about all the options. I just asked in passing while I was paying a cheque in this morning about whether I could take my name off it without his permission. A one to one session with an advisor should give me a chance to asks some more questions.
What a relief to find that out!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Wavy
Today is the last day that I have to tolerate ABF's aggressive driving, road rage, insults shouted at passers by or complaints that I'm no fun for turning the radio down so I can hear the road.
Today is the last day I have to try to ignore ABF's rants, pretending that what he says is not highly offensive and hurtful so that he doesn't feel any victory from his vitriol.
Today is the last day that I have to be in close proximity to his negative energy, which somehow always pollutes mine however bright and positive I'm trying to feel.
Today is the last day that I have to wonder what I am coming home to or to fruitlessly hope that somehow today I'll get a morsel of the love I crave from him.
Today is the last day that I will be ordered about, guilted into taking care of his responsibilities for him or berated for standing my ground.
Today is the last day I will have to share my car, my cats, my home and my life with ABF.
Today I am apprehensive, excited, sacred, worried, conflicted, sure, hopeful, fearful and numb.
Tomorrow he leaves the country for ten days and my cats and I can safely leave my lovely 3 bedroom home with a nice garden taking my personal belongings, but having to leave everything else, including all the dreams I had for our relationship, to move into a box room in a shared house with strangers.
Tomorrow is the start of my freedom, full of hope an possibilities. Reading and posting here, along with AlAnon, counselling and the support of my friends and family have gradually and gently lead me here. Thank you is not enough to express my gratitude.
Today I am ready.
Today is the last day I have to try to ignore ABF's rants, pretending that what he says is not highly offensive and hurtful so that he doesn't feel any victory from his vitriol.
Today is the last day that I have to be in close proximity to his negative energy, which somehow always pollutes mine however bright and positive I'm trying to feel.
Today is the last day that I have to wonder what I am coming home to or to fruitlessly hope that somehow today I'll get a morsel of the love I crave from him.
Today is the last day that I will be ordered about, guilted into taking care of his responsibilities for him or berated for standing my ground.
Today is the last day I will have to share my car, my cats, my home and my life with ABF.
Today I am apprehensive, excited, sacred, worried, conflicted, sure, hopeful, fearful and numb.
Tomorrow he leaves the country for ten days and my cats and I can safely leave my lovely 3 bedroom home with a nice garden taking my personal belongings, but having to leave everything else, including all the dreams I had for our relationship, to move into a box room in a shared house with strangers.
Tomorrow is the start of my freedom, full of hope an possibilities. Reading and posting here, along with AlAnon, counselling and the support of my friends and family have gradually and gently lead me here. Thank you is not enough to express my gratitude.
Today I am ready.
My best to you--thanks for sharing this with us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
So after taking yesterday to relax and enjoy the sense of freedom I had, today I packed my first boxes! 
I packed up all my books and ended up with 5 boxes worth. If that's how many boxes I've got just of books, I have no idea how the rest of my stuff is going to fit in my new place! I took one of the boxes to work since they are text books, so I won't need to find anywhere to store them now, which helps.
Another thing I did today, which seems so minor, but which is a massively exciting thing was deactivate the screen lock on my phone. I had to put on one because i couldn't trust ABF to not go through everything on my phone and then send offensive things to people I'd been talking with. That screen lock is such a PITA every time I want to look at my phone. And now its gone! I don't have to worry about anyone reading my phone and I can read it just like that! Ah so many tiny tiny freedoms that I am enjoying discovering! And we aren't even technically broken up yet!
I packed up all my books and ended up with 5 boxes worth. If that's how many boxes I've got just of books, I have no idea how the rest of my stuff is going to fit in my new place! I took one of the boxes to work since they are text books, so I won't need to find anywhere to store them now, which helps.Another thing I did today, which seems so minor, but which is a massively exciting thing was deactivate the screen lock on my phone. I had to put on one because i couldn't trust ABF to not go through everything on my phone and then send offensive things to people I'd been talking with. That screen lock is such a PITA every time I want to look at my phone. And now its gone! I don't have to worry about anyone reading my phone and I can read it just like that! Ah so many tiny tiny freedoms that I am enjoying discovering! And we aren't even technically broken up yet!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Wavy
So after taking yesterday to relax and enjoy the sense of freedom I had, today I packed my first boxes! I packed up all my books and ended up with 5 boxes worth. If that's how many boxes I've got just of books, I have no idea how the rest of my stuff is going to fit in my new place! I took one of the boxes to work since they are text books, so I won't need to find anywhere to store them now, which helps.
Another thing I did today, which seems so minor, but which is a massively exciting thing was deactivate the screen lock on my phone. I had to put on one because i couldn't trust ABF to not go through everything on my phone and then send offensive things to people I'd been talking with. That screen lock is such a PITA every time I want to look at my phone. And now its gone! I don't have to worry about anyone reading my phone and I can read it just like that! Ah so many tiny tiny freedoms that I am enjoying discovering! And we aren't even technically broken up yet!
I packed up all my books and ended up with 5 boxes worth. If that's how many boxes I've got just of books, I have no idea how the rest of my stuff is going to fit in my new place! I took one of the boxes to work since they are text books, so I won't need to find anywhere to store them now, which helps.Another thing I did today, which seems so minor, but which is a massively exciting thing was deactivate the screen lock on my phone. I had to put on one because i couldn't trust ABF to not go through everything on my phone and then send offensive things to people I'd been talking with. That screen lock is such a PITA every time I want to look at my phone. And now its gone! I don't have to worry about anyone reading my phone and I can read it just like that! Ah so many tiny tiny freedoms that I am enjoying discovering! And we aren't even technically broken up yet!
Being an I.T. guy I have to comment: keep the screen lock on your phone. Not sure what kind of phone it is, but if someone happens to get their paws on it - they could invoke some serious damage financially and in other ways. Thousands of cellphones go missing/get stolen daily - and you don't want your personal info out there for just anyone's taking.
Just my 2 cent's worth.
C-OH Dad
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I remember the biggest thing for me was leaving the TV OFF. The last guy I lived with had to have it on constantly--mostly home improvement shows or football.
I still leave the TV off the vast majority of the time. Love the silence.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Glad things are going well for you!
Being an I.T. guy I have to comment: keep the screen lock on your phone. Not sure what kind of phone it is, but if someone happens to get their paws on it - they could invoke some serious damage financially and in other ways. Thousands of cellphones go missing/get stolen daily - and you don't want your personal info out there for just anyone's taking.
Just my 2 cent's worth.
C-OH Dad
Being an I.T. guy I have to comment: keep the screen lock on your phone. Not sure what kind of phone it is, but if someone happens to get their paws on it - they could invoke some serious damage financially and in other ways. Thousands of cellphones go missing/get stolen daily - and you don't want your personal info out there for just anyone's taking.
Just my 2 cent's worth.
C-OH Dad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Thanks for the lock advice I've got it so it I can remotely lock it if it goes missing. ABF had his phone stolen a while ago and the police were actually glad that he didn't have a lock on his phone because it meant they could access his phone to locate him via the phone numbers, facebook and twitter on his phone (they'd picked up the guys for something else but found ABF and several other people's phones on them. He didn't know it had been stolen - he was drunk and thought he had lost it! But the police had footage of them stealing it from him. That saga is story in itself!) and get his testimony to get the guys put away.
I've got it so it I can remotely lock it if it goes missing. ABF had his phone stolen a while ago and the police were actually glad that he didn't have a lock on his phone because it meant they could access his phone to locate him via the phone numbers, facebook and twitter on his phone (they'd picked up the guys for something else but found ABF and several other people's phones on them. He didn't know it had been stolen - he was drunk and thought he had lost it! But the police had footage of them stealing it from him. That saga is story in itself!) and get his testimony to get the guys put away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I remember the biggest thing for me was leaving the TV OFF. The last guy I lived with had to have it on constantly--mostly home improvement shows or football.
I still leave the TV off the vast majority of the time. Love the silence.
Oh the peace without him there is lovely!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Today has been really hard. Lots and lots of tears. My friends are coming tomorrow to help move my stuff so I'm packing everything up and its very emotional.
On the suggestion of my friends I called my Dad to see if he could be with me when ABF returns home next weekend. I talked to him about what I was doing and he gave some advice about getting my names off things. He lives at the other end of the country but offered to come stay with me from tomorrow.
I'm bad at accepting help but I'm swallowing my pride and accepting anything anyone offers right now because I need the emotional support. I am physically able to cope with the moving and in the past I would have thought that meant I could manage, but I can't. Just having people that I know care about me around me will be a comfort.
I was doing really well and feeling really positive. I think that with seeing my stuff disappearing from the house, places bare that used to house my stuff, boxes everywhere, it's really started hitting home the reality of all this. My hormones aren't helping either, nice timing mother nature!
On the suggestion of my friends I called my Dad to see if he could be with me when ABF returns home next weekend. I talked to him about what I was doing and he gave some advice about getting my names off things. He lives at the other end of the country but offered to come stay with me from tomorrow.
I'm bad at accepting help but I'm swallowing my pride and accepting anything anyone offers right now because I need the emotional support. I am physically able to cope with the moving and in the past I would have thought that meant I could manage, but I can't. Just having people that I know care about me around me will be a comfort.
I was doing really well and feeling really positive. I think that with seeing my stuff disappearing from the house, places bare that used to house my stuff, boxes everywhere, it's really started hitting home the reality of all this. My hormones aren't helping either, nice timing mother nature!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you are doing awesomely, Wavy, and I'm glad you are accepting the help and support that you need. I'm sure your dad is very happy to be able to do that for you--I'm glad you listened to your friend and called him.
This is all gonna be OK. I've been known to get misty when I sell a car that served me well--something like this is so much bigger. Just remember, we sometimes have to painfully part with the old to move on to the joyful new. It will be rough going now and then for a little while, but it will be better sooner than you think.
Hugs, I'm so, SO proud of you!!
This is all gonna be OK. I've been known to get misty when I sell a car that served me well--something like this is so much bigger. Just remember, we sometimes have to painfully part with the old to move on to the joyful new. It will be rough going now and then for a little while, but it will be better sooner than you think.
Hugs, I'm so, SO proud of you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Thank you so much Lexie! You even managed to coax a smile out of me I think more people have told me they are proud of me for planning to leave ABF (I haven't even left yet!) than any of my other achievements! I truly appreciate it though. As a typical ACoA I never feel any of my numerous achievements are good enough, so the normal times people are proud of me (graduations etc) I don't really truly believe them because to me my achievements are run of the mill, nothing special. But I really do believe people about this, maybe because I had no expectations to live up to for someone else and because this really is something truly hard for me, whereas uni etc is sometimes hard work, but never so deeply personally difficult as leaving ABF is. And because it's come from people not personally invested in the outcome, so seems more genuine.
I think more people have told me they are proud of me for planning to leave ABF (I haven't even left yet!) than any of my other achievements! I truly appreciate it though. As a typical ACoA I never feel any of my numerous achievements are good enough, so the normal times people are proud of me (graduations etc) I don't really truly believe them because to me my achievements are run of the mill, nothing special. But I really do believe people about this, maybe because I had no expectations to live up to for someone else and because this really is something truly hard for me, whereas uni etc is sometimes hard work, but never so deeply personally difficult as leaving ABF is. And because it's come from people not personally invested in the outcome, so seems more genuine.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Originally Posted by Wavy
Thank you so much Lexie! You even managed to coax a smile out of me I think more people have told me they are proud of me for planning to leave ABF (I haven't even left yet!) than any of my other achievements! I truly appreciate it though. As a typical ACoA I never feel any of my numerous achievements are good enough, so the normal times people are proud of me (graduations etc) I don't really truly believe them because to me my achievements are run of the mill, nothing special. But I really do believe people about this, maybe because I had no expectations to live up to for someone else and because this really is something truly hard for me, whereas uni etc is sometimes hard work, but never so deeply personally difficult as leaving ABF is. And because it's come from people not personally invested in the outcome, so seems more genuine.
I think more people have told me they are proud of me for planning to leave ABF (I haven't even left yet!) than any of my other achievements! I truly appreciate it though. As a typical ACoA I never feel any of my numerous achievements are good enough, so the normal times people are proud of me (graduations etc) I don't really truly believe them because to me my achievements are run of the mill, nothing special. But I really do believe people about this, maybe because I had no expectations to live up to for someone else and because this really is something truly hard for me, whereas uni etc is sometimes hard work, but never so deeply personally difficult as leaving ABF is. And because it's come from people not personally invested in the outcome, so seems more genuine.Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
I am also impressed, Wavy! Like so many others here, I also know from experience how hard the wrenching away is!! Every bit of support you can take in is so important because what you are doing IS a tectonic shift!
I also understand the feeling of not "connecting" to your successes. I'm glad you're feeling the pride in yourself for doing this! That is a real advantage. (I think that's another one to talk about with my therapist--I see from comparing how you're taking this to how I've been.)
I also understand the feeling of not "connecting" to your successes. I'm glad you're feeling the pride in yourself for doing this! That is a real advantage. (I think that's another one to talk about with my therapist--I see from comparing how you're taking this to how I've been.)
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain
I am also impressed, Wavy! Like so many others here, I also know from experience how hard the wrenching away is!! Every bit of support you can take in is so important because what you are doing IS a tectonic shift!
I also understand the feeling of not "connecting" to your successes. I'm glad you're feeling the pride in yourself for doing this! That is a real advantage. (I think that's another one to talk about with my therapist--I see from comparing how you're taking this to how I've been.)
I also understand the feeling of not "connecting" to your successes. I'm glad you're feeling the pride in yourself for doing this! That is a real advantage. (I think that's another one to talk about with my therapist--I see from comparing how you're taking this to how I've been.)
I have been meaning to tell you this: you are working so hard on your recovery, you should be very proud of yourself too. I know you aren't where you want to be yet, but with your wonderful effort, you will get there.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
Arg,
I have been meaning to tell you this: you are working so hard on your recovery, you should be very proud of yourself too. I know you aren't where you want to be yet, but with your wonderful effort, you will get there.
I have been meaning to tell you this: you are working so hard on your recovery, you should be very proud of yourself too. I know you aren't where you want to be yet, but with your wonderful effort, you will get there.
I think I'm gonna cry! Thank you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Thanks Dreams and Arg. It does help that you guys know what its like. People in normal relationships don't understand why it's so messed up. I couldn't have started this without the stories of those that have already got through this stage inspiring me and the stories of those still just realising they've been sucked into the black pit that alcoholism causes to remind me where I'll be back if I don't keep going and to remind me to put my advice to others into action for myself! It helps knowing that I'm passing on what I've learnt to others exactly where I was, just as others have done for me. And yes Arg your doing great, your threads help me too!
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