KathySmith

Wavy, you are brave and although I don't know you and am new here, I can completely relate!

My ex husband was an alcoholic with rage. He never abused me physically, he play a psychological war with words and intimidation. I was belittled, made fun of, laughed at, yelled at, ignored and scolded - constantly. I never crossed him for fear of why "might" happen. I have four children and stuck with him for 18 years.

I wish you the best in your journey to extricate yourself from this person who fails to see your beauty. It is hard and it is a long road, give yourself time to adjust. Just like alcoholics have urges to drink you will have doubts and urges to try to make it work again. Treat it the same way and seek encouragement and strength from others to stage the course. You are committed and there is no baby steps, no turning back - you can do this!

Peace and comfort to you.

Wavy

Thanks for the encouragement KathySmith. Honestly I think the emotional/psychological abuse is the hardest to deal with. I'm glad you are free of that now.

Ironically after we broke up he emailed me to tell me what a beautiful person I am and how he hopes I'll be happy. It is a shame it took breaking up for him to feel these things for me! He is being accepting of everything so its nice at least to have his positive sentiments for the future.

Wavy

Also added to the list of small victories that mean so much now I'm free of XABF: wearing my favourite white jeans that he hated and feeling confident in the way I look!

LexieCat

The last guy I was with hated my favorite comfy boat shoes. I LIVED in them after I kicked him out.

firebolt

Ahh the benefits of a breakup - through all the pain and bs, there are so many parts of the aftermath that I love! I always get back in shape, I blare the music I want to hear, I see plays, opera, and movies I want to see. I cook what I want, and hang the art that I want, and buy the throw pillows in the color that I want. It's pretty great - ENJOY!

KathySmith

It's interesting Wavy, mine threw out my old, leather, well worn, white cowboy boots that I loved! My dad got them for me when I was 16. I loved those boots and he hated them.

Actually he threw out a lot of my things, I am now just realizing. I think they do it as a control measure. As I am sure you've guessed, he was very manipulative and controlling.

My therapist once told me that part of the control is making us believe we are stupid, unworthy, unwanted by anyone else, fat, lazy and any other negative you want to throw in here because they are actually threatened by us and don't want us to realize we are not those things and leave them. I bet you look really awesome in your white jeans and he doesn't want you to look good, feel confident etc.

While I am glad he seems to behaving himself however, do not let your guard down, tigers do not change their stripes and he could be "playing nice" to win you back or gather info about where you are etc.

You have time on your side, only time will show if he is worthy of 1 second of your time. Talk is cheap and he may think manipulation worked so well, he can do it again.

My ex and I are ok now, we have 4 kids and co-parent well. We have both moved on and he knows he has zero control over me.

GL!

dandylion

Wavy, I'll bet you look great in those white jeans. Maybe, even buy yourself an extra pair.

I love white jeans. I even wore them in the wintertime--way before it was fashionably "acceptable" to do so. I loved to wear a black turtleneck sweater with tight-fitting white jeans and high heels--in the wintertime. Sigh.........


dandylion

Wavy

Sounds awesome! Makes me wonder why we'd ever give that stuff up?!

I think you are right, he was threatened. He used to put me down all the time for wearing things I looked nice in because if I looked nice I was obviously trying to attract other men. He would notice I looked nice, but it was always a backhanded compliment, like "Why are you looking so pretty just to go into uni?" or any of many variants along those lines. I've only recently started getting back the confidence to dress like me again, but I'm really enjoying it.

But honestly I think it was more about someone else wanting something that was his than about what my intentions were. He always said he trusted me, just not other people. Which is a load of BS, if he trusted me then what other people did would be of no consequence, but he was affronted that someone would DARE try to take something of his from him, almost regardless of whether I was interested or not. He wanted the pretty thing, and for people to know he had the pretty thing, but not for other people to admire the pretty thing.

I know that his playing nice might not last and thats ok because I'm not invested in it, but it makes it a little easier to have an accepting break rather than having to fight for the break, like I'd expected.

Girl after my own heart, I like your style!

dandylion

Yes, wavy, I hear you that is a blessing that the break-up went better than you expected. I am so glad that you are prepared to be unmoved by his manipulations. Hang steady--sometimes the will switch tactics if the first ones are not as effective as they like.

dandylion

Wavy

I'm feeling a bit like I've let myself down on my recovery today. I have had a few conversations with XBF since we split up. I had asked him to only contact me via email, but he's messaged me on facebook as well, which I didn't really mind because I just wanted there to be a written record of the things he said in case he got nasty.

Last night about midnight he called me and against my better judgement I answered. That was my first mistake, the second was continuing to talk to him once I realised he'd been drinking. I totally failed to uphold my boundaries and I suffered the consequences with my severely disrupted sleep after that, and I don't do well without sleep!

He wanted to meet up today to talk. He wanted to borrow my car, but I said no, he wanted to meet up anyway, as friends. I agreed to see him because if we can pull this friends thing off it would be great, but I had an open mind about how it would go and didn't plan any outcomes.

I thought I was approaching it with an AlAnon attitude - but I skipped an expectation in there! Expecting that he would keep the arrangement at all! Half an hour before we were supposed to meet he messages me to postpone and I felt like a right idiot, disappointed and a little angry. So stupid of me to rely on his word, when I know better! So frustrating! I know progress not perfection, but this is going backwards. Disappointing.

I'm not great when plans change - I like to organise things then for things to happen like they were planned and when it changes it can throw my whole day off. You can see why living with an alcoholic was always going to be hard on me! I need to learn to roll with the punches a bit more! Now I have some extra free time this afternoon I need to put it to good use rather than being dazed at its sudden appearance and wasting it away. I should use it to work on my thesis...but lately that's just been staring at words rather than progress.

SparkleKitty

I think under the best of break-up circumstances, there needs to be a significant break before real friendship is possible. I understand the intention, even admire it, but I think there might be a little too much immediate baggage here to pursue that without a lot of drama and difficulty right now. He is just now understanding what it is to not have you anymore. No contact might help everyone get used to the idea. Hugs to you, Wavy. You are doing really well.

ShootingStar1

Getting back into contact with my AXH (which I have had to do to prepare and try to sell our co-owned house) had two results for me.

First, it was devastating emotionally. AXH is not drinking to excess right now, managing moderation at the moment, and he wanted me back. I saw the good parts of him, and while I didn't go back, it made me long for the best parts of our 20 year marriage, and miss them - and him. That threw me into depression because I was leaving again, and this time not in crisis with his abuse intolerable and his alcoholism unbearable. I questioned myself.

Second, having lived through that, I am finally emerging with a much more wholistic understanding of how my marriage to AXH mirrored other prior relationships - including my father, brother, prior love partners. And how the destructive patterns of each played into my depression and self doubt.

I thought I could be friends. But it is the story, as I have posted here, of the frog and the scorpion. He is who he is, and for me, he is always, eventually, and ultimately, destructive.

I am finally ready to look at the sale of this house as a business real estate transaction, not the conclusion of a marriage. I would rather invest my time in myself and my new life than tease myself with the potential of a friendship with my AXH and discover again the devastation. Just my experience, take what you want, leave the rest.

ShootingStar1

nbay2013

Well said Sparkle;

I have a lifelong friend; we were together when we were 18 to 21. We did not have ANY alcohol/drugs abuse issues. We just went our separate ways for reasons having to do with going to college and life goals. Even THAT relationship took 5 years of having little contact before we became the best friends we are today. By the time we reconnected in my late twenties I was married; he had a girlfriend and it was like a new relationship.

After having No Contact with my EX-AB for almost a month, I have to say, it's the way to go. It's like being sent to our respective corners when things are getting out of hand. It's HARD...at first. But then I started realizing my attachment/need for him wasn't love. It was fear of loss and dealing with my own problems. I am still in the midst of it, but it's getting better.

Wavy

I do think it is for the best that he cancelled, I was getting a bit apprehensive about the meeting. I was planning to go no contact after we split up, mostly because I thought there would be horrible fall out, but since there hasn't been I think that's why I've remained in occasional contact. It does seem easier for me the times I don't hear from him for a while tho. I will seriously consider going no contact, something is holding me back tho which I can't quite put my finger on yet. I don't feel a need to talk to him, in fact every time I've seen something or thought of something that has made me think of him, that I would normally have contacted him about I haven't, its been him initiating contact. Maybe I'm feeling a need to still be there for him, so I haven't totally abandoned him when I still care for him. I don't know if that is it, its not a great reason if it is.

nbay2013

I really understand that feeling. And in the spirit of full disclosure, it wasn't until my ExAB hurt me really bad last month, was I able to pull off no contact. I tried no contact for almost a year and just could not let go of leaving the door open....because...just maybe......?" If anyone would have suggested zero contact a year ago, I would have ignored them, including my therapist. I guess we all have our own unique timetable. I have found for me, in dealing with this issue, there is no "one size fits all". Just suggestions and experience.

kab

hi wavy,,,i'm happy for you.i feel you are doing the right thing,just keep in mind to keep JESUS in your heart ,ask him to help you do the right and best thing for yourself.i'm no counselor or doctor,i'm just a recovering sober drunk,and I only telling you what I do,,if I need help with my sobriety or any other problems I run into in my life.prayer works,,, remember "JLY"

Wavy

Hi kab. Congratulations on your sobriety! I'm glad you have found something that is working for you. I'm atheist, so probably think about thinks in a slightly different way than you do, but I appreciate you sharing your ES&H

kab

Hi wavy i will still pray for you anyway......