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A small update

Old 07-28-2013, 09:24 PM
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A small update

Today is day 12 of an abrupt end to a 5 year relationship with Ex-AB. After a bit over a year of his being in AA and us being mostly apart we had been discussing reconciliation for the last 4 or 6 weeks, culminating in romance, love making (after a year) and good feelings. Then he was gone. With a few emails exchanges of how confused he was and how he didn't feel that way about me anymore. In 48 hours. Shock...omg...Really? And that, is that.

So I am on day 12. The last 12 days I have lived on this site and that is what got me through. Along with my friends, angry biking, photography, and lots and lots of crying.

Every once in awhile in the last 5 days I have been having these, what my daughter calls, "dolphin moments". She said, it's when the dolphin jumps out of the water and has a clear look at what is outside their reality, if just for a moment. And then, they dive back in. During one of these dolphin moments, I realized something. Mind you, I am an Atheist, not really spiritual. But it feels as though the Universe took the matters into it's own hands and removed this man. I mean, really; I can't be with him. His life is chaos. Bill collectors, compulsive chain smoking, poor health. He abruptly stopped taking his antidepressant without telling a doctor or his therapist. Never quite making the rent. Attached wages from the IRS. Etc etc etc. He received a unexpected amount of money two months ago. It would have been a buffer against poverty or he could have paid a friend back he owes money to and instead of using it for rent/medicine/food, he purchased a brand new hot shot SLR camera and a new laptop. Omg, I need to wake up!

I feel like I am waking up...just a little. I still wake up crying, I still feel like I will be alone and sad forever...but I have these moments. And that is something.

Love/hugs

Carrie
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Old 07-28-2013, 09:32 PM
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((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) carrie, dolphins are beautiful!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think I need to say anything, your post really says it all.

Thank You.
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Old 07-28-2013, 10:23 PM
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Love your comments about dolphin moments! Keep moving forward towards that new and peaceful life that is waiting for you!
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Old 07-28-2013, 11:35 PM
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I agree with the others - love the "dolphin moment" idea! So beautifully put!

Love the note that your post ended on as well. That IS something.

Your awareness and acceptance of the reality of the situation shows your wisdom and strength. Still, it does hurt, and I offer my empathy. When we are with someone, we have hopes for a future. Even when things need to end for us to be as healthy as we can be, it still hurts.

Gotta say, I loved that - "angry biking" - that's great! Get it out, hon!
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Old 07-28-2013, 11:40 PM
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Carrie, I hope what the dolphin moments show you becomes your entire reality. Lots of love to you.
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Old 07-28-2013, 11:55 PM
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Thank you all, and thank you S.R. Angry biking...lol. What that looks like, is twice a day, biking. The lunch ride is hard...hills, intense...i bike, and have rants in my head that are just off the charts...I get to the top of the hill, spent, angry, still ranting and imagining every horrible thing that I want my ex-bf to experience. Then the ride turns into a series of softer hills, up and down; not too hard and by the time the hour is up; I relax. After work I do another ride, but this one is different. It's a 12 mile or so out in the countryside. There is wildlife, creeks, vineyards. It ends up at a coffee shop where I have a cup of tea. I read and sometimes take photos of things of interest. I glare at loving couples (remember, only day 12) and imagine their misery. Uh oh...getting angry again...after awhile I get back on my bike and go home. I do this 5 to 6 days a week. Tired, but it works.
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