A small update
Today is day 12 of an abrupt end to a 5 year relationship with Ex-AB. After a bit over a year of his being in AA and us being mostly apart we had been discussing reconciliation for the last 4 or 6 weeks, culminating in romance, love making (after a year) and good feelings. Then he was gone. With a few emails exchanges of how confused he was and how he didn't feel that way about me anymore. In 48 hours. Shock...omg...Really? And that, is that.
So I am on day 12. The last 12 days I have lived on this site and that is what got me through. Along with my friends, angry biking, photography, and lots and lots of crying.
Every once in awhile in the last 5 days I have been having these, what my daughter calls, "dolphin moments". She said, it's when the dolphin jumps out of the water and has a clear look at what is outside their reality, if just for a moment. And then, they dive back in. During one of these dolphin moments, I realized something. Mind you, I am an Atheist, not really spiritual. But it feels as though the Universe took the matters into it's own hands and removed this man. I mean, really; I can't be with him. His life is chaos. Bill collectors, compulsive chain smoking, poor health. He abruptly stopped taking his antidepressant without telling a doctor or his therapist. Never quite making the rent. Attached wages from the IRS. Etc etc etc. He received a unexpected amount of money two months ago. It would have been a buffer against poverty or he could have paid a friend back he owes money to and instead of using it for rent/medicine/food, he purchased a brand new hot shot SLR camera and a new laptop. Omg, I need to wake up!
I feel like I am waking up...just a little. I still wake up crying, I still feel like I will be alone and sad forever...but I have these moments. And that is something.
Love/hugs
Carrie