SparkleKitty

Hey everyone -- this is actually my very first thread, after having been on SR for eleven months! I'm rarely stumped by how to handle the day-to-day aftermath of growing up an Adult Child of an Alcoholic but this morning I received a message from sister that has us spinning and I thought I should throw it out there for feedback before I made any irreversible moves...

Several months ago my husband and I made plans to visit my sister and her family for a weekend over the summer. Since we were performing this summer and weren't sure whether or show would extend its run (it did not, as it happened) our choice of weekends was pretty limited. But we chose and bought our tickets and my husband even submitted the weekend as a conflict for rehearsals for the next show he is working on.

About a week later I got an email from my aunt who said she had been planning a birthday party for my mother and she realized she had been sending all the questions and info to an incorrect email address -- one she has used periodically in the six years since I dismantled that address, and one that I have repeatedly asked her to delete from her contacts. Anyway, the party had been scheduled and she hoped we could make it. It was the weekend before we were already booked to visit my sister. My mother's birthday was in February. They were planning the party for August.

I wrote back immediately and said we were not going to make it. I told her about the possible extension and that we already had travel plans for the following week.

Recently I wished this same aunt a happy birthday on Facebook and she replied asking me if they would see me in August for the party. I said no.

Now my mother has heard that all of her kids are getting together the weekend after the party and she told this aunt she was upset that she wasn't invited, that I'm not coming to her party, and that the aunt should just cancel the party.

Mom is, as far as I know, sober several years. We have no relationship. Trying to talk to her is like talking to a wall. So I have simply stopped trying. I am angry that she is whipping my aunt, my sister and everyone into a frenzy over these slights (and I absolutely AM sorry she was hurt by the news, but not so much that I am going to change plans over it), but I also -- I don't know -- I let go of trying to make her feel better a long time ago, and that works for me. My feeling is that if she wants a real relationship with her kids then the ball is in her court and it has been for a long time.

I am rambling. Any thoughts?

AnvilheadII

your mom sounds like a spoiled brat! skipping OVER the fact that the family IS planning a party FOR her, and going right to the next weekend's events to which she is NOT invited. and now she says well just cancel the whole thing.

you are an adult with a full active life. you responded to when you are available, as if it fits in YOUR schedule. how OTHERS choose to react is their problem!!!

DreamsofSerenity

I can see why it's bothering you, but it's really not your problem. You've made your plans in a responsible way and aren't doing anything wrong.

I agree with Anvil that your mom is being a brat. She's being really rude to your aunt. Probably trying to get to you by tantruming to her.

This is exactly the kind of thing that would happen in my family so I know how exhausting it is. I would just try to stay out of it as much as possible. And if the party does get cancelled, it is your mom's fault entirely, not yours.

SparkleKitty

Thanks, folks. You think you are doing so well, staying on your side of the street, and then all of a sudden, BAM! you want to rush in and take care of everyone (and in this case, that's my aunt and my sister, NOT my mom!). I have to keep reminding myself that everyone here is an adult, and not default to that guilty state of mind where everything is my fault. I keep thinking I am there -- arrogance, hunh?

Thanks again!

wiscsober

You are doing well....

and focused on your recovery.

Tuffgirl

I'm with Anvil too. But I understand how you feel. My Mom shakes up the family when she is manic and it does cause momentary havoc and chaos, even though we all know better! I think its natural to revert back to old patterns before we say "oh yeah, I know better now!" and refuse to buy into the passive-aggressive manipulations.

You can vacation with whomever you want, whenever you want, with or without your Mom included.

lillamy

This.