cr995

I got up and found a big package in the post - the actual divorce papers which I have signed - I really don't think there is any other sane choice.

AH has not spoken to me in 2 and a half years except to send threatening emails. Is this how couples normally arrive at a decision to divorce?

I initially thought he was just posturing as the question of divorce came so early - 2 months after I told him me or drink. But now I feel it really doesn't matter, I feel I am stuck - though people around me in Al-anon see a change and feel I have grown - I just feel I have been hurting forever and want it to stop.

Now I just feel like screaming at him - divorce? really ? it's not going to solve your problem - your problem is alcohol not ME!

But I have learnt enough not to get involved with him . I have 5 unread emails from him in my inbox - I don't know what they say and I have worked out that not opening them is key to my continuing ability to live stress free.

I don't open mails from his relatives or any mutual friends - this way I feel safe and cannot be given any hurtful information.

So this is my question what can I expect now for those who have been here. For me? for him?
Thanks for being here everyone.

Santa

I'm on about the same timeline as you. Legal separation from AH 2 1/2 years ago and divorced during that time. We had to go to court together for the legal separation but my attorney set it up so I went to the final divorce hearing without him, which was a relief.

For me - peace and serenity. The days are mine. I live each day with appreciation and without a sense of dread. Unfortunately I do have to maintain a certain amount of email contact with my ex because we have two children who are under 21. These contacts are stressful due to his drinking and anger and I try to keep them to an absolute minimum. I ignore any messages that are not about the children or that are clearly drunken rantings, even if they are about the kids.

For him - let's see, at first he was happy as a clam. Able to drink without anyone nagging him. His drinking quickly escalated. Able to date - he got on match dot com and soon had a heavy drinking GF in tow. Not only was I *not* jealous, as I knew what she was in for, I felt sorry for her and especially her young son. They moved in with him in a supposedly committed relationship, and surprise surprise, within a few months she and her son had moved back out.

He has moved on to third stage alcoholism where he drinks constantly (can barely get out of bed until he has a drink to stop the shakes), has been fired from two jobs and is probably going to lose his house if he can't manage to sell it first. He sends me emails saying I'm a miserable witch and he's not paying for our daughter's college anymore and how do I like that. Oh and yet he wants to get back together. He sends me other emails asking me to dinner, trips, and movies. Ha ha ha ha ha. Delete.

So not sure what you can expect but that's what I got. I have no love for him anymore but am trying to keep compassion in my heart instead of anger (it's difficult). Good luck.

cr995

I just posted the envelope with my signature on it. At the momwnt of posting I felt nothing. Now I have a pain in my heart - s slight ache.

I am mostly upset that he is living int the house we dreamt of and built together with his gf. I am angry that he is saying I am a psychopath who ruined his life and everybody around him believes that and treats me accordingly. I am just gobsmacked that he is able to just wipe me out of his life.

Part of me is starting to accept that I had this empty void in myself even before I met him and was scared of going out into the world on my own at 18. I had this perfect picute in my head of how things would be - they were really never like that and now I feel I cannot ever have that which is depressing.

Yes, I probably have forgotten how awful life was living with him, it was mostly just the bit of being constantly ignored - I felt then like I was NOTHING.

Then I leave hoping for some attention and I feel that the fear of upsetting him was that he would treat me worse which is what is happening.

Learning to just live a day at a time is HARD i find. I know it can be done I don't feel will perish anymore but I see it as a long road of hardship and boredom - maybe that's the depression talking.

I used to pray he would want to get back with me, now I know that is not even the answer and I have to make myself whole and happy - I just don't know how. So for now all I can do is exist.

I know it's wrong but I dont wish anything good towards him quite the opposite - in fact I wish him bad which I know is not only immature but mean.

LexieCat

I would SUGGEST seeing a lawyer before signing ANYTHING. Probably no harm done at this point, but there may be issues of property or debt that you would benefit by having someone look over. You don't want to get stuck with bills he might have run up that you don't know about.

I would also suggest deleting any emails from him rather than having them sit there unopened. Do you have a way to block his emails?

Don't waste your time and energy feeling bad about the fact that he is filing. Some of the members here have had a terrible time extricating themselves legally from their marriages. One other thing--he might actually be posturing and then drag his feet in terms of getting anything finalized. I would push for it to go through. The sooner you wrap up this chapter the sooner you can go on to an awesome new life for yourself.

Hugs, hang in there. It's--and you're--gonna be OK.

Hammer

Lexie, you is alright.

Back to cr995 -- jmho. You are doing an awful lot of thinking and feeling.

Maybe give your brain and heart a bit of a break and DO something for a bit.

A movie. Rollerskating. Bowling. Just something OTHER than all this, all the time.

Florence

Most email services have a way to automatically route emails from certain addresses into another folder, so you can ignore them until you need them (which you may, if he's still drunk and ranty).

In my experience through the divorce/custody process, document everything. Just have written, dated records of any agreements, conversations, or breaches of regular boundaries, and file them away for a later date.

cr995

The property we own is in a different country from where the divorce is being filed. The property belongs to a company of which we are both directors with a 50-50 share.

I have consulted and dismissed legal advice in the past as it was made very clear that there is no help that can be afforded to me in getting anything from the property.

We both need to agree to the property being sold. He can't sell it without my signature and I can't sell it without his signature. At the moment he is living there with his gf - maybe - I don't know.

I have agreed to selling but he did not co-operate with the agent. There is no point in communicating with him as he just does what he wants regardless . He has also been using the divorce to bargain - ie sign the divorce papers and I will agree to this etc.

I am not able to hire a lawyer abroad as I cannot afford one but I have got legal advice from our company lawyer which told me what I know - we both need to agree to sell the property.

I have no power to do anything about how he is behaving - I tried to agree the sale of the house contents and my car - he derailed that and as he is an active A I soon realized I could go mad trying to get any money out of him.
So I have handed it over to my HP.

lillamy

And he's living in your old house with his new girlfriend.

I think those are all very good reason to divorce and move on. I think it was LaTeeDa who said that confusion is mainly the result of magical thinking -- and reality is pretty straightforward. You can feel hurt, sad, betrayed, grieving, anger -- but the reality is, he has moved on and is not coming back.

cr995

Lol! Harsh ...but honest.

AnvilheadII

actually it isn't REALITY that is harsh, it is our RESISTANCE to reality. as stated, he's been gone over 2 years now. divorce is a natural conclusion to such things.

from the outset, he was never your SOLUTION for a happy fulfilled life. you hold that key. if you believe that from here on out it's "hardship and boredom" than that is EXACTLY what you will find your life to be.

as i said in another post about "happy" - tap your chest, tap your temple. THAT is where happy lives. in our hearts and in our minds. what we believe, we manifest. the world around is neutral...WE give it labels, color and dimension.

lillamy

Sorry -- didn't mean to be harsh. But you know, sometimes when we're sitting in the middle of it, we don't see it. I sat in the middle of an abusive marriage to an alcoholic and I couldn't understand why the only thing I was looking forward to at age 40 was my husband (who was 15 years older) hopefully dying long before me so I could do what I wanted to with my life. The thought that I had the right to do that regardless of what he wanted, that thought had a really hard time occurring to me.

I needed people from the outside to point out the bleeding obvious to me -- that when I had to turn down a promotion because it involved travel and I did not feel safe leaving my children with their father while I left town, I was in a horrid ****** marriage.

Looking at it now, I don't know how I could not see it. But there it is.

And Anvil is right. What the rest of your life is like -- that is up to you. You have it in you to make it beautiful.

cr995

Amen to that!