OnawaMiniya

I just had a thought pop into my head after being met yet again with silence and not so much as even a look in my direction (essentially being ignored, though when I say that he always says,"I'm listening!" Mmm hmm. Riiiiiiiiight.) when I try to say something about, you know, just life's difficulties, things that are happening in our lives that are being dealt with. You know, like a normal couple might have a chat about things, offer support, etc.

My thought was this:

My AH certainly doesn't have a problem detaching, does he? WHY SHOULD I?

It was his reactions to me talking about actual important things plus some of my reaction to him tonight where I did not offer the usual things (for example, he said he hopes I sleep well when he went to bed, which actually surprised me since I don't get too many genuine well wishes from him. I just said "thanks" rather than "thanks, you too" because I thought, when I ask you how your day was you answer without asking back. When I ask how you are doing you answer without asking back. Etc. Just a lack of common courtesy, because he doesn't care how my day was or how I'm doing. It's all about him).

I found that thought so mind opening and empowering I wanted to share it for those of us who have trouble detaching. I know for me I'm getting better because 1.) I'm learning more; 2.) I'm practicing and getting better at it; and 3.) Sadly, it's also getting easier because I don't care as much anymore, I've had enough of being hurt and then being the one to approach him to smooth it over because I HATE living in tension (a band aid not a solution I know. The band aid keeps ripping my skin off though and I'm inclined to just let the wound air out and dry up).

So next time remember:

THEY DON'T SEEM TO HAVE A PROBLEM DETACHING. WHY SHOULD YOU?

fedupbeyondall

What a really great point. I asked Mr. W how his day was today and got the usual one word answer. I decided to push a bit and awed why he only answers with one word and never, ever asks about my day. His answer "well I don't ask because I know you will tell me dcause you never stop talking and I don't really care to talk about my day, it dresses me out more." Well, basically he doest give a damn and just wishes I would shut up. Well, I'm sure there is someone out there who wants to hear what I have to say and actually engage in a full on conversation. Imagine the novelty.

OnawaMiniya

What? A real conversation? Now you're just being greedy. Maybe you should go to the couch and think about it like me

Yeah...one of his favorite drunken lines is,"no. You need to shut the eff up and listen."

Also get told that I never shut up frequently.

Funniest is when he literally repeats these things over and over like a broken record while I say nothing. Who is it that never shuts up and needs to shut the eff up exactly?

Well, I want to hear what you have to say, and care about how your day was. We never have real conversation, either. Though I'm sure he'd disagree.

Sueski

Onawa, what a great point. So often, the simpler the concept the easier it is for me to remember it in the heat of the moment. Thank you.

fedupbeyondall

High expectations are a b**ch aint they? Here's a plan. Your AHand my AH can hang out for a week and we head to Vegas.

OnawaMiniya

Oh man. Can you picture it? Two drunk winners telling each other to shut the eff up. Oooh, better still - maybe they will beat the crap out of each other!

OnawaMiniya

What are you doing up?

funkynassau

Thanks for your post. I have had to detach from a friend who is an alcoholic and it is bugging me that I had to do it, but my first loyalty is to me, not him. The fact he's a friend rather than a spouse or family member makes it easier for me than what I read from others here who have closer relationships.

It is indeed ALL ABOUT HIM! I realized that a long time ago; when we'd talk he would talk non stop about things on his mind and never ask how I was, what's new, etc., like friends generally do. Phone calls were monopolized by him, all I did was listen. That gets old, I want someone to ask how I am, is life treating me well, and he just cant do that.

Now he's mad as hell at me because I had to detach. Knowing him I emailed trying to explain the WHY of how I feel knowing he'd gloss over it, but it's there for him to read should he ever want to. Maybe in a lucid moment he'll sort of understand? I dont know. I just know I could not keep doing what I was doing, it's too stressful and wore me down.

Good luck to you,
Funkynassau

funkynassau

Fedupbeyondall, I am sorry your husband talks to you like that when he does talk...wow.

BoxinRotz

The last time AH told me to shut up, it went like this:

YOU STFU! YOU OUGHTA BE GRATEFUL I DON'T PUT YOU THROUGH HELL!

And not even 4 hours later, he totaled the motorcycle n tore half his head off n ruined us financially.

fedupbeyondall

Boxin, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I truly hope some good comes of this. I'm sure it's beyond impossible to see what good could possibly result, but I hope it's there at some point for you and your family.

fedupbeyondall

Ona,

If the way my AH interacts with his other A friends, a fight would break out in a matter of seconds. Hmmm, might be worth just hanging back and watching that, cheaper than Vegas and probably much more entertaining. Two drunks who just know they're right duking it out....worth the price of admission.