Confused

Old 07-09-2013, 07:41 PM
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Confused

My husband of 13 years is and has been a alcoholic for awhile of which 3 years I know of and many more I didn't. The past year has been the worst. A bottle of whiskey a day and a ton of beer.. At work starting at 9 or who know maybe earlier. And ending when we go to bed at 11ish. We have three kids.. His family is worthless.. They are terrible people .. If they were wolves then I could say he was raised by wolves. My mother died of unknown causes 4 years ago which collapsed my family and now all I have is my husband and kids. I feel alone and trapped most days. He can be so wonderful and caring and loving, but with a flip of a switch the aggressive horribleness comes out. Besides the alcoholism he is also bipolar ( not medicated!) I wish but he won't. He isn't suicidal. Just gets manicy and aggressive . Hard to tell if he is having a episode or drunk. Either way it sucks. I feel like he is my world some days and others I want to run. My youngest is 2 and has type one diabetes and that and my mothers death has eaten every bit of me away. He is finishing me off. I don't know what to do .. We are so broke and I couldn't leave him if I wanted to (and I don't.. At least I don't think I do) I can't work because of my baby needing constant care.. I have no qualifications anyway , I haven't had any job history as I stopped working when we got pregnant with our first when I was 19.
I don't know what to do ..
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:05 PM
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You are right.

THAT is a rough spot. The "dual diagnosis" (fancy name for both Alkie/Addict + Meuntal Illness) is not uncommon in long-termers. AA could likely help him, but only if he would go and work the program.

So for now, you have to take care of you (and three kids). Do you have any Alanon around you?
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:11 PM
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He actually went to his first aa meeting tonight. But that was right after e told me how he has been lieing to me AGAIN about not drinking during the day. I knew he was but it sucks being lied to .. I get more angry and hurt and I of course get zero validation from him that I am hurt. I don't know about anything alnon..
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:12 PM
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Hi, Ari, and welcome! Wow, you do have a lot on your plate. First thing, though, it sounds as if you aren't safe living in the house with him. Whether there is physical abuse or not, "aggressive horribleness" sounds very frightening. I know quite a bit about domestic violence--I deal with it professionally. I really hope you will contact the DV hotline and talk to a counselor about your safety. You have kids, too, and this home situation is horribly scary and confusing for them, I'm sure.

You don't have to decide whether to leave him or not right this second (unless there is physical abuse, in which case you should seriously consider it), but alcoholism and abuse both tend to get worse, not better, unless it is successfully treated. And any treatment will only work if he really WANTS to quit drinking and stop being abusive.

It is possible that you would qualify for an order of protection/restraining order. If so, HE would have to leave for now, and you and the kids could stay put. Plus the order could require him to support you.

You also might benefit a whole lot from Al-Anon--it was a lifeline for me when I was living with an alcoholic. Please stick around and keep reading and posting here, too. This is a great place for support.

Hugs, glad you're here.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:18 PM
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Don't sweat the lies too much.

A lot of "them" start that way. Mrs. Hammer was stuck on that for the first 100 days back from rehab. Still doing it some, but mostly we all ignore, so dunno, now.

Starting AA is a HUGE thing for him/them. Good for you all on that part.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:22 PM
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if there is AA, there is likely at least some Alanon in the area.

There is likely a Central Office in your area that could help you look, or a websearch may help find a meeting list, or if you want to PM/DM me, or Lexie, or someone you feel you can trust from the folks here, we will help you find them.
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Old 07-09-2013, 10:00 PM
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If you are interested but have no one to watch your children I'm sure you could find al anon meetings online.

Welcome to the forum, please continue posting here. You will find a great deal of support and positivity.

I'm sorry you are in such a rough spot. Sending you lots of positivity.

Again, please continue posting here. It is quite helpful and everyone is great.
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Old 07-10-2013, 05:02 AM
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I have zero babysitting. We are broke and could not afford the kinda of care I need for my baby. I wouldn't even feel comfortable leaving when he is sleeping.
My husband is not violent to me .. Never ever put his hands on me. But he can get mean without a doubt. His face can go very cold an say things that don't make sense and make you feel stupid or just attack you with his words very loud and mean. Obviously any kind of abuse is abuse .. But I know it's not him when this happens, 13 years of live with a bipolar Man U know the triggers or the onset of a episode . And the booze drives him in or further in a episode which he really doesn't see. It is so scary that he is drinking this hard at work and all I can think is what if he gets pulled over or loses his job.. We have already hit rock bottom .. I know it's not easy an he won't snap out of it overnight or possibly ever ..
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Old 07-10-2013, 06:19 AM
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I can only tell you that as trapped as you may FEEL, there is always a way out. It's very hard to see when you are overwhelmed.

Try not to worry too much about what will happen if he gets pulled over or loses his job. Those things could happen, but sometimes they are things that have to happen before anything changes.

And, I'm sorry to say it, but it IS him when he says and does those horrible things. It's him under the influence of alcohol, but it's still him. You have a right to feel safe, and as I said, this is a horrible situation for your kids. Ask anyone here who has grown up with an alcoholic parent--the scars are still with them. You owe it to them to give them a safe and secure childhood.
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