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New here! Looking for a listening ear or two..

Old 07-09-2013, 06:45 PM
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New here! Looking for a listening ear or two..

Hello everyone! My name is Kandi. I am 25, and I am the lone sober wolf in a family of addicts. I have dealt with this my entire life, and up until recently I felt like I handled the hard truths pretty well. However, recent events have proven otherwise.
A little history..
My father is the only outed addict of the family. Addicted to crack and marijuana, he has been to rehab 11 times. As a child, I remember going and visiting him in the different locations, thinking it was glamorous in a way. The facilities and homes always seemed gorgeous compared to the dive apartments we lived in. When he is sober, my dad is an amazing man and my best friend. It makes it so much harder when he relapses and disappears for months. He has been sober for two years, since my son was born, and has recently relapsed.
My mother is...complicated, as I am sure most mothers are. I recently came to grips that the ideal of who my mother was is fabricated, made up to comfort a child without a father. I think if I would of realized she was as messed up as my dad, I never would of made it out with my sanity. Looking back, I realize it isn't okay for a loving mother to drag her child out of bed at 2 in the morning to do drive by's at the local dealers, looking for daddy. Nor is it okay to designate said child to be watch guard, to make sure dad doesn't relapse, to make sure not to leave his side and listen to his phone calls.. I wonder where my guilt came from. My mother worked two jobs to support our family, and has an amazing heart. This makes it hard for me to come to terms that she is addicted to Adderall, pills, and other uppers. I ignored this because she just worked so damn hard. Who wouldn't need the pick-me-up, right?
Go figure, but at 17 I had become the classic cliché. I moved in with a man who was fifteen years my senior, and an abusive alcoholic. 5 years later, I became pregnant, and left him, knowing my unborn baby deserved more. When my son was a few months old, my mom moved in with me to help watch him while I worked insane hours. Two years later, and I have finally had it with the insane Addy binges, the three days awake and two days asleep pattern, the twitches and ticks and hallucinations. She moved out two days ago, and I am left feeling guilt ridden and angry. She has helped me so much the past two years, but I cannot have addictions around my son. She has spent nearly as much time with him as I have, and I know she loves him, and yet she chose to leave than seek help for her addictions. I have such mixed emotions over everything that I want to crawl under a rock for a few weeks.
Apparently, I really needed to get this out, because this turned out a lot longer than intended.. Advice would be wonderful, but honestly it helps just to get it out to someone. Thank you for listening

~Kandi
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:57 PM
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I realized I posted this in the wrong forum, but I am unsure of how to delete it. :/ Sorry!
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:05 PM
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Welcome,

I understand your pain... I am an adult child of an alcoholic and extreme codie mom. The hardwiring of dysfunctional families of origin is hard to untangle but IT CAN BE DONE! You can find peace, joy, serenity and happiness but it is a journey and this is a great place to start...

I was a hot mess and also got entangled (more than once) with addictive men in my life but through this website, lots of reading, counseling and alanon I am pretty darn healthy and happy these days.

Again, welcome. Take your shoes off and get comfortable. Post as much you like... venting is good for the soul.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:09 PM
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Kandi, you are welcome in this forum. Friends and Families of Alcoholics is open to everyone, and you certainly have suffered more than your share of tribulations with alcoholism and drugs in your family. You can also post in the Friends and Families of Substance Abusers forum and in both, if you want.

You'll find support, and many of us who understand a great deal of what you are going through.

I am so sorry for what brings you to SoberRecovery, and hope you find it as welcoming and life saving as I did when I came a year ago.

What you are doing in taking care of yourself and your son is very impressive, especially given the history of addiction in your family. I hope you are very proud of yourself.

At the top of each forum, are permanent threads called "stickys" that you might find helpful.

Come back as often as you want; we'll be here for you.

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Old 07-09-2013, 07:29 PM
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Kandi,

I think you've done the right thing asking your mother to clean up or move out. You have an innocent child to raise. It wouldn't be responsible parenting to allow him to be exposed to this regularly.

Hang in there!
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:38 PM
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Thank you all for the welcome and replies! I know logically that it was the right step, unfortunately addicts love playing the guilt-trip game, and having been exposed to that repeatedly, it's begun to be hard-wired into my being. :/ Working hard on realizing that I am not responsible for anyone's destiny but my own, and that people get where they are by the choices and decisions THEY make. Now if only my heart can catch up with my brain.. :p
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:47 PM
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Welcome! Kandi, I know some of what you are going thru. I support you and the decision you made! the "guilt trip" is what im going thru right now by my AH. its not working this time. Stand your ground girl! You will get lots of support here, Im sure.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Kandi25 View Post
I realized I posted this in the wrong forum, but I am unsure of how to delete it. :/ Sorry!
NO worries You are welcome in this forum. Most of us hang out in more than one forum, real life doesn't fit in boxes as easily as we put names on forums. Feel free to post wherever you feel comfortable, you don't have to stick to just one forum.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
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Old 07-09-2013, 09:11 PM
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Kandi, you sound incredibly brave, wise and thoughtful, particularly for your years, and I mean that most positively. I wish I'd had that much self-reflection and self- caring tendencies at your age and much beyond. Do keep visiting and posting, this is a wonderful place rich with generous and supportive people. You have done right by yourself and your son and I hope you get the encouragement and support you need here, keep coming back.
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Old 07-10-2013, 10:47 AM
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Everyone here is so nice! I am not sure I have it that together, but I am working on it. :p My mom is so far in denial, that I think it will be a long time before she faces the truth. I am not sure what to do to help her, and I know that she has to help herself. I don't know what to do about her seeing Mason, and I really don't want to cut him out of her life, but also don't want him exposed to addictions. Feeling confused..
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Old 07-10-2013, 11:00 AM
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In my humble opinion I don't think there's much you can do to help her until she decides to help herself. Even then most of the work has to be done by her. Just being there and being supportive of anything positive she does is helpful.

As far as your son goes, I wouldn't bring him around her unless she's sober, and maybe that will motivate her to get some help too. Kids are so smart, they figure this stuff out whether we know it or not. Exposing him to her addictive mania could be likened to what your mother did to you as a child.

Tough stuff for you, hang in there!
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Old 07-10-2013, 11:05 AM
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Thanks Lauren! This is the problem with my mom, she claims the Adderall is for her "ADD" but she takes an obnoxious amount of it at a time, coupled with mini-thins and other uppers, and she runs around like the energizer bunny. When she takes it as prescribed, it is hard to notice. How do I manage that? I can tell her that I don't want her on it if she comes to see him, but honestly unless she takes too many I am not going to notice..
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