Sueski

He was drunk, not terribly so. Then I went out to get dinner and came back to find he crossed over into the bad place. He made a crude comment about a friend and I didn't go along with it, so he got pissy.

Some bs followed, he went "to sleep," and I dozed off. Woke to still more bs, and I finally had had it. I grabbed my bag and the cat, and left. I'm at my sisters. So far, I've been accused of going to my lovers (don't have one) and told he was done. I said that I don't want to live with an alcoholic anymore. Then he got nasty. Threatened my sister and her bf, and by extension me, ordered me to come home, called me names and told me he'd done nothing wrong, the list got long.

I think I may really have had it. He's a good man when sober, but I see less and less of that man, and he disappears at the drop of a hat anyway. I want my husband, but I don't know if he's coming back. I am exhausted, and I have to work tomorrow. I'm in my pjs. I want to go home, but he's there, and I honestly am not sure it's safe. I hate that I brought this into my sisters home, and I know she will NEVER forgive him. That is on him, and I can't worry about it. I know what I would tell somebody else, but it just doesn't seem so clear cut at the moment.

I know it will be rough for a while if I choose to end it, but I can see that maybe there is a light at the end of that route. I can't see it getting better if I go back, and per my post the other night, i am so afraid it will get worse. It is technically my house, so that would be a hassle. We've been married long enough that our state considers it joint property, but I'm the one on the mortgage.

And my cat is so freaked out right now. I am so grateful I don't have kids.

Brokentapestry

I'm sending you hugs and prayers for safety.

EnglishGarden

Sueski,

I'm glad you and the cat are at your sister's. This is the reality of life with an alcoholic who is emotionally abusive (and certainly life with one who is physically abusive, though your AH I assume has not crossed that line). You must face reality: this experience will happen again and again and again.

When I was married to an A for only two years, my little boy and I had to leave the house and stay overnight with someone else many times. My husband became so threatening, that it was impossible to stay, and it was dangerous. We cannot know or predict what an alcoholic will do under the influence, and once the damage is done, it cannot be undone.

We stayed overnight with one of my colleagues. Overnight with an old college friend. Overnight in a motel (a string of nights there). Overnight in a lodge in the forest. Getting away and away and away and away from his emotional violence. Every time--every time--he was contrite the next day, made promises he could not keep about his drinking (they have LOST CONTROL and they cannot stop themselves getting drunk), and again and again--because I was young and knew nothing of alcoholism--I went back because I believed he would do what he said he would do.

But all along he resented me. He resented that anyone would try to come between him and the bottle. When an alcoholic resents someone, his brain finds reasons to justify it. So the blame, the criticism, the verbal hits to the jugular come eventually. Not on making-up day. No, he is very humble and dear on that day. But the crap is just around the corner. When it flies, it will be mean and it can gut you emotionally and a child, well, a child never forgets what was said to him by a mean alcoholic. Even your cat knows your partner is unsafe. My dogs knew it.

If you go back, what happened tonight will happen again.

Sueski

Thank you. I am so scared right now. I find myself glad that our dog died and doesn't have to deal with this. I can't believe that i can feel that. Each option is scary in its own way.

What you describe, resentment, is exactly what I heard. He didn't get nasty until I told him I didn't want to live with an active alcoholic anymore. Then the gloves came off.

My stepson, wonderful person, is dealing with what you describe, as well. His father is unbelievably cruel to him, and seriously believes that he is offering fatherly guidance. The pain in SS's voice when we talk about this tears me up. He was 19 when the relapse happened, and was out of the house. He gets it, has a terrific mom who also gets it. (In fact, I'm probably going to call her tomorrow) and still, the names and insults cut him deeper than a knife. None of us deserve this, including AH.

He hasn't been physically violent, but was most definitely intimidating tonight. Deliberately so. I don't want to end this, but I'm not really seeing any options that are feasible.

lillamy

Big hugs to you, Sue. I remember the night I left and how I felt like the ground was wobbly under my feet.

You will find your footing. Breathe.

EnglishGarden

Get a counselor if you can afford one. Some spouses separate, give things several months, then make a decision. I've seen people in Al-Anon meetings who are separated, working on themselves, getting a secure foundation under them, and allowing time for the A to be solo and without his primary enabler, hoping he will find a bottom and get sober.

Marriage counseling will not be successful with a person in active addiction because the addict brain is unconsciously trying to protect the freedom to drink, the compulsion to drink. So the alcoholic spouse usually sabotages marital counseling. He wants control. Control of the environment and his partner. But separation while you wait and see often gives you some necessary emotional and physical security, allows you to rely on your support system rather than orbiting the alcoholic continuously, allows you to feel you gave it a chance should divorce be the final outcome.

I'm sorry you lost your dog, for you could use a dog by your side right now. But dogs are emotionally sensitive and are very upset by alcoholics, and I know what you mean when you feel relief that your dog has been spared this volatile roller coaster. Home should not be a place one has to flee. It is quite sad when children and pets have to live with people who are out of control.

Tomorrow I would look into finding a counselor and a regular Al-anon meeting. Your AH will want you to come home. If you decide to do that, always have a bag packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. And a key to your sister's place.

Sueski

My counselor is leaving his practice, actually, but has referred me to another. I'll see her next week. I'm torn about going back in the morning. I do need to get some things, like clothes for work (!), but I don't think I want to see him. I haven't slept a wink.

I am tired of the accusations about a boyfriend. Yes, I had a crush on someone I know. I had coffee with him, nothing more. And it was chit-chat, not emotional stuff. AH, on the other hand, had a full-on affair and emotional entanglement that lasted months. I worry that a separation will just fuel that fire. It could work, but I'm not at all sure. I had presence of mind enough when he started up to put meds and the safe deposit box keys in my bag. Three guesses why I take antidepressants! I keep the checkbook and have a credit card and a good job. It is all doable, if not easy.

Thank you again. I'm not in a good place, and calm wisdom means a great deal.

honeypig

I'm going to quote Dandylion from several days ago in another post: "Sometimes you don't know what strength you have until there is no other choice." I think that's you now.

Nothing more to offer than my deepest wishes for strength, wisdom, clarity and maybe a little peace at some point...

(((((hugs)))))

laurie6781

Please know that 'verbal' abuse is ABUSE and Domestic Violence Centers know this, as at some point and no one can say when it will turn into 'physical' abuse.

Please Call your local Domestic Violence Center as they have loads and loads of help available, including but not limited to helping you to find 'temporary' housing until you can get him out of YOUR house. Counseling. Legal help and counsel, etc

Now as to him leaving the house and y'all separating. That is all it has to be for now. It does not mean you have to use the 'D' word YET.

If he can find recovery and work on himself and find his real self, and if you also can work on your own recovery, there is no 'tablet in the desert' somewhere that says y'all cannot get back together, just as there is no 'tablet in the desert' that says you can. Maybe it is suppose to be and maybe it isn't. But either way, by then with your work on yourself, you would be a more 'self assured', 'confident' woman able to survive with or without a man on your arm!

You know we are here for you. We are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

LexieCat

Lots of good advice here. You deserve not to have your nights ruined, having to go to work sleep-deprived and without your belongings, because of a drunk's rages. It is a miserable way to live, even if he never lays a hand on you.

I think a separation for now, until you can figure out your next step, would give you some breathing room and a chance to clear your head.

Hugs, sorry about your miserable night, but glad you have someplace safe to go.

Sueski

He texted me this morning when I was driving home to tell me not to come home or he would kill me. I hadn't told him I was coming. Thank God it came before I got there. I went to Walmart and bought some cheap clothes, and sponge-bathed at work. Delightful. You're darn tootin' that this is no way to live.

There were some other choice words, too. I called the DV hotline and am going to call back during business hours for some advice. The cat is still at my sister's. I'm going to try to do some work this morning, and probably going to leave to go to the bank and withdraw some money, then to the PO to see if I can get my mail temporarily forwarded or get a PO box. Then to the police station to see if they will accompany me to the house so I can get some things. He should be at work.

This is insane. I am more grateful than I can say for the understanding and advice found here.

transformyself

What a monster. I'm so sorry he's attacking you like this. The upside, of course, is that now you have texts from him saying he will kill you and should be able to get a restraining order.

I would hire an attorney asap, legal advice always makes me feel better.

Stay safe Sister. It looks like you're about to be set free, despite the stress.

CentralOhioDad

((((HUGS)))) - take care of yourself. We're with you.

COD

ShootingStar1

Save the text and report it to the police. You can e-mail it to your computer, or use another phone to take a picture of it. This is a real escalation in his abuse, and it needs to be taken seriously.

Call a domestic abuse attorney today.

The first lens to look through right now when you think about his behavior and what you need to do next is: "What will keep me the safest?"

On another thread, I gave the link to MOSAIC which is a domestic violence test that measures the potential for violence based on past behavior. Studies have proven it very accurate. Police departments all over the country use it, including the police for the Supreme Court and Congress. You can google it by "mosaic threat assessment test". It is worth a look, and will give you another perspective on how seriously to take you husband's behaviors and threats.

Sometimes someone else's threatening behavior goes beyond our own ability to predict or control the consequences. It is so easy to equivocate and say, well, he's just angry and I provoked him by leaving, or whatever. If he's threatening to kill you, it is time to let the experts take over.

BE SAFE, we're all here with you.

ShootingStar1

MrsDarcy

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's so unfair.

unsureoffuture

Hugs to you right now. You need it. It sounds like he is putting you through the ringer. I second making a police report immediately. It will also help you in the future if you do divorce him to have this incident on record. No one and I mean no one should threaten you or your family. That is Domestic Violence. Don't stand for it!! You deserve so much better. Unfortunately as others have said if it escalated this quickly this time its only going to worse and more frequent. No one deserves to live this way. Take care of yourself and your cat. You are what matters.

sunnshinegirl

Sueski, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Save the texts and please stay safe. I agree with everyone else about reporting this.

lillamy

Good morning!!! It's the first day of the rest of your life. Keep your head held high even if your knees are shaking. Your probably feeling unreal and wondering. If this is really your life or some strange movie or dream and that would be normal.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and DO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER TODAY. For your sake and for your sister's.

upandup

I would strongly second the restraining order and add taking the title of the house and/or copy of the mortgage with only your name on it and, if you want, have *him* move. *He* is the one threatening your life, in your house, he has no right to be there and no telling what he'll do to it. You don't even have to stay at the house if you don't feel safe, you can get another dog for protection, get a taser, there are options. Also, can you show the text to or at least alert your neighbors?

MamaKit

((((Sueski))))
This is a terrible thing to be going through. I'm so sorry and sending you all of my support.
Please listen to the wise advice you are getting here. This is escalating and your safety is paramount.
I was in an eerily similar situation almost one year ago. I remember a feeling of suspended animation almost, disbelief, and fear. I'm imagining you are feeling similar things. You've received some good tips here and it sounds like you are taking charge with regard to money and other important things.

A particular thing struck me in an earlier post where you felt regret about bringing this into your sister's home/world. It is kind of you to worry for her and understandable...but don't avoid asking for help because of an imposition on someone else when you safety is at stake. Call for help, knock on someone's door if you need to. I understand and very much relate to that hesitation to involve others...but I'm sure you would be there for them if it were turned around. Your safety is the most important thing at this moment.

Lots of hugs,
MamaKit