LexieCat

Threats to kill should be taken seriously. Please do contact the DV hotline or local shelter or advocacy program and do some safety planning. I strongly suggest reporting the threat and getting a restraining order, which will require HIM to leave, not you. In my experience and observation, after working many years in the DV field, abusers tend to repeat their conduct more readily if they gradually escalate the abuse. By the time a victim is at the point where she feels she has no choice but to call the police the pattern is already well-established and the abuser feels firmly entitled to continue to behave as he has been. Sometimes, making an immediate report and following through with legal consequences will deter further escalation or repeated behavior. Obviously, that does not always work, but it may be more effective than waiting until it gets worse.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Please stay safe.

Hugs,

Recovering2

Worried for your safety. Please take the advice given here and report the text and threats to the police. Get a restraining order. There is no way of telling what will set the A off when they feels things are not in their control. Don't go back to that house unless you have police escort.
Praying for you.

Sueski

I am in a shelter now. Cat is still with my sister, but going to my mom (no other animals there) tomorrow. The police won't do a 'civic standby' unless both parties agree and are present. I'm not ready for that. Haven't filed a restraining order yet. The text may or may not actually be enough! The DV staff will walk me thru next steps. I got a PO box/address change, got some cash. More steps to be taken tomorrow, I guess. I told my boss the basics and she was very supportive. Friends are lining up with offers of help. This is so hard and scary, but I am blessed in many ways.

I am so sad, though. I guess it is better to miss my husband because he's elsewhere than because he's right next to me but completely absent.

I find it interesting that I want my stuff, but I am basically okay if I can't get it. I am almost thinking of it like a house fire. Going to the thrift store tomorrow. House title is in the safe deposit box, and I have the key. It's really hard to type on this phone - I apologize if this is barely legible. Thank you all so much.

Sueski

Lexie, I'm actually worried that an RO might fan the flames. He's left me alone for what,about 15 hours now? I hate this, but I can live with it. It will get bad when he is served with divorce papers, I'm certain. I hate that this has to happen, but I think it must.

LexieCat

No, don't apologize. So glad you are in a safe place. It actually can be quite empowering to be taking concrete steps to protect yourself and your interests. If you do apply for the restraining order, the court will most probably order a police escort for whichever one of you is moving out (hopefully--and most probably--that will be him).

If you apply for a restraining order, be sure to put the threat in its proper context: increasingly erratic behavior, heavy alcoholic drinking, verbal abuse, rage. Remember, some people say, "I'm gonna kill you" almost as a figure of speech. You need to explain WHY the threat is one that makes you afraid for your safety. The advocates will go over with you any concerns you may have about testifying.

I'm proud of you for your strength and your clear-headedness under stress. It may catch up with you later, and if it does, don't let it freak you out. It's gonna be OK.

LexieCat

I get that, and I'm not discounting your concern. BUT if you do nothing this episode is likely to be repeated anyway. And he will believe you won't do anything to stop it.

If he is served with the order, yes, he will probably be angry. But if he so much as texts you an apology he is at risk of getting locked up.

You are the one who has to live with the outcome, so I can't tell you what to do. I can't guarantee your safety if you get an order, but I do think that if you do nothing, nothing will change.

MamaKit

Sueski,
I'm not sure what the law says in your state...but I didn't have a text or any proof when my husband threatened to kill me.....he actually said he would make our children parentless.
All I had was my story....and I told it as Lexie has advised you to....putting it in context and detailing what led up to the threat. It is not my intention to tell you what to do...I just thought it might help to hear how it went for me because what is happening to you now is very similar to how things went for me last year.
I get how you are worried it may escalate things. I had that same fear...but I will say that I was comforted by thought that he could be arrested for so much as saying hello to me. It also provided me with time without any interaction with him...which did wonders to clarify my thinking.
You are being very strong, smart and brave. You've been traumatized. I'm so glad you are taking steps for your safety.
I'm right there with you
Hugs and strength
MamaKit

Sueski

Interesting that you mention clarity. The longer there is no word from him, the lighter and more hopeful I feel. Weird that a broken heart can also feel lighter. Maybe it's been broken for longer than I've realized. I do have that disconnected feeling, though. I'm pretty tired. And I wish I had earplugs, because people are noisy here!

Several people told me today to stop thinking about things like the mail, but how else am I supposed to finally take control other than by actually doing it? Yes, obviously safety is first priority, but there are details to take care of.

I texted a bit with my stepson's mom, who is a great lady. She might have some good thoughts about the restraining order. She knows him well. She was very supportive, agreed completely with my decision. I told the DV lady EVERYTHING that happened, and she thought it could go either way getting an order.

wicked

It could be a little bit of shock and exhaustion too.
But, I must say you are handling this like a champ!
Keep yourself uppermost in your mind.
Check yourself every once in a while and do a run down.
Have you seen a doctor lately?

It says a lot about you and the step son mother that you get along and she wants to help you. Thank you HP for the sensible and kind people in this world.

I will be thinking of you sueski.
Try to rest, and yes, ear plugs are fantastic!
Everything gets down to a quiet muffle that is soothing (to me).

Beth

LexieCat

That's what she should be telling you--there is no guarantee you will get an order. What I mean about context is that you also have to explain it to the judge. Just telling the advocate won't be enough. She's there to help you but she can't testify FOR you.

Sueski

Okay, I see what you're saying about context, and that makes sense.

I haven't had a checkup in a while, and had already scheduled one for next week. HP again, I think. I don't really feel like a champ, but I'll take it, thanks! You know, I went to start a list of things I need - earplugs, tissues, etc., and realized that I don't have a notepad! Silly.
On a happy note, my sis reports that the cat has come out and been more sociable. This isgood, and I will sleep better knowing that. On the other hand, I find myself worried about AH. It is not at all like him to be this silent when he's angry. BUT, I am not giving in to temptation and calling him.

wiscsober

Sueski So much you have written strikes home for me...as a double winner in Alanon/AA I can relate to in my past marriages...but also in my drunkeness...

I denied I was abusive...or not as bad as other men...but really there were points I could have done some irrepreprable harm...

even in early recovery I can still see that I was agressive, broke boundaries, and still verbaly(?) abusive.

I guess just remember to keep the focus on your recovery, your boundaries, your safety and well-being


I am leaning towards more Alanon meetings lately...and we have a small group...but what you are going through now I know several other members are too...

I can't add any more advice...it's just the threats and abuse towards you that scares me...I think you are doing very well in working a solution for you

I will keep you in my thoughts

lillamy

Just my five cents: This would worry me -- not about him but about my own safety.
If he's never threatened to kill you before, and never been silent when he's angry before, it's an escalation of threatening behavior that should make you fear for your life (both of those phrases are good to use when requesting an RO.

There are different lines of thoughts on ROs. To me, they serve a good purpose; some say "they're only a piece of paper that doesn't protect you" and there's a good point in that. If he chooses to break the RO, it won't protect you like fifteen muscular Marines surrounding you. HOWEVER -- in most states, harassment is a misdemeanor while violating an RO is a felony. So most people with a modicum of sanity will respect an RO.

I know the feeling of "I'd like my stuff but..."
After I left AXH, it took me several months to get anything other than the clothes I was wearing the night I left. I borrowed work clothes from my boss (thank God we were the same size!) and the kids' schools pulled a bunch of stuff together from lost & found for them.

Big hugs to you. Take ten minutes at a time right now. And if you have good friends who are willing to be on call, Al-Anon or not, take them up on it. I spent many nights talking to friends after I left when I couldn't sleep. Not just about the situation, but sometimes when you can't sleep at 2 am and wonder how HE (the #$@*& you're running from) is doing, it's great to chat with someone about Lindsey Lohan or the NSA spying on people or whatever else takes your mind off things.

Sueski

Great advice! A little mental junk food is healthy now and then. once I got to sleep, I slept well but you are right that those nights will come. one of my good friends asked if I wanted to go out. Maybe I will see if she's up for a movie or something later.

I think mission one this morning will be to figure out the coffee situation here!

He texted me overnight. Thank you, AH, for confirming that this is the right choice. I will definitely continue being careful when I'm out and about - I watch the traffic around me like a super-spy!! I don't really know the routines here yet so I need to ask. I hear movement, so at least one other person is up. The shelter manager said that she/advocates meet regularly. I need to look through the packet again. I'm sure I missed a lot yesterday. Okay, off to face the day!

lillamy

I will be thinking of you today! You may not hear it yourself (and you may not be feeling it) but you sound good, strong, and determined.

And if they don't have coffee, you have to let us know - if that's the case, I will start donating coffee rather than money to my local shelter. When in crisis, a girl needs her coffee!

Hugs. You can do this.

ShootingStar1

It might be worth getting a domestic violence lawyer to file for the restraining order for you. That makes it clear that you are very serious, serious enough to pay for an attorney, and the lawyer knows how to present the case to make the court take it seriously enough.

Sometimes taking a stern tough stand first can inform the rest of the process. When you're managing a group of kids, it is easier to start out with strict rules and tough discipline - - the kids listen to that and respect it. Then, as the situation warrants, you can loosen up later if you want to. But the standards have been set, and they've been set high, and the kids know that. It just changes the tone of the whole thing.

So I agree with Lexi and Lillamy that you should get the court, the legal system, and the police lined up on your side right now. It will be a major deterrent to him. And if he transgresses, there are consequences for him that will protect you.

ShootingStar1

transformyself

yes, this. You DO sound strong and determined. Thank you for keeping in touch with us.

DG0409

When I got a restraining order, I relied on free help from the domestic violence shelter in town. Retrospectively, I really wish I'd gotten a lawyer. The free help wasn't that great in some ways, still better than nothing, at least I got the RO.

I can remember being so afraid that the RO would make things worse, too, but as pointed out above, if he so much as texts an apology he would have been risking going to jail for a year. Guess he decided it wasn't worth the risk and once he saw I was serious enough to get an RO, he must have figured I was serious enough to report any texts/contact.

It was really hard at the time, but I have never regretted getting the RO and it WAS the end of contact from the a$$hat I was dating.

Anyway, just thought I'd add a little about my experience, in case it helped.

LexieCat

I agree that having a lawyer anytime you are in court is a good idea, if you can possibly afford it. They are relatively simple proceedings and it should not be terribly expensive, but it could be money well spent. Another thought if your income is quite low is that sometimes there are DV clinics at law schools, or attorneys who will represent you pro bono. You might ask the advocate if she knows of any such resources.

Hugs, and I totally feel you on the coffee. I don't travel without my jar of instant--the hotel never gives you nearly enough packets.

wicked

Dearest sueski,

When I had to sleep in the field (training missions in the Army) I used the little orange ones that you squeeze and then fill up your ears. They are comfy, and believe me, I tried everyone one the Army had to protect hearing. I had to work with or near huge generators, so loud. and then at night of course that was all I heard!

They are at the nearest dollar store, and get a pad and good pen to write things down.

All of us here are VERY smart people, but, when there is something so crazy going on, these little things, like ear plugs, coffee and notepads just fall out.

Maybe a nice journal to write your thoughts down. I was quite amazed that my usually very precise memory was gone when I was going thru the tough crap with my ex husband.
It comes back in flashes years later, I write it down now, and now there are less of these hot flashes. Except of course for the 50 year old flashes. (sorry, menopause humor, just got hit with one!)

You are a champ. You come here for help. I did not want to ask for help.
Having an appointment next week? Yes, I believe this was no coincidence.
Get your notebook and start to writing, and tell the doc about how you are feeling emotionally. Maybe get a referral for counseling? Just a thought.

the song that keeps going thru my mind (I was born in Pittsburgh so it was an anthem during the heydays of our sports teams) "We are the Champions."
By queen.

We are the champions.
We are the champions!
No time for losers,
for we are the champions
of the World!

excellent song about comebacks.

Beth