All heck broke loose tonight
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I thought about this a little in the shower this morning and the best way I can put it is like this:
Right now, to the alcoholic, this is like a game of Monopoly where every square is Free Parking. So, of course he's not afraid to roll the dice and see where he lands.
When you get a restraining order, it turns every single square on the board into "Go Directly to Jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200."
You're so used to him not being afraid to roll the dice that it seems like he'll just keep rolling them. But once he sees that there aren't any more Free Parking squares... chances are he'll quit playing.
You can't change the player, but you can change the game until he doesn't want to play anymore.
Right now, to the alcoholic, this is like a game of Monopoly where every square is Free Parking. So, of course he's not afraid to roll the dice and see where he lands.
When you get a restraining order, it turns every single square on the board into "Go Directly to Jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200."
You're so used to him not being afraid to roll the dice that it seems like he'll just keep rolling them. But once he sees that there aren't any more Free Parking squares... chances are he'll quit playing.
You can't change the player, but you can change the game until he doesn't want to play anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Since about 6:30, it's beeapologies and promises. He has agreed to individual and marital counseling. I will not go back until I have seen MAJOR changes. He needs to deal with his alcoholism, anger problem and depression. I suspect he is a double winner, too, but letsface the urgent stuff first. He is rrlentless today. He's been crying. Damn, this is hard.
His sister has offered me a place to stay. She has always been very supportive and we consider each other family. If she were different, I wouldn't even consider it, but she is on board with the tough love, and she is the one person I am entirely certain he won't mess with, sober or plastered. I think I am going to go there. Its close to my work, they have a guest suite type area, and i trust her and her husband.
His sister has offered me a place to stay. She has always been very supportive and we consider each other family. If she were different, I wouldn't even consider it, but she is on board with the tough love, and she is the one person I am entirely certain he won't mess with, sober or plastered. I think I am going to go there. Its close to my work, they have a guest suite type area, and i trust her and her husband.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I still say the restraining order is a good idea. If he is serious about getting sober, he will do it. If not, you will find out before more crap comes down.
If you are positive his sister will support you, if it comes down to your personal safety and what is best for you, rather than what she PERCEIVES will be best for her brother, then go for it. I'd say that is rare, but some people are up to the challenge.
But I would still firmly draw the line in the sand with him. He scared you, his behavior forced you out of your home. If you want him to see how serious YOU take your own safety and well being, you will get the order anyway and take a wait and see attitude about what the future holds.
If you are positive his sister will support you, if it comes down to your personal safety and what is best for you, rather than what she PERCEIVES will be best for her brother, then go for it. I'd say that is rare, but some people are up to the challenge.
But I would still firmly draw the line in the sand with him. He scared you, his behavior forced you out of your home. If you want him to see how serious YOU take your own safety and well being, you will get the order anyway and take a wait and see attitude about what the future holds.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I think she's for real, although I see your point about her perceptions. She has told me WAY more than once to save myself, that I can't save him. She's done a lot of work on herself.
He has stopped texting me. So he is respecting a small boundary. He does not remember most of what was said and done Thursday night. I don't know if he remembers telling me he would kill me. I did make sure he knew everything he did. I repeatedly told him today that I need to see action, not hear words, and I reminded him of broken promises he's made in the last couple of years.
I told him he needs to get set up with a counselor, and I will set up marital counseling. I told him I thought he should go back to AA, and he doesn't think that will help. I told,him the white knuckle plan is not acceptable. I told him that at this point, his word is not enough, much as I love him. We'll see. More will be revealed, right?
He has stopped texting me. So he is respecting a small boundary. He does not remember most of what was said and done Thursday night. I don't know if he remembers telling me he would kill me. I did make sure he knew everything he did. I repeatedly told him today that I need to see action, not hear words, and I reminded him of broken promises he's made in the last couple of years.
I told him he needs to get set up with a counselor, and I will set up marital counseling. I told him I thought he should go back to AA, and he doesn't think that will help. I told,him the white knuckle plan is not acceptable. I told him that at this point, his word is not enough, much as I love him. We'll see. More will be revealed, right?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I don't know that you can conclude, because he stopped texting you for a few hours, that he is respecting a boundary. That is likely to disappear with the next drink, or the next desperate attempt to get you to come home.
Remember, what he wants at all costs is for everything to be the way it was. Which includes being able to continue to drink. I speak from experience--I know that even when my drinking was causing problems, what I wanted to avoid was AA and the thought of having to quit "forever" at all costs. To that end I did all kinds of crazy experimentation with how, when, under what circumstances I would drink. I made deals with myself and with other people. All so I didn't have to do the heavy lifting that is involved in changing my entire life.
The immediate consequence of his drinking, right now, is that you have left him. You have concrete proof that he threatened to kill you. If you ignore that, then he will say and do whatever to restore the status quo. And that means that another experience like this, or worse, is likely to happen sooner or later. Because he doesn't yet see how bad things are, he doesn't yet see that he has to change for his own sake. On the REMOTE chance he doesn't realize he threatened to kill you, doesn't it seem like a good thing for him to experience the consequence of that action? People are responsible for their actions while drunk, even if they don't remember them later. Legally and morally.
I'm not suggesting you should have no compassion for him, but don't let your compassion soften his consequences or compromise your safety.
Remember, what he wants at all costs is for everything to be the way it was. Which includes being able to continue to drink. I speak from experience--I know that even when my drinking was causing problems, what I wanted to avoid was AA and the thought of having to quit "forever" at all costs. To that end I did all kinds of crazy experimentation with how, when, under what circumstances I would drink. I made deals with myself and with other people. All so I didn't have to do the heavy lifting that is involved in changing my entire life.
The immediate consequence of his drinking, right now, is that you have left him. You have concrete proof that he threatened to kill you. If you ignore that, then he will say and do whatever to restore the status quo. And that means that another experience like this, or worse, is likely to happen sooner or later. Because he doesn't yet see how bad things are, he doesn't yet see that he has to change for his own sake. On the REMOTE chance he doesn't realize he threatened to kill you, doesn't it seem like a good thing for him to experience the consequence of that action? People are responsible for their actions while drunk, even if they don't remember them later. Legally and morally.
I'm not suggesting you should have no compassion for him, but don't let your compassion soften his consequences or compromise your safety.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Originally Posted by Sueski 
Since about 6:30, it's beeapologies and promises.
Looking back on it, I feel pretty dumb because I bought them every time and they were all nothing but lies.
I never should have accepted an apology for threats to my life. I should have RAN. I stuck around. The next time he threatened my life, it was a heck of a lot scarier though because then, I was in the car with him, he was driving and he was threatening to kill us both and swerving towards the concrete barrier in the road to scare me. It worked. I was scared as hell. (And he was high as hell at the time... I DID not trust he was acting sane with me in the car.)
The thing is that he probably didn't mean to threaten you. He probably does feel bad about it. But he doesn't even remember it, so it's not likely to set in because you tell him it happened. He's past a point of being able to keep promises. Anything he says now is just to lull you into staying so you can go through the whole thing again... only next time, it might not just be a threat. He didn't mean to this time, and he won't mean to next time, either.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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Alcoholics are very good with the crocodile tears and the poor-me.
I'm glad you are safe. I have a little bit of worry about you staying with one of his family members, but you will know soon enough whether or not that was a wrong turn.
All I can say today is that I'm glad you are safe. And that what he did, he will do again. Many spouses reunite with the alcoholic when he has had a "quiet" couple of months and seems to be "on the right track." This is always a major disaster.
And because he is seething with resentments underneath all his blubbering, I believe you will be in danger until he has at minimum one full year clean and sober, one full year in counseling with a professional.
I am afraid you will go back to him too soon. Please be careful.
I'm glad you are safe. I have a little bit of worry about you staying with one of his family members, but you will know soon enough whether or not that was a wrong turn.
All I can say today is that I'm glad you are safe. And that what he did, he will do again. Many spouses reunite with the alcoholic when he has had a "quiet" couple of months and seems to be "on the right track." This is always a major disaster.
And because he is seething with resentments underneath all his blubbering, I believe you will be in danger until he has at minimum one full year clean and sober, one full year in counseling with a professional.
I am afraid you will go back to him too soon. Please be careful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Thank you all - you are helping me stay strong. I know I can't give in, or it will only be worse next time. I want to, so badly. I miss my home, and my things, and my cat. I miss the good side of AH. That said, I slept better last night, with all the noise of other people, than i have at home in a long time. There was a lock between me and everyone else.
He is definitely on the poor-me track today. I hurt for him, and I hurt for myself, but too bad for both of us. If I go home he'll be fine for a while, then it will slowly (or rapidly) slip into madness again. I can't take that. I get why you say a year, EG, but it sounds so long. (now that I think of it, he's been open about his drinking a year and that flew by... hmm..) Lexie, if he does drink, I am sure he'll pull more garbage. I don't dare be around him right now, even though I'm pretty sure he hasn't had a drink today. I will cave if I see him. AVOID!~!
I think it will be okay at SIL's house. There will be more privacy and quiet. And I can leave if it's not good. I have seven other offers of places to stay, with family or coworkers. I am exhausted.
He is definitely on the poor-me track today. I hurt for him, and I hurt for myself, but too bad for both of us. If I go home he'll be fine for a while, then it will slowly (or rapidly) slip into madness again. I can't take that. I get why you say a year, EG, but it sounds so long. (now that I think of it, he's been open about his drinking a year and that flew by... hmm..) Lexie, if he does drink, I am sure he'll pull more garbage. I don't dare be around him right now, even though I'm pretty sure he hasn't had a drink today. I will cave if I see him. AVOID!~!
I think it will be okay at SIL's house. There will be more privacy and quiet. And I can leave if it's not good. I have seven other offers of places to stay, with family or coworkers. I am exhausted.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
DG, I think you are right that he is past the point of being able to keep promises. I said a number of times that he wasn't hearing me because his reply to everything was, "Please just come home." Um. I asked a question and that is your reply? No, not working for me. And not thinking AA is a good idea is not acceptable. I asked, repeatedly, for his plan, and he doesn't have one. I am going to keep doing my thing, taking care of me. I hate the thought, but I think I will end up getting an apartment and being on my own for a while.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Spouses of alcoholics are famous for their inability to take the long view, so I hope you can do that. Spouses are so bound up in fear, especially fear that they will lose the alcoholic to another lover, that they find it very difficult to release control, release trying to coerce the alcoholic into recovery, release an unmanageable situation (codependents are always running game plans in their heads about how they can maneuver things to working out their way), and separate from the alcoholic in order to put a stop to the repeating merry-go-round of crisis, peace, tension, crisis, peace, tension, crisis......A lot of spouses allow their children to be a part of this, too, sadly.
The spouse misses the alcoholic, the house, the garden, the familiar routines, the mutual friends, the pets, the life made in the marriage.
But reality will persist. Reality will rise up again and again and give the spouse a good shaking up.
Because that home life the spouse is so sentimental about....it is built on sand. Everything and everyone relies on the alcoholic never picking up another drink. And the alcoholic is going to pick up another drink. When he does, he will never be able to control how much he will drink. Alcoholism is the loss of control. The alcoholic can never consistently predict nor choose how much he will drink. And generally he drinks at the most shocking times: right before a family event, a job interview, an anniversary dinner, when he is supposed to be driving the kids to soccer, when he is supposed to be at the airport to pick someone up. When the baby is being born at the hospital.
The spouse hangs on, the alcoholic continues to drink, rage builds on both sides. Addiction is destroying them both.
Being home with him will serve no good purpose. It will take 30 days of sobriety for the alcohol to leave his body. It will take several months for the ensuing depression, mood swings, self-pity, potential slips, and resentment that he had to stop drinking in the first place to clear. You being there as his emotional punching bag will not help him and it will further damage you.
Have you looked into the nearest Al-Anon meeting?
The spouse misses the alcoholic, the house, the garden, the familiar routines, the mutual friends, the pets, the life made in the marriage.
But reality will persist. Reality will rise up again and again and give the spouse a good shaking up.
Because that home life the spouse is so sentimental about....it is built on sand. Everything and everyone relies on the alcoholic never picking up another drink. And the alcoholic is going to pick up another drink. When he does, he will never be able to control how much he will drink. Alcoholism is the loss of control. The alcoholic can never consistently predict nor choose how much he will drink. And generally he drinks at the most shocking times: right before a family event, a job interview, an anniversary dinner, when he is supposed to be driving the kids to soccer, when he is supposed to be at the airport to pick someone up. When the baby is being born at the hospital.
The spouse hangs on, the alcoholic continues to drink, rage builds on both sides. Addiction is destroying them both.
Being home with him will serve no good purpose. It will take 30 days of sobriety for the alcohol to leave his body. It will take several months for the ensuing depression, mood swings, self-pity, potential slips, and resentment that he had to stop drinking in the first place to clear. You being there as his emotional punching bag will not help him and it will further damage you.
Have you looked into the nearest Al-Anon meeting?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Sueski, this apologetic and crying is a stage in the cycle of abuse. He is desperate to get what he wants/needs. The next drink will distort this reality as well as his memory and ability to regulate emotion. He can't make promises to change, because he zero plan and zero motivation---The kind of thinking and attitude changes that he needs to keep these promises will only come---slowly---as he works a diligent AA prorgam with a sponsor.
Not a few AA meetings here and there--that is a start, but it won't do the job.
His words mean nothing--they are guranteed to blow away with the next cold wind or the first time you tell him "NO" about anything he wants. Then, it will be "Katie, bar the door!"
I am glad to hear you say that you will be getting an apartment--because your SIL's attitude might change if he does white-knuckle it for a while or go to a few meetings. If he were to go to her and cry that he is changing but you haven't given him credit (i.e, reunite), she may begin to side with him--he is blood. This would bring tension for you with her. Best to not rely on his family more than you have to.
If you do not get the protective order--save all your evidence and keep a journal of everything. Learn how to get one and keep your safety plan ready for when it might become necessary to protect yourself. Take advantage of everything the shelter will offer you. I doubt that this story is over--as it looks like his tears are working.
Please keep posting and let us know how things are progressing. We care about you and want you to be safe and have peace. Many people here have been through this same scenario.
One more important thing--marital counseling as this stage is generally considered a wast of your money (and effort). The alcoholic needs to be sober for a period of time ---several months, at a m inimum before they are even emotionally available for marital therapy. At this stage, the partner often suffers more harm than good!
sincerely, dandylion
Not a few AA meetings here and there--that is a start, but it won't do the job.
His words mean nothing--they are guranteed to blow away with the next cold wind or the first time you tell him "NO" about anything he wants. Then, it will be "Katie, bar the door!"
I am glad to hear you say that you will be getting an apartment--because your SIL's attitude might change if he does white-knuckle it for a while or go to a few meetings. If he were to go to her and cry that he is changing but you haven't given him credit (i.e, reunite), she may begin to side with him--he is blood. This would bring tension for you with her. Best to not rely on his family more than you have to.
If you do not get the protective order--save all your evidence and keep a journal of everything. Learn how to get one and keep your safety plan ready for when it might become necessary to protect yourself. Take advantage of everything the shelter will offer you. I doubt that this story is over--as it looks like his tears are working.
Please keep posting and let us know how things are progressing. We care about you and want you to be safe and have peace. Many people here have been through this same scenario.
One more important thing--marital counseling as this stage is generally considered a wast of your money (and effort). The alcoholic needs to be sober for a period of time ---several months, at a m inimum before they are even emotionally available for marital therapy. At this stage, the partner often suffers more harm than good!
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Originally Posted by dandylion
If you do not get the protective order--save all your evidence and keep a journal of everything.
I will say: It is a pain in the a$$ to try to recover texts you've deleted from your phone before going to court. I deleted all his nasty texts cause they were just junk to me.... or so I thought. Turns out they weren't junk... they were evidence against him and by deleting them, I destroyed the evidence.
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Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I am going to keep doing my thing, taking care of me. I hate the thought, but I think I will end up getting an apartment and being on my own for a while.
Instead of hating the thought. How about just being willing to do it.
Be willing to be on your own, and be willing to get something good out of it.
Open yourself up to the possibility that this is the best thing to do right now.
You do not HAVE to do anything.
Just think about it and be willing.
Beth
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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By the way, I got a no trespassing order against my adult son, once. It was easy to do and he didn't come onto the property again while intoxicated. I k new that I had little or no chance of getting the protective order. i live in the state of Virginia.
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
THIS is why I come here. Truth, however painful.
You know I want to cave, and you caution me against it with supporting evidence. It was incredibly hard to keep saying, "I need action not words," " no, I can't come home yet," "you are not hearing me." I will be interested to see what comes overnight.
He did call his sister, as I asked. She told him many of the same things I have, including the need for proof. She went farther than I did with that and flat out told him he didn't deserve to have me home and needed to prove himself deserving of the chance. She suggested he call a mutual friend who is also an A, but of the recovering variety. I do understand the cycle of abuse and am trying hard to keep that foremost in my mind when he tells me what I want to hear. I'm trying also to bear in mind the things he ISN'T saying, and that I have seen no action yet. Hard to apply a concept like that to a concrete reality when this much emotion is involved.
I met up with my friend earlier, and had asked her to print a list of Alanon meetings. She gave me a list of AA meetings instead. I have access to wireless now (at SIL's house) so I can look them up on a screen I can actually see (I'm 44, the close-up stuff just doesn't work anymore!) and get some kind of schedule going for myself.
Some of the emotion may well be sentiment. This is something I need to keep looking at as clearly as I can. You must realize by now that I'm pretty optimistic and pretty good at willful blindness!
It was a good relationship for a lot of years and i think it could be again. i do realize i can't create that alone, and it wont work if i manipulate things that are not mine to manage. I don't think SIL will cut him a lot of slack as far as his responsibility, and if I see things getting hinky I am fairly sure we can talk about it. She's very kind, but very much a straight shooter.
Wicked, you are right about opening up to possibilities. What a ride, eh?
You know I want to cave, and you caution me against it with supporting evidence. It was incredibly hard to keep saying, "I need action not words," " no, I can't come home yet," "you are not hearing me." I will be interested to see what comes overnight.
He did call his sister, as I asked. She told him many of the same things I have, including the need for proof. She went farther than I did with that and flat out told him he didn't deserve to have me home and needed to prove himself deserving of the chance. She suggested he call a mutual friend who is also an A, but of the recovering variety. I do understand the cycle of abuse and am trying hard to keep that foremost in my mind when he tells me what I want to hear. I'm trying also to bear in mind the things he ISN'T saying, and that I have seen no action yet. Hard to apply a concept like that to a concrete reality when this much emotion is involved.
I met up with my friend earlier, and had asked her to print a list of Alanon meetings. She gave me a list of AA meetings instead. I have access to wireless now (at SIL's house) so I can look them up on a screen I can actually see (I'm 44, the close-up stuff just doesn't work anymore!) and get some kind of schedule going for myself.
Some of the emotion may well be sentiment. This is something I need to keep looking at as clearly as I can. You must realize by now that I'm pretty optimistic and pretty good at willful blindness!
It was a good relationship for a lot of years and i think it could be again. i do realize i can't create that alone, and it wont work if i manipulate things that are not mine to manage. I don't think SIL will cut him a lot of slack as far as his responsibility, and if I see things getting hinky I am fairly sure we can talk about it. She's very kind, but very much a straight shooter. Wicked, you are right about opening up to possibilities. What a ride, eh?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
You sound like you're doing really well, all things considered.
I'm proud of you for this. Really well done.
I know how it is and I know it is so easy to think that he's being honest when he apologies and makes promises. Going through this stuff hurts, so it's easy to take the person back just to stop the hurt. In the long run, of course, it just leads to a repeat of the episode and more and more hurt.
You deserve lots of hugs tonight.
It was incredibly hard to keep saying, "I need action not words," " no, I can't come home yet," "you are not hearing me."
I know how it is and I know it is so easy to think that he's being honest when he apologies and makes promises. Going through this stuff hurts, so it's easy to take the person back just to stop the hurt. In the long run, of course, it just leads to a repeat of the episode and more and more hurt.
You deserve lots of hugs tonight.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Work on being optimistic about YOU. It remains to be seen whether there is anything to be optimistic about so far as he is concerned.
Optimism is fine, as long as it isn't delusional. And it's very easy to slip into delusion--seeing and believing what we want to see and to believe, rather than what is in front of us.
Small, token gestures don't mean much either. Sooner or later he will come up with a combination of words, and small gestures, that will start to work on your head. You will start thinking maybe he's serious.
When that happens--WAIT. See what happens when he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it. That's one of the acid tests, I think, for serious recovery. Someone in early recovery, who is serious about it, may get frustrated and angry and self-pitying. But they don't run out and drink. They call their sponsor or someone else, find a way to work through those feelings.
Just my two cents.
Optimism is fine, as long as it isn't delusional. And it's very easy to slip into delusion--seeing and believing what we want to see and to believe, rather than what is in front of us.
Small, token gestures don't mean much either. Sooner or later he will come up with a combination of words, and small gestures, that will start to work on your head. You will start thinking maybe he's serious.
When that happens--WAIT. See what happens when he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it. That's one of the acid tests, I think, for serious recovery. Someone in early recovery, who is serious about it, may get frustrated and angry and self-pitying. But they don't run out and drink. They call their sponsor or someone else, find a way to work through those feelings.
Just my two cents.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Dear Sueski
this
is where I have been for a couple of years. I made it my responsibility to ensure he understood what he had said and done to me, after the fact because, you know, he didn't remember. Instead of being able to take one look at the situation and get the hell out, I kept engaging. I kept explaining.
From 1997-2004 I explained that he was an alcoholic and needed to get sober. That went well. Then I explained from 2004-2008 that I wasn't going to stick around while he destroyed himself and our kids. Then I stayed for years after multiple affairs. Then I left in 2009 for a few years, and then let the ******* move back in because he was paying all the bills. He's spent the last few years raging at me, and I mean raging, because I don't clean, don't bring in any money, won't sleep with him.
After the raging, he's always sorry. Always. It's part of the abuse cycle.
Now I'm financially dependent on a man who is drunk outside all day and night, doing crazy things like dismantling and burning an old couch instead of getting it hauled away to the dump. And the kids and I are inside, or away doing our own thing.
The good news? I am no longer "in love" with this man but more importantly, I'm also no longer, "in desperation," "in codependence," or "in abandonment mode," over this man. So, I'm able to look at the situation without emotion, without my reactions to my unresolved childhood issues, which is what kept me tied to him for so long.
Now, I see it this way: While I was working out my own issues, I have damaged my kids to the point where they need therapy. Again. We've kept the communication open -the kids and I- but I found a councilor and we're starting in two weeks.
AH has progressed in his disease and honestly could die at any time from withdrawal if he runs out of booze. While this makes me a teensy bit sad, I am no longer paralyzed by this truth, or my failures. And I"m no longer motivated by fixing or showing him anything. I just want out. You know how you'll see "am I done?" postings here? You'll know when you are Sister and you'll thank the heavens for it. It's freedom. I know women who have walked away after the first incident. That wasn't me, but I am still proud of the progress I've made.
Today I am finding therapy for our kids, completely disengaged from AH and looking forward to living alone with them again. it's so close. I just need to find the right spot (finances are the only issue).
you will get there too. If this is the first time he's threatened to kill you, don't worry, if you stay, there will be more. He's not going to get better, this is a progressive disease. But if you're here talking and listening, you're bound to reach that point where your safety and well being mean more to you than his. it happens by osmosis I think, and is a real gift.
this
He has stopped texting me. So he is respecting a small boundary. He does not remember most of what was said and done Thursday night. I don't know if he remembers telling me he would kill me. I did make sure he knew everything he did. I repeatedly told him today that I need to see action, not hear words, and I reminded him of broken promises he's made in the last couple of years.
From 1997-2004 I explained that he was an alcoholic and needed to get sober. That went well. Then I explained from 2004-2008 that I wasn't going to stick around while he destroyed himself and our kids. Then I stayed for years after multiple affairs. Then I left in 2009 for a few years, and then let the ******* move back in because he was paying all the bills. He's spent the last few years raging at me, and I mean raging, because I don't clean, don't bring in any money, won't sleep with him.
After the raging, he's always sorry. Always. It's part of the abuse cycle.
Now I'm financially dependent on a man who is drunk outside all day and night, doing crazy things like dismantling and burning an old couch instead of getting it hauled away to the dump. And the kids and I are inside, or away doing our own thing.
The good news? I am no longer "in love" with this man but more importantly, I'm also no longer, "in desperation," "in codependence," or "in abandonment mode," over this man. So, I'm able to look at the situation without emotion, without my reactions to my unresolved childhood issues, which is what kept me tied to him for so long.
Now, I see it this way: While I was working out my own issues, I have damaged my kids to the point where they need therapy. Again. We've kept the communication open -the kids and I- but I found a councilor and we're starting in two weeks.
AH has progressed in his disease and honestly could die at any time from withdrawal if he runs out of booze. While this makes me a teensy bit sad, I am no longer paralyzed by this truth, or my failures. And I"m no longer motivated by fixing or showing him anything. I just want out. You know how you'll see "am I done?" postings here? You'll know when you are Sister and you'll thank the heavens for it. It's freedom. I know women who have walked away after the first incident. That wasn't me, but I am still proud of the progress I've made.
Today I am finding therapy for our kids, completely disengaged from AH and looking forward to living alone with them again. it's so close. I just need to find the right spot (finances are the only issue).
you will get there too. If this is the first time he's threatened to kill you, don't worry, if you stay, there will be more. He's not going to get better, this is a progressive disease. But if you're here talking and listening, you're bound to reach that point where your safety and well being mean more to you than his. it happens by osmosis I think, and is a real gift.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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I just wanted to add this - not to scare you but to keep you aware: prior threats to kill are the strongest factor consistently linked to homicide.
A normal person does not threaten to kill their spouse. A person who threatens to kill their spouse has something seriously wrong with them.
Google "lethality risk assessment" and look at them. Please.
A normal person does not threaten to kill their spouse. A person who threatens to kill their spouse has something seriously wrong with them.
Google "lethality risk assessment" and look at them. Please.
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