All heck broke loose tonight
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
"A normal person does not threaten to kill their spouse. A person who threatens to kill their spouse has something seriously wrong with them."
Lillamy,
Thank you for writing this. I remember a similar message you sent to me last year. Your use of words here is spot on.....these words, almost exactly, are what the police officer who took my complaint said to me. It was a lightbulb moment that got me to move forward and then the arrest happened.
It is scary to hear...but it needs to be said.
MamKit
Lillamy,
Thank you for writing this. I remember a similar message you sent to me last year. Your use of words here is spot on.....these words, almost exactly, are what the police officer who took my complaint said to me. It was a lightbulb moment that got me to move forward and then the arrest happened.
It is scary to hear...but it needs to be said.
MamKit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I am nervous to write this because of what the feedback will be. I'm willing to hear disagreement, but please don't beat me up. I am struggling in every way, here.
He hasn't had a drink since Friday (I know, big deal, that's not enough by a long shot) and is calling his PCP for a check, to go back on antidepressants that he quit on his own, and to get a referral for therapy. It's a start. These were all his ideas after I told him to do some soul-searching and come up with a plan.
I think me leaving was a very big wake-up for him. I've never done it before although I threatened to once. I've certainly never refused to take his calls, ignored his texts or refused to see him before.
Speaking of threats, his initial response to the 'um, hey buddy, you said you would KILL ME' was that he was hurt and angry. I told him that anger is fine, you can feel and express anger but you CANNOT SPEAK that way to people whether you mean it or not, whether you intend to follow through or not, whether it's a figure of speech or not. I don't think he realized how he came across. Not an excuse. Not acceptable. If that ever happens again, done. I was very clear on that point. Flat-out told him that he is a big, scary man, and I was terrified of him. I won't live with that. He's always been scornful of men who hit women and I think this will be a closed issue. And if he drinks, at all, he is going to have to leave or I will. I won't be around it.
I know this is a man who can embrace sobriety. He was sober when I met him and maintained it well, for years. I'm willing to give this a chance because of that history and first-hand knowledge. We'll see if he is serious about giving it up. He wants his life back, doesn't want to be an embarrassment to his family, and doesn't want me out of his life. He has to do the heavy lifting and has to do it because HE knows that there is a better way. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. We'll see.
I am keeping a bag in the car with clothes and money, keeping the PO box and opening an account in my name only. I'm going to go to Alanon, and continue with my (new) therapist. I'm feeling really defensive about this decision, so please be gentle. Thank you. You guys can't begin to know how much you helped me this weekend. I am about to cry just thinking about all those virtual arms holding me up when I wasn't sure I could stand. This story isn't over by a long shot, I realize. Long, hard days ahead.
He hasn't had a drink since Friday (I know, big deal, that's not enough by a long shot) and is calling his PCP for a check, to go back on antidepressants that he quit on his own, and to get a referral for therapy. It's a start. These were all his ideas after I told him to do some soul-searching and come up with a plan.
I think me leaving was a very big wake-up for him. I've never done it before although I threatened to once. I've certainly never refused to take his calls, ignored his texts or refused to see him before.
Speaking of threats, his initial response to the 'um, hey buddy, you said you would KILL ME' was that he was hurt and angry. I told him that anger is fine, you can feel and express anger but you CANNOT SPEAK that way to people whether you mean it or not, whether you intend to follow through or not, whether it's a figure of speech or not. I don't think he realized how he came across. Not an excuse. Not acceptable. If that ever happens again, done. I was very clear on that point. Flat-out told him that he is a big, scary man, and I was terrified of him. I won't live with that. He's always been scornful of men who hit women and I think this will be a closed issue. And if he drinks, at all, he is going to have to leave or I will. I won't be around it.
I know this is a man who can embrace sobriety. He was sober when I met him and maintained it well, for years. I'm willing to give this a chance because of that history and first-hand knowledge. We'll see if he is serious about giving it up. He wants his life back, doesn't want to be an embarrassment to his family, and doesn't want me out of his life. He has to do the heavy lifting and has to do it because HE knows that there is a better way. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. We'll see.
I am keeping a bag in the car with clothes and money, keeping the PO box and opening an account in my name only. I'm going to go to Alanon, and continue with my (new) therapist. I'm feeling really defensive about this decision, so please be gentle. Thank you. You guys can't begin to know how much you helped me this weekend. I am about to cry just thinking about all those virtual arms holding me up when I wasn't sure I could stand. This story isn't over by a long shot, I realize. Long, hard days ahead.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
sueski I wish you peace and happiness. I think you have grown through these experiences. We are not here to judge.
I'd just say that it is great keeping up with the Alanon meetings.
Keep this thread bookmarked and refer to it often...keep us updated
I'm not saying I am right in what I've posted to you, but let me post it again...I might not have positive experiences in relationships as a drunk but I've learned a lot about myself...especially early in recovery. I have also learned a lot from men who are early in recovery or in relapse...
Sueski So much you have written strikes home for me...as a double winner in Alanon/AA I can relate to in my past marriages...but also in my drunkeness...
I denied I was abusive...or not as bad as other men...but really there were points I could have done some irrepreprable harm...
even in early recovery I can still see that I was agressive, broke boundaries, and still verbaly(?) abusive.
I guess just remember to keep the focus on your recovery, your boundaries, your safety and well-being
I am leaning towards more Alanon meetings lately...and we have a small group...but what you are going through now I know several other members are too...
I can't add any more advice...it's just the threats and abuse towards you that scares me...I think you are doing very well in working a solution for you
I will keep you in my thoughts
I'd just say that it is great keeping up with the Alanon meetings.
Keep this thread bookmarked and refer to it often...keep us updated
I'm not saying I am right in what I've posted to you, but let me post it again...I might not have positive experiences in relationships as a drunk but I've learned a lot about myself...especially early in recovery. I have also learned a lot from men who are early in recovery or in relapse...
Sueski So much you have written strikes home for me...as a double winner in Alanon/AA I can relate to in my past marriages...but also in my drunkeness...
I denied I was abusive...or not as bad as other men...but really there were points I could have done some irrepreprable harm...
even in early recovery I can still see that I was agressive, broke boundaries, and still verbaly(?) abusive.
I guess just remember to keep the focus on your recovery, your boundaries, your safety and well-being
I am leaning towards more Alanon meetings lately...and we have a small group...but what you are going through now I know several other members are too...
I can't add any more advice...it's just the threats and abuse towards you that scares me...I think you are doing very well in working a solution for you
I will keep you in my thoughts
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No beating-up from this quarter. I would urge you to be VERY careful. Please at least document the texted threat. Take a picture of it, with time and date. IF you ever need it as evidence, you will have it, to show that it wasn't the first time. I hope you will never need it, or any of your safety arrangements, but better safe than sorry.
Keep your safety plan in place indefinitely.
Hugs, I hope things improve at home. Please reach out for help again if you ever need it.
Keep your safety plan in place indefinitely.
Hugs, I hope things improve at home. Please reach out for help again if you ever need it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Sueski,
I absolutely believe that this is a wake-up call for him. No doubt about it.
Have you considered giving it a good amount of time for this wake up call to become his way of behaving....rather than just a momentary awakening from a dark, semiconscious state?
It hasn't been very long since "all hell broke loose." Give yourself time to process this and gain some clarity of thinking. If he protests, then maybe he is not so serious about turning this around.
I think as codependents we tend to be very reactionary when our A exhibits positive behavior and we do all we can to encourage it because we want it to "stick" so badly. I was in that pattern for a very long time. And if you look at one of my most recent threads seeking advice about when to know when change for the better is real - you will see that I still struggle with avoiding this reactionary reflex that kept me in a bad place for a long time.
No judgment....just sharing from someone who has been through something very similar.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...es-better.html
Hugs and support,
MamaKit
I absolutely believe that this is a wake-up call for him. No doubt about it.
Have you considered giving it a good amount of time for this wake up call to become his way of behaving....rather than just a momentary awakening from a dark, semiconscious state?
It hasn't been very long since "all hell broke loose." Give yourself time to process this and gain some clarity of thinking. If he protests, then maybe he is not so serious about turning this around.
I think as codependents we tend to be very reactionary when our A exhibits positive behavior and we do all we can to encourage it because we want it to "stick" so badly. I was in that pattern for a very long time. And if you look at one of my most recent threads seeking advice about when to know when change for the better is real - you will see that I still struggle with avoiding this reactionary reflex that kept me in a bad place for a long time.
No judgment....just sharing from someone who has been through something very similar.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...es-better.html
Hugs and support,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
My ex had a problem with people that hurt women, too. (In fact he liked to tell me stories about how he beat up this guys that hurt girls because he was so kind and caring.) But only if it was somebody ELSE. Somehow, it didn't seem to apply to him. It took me a while to understand that he didn't think it applied to him though. He thought that if he was angry at me, it was OK for him to hurt me. I can't help but think that your guy sounds much the same. He would have something nasty to say about another guy if he threatened to kill his gf, but thinks it's OK for him to do if he's angry at you.
I think it is a warning sign that when you brought up the threat he said "I was angry and hurt." It implies that he thinks it was justified and OK for him to do that if he's angry. Nothing to say next time he gets angry and hurt he won't take it out in an inappropriate way again. When he is angry, he is not likely to care about the fact that you had a discussion with him about how he should handle his anger. If he gets drunk, he most certainly won't think about it. You can tell him it's not ok, and he might nod his head, but inside... he thinks it's OK to threaten your life to make you afraid or he wouldn't have done it.
This stuff takes time to work through. Most of us who have been through it took the A back over and over and over... and then looking back, we wish we hadn't. So if we're a little harsh sometimes, please understand that it's just because we wish we'd done something differently in a similar situation.
I think your plan to continue with therapy and keeping a bag packed is excellent. As others have said, just save the evidence of his text... it MIGHT come in handy later. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.
Sending you hugs.
I think it is a warning sign that when you brought up the threat he said "I was angry and hurt." It implies that he thinks it was justified and OK for him to do that if he's angry. Nothing to say next time he gets angry and hurt he won't take it out in an inappropriate way again. When he is angry, he is not likely to care about the fact that you had a discussion with him about how he should handle his anger. If he gets drunk, he most certainly won't think about it. You can tell him it's not ok, and he might nod his head, but inside... he thinks it's OK to threaten your life to make you afraid or he wouldn't have done it.
This stuff takes time to work through. Most of us who have been through it took the A back over and over and over... and then looking back, we wish we hadn't. So if we're a little harsh sometimes, please understand that it's just because we wish we'd done something differently in a similar situation.
I think your plan to continue with therapy and keeping a bag packed is excellent. As others have said, just save the evidence of his text... it MIGHT come in handy later. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.
Sending you hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by DG0409 
I think it is a warning sign that when you brought up the threat he said "I was angry and hurt." It implies that he thinks it was justified and OK for him to do that if he's angry.
I would think really hard about that thought, Sueski.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Sueski, we all have the same goal as you. We want you to be safe and to have the best life that you can.
I think you are wise with your plans for continued growth--alanon; therapist; safety plans.
I agree that documenting the most recent threat is very important. Documenting doesn't hurt anything.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
sincerely, dandylion
I think you are wise with your plans for continued growth--alanon; therapist; safety plans.
I agree that documenting the most recent threat is very important. Documenting doesn't hurt anything.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Alcoholism is a disease of resentment, Sueski, and in his disease I believe he is going to resent you for leaving the home, for calling him out on his abuse, for insisting he stay sober as a requirement to live together. Under the apologies and promises, his addict brain is craving and pissed.
If you go back to him, I give it less than a month before you are running for the packed bag and the cat.
I have been you. And sometimes, we just have to go through it all one more time.
May the angels keep you safe, and your kitty as well.
If you go back to him, I give it less than a month before you are running for the packed bag and the cat.
I have been you. And sometimes, we just have to go through it all one more time.
May the angels keep you safe, and your kitty as well.
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