He is not an alcoholic but drinks too often socially
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 3
He is not an alcoholic but drinks too often socially
Dear people,
I dont have an alcoholic partner but I found no other forum more appropriate to post my problem than this one. I hope that people here can understand my feelings and give me some advice.
My boyfriend and I are together since around 2 years, after being 6 months together I realized that he drinks quite often and quite a lot (in my opinion).
A typical drinking routine during the week would be two big beers (500mL) two times during the week (sometimes on an empty stomach!). Two big glasses of wine on Friday night and 5 or 6 big beers going out on Saturday night. I only see that the alcohol affects him when he drinks 5 or 6, where he would be a bit euphoric and with lower inhibitions. The other times he drinks he is just relaxed and doesnt show any sign of drunkness. He likes beer and wine and says that he only drinks to socialize and because he likes the taste. In his family and friends its normal and they all do this and often drink much more. I come from a non-drinking culture where alcohol is seen as something bad. I dont like that he gets affected by his alcohol use (even if he doesnt get drunk, for sure he gets relaxed and a bit more happy because of this). I feel anxious when he drinks and we had already several fights about the topic. He says he tries not to drink much when Im around and that I only want to change him and if he quits drinking will find something else bad on him to change it. I feel like a co-dependent person, that would obsess about how much he drinks if he is being affected or not by it, checking everybody else drinking to see if that is normal...I know I only have to accept that he likes to drink socially (a bit heavily) and that he enjoys spending time doing this while talking with friends or with me. Or if I cant accept this, then quit. But I cant take a decision, neither can I accept it and be on peace with it or quit the relationship because I think that partially I am overreacting and should deal with this anxiety, insecurities and co-dependent behaviour. I am obsessing about this day and night and cant study or work because this is on my mind all the time
.
Thanks for listening
I dont have an alcoholic partner but I found no other forum more appropriate to post my problem than this one. I hope that people here can understand my feelings and give me some advice.
My boyfriend and I are together since around 2 years, after being 6 months together I realized that he drinks quite often and quite a lot (in my opinion).
A typical drinking routine during the week would be two big beers (500mL) two times during the week (sometimes on an empty stomach!). Two big glasses of wine on Friday night and 5 or 6 big beers going out on Saturday night. I only see that the alcohol affects him when he drinks 5 or 6, where he would be a bit euphoric and with lower inhibitions. The other times he drinks he is just relaxed and doesnt show any sign of drunkness. He likes beer and wine and says that he only drinks to socialize and because he likes the taste. In his family and friends its normal and they all do this and often drink much more. I come from a non-drinking culture where alcohol is seen as something bad. I dont like that he gets affected by his alcohol use (even if he doesnt get drunk, for sure he gets relaxed and a bit more happy because of this). I feel anxious when he drinks and we had already several fights about the topic. He says he tries not to drink much when Im around and that I only want to change him and if he quits drinking will find something else bad on him to change it. I feel like a co-dependent person, that would obsess about how much he drinks if he is being affected or not by it, checking everybody else drinking to see if that is normal...I know I only have to accept that he likes to drink socially (a bit heavily) and that he enjoys spending time doing this while talking with friends or with me. Or if I cant accept this, then quit. But I cant take a decision, neither can I accept it and be on peace with it or quit the relationship because I think that partially I am overreacting and should deal with this anxiety, insecurities and co-dependent behaviour. I am obsessing about this day and night and cant study or work because this is on my mind all the time
. Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Maggie32.
Hhhmmm...sounds like the real underlying problem is your anxiety over this relationship. I drink - socially like he does, however not 5 or 6 drinks because I'd be under the table passed out cold! I don't think I am an alcoholic. I just like to have a drink or two.
So you know you either accept him for who he is (quirks and all) or leave the relationship. Sounds pretty black and white to me. Do or don't. Yes or no. So I have to ask now - what is the real issue that causes you to obsess about it?
Do know that question is simply food for thought - you don't need to answer it right away. Just think about it. Take away the drinking and focus on what exactly is causing you so much anxiety about this relationship.
And lastly, as I like to tell my daughters when it comes to relationships, try not to make problems where none exist. If he treats you the way you want to be treated and meet your needs as best he can, and really genuinely seems to love you and have concern for your well being, does any of this really matter at the end of the day? However, if those things don't exist - then yes - the relationship itself is the problem.
Peace,
~T
Hhhmmm...sounds like the real underlying problem is your anxiety over this relationship. I drink - socially like he does, however not 5 or 6 drinks because I'd be under the table passed out cold! I don't think I am an alcoholic. I just like to have a drink or two.
So you know you either accept him for who he is (quirks and all) or leave the relationship. Sounds pretty black and white to me. Do or don't. Yes or no. So I have to ask now - what is the real issue that causes you to obsess about it?
Do know that question is simply food for thought - you don't need to answer it right away. Just think about it. Take away the drinking and focus on what exactly is causing you so much anxiety about this relationship.
And lastly, as I like to tell my daughters when it comes to relationships, try not to make problems where none exist. If he treats you the way you want to be treated and meet your needs as best he can, and really genuinely seems to love you and have concern for your well being, does any of this really matter at the end of the day? However, if those things don't exist - then yes - the relationship itself is the problem.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I know lots of people who can put away 5-6 drinks and not be classified as alcoholics, but what you're discussing here is how YOU feel about his drinking. I would suggest trying an Al Anon meeting in your area. My husband does not even drink that much but I tend to classify him as an alcoholic because he fits the profile in more ways than just his drinking. He's a binge drinker and can't stop many times once he starts and he makes poor decisions when he drinks that affect our family.
You seem to have a lot of anxiety over his drinking, maybe exploring where this stems from and reading a few books on codependency might help you. There's certainly nothing wrong with a little self exploration. If your BF is a good man, treats you well, abides by society's laws, is responsible with his drinking, and is responsible for himself and his own well-being, then maybe the issue is something more than just the drinking. I know I had a lot of insecurities around my husband's drinking when we were dating because my dad was an alcoholic and I projected my fears about what happened in my childhood into my young adult life. I would judge people for how much they drank and then put myself up on a 'better than thou' pedestal because I stopped at 2 beers. Through Al Anon, I've learned that I need to check myself first before I start judging everyone else, and that includes my husband. Hang in there, keep coming back, and ask away! There's lots of great support here.
You seem to have a lot of anxiety over his drinking, maybe exploring where this stems from and reading a few books on codependency might help you. There's certainly nothing wrong with a little self exploration. If your BF is a good man, treats you well, abides by society's laws, is responsible with his drinking, and is responsible for himself and his own well-being, then maybe the issue is something more than just the drinking. I know I had a lot of insecurities around my husband's drinking when we were dating because my dad was an alcoholic and I projected my fears about what happened in my childhood into my young adult life. I would judge people for how much they drank and then put myself up on a 'better than thou' pedestal because I stopped at 2 beers. Through Al Anon, I've learned that I need to check myself first before I start judging everyone else, and that includes my husband. Hang in there, keep coming back, and ask away! There's lots of great support here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds as if you have issues with drinking, period. and that is perfectly FINE, however your bf DOES drink. and isn't showing any signs of willingness to NOT drink...for you.
that truly does leave you with a decision to make. if drinking is an issue, if it's part of your moral code, than you honor that and break off the relationship. HE is not required to live up to your standards, only his own. any relationship that causes grief, anxiety, and upset is toxic and unhealthy.
that truly does leave you with a decision to make. if drinking is an issue, if it's part of your moral code, than you honor that and break off the relationship. HE is not required to live up to your standards, only his own. any relationship that causes grief, anxiety, and upset is toxic and unhealthy.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
maggie32, my first suggestion to you would be to educate yourself about the nature of the disease of alcoholism. If you came from a non-drinking culture--like I did, also---chances you are as ignorant as I was. Just for your own edification--knowledge is always power. And, it is a progressive disease. There are different styles of drinking and different stages of progression.
I can't say if he is an alcoholic for sure--and no one on this forum is going to tell you that he is or not. One thing for sure--it is a problem for YOU. There is already conflict in your relationship because of it. That is a great big red flag that something is wrong somewhere.
Read here--the stickies at the top of this page has a wealth of information. You will find a list of recommended readings on the subject--including co-dependency issues.
You might seek out a certified alcohol counselor--someone who has a lot of experience in the field---just to discuss your concerns with. You can call the National Council on Alcoholism to find a qualified person to talk to.
****I came from a culture where, if anyone had ever...ever...had one beer then my mother referred to them as "that drunkard". So, I know that there are extremes of attitude.
I am concerned when I hear you say that you "obsess day and night" and can't concentrate at work. Something is bothering you--big time. No time like the present to get to the bottom of it. This doesn't sound like something that is just going away.
dandylion
I can't say if he is an alcoholic for sure--and no one on this forum is going to tell you that he is or not. One thing for sure--it is a problem for YOU. There is already conflict in your relationship because of it. That is a great big red flag that something is wrong somewhere.
Read here--the stickies at the top of this page has a wealth of information. You will find a list of recommended readings on the subject--including co-dependency issues.
You might seek out a certified alcohol counselor--someone who has a lot of experience in the field---just to discuss your concerns with. You can call the National Council on Alcoholism to find a qualified person to talk to.
****I came from a culture where, if anyone had ever...ever...had one beer then my mother referred to them as "that drunkard". So, I know that there are extremes of attitude.
I am concerned when I hear you say that you "obsess day and night" and can't concentrate at work. Something is bothering you--big time. No time like the present to get to the bottom of it. This doesn't sound like something that is just going away.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
You will find lots of people here that understand and can offer advice and support.
From what you describe, he sounds like he could potentially be an alcoholic. The disease is progressive and it doesn't sound like if he is an alcoholic that it has progressed to the point that he is likely to see it as a problem. It doesn't sound like he drinks an unreasonable amount around you, but the fact that he notes that he doesn't drink that much when you're around... makes me wonder how much he drinks when you're not around. The fact that he drinks quite a bit while trying not to drink very much... yeah, that kind of is a sign of alcoholism. The fact that it is causing problems in your relationship and he's still unwilling to quit is another sign.
"I dont like that he gets affected by his alcohol use (even if he doesnt get drunk, for sure he gets relaxed and a bit more happy because of this)."
Personally, I don't see him being a bit more relaxed and happy due to the alcohol as a huge problem. If he was angry, mean, etc., that would be a huge problem for me.
Having said all of that, I think it's important to try to not worry about him or what he is doing. You can't change his drinking. He's an adult and can drink if he wants to. What you can change is this: "I am obsessing about this day and night and cant study or work because this is on my mind all the time ."
His drinking is his problem. You obsessing is your problem. It is crucial to identify what is yours to deal with and what isn't.
From what you describe, he sounds like he could potentially be an alcoholic. The disease is progressive and it doesn't sound like if he is an alcoholic that it has progressed to the point that he is likely to see it as a problem. It doesn't sound like he drinks an unreasonable amount around you, but the fact that he notes that he doesn't drink that much when you're around... makes me wonder how much he drinks when you're not around. The fact that he drinks quite a bit while trying not to drink very much... yeah, that kind of is a sign of alcoholism. The fact that it is causing problems in your relationship and he's still unwilling to quit is another sign.
"I dont like that he gets affected by his alcohol use (even if he doesnt get drunk, for sure he gets relaxed and a bit more happy because of this)."
Personally, I don't see him being a bit more relaxed and happy due to the alcohol as a huge problem. If he was angry, mean, etc., that would be a huge problem for me.
Having said all of that, I think it's important to try to not worry about him or what he is doing. You can't change his drinking. He's an adult and can drink if he wants to. What you can change is this: "I am obsessing about this day and night and cant study or work because this is on my mind all the time ."
His drinking is his problem. You obsessing is your problem. It is crucial to identify what is yours to deal with and what isn't.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
A lot of times we obsess over whether or not it's cool to label someone before we confront the issue.
In short, it doesn't matter whether or not he's a "real" alcoholic. The fact is his drinking causes you distress, he's unwilling to change it, and neither of you are willing to act on this information. In my mind, whatever the reasons, you've got yourself a impasse. Even if he is an alcoholic, he has the right to run his life however he wants to, even if that means running it into the ground.
All you can change is you. You can dig in and wait for him to change this behavior, but from the sounds of it, you'll be waiting for awhile.
In future relationships, a personal boundary you might have is, "I don't get into relationships with people who drink." Clearly for some reason it's triggering for you and you might want to explore that with a counselor. But in the meantime?
^^^ This is great advice.
In short, it doesn't matter whether or not he's a "real" alcoholic. The fact is his drinking causes you distress, he's unwilling to change it, and neither of you are willing to act on this information. In my mind, whatever the reasons, you've got yourself a impasse. Even if he is an alcoholic, he has the right to run his life however he wants to, even if that means running it into the ground.
All you can change is you. You can dig in and wait for him to change this behavior, but from the sounds of it, you'll be waiting for awhile.
In future relationships, a personal boundary you might have is, "I don't get into relationships with people who drink." Clearly for some reason it's triggering for you and you might want to explore that with a counselor. But in the meantime?
if drinking is an issue, if it's part of your moral code, than you honor that and break off the relationship. HE is not required to live up to your standards, only his own. any relationship that causes grief, anxiety, and upset is toxic and unhealthy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 3
Thanks for your answers!
Thanks to all for your fast answers! I didnt expect that I would get so soon so many replies and that is nice because I feel support 
I am pretty sure that he is not an alcoholic, I read already a lot about it. He has had this drinking pattern since long long time (didnt increase his drinking). He never has problems to stop drinking and can decide when to stop (for example when he drinks wine with me, he stops when he starts "to feel the alcohol"). He can go on without drinking for several days and when he goes out to drink with this friends, he know where to stop, can control himself and never did anything irresponsible. I think that his habits are really strong, he associates beer with for example watching football so if there is a match, he would drink a two big ones. Friday night dinner with me means having wine after dinner...or watching a movie means having a couple of glasses of wine as well...and so on...
He just comes from a culture where having a couple of drinks to relax is a normal way to end your day and where having a few more on the weekend to get a bit more loose in a social setting is normal and expected. I didnt mention it but he is german and we live in Germany. Here alcohol is seen as something neutral or good, not as a drug. He really sees no problem in his behaviour but feels attacked by me because I dont accept him as he is an treat him as an alcoholic. BTW sometimes he also drinks non-alcoholic beer, but this he does on the days that he doesnt drink alcohol.
I am not sure exactly about what my issue really is. Every couple of months we have a big fight about this topic and almost end the relationship. Everytime we discuss about alcohol I feel like the relationship might end because maybe our life phylosophies are simply not compatible.
Is not that I am a non-drinker...my family thinks that drinking is pretty bad but I usually drink once during the week (one or two beers) and if there is a party or something in the weekend a bit more...maybe until I am a bit tipsy and then I stop.
I am pretty sure that he is not an alcoholic, I read already a lot about it. He has had this drinking pattern since long long time (didnt increase his drinking). He never has problems to stop drinking and can decide when to stop (for example when he drinks wine with me, he stops when he starts "to feel the alcohol"). He can go on without drinking for several days and when he goes out to drink with this friends, he know where to stop, can control himself and never did anything irresponsible. I think that his habits are really strong, he associates beer with for example watching football so if there is a match, he would drink a two big ones. Friday night dinner with me means having wine after dinner...or watching a movie means having a couple of glasses of wine as well...and so on...
He just comes from a culture where having a couple of drinks to relax is a normal way to end your day and where having a few more on the weekend to get a bit more loose in a social setting is normal and expected. I didnt mention it but he is german and we live in Germany. Here alcohol is seen as something neutral or good, not as a drug
. He really sees no problem in his behaviour but feels attacked by me because I dont accept him as he is an treat him as an alcoholic. BTW sometimes he also drinks non-alcoholic beer, but this he does on the days that he doesnt drink alcohol. I am not sure exactly about what my issue really is. Every couple of months we have a big fight about this topic and almost end the relationship. Everytime we discuss about alcohol I feel like the relationship might end because maybe our life phylosophies are simply not compatible.
Is not that I am a non-drinker...my family thinks that drinking is pretty bad but I usually drink once during the week (one or two beers) and if there is a party or something in the weekend a bit more...maybe until I am a bit tipsy and then I stop.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
maggie32, perhaps your m oral code is in conflict with his--as was mentioned before. I think that you would benefit by continuing your education on the subject--and codependency. It can't hurt, right?
I know that I have certain moral codes or values that I am not very flexible on. For example, if a guy mentions that he doesn't like cats---that is the end of him for me!! If he goes hunting for entertainment---that is the end of him for me!!
If he shows racist attitudes or sexist attitudes--that is the end o f him for me!!
We each decide what we want in our world---or not.
sincerely, dandylion
I know that I have certain moral codes or values that I am not very flexible on. For example, if a guy mentions that he doesn't like cats---that is the end of him for me!! If he goes hunting for entertainment---that is the end of him for me!!
If he shows racist attitudes or sexist attitudes--that is the end o f him for me!!
We each decide what we want in our world---or not.
sincerely, dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't personally see any real indicators that he is an alcoholic. But as everyone pointed out, lifestyle compatibility is important in a relationship. For instance, some guys have hobbies or other interests that consume a lot of their time and attention (and so do some women), and the partner may feel left out. But this hobby or interest might be something important to the one person, and s/he may feel that the partner's requests or demands to change are unreasonable or controlling. When compromise isn't possible or makes either party unhappy, then maybe the relationship just won't work.
There are a LOT of nice guys out there that I like and respect and whose company I enjoy, but I wouldn't want to be married to them, or to be in a serious relationship with them.
To thine own self be true.
There are a LOT of nice guys out there that I like and respect and whose company I enjoy, but I wouldn't want to be married to them, or to be in a serious relationship with them.
To thine own self be true.
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