PurpleWilder

Thanks for this thread - it has solidified so many thoughts and ideas I have had about my own relationship history. Please let's keep it going....

Sueski

I tend to think the spark is important, but so is dispassionate assessment of the realities.

A spark can start a nice warm fire in the hearth, or it can start a forest fire. Gotta be careful with that kind of power!!

And if anybody locates that shop that can recalibrate us, please let me know!!!

Great thread.

AnvilheadII

it ain't the spark....it's the open can of gasoline we carry.

spark is important. what are we, hank and I, 11 years in? been thru quite a bit together. this morning as he was heading out the door for work, masonry construction, in his scuffed up carhartts, sweatshirt, packers ballcap, with his coffee cup, lunch box and water jug, I kissed his neck and his cheek, no wait, one more, getting a whiff of his clean scent, and watched him walk to the car...got get 'em baby, I said, you look damn cute! that's my goal, he said....he still makes me giddy. but once the door was closed, I went to get a load of laundry in before my shower. and got busy on the dishes from last night's fettuccine alfredo....

outonalimb

First of all, I'm sorry for being such a drama queen. (that was the best drama queen smilie I could find). Dandylion, you were VERY encouraging. And I thank you for that! And so were alot of other people. I just glommed onto the negative and ran with it. And for that I truly apologize!!

I guess the negative posts screamed out at me because they cut right to my fear. My fear that I'm forever damaged goods because of this freaking disease known as codependence. Desite all my hard work, I know its entirely possible that I could mess up again and make a bad choice. And that scares me. Alot.

And yet, relationships are a gamble under the best of circumstances. There are no guarantees. It took me a rrreeeaaaallllllyyyyy long time to get up the courage to dip my toe into the dating pool again (8 years, in fact). I'm excited and scared all at the same time. And I think that's probably very normal. I just gotta keep my alanon tool box handy....and stick close to all of you!!

Hugs to all...

outonalimb

Anvil...you crack me up. And yet, you're spot on!! Funny and smart!! Great combination!!

dandylion

OH, outonalimb, all is forgiven, anyway! I thin k reentering the "arena" scares the HE** of of all of us!!!!!

dandylon

wicked

No, you are definitely not broken permanently. As long as I am alive there are choices to be made. Might make mostly good choices, but I do not believe I would ever be 100% on the mark.
Just as you have been through a painful process, it was also a great strengthening process, you have built up your "oh no, i will NOT put up with any of that foolishness!" muscle.
Your radar has been recalibrated to healthy, non addicted people.
The thing about the spark is, just wait a few minutes, days, weeks to check it out.
Using the word spark is difficult, because it makes it seem so short, like snap! and you missed your chance.
No, you didn't miss anything, you just didn't head to the bridal shop and the wallpaper store the same afternoon. (as dandylion put so well hehehehe)

Mary, you are a very nice, kind, thoughtful, loving and compassionate woman.
You will find your guy. No doubt in my mind at all.
Maybe keep yourself open to the quiet sparks, the sparklers instead of the M80's.

How about crackle crackle crackle pop? like a fireplace?
Instead of sharp light and KA-BOOM! like a thunderbolt.

Have any men chimed in on this thread?

I would like to hear what they think of this subject.

wicked

just use a little at a time. <snicker>

DesertEyes

I'm a guy, and I am definetly a sparker. You ever seen one of those old fashioned weddings? Where they string a half dozen tin cans behind the newly-weds car? As they drive off the cans make all kinds of noise and spark like crazy all the way down the street. I'm like one of those cans, bouncing blindly from one spark to another.

Lessee.... roller derby queen - major spark, ended up marrying her. Recovering trophy wife, _way_ too young for me and _way_ too tall - no matter, major spark. Biker chick with anger management issues, or to be more precise, lack of anger management - major spark, _almost_ married her. Navy diver chick with crew-cut and tatoos, also way too tall - still sparking. Hazmat chick, way too tall but at least my age - major spark.

My personal opinion is that there is nothing wrong with sparks. They make life, and dating, lots of fun. _My_ problem is that I am so busy looking at the lovely sparks I totally forget to look at the red flags. I believe people are a whole lot more complex than just sparks. My ex-wife was a lovely, caring, giving woman. She constantly went out of her way to help others. I _so_ loved that about her. At the same time, she is also a pill-addict, with all the negative stuff that comes with it.

One of the "gifts" of al-anon, and of SR, is that I am reminded that I have to look at the _whole_ person. One of my "character defects" is that I fantasize that the woman I am dating is _only_ the sparks, and therefore I should not bother to look for red flags. That is my "addiction" as an alanoid, I am "addicted" to fantasies.

As a guy I would translate some of the good wisdom on this thread as "Meet her kids _before_ you file adoption papers", "Find out her last name _before_ you buy her a new car". "Google _who_ killed her parents _before_ you teach her how to work a chain-saw".

Mike

lillamy

I think it's Ok to have a picker or one that needs recalibrating if you're aware of it and don't forget - as Mike said - to heed the red flags. That's how you recalibrate it.

I don't think you're forever damaged goods. Like you, outonalimb, one of my problems was that I did not know enough about alcoholism. I honestly did not know how horridly awful it could get - because he wasn't a homeless bum living under a bridge I somehow thought he had it under control.. With the knowledge I have now, I wouldn't have married George Clooney if he had been an alcoholic... Or even Johnny Depp!

Another one of my problems is that I am like a crazy cat lady with broken people. I think I was raised to find a purpose, be useful, and interpreted that as loving the unlovable and hurting.

I also tend to be attracted to Dark Mysterious Troubled Men.

I know that now. I can roll my eyes at myself. And I can look for something else. It's kind of like... I love rocky road ice cream. Always my first choice. But if I know that there's a risk the rocky road may have salmonella bacteria - why not try a new flavor!?

My life with my friend-turned-lover is not boring. There's plenty of spark - but it's a spark that comes out of love and safety, not out of strictly physical attraction and a sense of danger.

Hammer

After the crap we have been through, I would think plain old boring Mennonite type would look pretty attractive.

Jazzman

Uh.... yeah!

But don't listen to my opinion. I'm 8 years divorced from my qualifier, been on dozens of first dates and avoid the spark like it's the kiss of death. Prolly a knee jerk reaction in the opposite direction, but in all honesty I'm currently self imposed semi retired from all romantic relationships. I might change my mind later but for right now it's safer that way. I don't trust myself to handle the spark without getting burned.. again. And I'm just tired of getting burned. I get my thrills from diving.

choublak

Spark? What is that, like butterflies?

choublak

Mennonite? LOL where did that come from?

My RA uncle dated a Mennonite girl when he was still actively drinking. Didn't work out in the long run; she thought she was helping him but yeah we all know how that goes.

Jazzman

Not so much butterflies like anticipation or excitement, but electricity like instant unexplainable attraction associated with a complete loss of mental faculties and that primal instinct to procreate takes over. You know.. love, pheromones, emotions, evolution. LOL!!

Example: Skinny blond train wreck walks in to the room. Jazzmans future ex-wife radar pngs off the scale. Jazzmans close buddies remind him that any thoughts of another marriage will result in a intervention.

lillamy

Jazzman, my friends demanded to OK anyone I decided to date after my divorce. For a while there I was thinking arranged marriages might not be such a bad idea - if you could have your friends instead of your parents pick your spouse...

outonalimb

ha ha lillamy....
I almost pity the person I eventually 'bring home' to meet the family and introduce to friends. My family and friends have been encouraging me to 'get out' there for a long time now. On one hand I know they will be thrilled but on the other hand, lord help this guy as he undergoes their scrutiny. LOL. Perhaps I can bring him here too for a complete vetting process. LOL.

You guys rock.
thanks!!

Mary

Hammer

Just elope.

Hammer

This looks about sparky enough . . .

dandylion

Hammer, the photo is pretty fetching (looks like a gentle soul).

However---I am thinking Mrs. Doubtfire would be more appropriate...........what do you think

dandylion