Aeryn

Arggh. I know I've done the right thing. This post is all about my inner child reacting! I've finalized my situation with my AH - the legal separation is almost complete and I'm moving to my own place in less than two months (we have been living separately in joint properties but this place will be just mine with just my name on the lease). And there is a huge thud of reality to it - there is no backing down it's really done. And my inner child is going CRAZY. Nutty in fact. My emotions range from sad, back to angry (when drunk STBXAH calls), to happy (yay my own place) to scared (oh crap what if being single at almost 40 is worse!) etc.

For example - yesterday one of my insensitive (my perception only) friends who is super focused on having a "relationship" in her life emailed me and invited me to a housewarming with her new boyfriend and her happy new life...UM..NO I do not want to go. I politely declined but not without feeling a bunch of sadness and displaced anger at her....I feel she is unhealthy for me to be around. It's just a gut instinct but I feel like she is gawking at my situation rather than being truly supportive and likes to show off her great new "status". Yes that may be my 9 year old inner child talking (my home life was all about me being a failure as a kid) but I decided I don't care I'm not going to her housewarming and I'm going to keep her at a long "arms length" for a while.

Yesterday I almost backed out of the lease on my new place but thankfully I had one healthier friend who is going through a similar situation (he's not Alanon but it's a divorce due to his wife having other issues) and he talked me through it and I sent in the final deposit on the new place so I'm locked in.

My therapist told me the other day almost none of his clients actually follow through and move out - most stay in unhappy marriages for years and years...I know that was supposed to make me feel good (for actually taking a healthy step) but it made me feel jealous of all those people getting to keep their "images" of the happy life and marriage...almost like they got the easy way out and I feel I'm on the hard path....my inner child thinks this is so unfair! I know it's not necessarily true and is just a feeling but it is HARD. It reminds me of being a little kid having to sit at my seat at the dinner table until I cleared my plate vegatables and all - somtimes I was there HOURS after the dinner had cleared.

It's just so final...and I'm feeling an urge to back away from a lot of my old life - just feeling like I don't want to be judged by them....I know it's inner child stuff but part of it is due to me picking unhealthy friends.

Anyway...can anyone relate? I'm sad, happy, scared, pissed off, hopeful, positive and negative all at once...oh and of course worried I'll be alone forever (I know unrealistic).

unsureoffuture

I am in a similar situation about to serve my ADH with divorce papers. My emotions are a range as well, happy sad angry etc. I will miss my "image" but know its the right thing to do deep down. I think we have to tread through the hard part to eventually be happy. I also see why a lot of people stay. It's so much easier than facing the reality and actually moving on. How you feel about the deposit is how I feel about the lawyer retainer. I have filled out the paperwork but actually going to the office and handing over the check to get the ball rolling hasn't happened yet. I too am almost 40 and starting over. I never thought I would be here but from what I read, if we can just get through the tough part of separating/divorcing it will get easier and we will eventually find peace and happiness again. Best of luck moving... Sending you lots of strength and positive vibes. I keep reminding myself to just focus on today. One step at a time.

Aeryn

You can do it unsure!

Here's a confession - it took me MONTHS to get to the place of finding my new place - I started with just packing up, not knowing when or where I was going. Then I started "looking" at places on line and packing more. Then I told the STBXAH. Then FINALLY I got this place. My point is it's ok to do it in small steps.

BTW...the inner child stuff is something I'm working on in therapy - by channeling that kind of stuff I find it easier to feel my emotions and then my adult self and tell my inner child "you are an adult now and capable of handling these feelings by..." whatever it may be. Sometimes it helps just to get all those feelings out...I think it would be worse if we weren't feeling anything!

lillamy

YES I can relate. Inertia is a strong power. I think of a friend I had who was an ACOA - moved out and lived on her own when she was 15. When we were in our 20s, she dated dudes I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole - addicts one and all. I asked her why - and after thinking about it, she said "when you grow up in an alcoholic home, you know life is hell. So you choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar one."

I thought of that a lot when I was contemplating leaving AXH. That I was sort of in a similar spot. Everything was so hard in my everyday life; I was so depressed that many times I thought "well, who says it won't get worse if I leave?".

I can tell you that for me, the sense of freedom when I moved into my own place was amazing. I felt like I had been let out of prison and given a new lease on life. It's like I went from an aging fart waiting for retirement and death to excited and looking forward to my next adventure.

I feel so much younger and more alive.

Aeryn

Thanks for this! This is what I'm hoping for.


What you said about leaning towards the familiar is true - for me it wasn't so much that I chose the STBXAH but my inability to deal with my feelings about him - as I kid I was taught feelings were "bad" and anything I felt or said that questioned the "image" my mother was trying to present was "bad"....so I'm just now feeling for the first time in my life really...sometimes it can be very overwhelming. And I've repressed a lot so sometimes it comes out too fast and too hard.

One thing I do know for sure is you can't ever rely on someone else to fill voids from your childhood - you have to work through those before having any chance at a real relationship. Now that I'm aware that a lot of my feelings are my inner child screaming in pain, I'm able to have an inner talk with the child letting her know it will all be ok - I know it sounds weird but it does work...so I recognize all these feelings as being scared of going against the norm which in my childhood meant a barrage of verbal and emotional abuse along with being called crazy was coming. I'm learning to tell that inner child - you are OK you are an adult now and no one can put that on you anymore...you are in charge of your life now.