EverHopeful721

So glad you are feeling better today, Meercat!! You sound like you're in a really good place right now and that the 'fog' is starting to lift. Stay strong and keep going!!

fourmaggie

its ok to have bad days...self care is in need, they only get easier
stop being a HOSTAGE....and learn YOUR boundaries and learn the word NO

say it, over and over infront of the mirror and mean it....
it worked for me...words by my mother..wise woman she is...

MeercatManor

I went to see Oblivion. A movie with Tom Cruise in it. It's about the redemption of a hero who nearly leads alien invaders to victory over the earth. Tom Cruise gets a scratch on his nose that reminded me of the A. I got teary at the happy ending for about 39 seconds.

The A texted me again today. I stuck to one word answers. He lent me a good rifle with a scope that I'm using on beavers that are destroying my trees and he wants it back. I don't have the necessary permits to buy one of my own. It seems easier to keep it and I asked him if I could keep it indefinitely. No response...

Obviously the answer is to go through the rigmarole and get my own rifle. Sigh. The weekends are never long enough.

On another related topic, I got a text from the rebound man and he says he wants to be friends. He says I am the one who dumped him. I thought he dumped me because I wanted to see other men.

I am cautious all round. I feel under siege. I am a hostage until I am completely shed of the A. I see that now.

MeercatManor

Last night I went out with a friend of mine whom I've rarely seen with just her and me. In fact I can't remember just she and I going out together, hanging out, single ladies. In fact she is a good friend, always strong and always seemingly together, but she shared some surprising news about her life. She had a nearly a breakdown from her high stress job. People aren't always as they appear. Okay. Time for some honesty.

I know I said I am on this website to stop seeing the A. Well, it's more than that. Probably five years now I quit drinking. I don't recall why other than I was moving, and didn't see my friends a lot and broke up with a man and was drifting professionally. I smartened up and made a good life. I was wary of men but I've maintained friendships with men. I just didn't date much.

I decided to change that and went for a couple of weeks on Plenty of Fish and clicked with the A. I thought we fell in love, but apparently not. It started with us having a few drinks together. Three is my limit. But after a few months, probably 4 months into it, he started drinking more and more, and sometimes I would drink too and he'd never let me forget a certain silly incident. I wasn't doing anything that put me or another person at risk but I was really clumsy and drunk and he began making jokes about "the incident" that would make me squirm.

Okay, here's the point. I think me and the A are codependent. I have to stay away from him because he makes drinking so easy and mostly enjoyable. We've had a lot of fun together, and I have helped him come through a lot since his marriage broke up and he lost his excellent job. But he has done a lot of damage to my psyche. He is/was incredibly handsome. After 3 months apart, I saw how he has lost weight and looks tired. Because he is so far gone and far and away from how he was when we met I don't want him in my life anymore. But I miss him crazily.

When I was out with my friends last night, I thought having had 3 beer that I might call him. But I didn't. Thanks to my dear friend who shared with me her troubles.

I didn't have to say much to her for her to understand. I tend to keep my sadness to myself. By nature I am a caring and nurturing human being. But this website and you fine people are helping me stay strong. Please stay with me as I share my burden with you. I don't want to dwell on this part of my life that I've been trying to keep hidden. My sadness and cravings multiply when I think of him. I hope to keep this on the website and only think of him when I'm posting or reading this site.

Thanks to you all, so far it seems to be working. I am forgetting all about him. And enjoying the attention of the rebound man again. He keeps texting me and it cheers me up. I just can't use him to forget the A. That doesn't seem fair to this genuine and forthright man. If only I can keep it on the friendship level. I don't want to tell him about the A.

I am scared at how close I was to calling the A last night.

dandylion

Wow, MeerCat!! You have put together a good plan for navigating the grief over the A.

Very wise of you not to just leap at a possible "rebound" relationship. You seem aware of how these patterns repeat themselves if we don't get to know ourselves and understand our own needs/motivations better.

Have you done much reading or work on co-dependency??

dandylion

Wow, MeerCat!! You have put together a good plan for navigating the grief over the A.

Very wise of you not to just leap at a possible "rebound" relationship. You seem aware of how these patterns repeat themselves if we don't get to know ourselves and understand our own needs/motivations better.

Have you done much reading or work on co-dependency??

dandylion

MeercatManor

I haven't read much on codependency lately other than what is on this site. I will check out what I can find. Thanks dandylion.

dandylion

MeerCat, you can get Melody Beattie's books on Amazon.com. They are literally the "Bible" on co-dependency. "Co-dependent, No More" is a good one to start with. It may change how you look at everything---as it has for so many others. (get the used one, cheap).

dandylion

MeercatManor

Hello. I had an enjoyable evening, quiet and by myself and I didn't have the urge to call the A. Not once. I just sat and watched for the beaver. I think I may have got the last one. (I remember the first time I shot a beaver and I had to lie down for several minutes. It's a tough job but it's like getting rid of the A. ha ha. Sorry, animal lovers.)


I haven't sorted everything out yet and I am referring to my action-plan to rid myself of the A. But I am getting a new rifle for my varmint problem and will be able to return his rifle. I won't actually see him to get it back to him. I will leave it with his daughter.

I haven't picked up the Beattie book yet.

I am seeing my new friend, the rebound man. We went for a coffee. He had been terribly hurt when I told him I wanted to see other men and he admitted yesterday it was mostly his pride. I hope we can be friends but he told me that he is still attracted to me. He would like to be friends and at the same time is scared we will drift into a sexual relationship again.
I told him we're both grown-ups, we can be friends and we can see how it goes. I told him I would call him and if he wants to see me that would be okay.

I hope we can keep seeing each other. I hope I don't screw up again. I am attracted to this man, but as I told him, I don't want to jump into another sexual relationship. We, or one of us will end up getting attached and neither of us want to be in that situation again. He got used to me when we were together before. I could tell he has had serious second thoughts about seeing me again and is scared to see me again and he's almost certain I will hurt him. I hope there is no harm in this friendship. I will give him time to relax and think about it. Sigh.

AnvilheadII

you're already seeing somebody ELSE? and you even give him the title Rebound Guy???? a man can't fix your man problem.......you can barely keep yourself from contacting the OTHER one!!!! I don't think you are doing yourself or this other person ANY favors by "using" him to distract you from the LAST one. have you considered staying single for a while and getting yourself straightened out first??? maybe buy that book?

MeercatManor

You got me! I have had a dysfunctional relationship. He is a rebound man. I need to heal. But I've had enough of thinking of there is sure to be a lot of doom and gloom in my future. I don't need a man to complete me. That's certain.

I can and will hold myself together, and as cobbled as I am, just face it, I am like most people. I will have trouble with temptation again. It may not be with this gentleman, it may be! Will this friendship last? I don't know. This man is a gentleman and I am not going to settle for anything less than an equitable and fair relationship with him. Easy does it, and step-by-step.

Will he eventually trust me again? Time will tell. We tried before and I found the relationship smothering. Will I be sorry I am seeing him again? Time will tell. I am in no hurry.

I expect I will always remember the A and his lies and how I tried to save him, but I will also remember how sad and pathetic we were together. How sad and pathetic I was for being with him. I never want to go through that again.

I will keep you posted on my progress. I take it that I shouldn't keep my hopes up for approval on this development.

Best wishes, and thanks for the warning(s.) I will keep it in mind.

AnvilheadII

how many laps around the track has it been now with these two men?
kind of makes me think of the old video game Pong where the little ball bounces back and forth.

what's the rush anyways? why MUST you immediately fill the space with somebody else? you said last time with THIS guy, rebound guy, you felt smothered. you said last time with addict guy you felt sad and pathetic.

MeercatManor

Hello there,

This is a place where it can be risky to post your innermost thoughts.

I've been reading other people's threads and feel bad for Crazed when he reacted to a FB issue, where a friend noticed his EXAG had liked his friend's photo and he felt sucked back in. However he felt his reaction was belittled on this site when he mentioned this trigger.

There will come a time when you don't react to these triggers.

My last trigger to the A is his rifle that I have been using and meaning to return to his daughter. I pick up my new rifle on Thursday. Hurrah for Meercat!

Because the A is so far from my working and social life I don't have too many triggers! If I find something makes me think of him, I think, oh that thought again. Sigh. And I move on.

I forget my point about FB other than to say I am lucky my friends unfriended him when I sent a one-liner about his cheating. The new man in my life is not on FB. He doesn't even have an account.

On the subject of me being a codependent personality, he says I clam up when he feels he's opened up a sensitive subject. I admit I am that way. I am skilled at my work, where often I deal with distractions by bringing people back to the task at hand. I am too professional at doing this in my personal life! It comes from being raised by an ADD mother.

I've been working on my tendency to dismiss all problems in the same way for many years, from the first time I looked at ADD and started to apply it to my own life and work.

Conversely to the A, my new man does not have ADD. He is quite structured and very caring and sensitive. He's very safety-minded in a practical way. I feel comfortable in the safety-culture. Though we text, we've made a pact to discuss any areas where we feel there might be issues.

It is slow going for me. But it is healing and a joy to have a caring and decent man in my life. No smothering feeling this time. We were moving too fast those last "laps" we made!

Jad3d

I hate to think anyone feels belittled on here, but it's worth noting most, if not all, on here are accustomed to doling out tough love instead of "there, there, aww" mentality.

I'm concerned for you and this rebound man. I think if you really care about you and him, you need to take a step back and explore a friendship first. You have already been through so much, explored this road and didn't like what this man was offering. That might be because you're not in the right space. So give yourself time to heal and get back to a good place in yourself before you bring somebody else into it.

It's like inviting someone over when your house is messy and cluttered, and you're still in your pjs. You may have a welcome mat at the front door, but the inside tells a different story. Wait until you're "dressed" and your "house" is tidy before you let someone in. Otherwise we tend to attract the wrong sorts of guests. Focus on you, not on a new "us". Sometimes those new relationships distract us from working on the relationship with ourselves.

MeercatManor

I see the new man on Saturday when he is coming over for the evening. I am having a garage sale that day, and all this is to say it is exhausting.

I got some texts from the A and he is saying he is moving and offered to help buy a rifle. I went into a little panic at that. I miss his competency with firearms and his gracefulness. I was nuts about this man once. And it is painful to hear from him. I wonder if he is still drinking and want to ask but I am not going to inquire. I blocked him from my FB. I have subtracted the pain of daily contact. I shut off my phone.

But, again, the problem is I left the door open a crack.

I remember his lies. I have been rereading my journal and I am struck with how my feelings haven't changed. The disappointment and pain is still there. I also remember the euphoria of times we were together out in nature and I miss him sometimes when I am outside.

I wonder if I will ever feel the joy I once felt ever again.

honeypig

Maybe not--but you will most assuredly feel a new and different kind of joy that you can't even imagine right now.

Ever heard the saying about how when one door closes, another opens? I believe it's true, however hard it might be to see at this moment.

There are amazing things awaiting you in your future.

MeercatManor

My supervisor looked over my statistics and her comment was that they are the best she has seen in years! My eyes got watery at that and my heart still aches. I should be celebrating my success. I have felt like a failure and a loser, but here is some proof of exactly the opposite.

Okay people, I am the kind of person who thinks before I speak and at the same time I am very spontaneous in my emotions. My face is very mobile (I have seen in videos) and I am easy to read for those who "know where I'm coming from." I am nice. And I am told I am kind but can be ruthless. I am the kind of person who doesn't give up but at the same time, I don't suffer fools! I try to do my best! At times I am prone to grandiose plans.

I am human. I still hurt. I took a week off work after I broke up with the A. My knee, which is perfectly fine now, hurt so bad. The pain was almost unbearable. I had such painful cramps in my leg, I could have howled at times. It hurt so bad I couldn't think and couldn't work. But it passed: I used a muscle relaxant that loosened the muscle long enough for me to heal. My body was sending me a message. I never want to feel that agony again.

I've always recognised that I do what I have to do in order to survive. The A is not the first time I've felt pain and survived. But life is more than just surviving. I will be happy again. I just need time.

MeercatManor

The A just texted me he is coming to my house. I told him no repeatedly. I told him not to be the bad guy and he said he is a good man, and that he is more tolerant than most men. He says he isn't angry and that he loves me and doesn't wish me harm.

I don't want to talk to him. I have to work in the morning. I am locking my doors and hoping he was only making idle talk.

MeercatManor

oh. Now he says he was bringing me to his family reunion and introducing me to his kids but that I ran like a jackrabbit. (true)

And now he's changed him mind about coming here. I am so relieved. My heart is racing.

He is so manipulative. I've never seen anything like it. It's unbelievable the drama is so cheesy.

MeercatManor

Now he says he's breaking up with me. This is surreal. umm yeah, we already have? gee.