I broke up with him before, and I can do it again. This time I'll do it right.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Staying sober for 6 months and working a program for 6 months are two entirely different concepts. I assume this is a grown adult that you are worried over his chronic low financial situation and now his transportation challenges. Since those are clearly not your responsibility or problem but you are somehow borrowing that trouble, I recommend you check out some recovery program such as Al-anon for yourself for, say, 6 months.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
The silence is dragging on already. But what's new about that?
He says quitting drinking has never been a problem for him. I don't believe him. No one has experiences like he has had and not have a problem with quitting drinking.
For example, being left stranded overnight out-of-town by drinking buddies. Being driven home in a drunken state early in the evening by the police. Being attacked outside a bar after hours. Losing a job and not saying exactly why. Getting calls and emails from women he claims are chasing him. Not being home because he was driving a woman back to her car that she left at a bar.
Getting a DUI after 3 beers and being broadsided by a drunken driver. Never having money for things like clothes or essentials for work. Or even food.
I don't believe him. I have to remember that most of what he says around his drinking is probably a lie.
Drinking is why he is so secretive. And uncommunicative. He prefers texting to a phone call.
So time is dragging on, and so is his silence. Nothing new about it.
I have to stay strong. I will not give in to his manipulation and lies.
For example, being left stranded overnight out-of-town by drinking buddies. Being driven home in a drunken state early in the evening by the police. Being attacked outside a bar after hours. Losing a job and not saying exactly why. Getting calls and emails from women he claims are chasing him. Not being home because he was driving a woman back to her car that she left at a bar.
Getting a DUI after 3 beers and being broadsided by a drunken driver. Never having money for things like clothes or essentials for work. Or even food.
I don't believe him. I have to remember that most of what he says around his drinking is probably a lie.
Drinking is why he is so secretive. And uncommunicative. He prefers texting to a phone call.
So time is dragging on, and so is his silence. Nothing new about it.
I have to stay strong. I will not give in to his manipulation and lies.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Summerpeach 
A year sober does not make an addiction "cured" Most of them become worse way before they become better.
Staying sober for a year (and becoming less self-centered during that time) is what I would consider a bare MINIMUM to even consider a long-term relationship with an alcoholic in recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
It is done.
Okay, I feel okay. It is safe to let him go now. I learned my lesson. I kept a journal of the first part of the relationship and I will reread my lessons learned from this handsome and intelligent man. This time, I have found this website, this resource, and you wise people and I can think with a new prospective. This is no plentyoffish place. That website was a huge mistake for me, I knew that almost immediately, and certainly know it now. I know that sometimes I will feel foolish and maybe angry again. And lonely. But I went into this relationship with my eyes open this time. Some of the lies I still have to unravel. But I believe him when he said I am his best friend.
This pain and what has happened must be the price of admission to loving and pursuing a man who was damaged and unattainable. I was sure I was done paying. But I had to know, and so I went back to him to find out if the first part of what we had was an illusion. He told me it wasn't all an illusion, that he loved me but was too messed up to act on it, and that he wanted (or wants) to try again.
He texts me that I will see him next March then.
Maybe he'll be a better man. But then, that is sentimental. He had this terrible baggage long before we met. As said, he has this pall of alcoholism.
This pain and what has happened must be the price of admission to loving and pursuing a man who was damaged and unattainable. I was sure I was done paying. But I had to know, and so I went back to him to find out if the first part of what we had was an illusion. He told me it wasn't all an illusion, that he loved me but was too messed up to act on it, and that he wanted (or wants) to try again.
He texts me that I will see him next March then.
Maybe he'll be a better man. But then, that is sentimental. He had this terrible baggage long before we met. As said, he has this pall of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bristol, UK
Posts: 33
I know that you are doing the right thing. He says he does not have a problem in giving up drinking!! Oh I wish you could have heard the laughter here when I heard those words!! How many times did I try to convince people of that myself. I would not drink for a weekend, a week, a month, even 3 months once, just to prove how easy it was for me... but as soon as the prescribed period was up,, I was up and at that bottle as hard as ever. Within a few days I was back where I started. Dramatic gestures of pouring the stuff down the drain in front of my wife... it all counted for nothing in the end because although I felt sincere at the time the demon, not me was in control. The voice of the addict in me shouted louder than the voice of reason, and the addict is a liar and a cheat who will stop at nothing to continue to feed the habit. Even if that destroys the lives of all around them and even destroys themselves too.
The best thing that my wife ever did for me AND for herself was recognise that she could do no more. She could not help me stop drinking. I was killing her too, and the children. She left!! She saved my life and I have told her so!!
The best thing that my wife ever did for me AND for herself was recognise that she could do no more. She could not help me stop drinking. I was killing her too, and the children. She left!! She saved my life and I have told her so!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
He "broke up with his wife". Really?! For all of you with a lying alcoholic who tells a woe-is-me story about their horrible, crazy, unsympathetic wives - phhttt. I don't think you are getting it all, dear.
Probably more like, his poor wife that he lied to and cheated on and manipulated for a long, long time - just like he is doing to you. Maybe if you can think of yourself as just one of many women he has used and manipulated and threatened to kill himself over and his current only real best friend ever until he finds someone else in a few weeks, you will think differently about his great need for you and only you.
He is using you. He will replace you. If you go back to him he will think you are an idiot. And use you some more.
Sorry, just coming out of an 18 year marriage with an incredibly selfish and pathetic alcoholic. Our teenagers find his messages on their computers sometimes, because he set their computers up I guess. He has abandoned them virtually, ignores child support payments, and is after one woman and then another, telling them his woe-is-me stories and spending the money the children should have on taking them out and sleeping with them on my former bed.
You are special, but not because this horrible jerk tells you so.
Try to create a real picture in your head of all of the years he tortured the beautiful woman that was his wife and then went on doing the same thing to other women along the way. Rethink everything he told you and rewrite everything he told you with the likely truth. And know that you probably don't know the half of it.
Probably more like, his poor wife that he lied to and cheated on and manipulated for a long, long time - just like he is doing to you. Maybe if you can think of yourself as just one of many women he has used and manipulated and threatened to kill himself over and his current only real best friend ever until he finds someone else in a few weeks, you will think differently about his great need for you and only you.
He is using you. He will replace you. If you go back to him he will think you are an idiot. And use you some more.
Sorry, just coming out of an 18 year marriage with an incredibly selfish and pathetic alcoholic. Our teenagers find his messages on their computers sometimes, because he set their computers up I guess. He has abandoned them virtually, ignores child support payments, and is after one woman and then another, telling them his woe-is-me stories and spending the money the children should have on taking them out and sleeping with them on my former bed.
You are special, but not because this horrible jerk tells you so.
Try to create a real picture in your head of all of the years he tortured the beautiful woman that was his wife and then went on doing the same thing to other women along the way. Rethink everything he told you and rewrite everything he told you with the likely truth. And know that you probably don't know the half of it.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by MeercatManor
But I believe him when he said I am his best friend.
.
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Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by MeercatManor
I say, stay sober for 6 months, (sorry, not a year) and then we will see if we can try to have an equitable relationship. I only hope I can be strong and stay away from him. I always have the urge to help him and be there for him.
Unfortunately he is chronically low on cash, even before he wrecked his knee at work.
And now having lost his drivers' licence, he's going to have trouble getting around town.
Ah, his reply "have a good life, my sweet." And "he is trying to have an equitable relationship with me." ha. My bank account says different.
Unfortunately he is chronically low on cash, even before he wrecked his knee at work.
And now having lost his drivers' licence, he's going to have trouble getting around town.
Ah, his reply "have a good life, my sweet." And "he is trying to have an equitable relationship with me." ha. My bank account says different.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
I am home from a good day's work. I have a lot on my plate at work, every day. People depend on me. I am forced by necessity to prioritize at all times.
I have done well this past evaluation period at work. I am trying not to dwell on my ex and have read this website for over two hours, thinking. Second time around with this guy, he was draining me spiritually, physically, financially and emotionally. It galls me that I was being dragged down. It is only because my mom is ill and that my routines at home were falling away that I came to my senses.
I find comfort in my decision to be alone and to think. And to realize my responsibilities to myself. It is the right time for me to focus on me again. I am doing okay today.
I have done well this past evaluation period at work. I am trying not to dwell on my ex and have read this website for over two hours, thinking. Second time around with this guy, he was draining me spiritually, physically, financially and emotionally. It galls me that I was being dragged down. It is only because my mom is ill and that my routines at home were falling away that I came to my senses.
I find comfort in my decision to be alone and to think. And to realize my responsibilities to myself. It is the right time for me to focus on me again. I am doing okay today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Running my brain too long
I've been thinking too hard about all this, and am ready to call it a night. I just noticed the time. I've been sitting outside for about two hours, listening to the ducks and looking at the water tonight. He texted me that he misses me. Now I've got the blues. And I am angry all over again at how he disrespects my decision to end it with him. What a waste of time all this thinking is.
It's really very simple to break up with a man and to insist on no contact.
It's really very simple to break up with a man and to insist on no contact.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
I appreciate where everyone on here is coming from but here's an idea - try to say as little as possible. Don't tell him "if an a year, if in 6 months..." - not because it will give him false hope, but because it gives you false hope. Our minds play funny tricks on us and if we're on the codependent rollercoaster, we will say to ourselves, just 1 year, just 6 months and soon our resolve is gone and we're lucky to stay away for 6 hours.
Low on cash? Wrecked his knee? Lost his licence? All I see here are his problems, don't let them become yours. Try thinking about your issues and your resolutions, not his. Don't think "aw he's going to have trouble, I feel so bad" He is going to have trouble without you, sure. But he is having trouble with you too. You can't live his life for him, and by trying to be there to pick him up all the time, you only enable his bad behaviour.
I know this is going to be so hard, I have been where you are more than I care to count. BUT I will say, the day you learn to truly love and accept yourself is the day you will stop loving and accepting those who are unworthy.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping you find strength here, like I did. *hugs*
Low on cash? Wrecked his knee? Lost his licence? All I see here are his problems, don't let them become yours. Try thinking about your issues and your resolutions, not his. Don't think "aw he's going to have trouble, I feel so bad" He is going to have trouble without you, sure. But he is having trouble with you too. You can't live his life for him, and by trying to be there to pick him up all the time, you only enable his bad behaviour.
I know this is going to be so hard, I have been where you are more than I care to count. BUT I will say, the day you learn to truly love and accept yourself is the day you will stop loving and accepting those who are unworthy.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping you find strength here, like I did. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by MeercatManor
I've been thinking too hard about all this, and am ready to call it a night. I just noticed the time. I've been sitting outside for about two hours, listening to the ducks and looking at the water tonight. He texted me that he misses me. Now I've got the blues. And I am angry all over again at how he disrespects my decision to end it with him. What a waste of time all this thinking is.
It's really very simple to break up with a man and to insist on no contact.
It's really very simple to break up with a man and to insist on no contact.
Stay strong, don't be alone - embrace support and stay away from the darkness. It will only make you more sad. The next time he messages you saying he misses you, I want you to make it about you. He says he misses you? Say out loud with a smile, "of course he misses me, I'm a hell of a catch!" and then let it go. You need to remember that you are a loving person worthy of love and that he cannot give you what you need - BUT SOMEONE ELSE CAN - and first and foremost - that person is YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Thanks Jad3d
I am glad to read your post this morning. I will seek out company then, and jump back into my routines. I am an attractive woman. I know this and I love myself. I long to go out with my friends again. I need to work on my writing again. I am adding people back into my life instead of subtracting them. Shame is a powerful emotion. My friends are probably wondering where I've been, maybe they guess I was back with him again. I'm a busy person, covering for myself and have lied by omission about being back with the A.
In the interim of the period I had first broken up with the A, I actually had a brief relationship with a man with a good career and his own home and assets. This other man wanted me in his life and I made a point of mentioning him to my friends and family, but as wonderful as it was that this man found me attractive, and everything he did for me, I had to force myself to respond in a sensible way. "Go out, have fun" I tell myself! It will be a good way to forget the A. I am a good catch. This other man was addiction-free and fell for me hard. It is hard being on the receiving end of someone's admiration. It is smothering when that person, all considered, is not right for you! We broke up when I said I wanted to see other men, and I left that relationship intending to play the field. My good intentions went awry when I slept with the A again.
I miss the A, even now as I contemplate going out with my friends or seeing other men. Never mind, I tell myself. I should do what I want and need to do. I don't need to tell my friends about this slip up! I'm going to go out this weekend and in the meantime I will get my gardening and housework done. Spring is here!
Thank you for your encouragement and understanding. I am aware of the co-dependency issues I have and will be careful this time. I will ignore the A and not respond to his texts.
Thanks to everyone who has posted responses to my difficulties and temptations.
In the interim of the period I had first broken up with the A, I actually had a brief relationship with a man with a good career and his own home and assets. This other man wanted me in his life and I made a point of mentioning him to my friends and family, but as wonderful as it was that this man found me attractive, and everything he did for me, I had to force myself to respond in a sensible way. "Go out, have fun" I tell myself! It will be a good way to forget the A. I am a good catch. This other man was addiction-free and fell for me hard. It is hard being on the receiving end of someone's admiration. It is smothering when that person, all considered, is not right for you! We broke up when I said I wanted to see other men, and I left that relationship intending to play the field. My good intentions went awry when I slept with the A again.
I miss the A, even now as I contemplate going out with my friends or seeing other men. Never mind, I tell myself. I should do what I want and need to do. I don't need to tell my friends about this slip up! I'm going to go out this weekend and in the meantime I will get my gardening and housework done. Spring is here!
Thank you for your encouragement and understanding. I am aware of the co-dependency issues I have and will be careful this time. I will ignore the A and not respond to his texts.
Thanks to everyone who has posted responses to my difficulties and temptations.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
We are all here because we have all been in the same position you are in right now.
You say you miss the A, but really think about what you are missing. You miss the memory of A, not who he is now. You have to base your thoughts and feelings on that reality, because your ideal will keep you trapped.
I prefer to think of "slip-ups" as "learnings". There is no point in beating yourself up, we will all do things and wonder what made us do it - why did we give in? It's common to see threads on here with the title " Why do I keep getting sucked in?" I, myself, wrote the same thing and truly felt like I Had completely lost my sanity.
And I had! I wasn't getting sucked in. I was making a choice to believe his promises over his actions, and to only see him in black and white. He was either all good, or all bad. When he was good, I forgot the alcoholism/drugs, the nasty things he would say and do... because that fit my reality. That was the reality I needed. But when he was back on the alcohol and treating me like cr@p, he was all bad. There was no in between.
What made the difference is when I began to see the two together, and weigh them up. It wasn't alcohol taking over my beautiful man and he had the potential to be so much more - it was "My partner is an alcoholic and he chooses this sickness over me". So as much as he could be all those wonderful things, I would have to suffer a lifetime of "**** and sugar" and the **** was more than I could stand. My life had become a toilet, instead of a sugar bowl.
So yes, I missed him... Interestingly, I still miss every addict or abusive man that came in to my life. But I let that feeling wash over me, question if it's helpful, apply the lessons I learned and then I let that feeling go.
I told my friends when I slipped up, but only my closest friend - and only because I needed to see that disapproving look on their faces. I needed to understand that I was in an abnormal and unhealthy situation and that going back wasn't helping my cause.
You don't have to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing, but secrets only lead to more secrets and sometimes you need someone to say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" because we become immune to the pain and see it as normal. "Our relationship is fine, he just slipped up, he just had a few too many, he said he was sorry". It's during the "desperately try to make up for being a lousy alcoholic" part of the cycle that we are at our most vulnerable. If we have friends there for us who remind us of how AWESOME we are and laugh with us, spend time with us and don't make excuses for his behaviour, we might not be so inclined to make excuses.
YOU are a good catch. You say it and you probably mean it, but deep down you hold on to hope that he is too. He's not. He's a big bag of alcoholism and issues.
I am sensing that you didn't feel comfortable with the "nice guy" because he was so far out of left field from your "normal" guy. No, he might not have been the one, but he was a big step up from your A. After all the destruction this A has wreaked on your psyche, you subconsciously question this guy's motives. Why is he being so nice? Why does he love you? Why does he find you attractive? Why would a nice, normal guy be interested in my baggage???? You broke up with him because you intended to play the field, but instead you went back to your former pastures, not because they were greener but because they were safer - anything is when it's surrounded by a cage.
You may not be ready to see other men, so don't push yourself. You need to work on yourself - rebuild your friendships, buy a new outfit, get your hair and nails done - make yourself feel beautiful. Let a man come in to your life, don't consider seeing other men until you have settled back in to you, in to your skin, in to your life.
Let a man complement you, not complete you.
NC is so hard, I have been there. Think of him as a pesky telemarketer - he is trying to sell you something that you're not interested in buying. Delete his texts before reading them, if you read them - you will respond (maybe not with a message) but your heart will race, your head will pound, your palms will get clammy and you'll think to yourself "If only". Beware the "Ifs" ."Beware the jabberwock, my son. The jaws that bite, the claws that clatch"). <--- -This right here is the perfect analogy for As. They bite and they hold on, sucking you of everything.
I'm rambling a tad now, but I guess what I really wanted to say is:
You are worth it.
Look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman staring back at you.
She might look sad, maybe a little broken - but she's not.
She's the same woman she was before the A, she just has a few scars.
She might look tired, but it's nothing a good sleep won't fix.
She might look scared. Stare at her and say "Don't be afraid of happiness"
I used to use this mantra and I still do sometimes:
You are a beautiful, intelligent woman and are worthy of love & acceptance. Today will be a good day
Wow - long post, my apologies! Stay strong, MeercatManor *hugs*
You say you miss the A, but really think about what you are missing. You miss the memory of A, not who he is now. You have to base your thoughts and feelings on that reality, because your ideal will keep you trapped.
I prefer to think of "slip-ups" as "learnings". There is no point in beating yourself up, we will all do things and wonder what made us do it - why did we give in? It's common to see threads on here with the title " Why do I keep getting sucked in?" I, myself, wrote the same thing and truly felt like I Had completely lost my sanity.
And I had! I wasn't getting sucked in. I was making a choice to believe his promises over his actions, and to only see him in black and white. He was either all good, or all bad. When he was good, I forgot the alcoholism/drugs, the nasty things he would say and do... because that fit my reality. That was the reality I needed. But when he was back on the alcohol and treating me like cr@p, he was all bad. There was no in between.
What made the difference is when I began to see the two together, and weigh them up. It wasn't alcohol taking over my beautiful man and he had the potential to be so much more - it was "My partner is an alcoholic and he chooses this sickness over me". So as much as he could be all those wonderful things, I would have to suffer a lifetime of "**** and sugar" and the **** was more than I could stand. My life had become a toilet, instead of a sugar bowl.
So yes, I missed him... Interestingly, I still miss every addict or abusive man that came in to my life. But I let that feeling wash over me, question if it's helpful, apply the lessons I learned and then I let that feeling go.
I told my friends when I slipped up, but only my closest friend - and only because I needed to see that disapproving look on their faces. I needed to understand that I was in an abnormal and unhealthy situation and that going back wasn't helping my cause.
You don't have to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing, but secrets only lead to more secrets and sometimes you need someone to say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" because we become immune to the pain and see it as normal. "Our relationship is fine, he just slipped up, he just had a few too many, he said he was sorry". It's during the "desperately try to make up for being a lousy alcoholic" part of the cycle that we are at our most vulnerable. If we have friends there for us who remind us of how AWESOME we are and laugh with us, spend time with us and don't make excuses for his behaviour, we might not be so inclined to make excuses.
YOU are a good catch. You say it and you probably mean it, but deep down you hold on to hope that he is too. He's not. He's a big bag of alcoholism and issues.
I am sensing that you didn't feel comfortable with the "nice guy" because he was so far out of left field from your "normal" guy. No, he might not have been the one, but he was a big step up from your A. After all the destruction this A has wreaked on your psyche, you subconsciously question this guy's motives. Why is he being so nice? Why does he love you? Why does he find you attractive? Why would a nice, normal guy be interested in my baggage???? You broke up with him because you intended to play the field, but instead you went back to your former pastures, not because they were greener but because they were safer - anything is when it's surrounded by a cage.
You may not be ready to see other men, so don't push yourself. You need to work on yourself - rebuild your friendships, buy a new outfit, get your hair and nails done - make yourself feel beautiful. Let a man come in to your life, don't consider seeing other men until you have settled back in to you, in to your skin, in to your life.
Let a man complement you, not complete you.
NC is so hard, I have been there. Think of him as a pesky telemarketer - he is trying to sell you something that you're not interested in buying. Delete his texts before reading them, if you read them - you will respond (maybe not with a message) but your heart will race, your head will pound, your palms will get clammy and you'll think to yourself "If only". Beware the "Ifs" ."Beware the jabberwock, my son. The jaws that bite, the claws that clatch"). <--- -This right here is the perfect analogy for As. They bite and they hold on, sucking you of everything.
I'm rambling a tad now, but I guess what I really wanted to say is:
You are worth it.
Look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman staring back at you.
She might look sad, maybe a little broken - but she's not.
She's the same woman she was before the A, she just has a few scars.
She might look tired, but it's nothing a good sleep won't fix.
She might look scared. Stare at her and say "Don't be afraid of happiness"
I used to use this mantra and I still do sometimes:
You are a beautiful, intelligent woman and are worthy of love & acceptance. Today will be a good day
Wow - long post, my apologies! Stay strong, MeercatManor *hugs*
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
Go to therapy if you have to to end it.
QUOTE=MeercatManor;3984738]Hello Everyone, I am a new poster, obviously. I am a 48 year old woman and have had the urge to change my life. My relationship is from plentyoffish (POF), and my boyfriend is a man I used to work with years ago who broke up with his wife. He is a drinker. He's also a good man with a lot of potential and charm. I have been seeing him for over a year and have had a lot of heartache and pain. He's done so many things that have hurt me and I've tried to break up with him before but I keep worrying about him. He's talked about committing suicide and that has stopped me from making the final break. I broke up with him back in February and I'd been checking up on him surreptitiously on FB and POF and recently he contacted me when he got a DUI and wrecked his truck. He promised he would be a real boyfriend to me and spoke of our future together. Finally, it seemed, I would get what I used to want so badly with all my heart. But now that we're back together I find it's exactly like before. Only worse because I know this relationship will never work. Please help me stop seeing this guy. He is bad news. He is secretive and he sees other women (so-called friends,) and although he is trying anti-depressants it doesn't seem to be helping our relationship. Please help me! I don't want to be involved with this man, but I can't seem to help myself. It's pathetic, really. I can't tell my real friends I am back with him. I am so ashamed, even though no one knows the half of it. So, in a nutshell, that's why I am here on this website. To read and respond to other posts in order to help myself. I know I am going to need help. Thanks everyone who responds.[/QUOTE]
Go to therapy if you have to to end it.
QUOTE=MeercatManor;3984738]Hello Everyone, I am a new poster, obviously. I am a 48 year old woman and have had the urge to change my life. My relationship is from plentyoffish (POF), and my boyfriend is a man I used to work with years ago who broke up with his wife. He is a drinker. He's also a good man with a lot of potential and charm. I have been seeing him for over a year and have had a lot of heartache and pain. He's done so many things that have hurt me and I've tried to break up with him before but I keep worrying about him. He's talked about committing suicide and that has stopped me from making the final break. I broke up with him back in February and I'd been checking up on him surreptitiously on FB and POF and recently he contacted me when he got a DUI and wrecked his truck. He promised he would be a real boyfriend to me and spoke of our future together. Finally, it seemed, I would get what I used to want so badly with all my heart. But now that we're back together I find it's exactly like before. Only worse because I know this relationship will never work. Please help me stop seeing this guy. He is bad news. He is secretive and he sees other women (so-called friends,) and although he is trying anti-depressants it doesn't seem to be helping our relationship. Please help me! I don't want to be involved with this man, but I can't seem to help myself. It's pathetic, really. I can't tell my real friends I am back with him. I am so ashamed, even though no one knows the half of it. So, in a nutshell, that's why I am here on this website. To read and respond to other posts in order to help myself. I know I am going to need help. Thanks everyone who responds.[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Jad3d
YOU are a good catch....but deep down you hold on to hope that he is too. He's not. He's a big bag of alcoholism and issues.
Let a man come in to your life, don't consider seeing other men until you have settled back in to you, in to your skin, in to your life.
Let a man complement you, not complete you.
You are worth it.
Look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman staring back at you.
She might look sad, maybe a little broken - but she's not.
She's the same woman she was before the A, she just has a few scars.
She might look tired, but it's nothing a good sleep won't fix.
She might look scared. Stare at her and say "Don't be afraid of happiness"
You are a beautiful, intelligent woman and are worthy of love & acceptance. Today will be a good day
Let a man come in to your life, don't consider seeing other men until you have settled back in to you, in to your skin, in to your life.
Let a man complement you, not complete you.
You are worth it.
Look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman staring back at you.
She might look sad, maybe a little broken - but she's not.
She's the same woman she was before the A, she just has a few scars.
She might look tired, but it's nothing a good sleep won't fix.
She might look scared. Stare at her and say "Don't be afraid of happiness"
You are a beautiful, intelligent woman and are worthy of love & acceptance. Today will be a good day
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1
thank you all
I have read each comment and totally understand how difficult letting go is. I am struggling with my decision to end a 8 year relationship with my a xfiance. The fantasy relationship is what I lived with.... not reality. Reality was sad and scary. I believed him when he said he loves me and will stay sober. I still do sometimes. That's why I kept going back. Everyone ...and I mean everyone tells me I deserve more and should not settle. That I deserve to be happy. I wish I felt that and could stop thinking about him and thinking about going back. He had 180 days sober in Aa but did not have a sponcer and was a dry drunk. He had a slip he said. I left for what I hope is the last time. Maybe if he gets it and stays sober and works the program...we could be together. I still love him. I'm a mess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Being Strong
Holy crow, I went out and had a good evening, socializing and eating, visiting my mom and sitting by the water by myself for over two hours and enjoying the evening. Friends and community, family and nature. A little bit of "if only" and mostly thinking about the evening. (I used to relish evenings like this with the A.) Now set with my clothes for tomorrow. But I'm awake. I cannot imagine trying to have a good life with the A, not when Life is so good without him.
In response to advice, my first break-up with the A, I did delete his texts without reading them. "Treat him like a pesky telemarketer" was the advice. I have little tolerance for telemarketers. I confess, I used to practice a cruelty on telemarketers by "making kills." I would say such things as "did your mother dream of you becoming a telemarketer" and other remarks until the telemarketer would hang up. That would be "a kill." Not so nice, eh? But somehow satisfying. I only did that with callers with North American accents. I stopped when it was callers obviously from overseas. Funny, though, the calls stopped. I can't recall the last time a telemarketer called. Economic cycle? Maybe. I have a streak of ruthlessness in me. And melancholy as well. Normally I mind my manners and I am nice.
Breaking up with the A is a matter of self-preservation. I need my humour and love for myself for my work and my life. I can't repeat the speeches I gave to my ex for his benefit. To ward off his suicidal thoughts. I tried to make him see the beauty of life without saying, what about me?!
Sometimes it is all about me.
I have been reading this site, and staying strong. For all of you out there, make the decision to leave your alcoholic other.
In response to advice, my first break-up with the A, I did delete his texts without reading them. "Treat him like a pesky telemarketer" was the advice. I have little tolerance for telemarketers. I confess, I used to practice a cruelty on telemarketers by "making kills." I would say such things as "did your mother dream of you becoming a telemarketer" and other remarks until the telemarketer would hang up. That would be "a kill." Not so nice, eh? But somehow satisfying. I only did that with callers with North American accents. I stopped when it was callers obviously from overseas. Funny, though, the calls stopped. I can't recall the last time a telemarketer called. Economic cycle? Maybe. I have a streak of ruthlessness in me. And melancholy as well. Normally I mind my manners and I am nice.
Breaking up with the A is a matter of self-preservation. I need my humour and love for myself for my work and my life. I can't repeat the speeches I gave to my ex for his benefit. To ward off his suicidal thoughts. I tried to make him see the beauty of life without saying, what about me?!
Sometimes it is all about me.
I have been reading this site, and staying strong. For all of you out there, make the decision to leave your alcoholic other.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Finding my feet.
I want to use this post to note a differences in me.
Inspired by the posting about the woman in the mirror.
I woke at 4 am and lay in bed almost forcing myself to get up and get things done around the house, instead I confronted my thoughts about the A.
I didn't mention this before, it seemed irrelevant after I decided to dump the A. But, here goes. I was ruminating on this for quite some time this morning before I fell back asleep for some badly needed rest. It happened quite early on in our relationship. I actually appeared in court on his behalf for an open liquor charge he had in court last fall. It was around the time he got left behind in a strange town when he hopped in a vehicle with some people he knew to go drinking at a summer festival and supposedly spent the night in an abandoned car. But I digress. About going to court. I was so nervous and arrived an hour early. I had a good look at all the other miscreants in the courtroom. Most were in for liquor charges. They were mostly young and poor. Some were with their mothers. When it finally came to talk to the judge and made my excuses for the A not being in court, she mistook me for the A's mother. I was so embarrassed that I didn't correct her! I realized how ridiculous it is for a woman my age and stage in life to go to court for a boyfriend. It was an eye opener, and the beginning of my awakening to his problems with alcohol. I chose to believe his story, that he had forgotten the beer was in his vehicle because he was moving from the country into the city, gradually, and in the chaos, simply forgot it was in the truck when he was stopped for a broken headlight and the police asked to search his vehicle. He had to work and so I went on his behalf to plead guilty. Doing him a favour. What a fool I was. I just want to share this story with you and realize I have to remember this humiliation and all the other times I was hurt in order to keep strong. How many more times did I make excuses for him and choose to believe him rather than my own common sense? Too many times.
I will share these stories with this website the next time I need to vent. I feel so used and angry at times. I have found I have to confront myself in order to counteract the urge to call him. It happens at least 2 or 3 times a day. Mostly I don't allow myself to think of him, I just say, well that's over and done and I've learned my lesson. But when I think about contacting him again, I will make myself remember what I experienced. I need to look at my own behaviour and motivations and examine my hurt in order to heal.
Mostly I just want to get on with my life.
I have had a good sleep augmented by naps to help catch up on my insomnia and I feel wonderful this morning. The dark circles under my eyes are gone.
My dishes are done. My geraniums have survived!
I feel energetic and inspired to put some good ideas I have at work into action.
Everyone have a good day and stay strong.
Inspired by the posting about the woman in the mirror.
I woke at 4 am and lay in bed almost forcing myself to get up and get things done around the house, instead I confronted my thoughts about the A.
I didn't mention this before, it seemed irrelevant after I decided to dump the A. But, here goes. I was ruminating on this for quite some time this morning before I fell back asleep for some badly needed rest. It happened quite early on in our relationship. I actually appeared in court on his behalf for an open liquor charge he had in court last fall. It was around the time he got left behind in a strange town when he hopped in a vehicle with some people he knew to go drinking at a summer festival and supposedly spent the night in an abandoned car. But I digress. About going to court. I was so nervous and arrived an hour early. I had a good look at all the other miscreants in the courtroom. Most were in for liquor charges. They were mostly young and poor. Some were with their mothers. When it finally came to talk to the judge and made my excuses for the A not being in court, she mistook me for the A's mother. I was so embarrassed that I didn't correct her! I realized how ridiculous it is for a woman my age and stage in life to go to court for a boyfriend. It was an eye opener, and the beginning of my awakening to his problems with alcohol. I chose to believe his story, that he had forgotten the beer was in his vehicle because he was moving from the country into the city, gradually, and in the chaos, simply forgot it was in the truck when he was stopped for a broken headlight and the police asked to search his vehicle. He had to work and so I went on his behalf to plead guilty. Doing him a favour. What a fool I was. I just want to share this story with you and realize I have to remember this humiliation and all the other times I was hurt in order to keep strong. How many more times did I make excuses for him and choose to believe him rather than my own common sense? Too many times.
I will share these stories with this website the next time I need to vent. I feel so used and angry at times. I have found I have to confront myself in order to counteract the urge to call him. It happens at least 2 or 3 times a day. Mostly I don't allow myself to think of him, I just say, well that's over and done and I've learned my lesson. But when I think about contacting him again, I will make myself remember what I experienced. I need to look at my own behaviour and motivations and examine my hurt in order to heal.
Mostly I just want to get on with my life.
I have had a good sleep augmented by naps to help catch up on my insomnia and I feel wonderful this morning. The dark circles under my eyes are gone.
My dishes are done. My geraniums have survived!
I feel energetic and inspired to put some good ideas I have at work into action.
Everyone have a good day and stay strong.
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