MeercatManor

Hello Everyone, I am a new poster, obviously. I am a 48 year old woman and have had the urge to change my life. My relationship is from plentyoffish (POF), and my boyfriend is a man I used to work with years ago who broke up with his wife. He is a drinker. He's also a good man with a lot of potential and charm. I have been seeing him for over a year and have had a lot of heartache and pain. He's done so many things that have hurt me and I've tried to break up with him before but I keep worrying about him. He's talked about committing suicide and that has stopped me from making the final break. I broke up with him back in February and I'd been checking up on him surreptitiously on FB and POF and recently he contacted me when he got a DUI and wrecked his truck. He promised he would be a real boyfriend to me and spoke of our future together. Finally, it seemed, I would get what I used to want so badly with all my heart. But now that we're back together I find it's exactly like before. Only worse because I know this relationship will never work. Please help me stop seeing this guy. He is bad news. He is secretive and he sees other women (so-called friends,) and although he is trying anti-depressants it doesn't seem to be helping our relationship. Please help me! I don't want to be involved with this man, but I can't seem to help myself. It's pathetic, really. I can't tell my real friends I am back with him. I am so ashamed, even though no one knows the half of it. So, in a nutshell, that's why I am here on this website. To read and respond to other posts in order to help myself. I know I am going to need help. Thanks everyone who responds.

AnvilheadII

I hope you can find the strength and courage to do what you know deep down is best...FOR YOU.

wicked

You are not pathetic. I have been way too involved with someone who was unavailable in more ways than one. It is sad to bring ourselves to this, to be ashamed to tell our friends about it.
Have you considered going to Al Anon? The program is about you and how to live your life, it is not about the alcoholic.
You know he is using you, but you cannot stop. I have been there, and I am in recovery from alcohol, and the addiction, the drive to get more, even when it is bad for you is demanding. More, more, more.

Please read some of the stickies at the top of the page. You will see you are not alone in your struggle with an alcoholic relationship.
You can let go and be okay. You will learn how to do this, mostly because it sounds like you are ready to do so.

Take care of yourself,

Beth

Tuffgirl

Welcome. I have to ask - why can't you stay away from this man? You know he's bad news. You know you are ashamed of your choice. So unmake that choice. It really is that simple.

I say this with great kindness and not to minimalize your feelings.

Thing is - you need to address your own issues as to why you would settle for less than you know what you seek and deserve. And by the way, there are plenty of other fish in the sea (pun intended). Cut bait and let this one go.

dandylion

Dear MeerCat, when a person cannot seem to leave a destructive relationship, it is said that they are caught somewhere in the FOG: Fear Obligation Guilt. Would you say that you are somewhere in the clutches of fear? obligation? guilt?. Identifying which or which combinations of the fog can be a starting place for sorting yourself.

Co-dependents are notoriously famous for getting stuck.

dandylion

LexieCat

Tuffgirl is right, it really IS that simple.

I'm getting the sense you do not live together, is that right? You said you were "seeing" him.

This makes it MUCH more simple. You can sit down with him (I suggest a public place like a coffee shop), and tell him that as much as you hoped it would work out, it doesn't seem to be, and that you don't want to see him anymore.

That's pretty much it, in a nutshell. You have to be prepared emotionally for some tugging at your heartstrings, maybe some anger. But if you make it a clean break, and just calmly repeat yourself, that's really all you owe him. You don't have to justify yourself, he doesn't have to agree with your decision.

Every human being on this planet has the right to decide with whom they want to be in a relationship. It doesn't matter what your reasons are. If you don't want the relationship, you end it. If he persists in calling you, coming over, contacting you, when you have told him it is not welcome, then you can get a restraining order. He has no right to harass you.

Seriously--if the relationship is causing you all this stress and grief in your life, you will feel a thousand pounds lighter once you have ended it. As mentioned above, some recovery work would help you understand what is going on with you that made it so difficult to leave, but right now, you can take the simple steps to say goodbye.

MeercatManor

I don't know what to say or how to respond to what has been written here. I have just jumped into this forum from where I'm at. I do want to let him go, I do realize he's bad for me, I do know I am not obligated, I do want to make better choices.

This second time around seems harder, somehow. Maybe it's because I know letting go seems to cause him to despair. I was reading in another part of this site several ideas that I've been thinking about. That my demands for a real relationship and commitment could be holding him back in his recovery. That an alcoholic who stops drinking is not fit for a relationship when true feelings come back. That when an alcoholic is not self-medicating, they may easily go into an emotional tailspin.

I wonder, could it be that the anti-depressants are subduing his emotions the same way the alcohol does? That I may as well leave anyways, that he is "emotionally unavailable?"

Can I still have him in my life? What is the right thing to do? I don't know? That is why I am hesitating.

AnvilheadII

why do you want a secretive, lying, quite possibly cheating emotionally unavailable person that you know is NO GOOD for you IN your life?

deeker

Those meds he is taking probably won't work so well if he's drinking. Give him an ultimatum, you get help or I am out.

I know this is gonna sounds strange but I am a recovering alkie, But my husband stayed with me for 30 years and I ruined his life . He has nothing but bad memories. We are good now, but If I was someone on the outside looking at what I was doing to him I would tell you RUN!!

MeercatManor

Okay, you've both said an awful lot in a few words. I'm looking at co-dependency ideas and having a good think on my life. I am imagining telling him I want a time-out. A time-away. A month? Two months? I need time to think, or maybe not think about him. And keep my options open. Can I do this?!! Advice here!! Please advise. Thank you.

MendipMan

Hi MeerCat, you are getting a lot of good advice here and particularly that suggesting that you find your local Al-Anon. Talk to them because their membership have been where you are and they will empathize with you they will understand exactly what you are going through and help. I work with them because I come from the other side of the fence! I am an alcoholic, so I am going to give you my harsh judgement based on what I did to my family. Do not listen to a single promise he gives. It is not the man you love or once loved that is promising. It is the demon in the bottle talking. It will promise you the world just to hang on to you and they will not deliver. And when that does not work they will threaten everything including suicide. I am sorry to have to tell you this but you must walk away! I disagree with one piece of advise and that is to give him an ultimatum. You are wasting your time. If you had been married 15 years my advise might be slightly different, but not in your case. If you would really like to live with this man if he were sober then tell him to go away and be sober for 6 months and then and only then would you be interested in seeing if there was any future in you both being together!!

You are a child of God and obviously a nice loving person... you are great and you deserve better. His drinking sadly is his problem and he needs professional help to give up completely.... no going back to social drinking... total sobriety. You will be doing him no favours by trying to help him. He will fail and will blame you. The alcohol is rewiring his brain! I destroyed a 20 year marriage, and my relationship with my kids! I lost my job and my driving license. I nearly lost my home too. I speak from experience.

LexieCat

In your very first post, you begged us to tell you how to leave this man--that you were desperate to leave him but were having trouble walking away.

Now you are talking like you want to figure everything out and fix him.

This guy is circling the drain, and you are holding onto him. When he goes down, he can drag you right down with him.

He can get well WITHOUT YOUR HELP. And he can self-destruct, IN SPITE OF ANYTHING YOU DO.

I see absolutely nothing but grief ahead for you as long as you hold onto this relationship. His emotional well-being is not your responsibility--it is his. You are responsible for your OWN emotional well-being.

MeercatManor

Okay, you may just sigh and scratch your head, but how about, no ultimatum and a time out request?

If he says no to that, then it's over between him and me. And I'll be back here on the forum and trying my best to stay away from him.

I am thinking aloud here. I am trying to get my thinking done with and have a plan of action, a set-response, a new default position. This time around with him I know I'm not in a relationship with a normally functioning person, not even with a hurt man who has hit a rough patch, but with a full-blown alcoholic. If he were fully in possession of his senses he would give me a time-out to think this through.

A year? 6 months?

I'm thinking no one on this forum will think this is a good idea...

I will try Al Anon and see how that is for me.

AnvilheadII

ok, only cuz i'm older than you (52) - are you saying put him on TIME OUT? go to your corner and think about what you've done to me and when you are ready to behave like a big boy you can come out? what about just either DONE or NOT. in or out? fish or cut bait. pick one. make your own decision and don't put the direction of your life in someone else's hands!!!! you wanna stay? that's fine, you know exactly what you are in for. you wanna go? then you open up your life to a whole new world of possibilities without the pall of alcoholism governing your every thought. wouldn't it be nice to be on the internet looking up "how to grow marigolds" sites instead of alcoholism and addiction recovery boards?

LexieCat

What about this? You tell him you are breaking up. And then you tell him that if he gets sober and stays that way for an ENTIRE YEAR, to look you up and you will talk to him, and maybe then you can revisit the idea of a relationship. I think just asking for a "time out" implies that you are making up your mind about something. It sounds to me as if you HAVE made up your mind that you don't want to be involved with him as he is now.

I think unless he has been solidly sober for at least a year you are only prolonging the inevitable.

MeercatManor

This is all good advice.

To remind myself, (and you others who are understandably confused,) I am trying to break up with him. And I am still trying to fix him even as I am trying to break up with him. I am trying not to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him or anyone. I cannot fix him, I can only fix myself.

I am a kind and loving person. And I deserve better than I am getting. I hate to see his life falling apart. And I can do this. I just have to make the choice. It occurs to me that I may not even hear from him if I continue to ignore him. He may well have other resources to fall back on. He probably does, even if I am his best friend.

To everyone who may be following this conversation, I'm sorry to have dragged you onto my merry-go-round. You are kind and wise people who have taken the time to respond to my unhappiness. I have a responsible job and a good family and home. I am lonely and afraid. But then you probably know that. You may even guess at how much worse this was last December 23rd when he threatened to kill himself.

MeercatManor

You've all made contributions to my resolve to end this relationship.

A year to sober up. And then he can look me up if he still wants to try for a healthy relationship with me.

Okay, people. I am going to put my suffering geraniums in their proper pots so I will enjoy them this summer.

I will wait to see if I hear from him today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. I know it is for the best. I will tell him it is over. And I will tell him if he can stay sober for a year, look me up after that year and I will consider him as boyfriend material.

I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

Summerpeach

A year sober does not make an addiction "cured" Most of them become worse way before they become better.

I think this has less to do with worrying about how he will react and more about your self esteem. Which is ok; all people who cannot leave an unhealthy /sick relationship are plagued with the same thing.

When I started to change and get well was when someone looked at me and "told it like it was" and as many people told me my actions were not pathetic (treating me with kid gloves), one woman I met told me my actions were truly pathetic and a real testament to how I felt about myself.
We all have "pathetic" behavior, and acknowledging them helps us change and heal.

I totally understand your thinking.....you will leave when you're ready, not when a bunch of strangers judge you for not :-)

deeker

awesome response and advice

MeercatManor

I say, stay sober for 6 months, (sorry, not a year) and then we will see if we can try to have an equitable relationship. I only hope I can be strong and stay away from him. I always have the urge to help him and be there for him.
Unfortunately he is chronically low on cash, even before he wrecked his knee at work.
And now having lost his drivers' licence, he's going to have trouble getting around town.
Ah, his reply "have a good life, my sweet." And "he is trying to have an equitable relationship with me." ha. My bank account says different.