I broke up with him before, and I can do it again. This time I'll do it right.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
I can't understand myself
He almost had me going. As I received his flurry of texts I wanted to see him and explain why. I wanted to explain why I sent him the ultimatum to stop drinking, get help and see me in 6 months to see if we can try again. He texted that he only got a 90 day suspension when he was hit by a drunk driver at 2:30 in the morning. (His truck was totalled. I thought he'd got a DUI and would lose his licence for a year or more. I wonder if the A is telling the truth, or driving without a licence. It's possible...)
Even as I thought all this, I wanted to tell him to not give up!
I wanted him to tell me he is sorry. I wanted to give him another chance.
Everything all at once! I was so confused!
This is huge for me, to find out I can be cast back into the hole I have just escaped from, even for an hour. To find that desire to see him again is a sad shock. But I've broke up with him before and I want to do it right this time.
Does this mean I cannot speak to him again?!
He claims his life has taken a turn for the better and he is optimistic and wants to make a clean break with me. And to not leave the relationship on bad terms.
He even brought up his offer to help me pick out a new rifle like it was a huge gift he had given me just by his offer! Is he a narcissist?
Maybe he is a narcissist.
What a colossal nerve he has, to ignore all that has happened and act like nothing happened. He has done this before.
He refuses to face facts.
I didn't mention how my knee got hurt. Six months before, he and I went out on his motorcycle. He was hung over and we got into a crash. A car hit us and he broke a couple of ribs. My knee was banged up and an odd abrasion appeared on my knee even though my blue jeans weren't damaged. I still have a mark on my knee. We could have been killed. I limped for a couple of days but otherwise I was okay. I see it now as a wake-up call and I just didn't wake up!
Then 6 months later that same knee just started to hurt. Well, I had been working out with a machine and pushing 70 kilograms with 3 reps of 15 a few days before and then the pain started.
The horrible pain coincided with breaking up with the A. It certainly distracted me from missing him. I have read on other people's posts about the paralyzing pain that stops you from mentally functioning. That's how this pain in my leg was. I couldn't work!
I've never felt such agony in my life. And never want to feel that pain again.
I have got to stay away from the A. That's all there is to it.
His drinking could have killed us that time. And I made excuses for him and mostly blamed the other driver.
All this to remind myself to stay strong.
It is over between me and the A. And that's final.
I wish I had the strength to break up with him in person. So it really sinks in for both of us. This is no romance. He is trying to use me again.
But I am afraid to see him in case I fail. In case I soften to him and drift back into the mindless and destructive relationship we had. I am not his possession.
This is all hyperbole! Ridiculous.
I used to tell myself no wonder these ladies keep texting him and asking him out - he is so handsome and charismatic. I used to tell myself, no harm in him having coffee or striking up friendships with these ladies. One even "got a hold of his cell phone and changed his FB status!" When I saw that on FB, I was shocked. I confronted him and we broke up. Rather he said he was done with women, me included. And threatened for the second time to kill himself. That I was his best friend. I was afraid to let him go, so I chose to believe him. And after that nonsense all passed, he had had me going again. We drifted back to each other. I can hardly admit how stupid and weak I was but I need to say this out here so I remember how easily it can happen. He is an excellent manipulator.
On another topic. My new friend.
In truth my new friend is handsome too. He is taller and has wider shoulders and the most incredible eyes and voice. He makes himself vulnerable to me like he never does to anyone else. He is the head of his department and makes time to see me whenever I want. In his 30's he was a mixed-martial arts champion, has built motorcycles, houses, racecars and is a technology expert. He is shy and diffident and I value his friendship and support. I know he hopes for more, and so do I. I am taking it slow.
Last night while texting I shot another beaver. I hope that's the last of them. These rodents are tenacious.
I kept worrying all the while that the A would show up. Firearms always have the potential to escalate bad situations. And I started to imagine a terrible triangle. It's all a stupid thing in my head. These men must not know about each other or ever be put in jeopardy.
No contact with the A. That is the way to go.
That's the way to go, right?
Even as I thought all this, I wanted to tell him to not give up!
I wanted him to tell me he is sorry. I wanted to give him another chance.
Everything all at once! I was so confused!
This is huge for me, to find out I can be cast back into the hole I have just escaped from, even for an hour. To find that desire to see him again is a sad shock. But I've broke up with him before and I want to do it right this time.
Does this mean I cannot speak to him again?!
He claims his life has taken a turn for the better and he is optimistic and wants to make a clean break with me. And to not leave the relationship on bad terms.
He even brought up his offer to help me pick out a new rifle like it was a huge gift he had given me just by his offer! Is he a narcissist?
Maybe he is a narcissist.
What a colossal nerve he has, to ignore all that has happened and act like nothing happened. He has done this before.
He refuses to face facts.
I didn't mention how my knee got hurt. Six months before, he and I went out on his motorcycle. He was hung over and we got into a crash. A car hit us and he broke a couple of ribs. My knee was banged up and an odd abrasion appeared on my knee even though my blue jeans weren't damaged. I still have a mark on my knee. We could have been killed. I limped for a couple of days but otherwise I was okay. I see it now as a wake-up call and I just didn't wake up!
Then 6 months later that same knee just started to hurt. Well, I had been working out with a machine and pushing 70 kilograms with 3 reps of 15 a few days before and then the pain started.
The horrible pain coincided with breaking up with the A. It certainly distracted me from missing him. I have read on other people's posts about the paralyzing pain that stops you from mentally functioning. That's how this pain in my leg was. I couldn't work!
I've never felt such agony in my life. And never want to feel that pain again.
I have got to stay away from the A. That's all there is to it.
His drinking could have killed us that time. And I made excuses for him and mostly blamed the other driver.
All this to remind myself to stay strong.
It is over between me and the A. And that's final.
I wish I had the strength to break up with him in person. So it really sinks in for both of us. This is no romance. He is trying to use me again.
But I am afraid to see him in case I fail. In case I soften to him and drift back into the mindless and destructive relationship we had. I am not his possession.
This is all hyperbole! Ridiculous.
I used to tell myself no wonder these ladies keep texting him and asking him out - he is so handsome and charismatic. I used to tell myself, no harm in him having coffee or striking up friendships with these ladies. One even "got a hold of his cell phone and changed his FB status!" When I saw that on FB, I was shocked. I confronted him and we broke up. Rather he said he was done with women, me included. And threatened for the second time to kill himself. That I was his best friend. I was afraid to let him go, so I chose to believe him. And after that nonsense all passed, he had had me going again. We drifted back to each other. I can hardly admit how stupid and weak I was but I need to say this out here so I remember how easily it can happen. He is an excellent manipulator.
On another topic. My new friend.
In truth my new friend is handsome too. He is taller and has wider shoulders and the most incredible eyes and voice. He makes himself vulnerable to me like he never does to anyone else. He is the head of his department and makes time to see me whenever I want. In his 30's he was a mixed-martial arts champion, has built motorcycles, houses, racecars and is a technology expert. He is shy and diffident and I value his friendship and support. I know he hopes for more, and so do I. I am taking it slow.
Last night while texting I shot another beaver. I hope that's the last of them. These rodents are tenacious.
I kept worrying all the while that the A would show up. Firearms always have the potential to escalate bad situations. And I started to imagine a terrible triangle. It's all a stupid thing in my head. These men must not know about each other or ever be put in jeopardy.
No contact with the A. That is the way to go.
That's the way to go, right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Following other threads. Struggling With No Contact
I am following the thread of Struggling with No Contact. It is just like my struggle. I too have struggled with jealousy and the A having his hooks in me.
My new friend is somewhat jealous but at the same time, respecting my space and boundaries. I am watching him like a hawk for signs of being another codependent. I find myself going the opposite way I did with the A, in that I hold back my affirmations. I am more likely to say nothing of his volunteer time with a local charity, other than to give him an assessing look and a smile. I am constantly weighing his words and judging his actions. It is strange and different. I am not disappointed, so far, in anything he is doing, other than to say he is self-conscious. I find myself wondering if I am watching him too closely. I say this because he has amusing fits of clumsiness. For example, he will do 3 silly things like stub his toe, or drop something or say something almost a non-sequitor to our conversation. "So unlike the A" I think to myself. I wonder "is it him, reacting to me comparing him to the A?" Maybe....
All this to say, the drama I can do without. I have stuff to do. I am having a garage sale this weekend.
I am trying to shoot beaver. I hope I got the last one, but am going to watch this evening.
Thanks for the support I have received in private messages. Thank you for helping me, you good people.
My new friend is somewhat jealous but at the same time, respecting my space and boundaries. I am watching him like a hawk for signs of being another codependent. I find myself going the opposite way I did with the A, in that I hold back my affirmations. I am more likely to say nothing of his volunteer time with a local charity, other than to give him an assessing look and a smile. I am constantly weighing his words and judging his actions. It is strange and different. I am not disappointed, so far, in anything he is doing, other than to say he is self-conscious. I find myself wondering if I am watching him too closely. I say this because he has amusing fits of clumsiness. For example, he will do 3 silly things like stub his toe, or drop something or say something almost a non-sequitor to our conversation. "So unlike the A" I think to myself. I wonder "is it him, reacting to me comparing him to the A?" Maybe....
All this to say, the drama I can do without. I have stuff to do. I am having a garage sale this weekend.
I am trying to shoot beaver. I hope I got the last one, but am going to watch this evening.
Thanks for the support I have received in private messages. Thank you for helping me, you good people.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Not Yet 20 Days
I have been reading my posts on this website and wonder about the formula. No contact + Al Anon = Recovery
My big problem right now is melancholy and a feeling of being powerless. I got home from work and just collapsed. I am being given extra responsibilities at work for a colleague who seems to take advantage of me.
I have been bullied at work by a certain clique who try to make my life miserable. Ha ha, they have no idea how miserable I am already. I don't need the extra encouragement. I am saying this sarcastically. They just don't get it and I hope that the ringleader is fired. He is getting negative reviews at work, so I am hoping they will let him go. Unfortunately he has relatives who seem to think he's worth the trouble he and his friends and cousins cause. Unfortunately I work at a family-run business. Outsiders are scared to say anything and the relatives quickly close ranks, and the bosses get ride of people "who are not happy."
Now that me and the A are done, I seem to be feeling stress in other ways that I have been ignoring.
Is that what I am missing by not going to Al Anon? Is it that I lack the tools to deal with people who don't respect my boundaries? Or is it also that I lack boundaries? Is it that I don't deal well with people who suffer from addiction or have other behaviour issues?
People are rude and unwelcoming to people who aren't exactly like themselves. They think some people think themselves superior and they won't even speak to them.
What is it?!!
All this adds up to me being miserable and just as likely to cry or flop into a chair and waste time on the computer.
I have an extra assignment at work and it just seems like I have to pull up my socks and get on with it. I feel like staying home and having a nap, not be running around and being outwardly together.
Last night I lay awake for hours thinking about the A and worrying that I may have a stroke! I tend to push myself too hard. I am on tenterhooks worrying about the A contacting me again or coming to see me.
I should try Al Anon. I am so busy and then tired after work, and I am getting ready for my garage sale. But the forecast is for rain! Argh!
I either long for or dread seeing the A. I can't decide. I am not in the pit again, but I am in a strange limbo brought on my lack of sleep and extra pressure at work. TGIF.
I need recovery!
My big problem right now is melancholy and a feeling of being powerless. I got home from work and just collapsed. I am being given extra responsibilities at work for a colleague who seems to take advantage of me.
I have been bullied at work by a certain clique who try to make my life miserable. Ha ha, they have no idea how miserable I am already. I don't need the extra encouragement. I am saying this sarcastically. They just don't get it and I hope that the ringleader is fired. He is getting negative reviews at work, so I am hoping they will let him go. Unfortunately he has relatives who seem to think he's worth the trouble he and his friends and cousins cause. Unfortunately I work at a family-run business. Outsiders are scared to say anything and the relatives quickly close ranks, and the bosses get ride of people "who are not happy."
Now that me and the A are done, I seem to be feeling stress in other ways that I have been ignoring.
Is that what I am missing by not going to Al Anon? Is it that I lack the tools to deal with people who don't respect my boundaries? Or is it also that I lack boundaries? Is it that I don't deal well with people who suffer from addiction or have other behaviour issues?
People are rude and unwelcoming to people who aren't exactly like themselves. They think some people think themselves superior and they won't even speak to them.
What is it?!!
All this adds up to me being miserable and just as likely to cry or flop into a chair and waste time on the computer.
I have an extra assignment at work and it just seems like I have to pull up my socks and get on with it. I feel like staying home and having a nap, not be running around and being outwardly together.
Last night I lay awake for hours thinking about the A and worrying that I may have a stroke! I tend to push myself too hard. I am on tenterhooks worrying about the A contacting me again or coming to see me.
I should try Al Anon. I am so busy and then tired after work, and I am getting ready for my garage sale. But the forecast is for rain! Argh!
I either long for or dread seeing the A. I can't decide. I am not in the pit again, but I am in a strange limbo brought on my lack of sleep and extra pressure at work. TGIF.
I need recovery!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Hi Meercat...just taking a few minutes to read posts and saw so many of my thoughts & feelings in your post this morning. I'd like to share some of the things I've done (with help & encouragement from others) that have helped.
Al-Anon...Yes, yes, yes! I only go about once per week, but it is SO helpful to me. I am also planning to check out a step meeting in my area. I wasn't going to go this week because we were having a HUGE storm, but it was the only time I could go. I said to myself - Just get up and go, you won't regret it when you are done. And I didn't, and I was glad I was there because I learned something, just like I do at every meeting. So go, it may take a few meetings but you will be glad you did.
And yes, the tools we learn through Al-Anon and here at SR can be applied to all areas of life. Frankly, I find it easier to apply some to my colleagues and family than to my A, but I believe it is good practice and helps me feel more at peace in my days.
Sleep...about two years ago, I adopted the thought process that if my body was telling me it needed a nap, to take it! I now take a good 2-3 hour nap after work about once every 2-3 weeks. If my body is exhausted, it needs the rest. My real problem is my night owl tendencies, so that is something that I am working on as part of my self care. It really is time to take care of myself first.
I also went through many sleepless nights. I think Pelican often reminds us that if we do not have to find a resolution to something by 8am, we should let it go for awhile. So...how to let those thoughts go? Meditation and prayer help. My counselor suggested to me that when I go to bed, to pray to God that I will have a good night's sleep with nourishing rest...I try to make that my last conscious thought, even if I have to repeat it over and over. There was also a great page in Hope for Today (one of the Al-anon daily readers) where people gave great examples of how they meditate...hmm...think I'll start another thread on that.
You and I sound a lot alike with our busy-ness. Jobs, homes, I also have dogs while you have beavers to deal with! I feel like I am always moving and always need to be accomplishing something. Now, I realize that I need to figure out where that "need" is coming from and realign it with taking care of myself first. I'm learning recovery takes effort. There are a lot of resources for us...including the great ES&H here at SR. I'm thinking of you today, and hope that you take some time for you.
Al-Anon...Yes, yes, yes! I only go about once per week, but it is SO helpful to me. I am also planning to check out a step meeting in my area. I wasn't going to go this week because we were having a HUGE storm, but it was the only time I could go. I said to myself - Just get up and go, you won't regret it when you are done. And I didn't, and I was glad I was there because I learned something, just like I do at every meeting. So go, it may take a few meetings but you will be glad you did.
And yes, the tools we learn through Al-Anon and here at SR can be applied to all areas of life. Frankly, I find it easier to apply some to my colleagues and family than to my A, but I believe it is good practice and helps me feel more at peace in my days.
Sleep...about two years ago, I adopted the thought process that if my body was telling me it needed a nap, to take it! I now take a good 2-3 hour nap after work about once every 2-3 weeks. If my body is exhausted, it needs the rest. My real problem is my night owl tendencies, so that is something that I am working on as part of my self care. It really is time to take care of myself first.
I also went through many sleepless nights. I think Pelican often reminds us that if we do not have to find a resolution to something by 8am, we should let it go for awhile. So...how to let those thoughts go? Meditation and prayer help. My counselor suggested to me that when I go to bed, to pray to God that I will have a good night's sleep with nourishing rest...I try to make that my last conscious thought, even if I have to repeat it over and over. There was also a great page in Hope for Today (one of the Al-anon daily readers) where people gave great examples of how they meditate...hmm...think I'll start another thread on that.
You and I sound a lot alike with our busy-ness. Jobs, homes, I also have dogs while you have beavers to deal with! I feel like I am always moving and always need to be accomplishing something. Now, I realize that I need to figure out where that "need" is coming from and realign it with taking care of myself first. I'm learning recovery takes effort. There are a lot of resources for us...including the great ES&H here at SR. I'm thinking of you today, and hope that you take some time for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Well, hello forum. I am back here, a dollar short and a year late, but here it goes.
Since last time I was here, battling what I see now as my addiction to this man who messed up my brain, I've changed my circumstances. I am now looking for a new job and so far, nothing. But I'm not worried. Something will turn up. I am thinking of going back to university but I don't know what I want to take.
As far as the A goes, he's been at his nasty tricks of seducing women again. Trolling for them on Plenty of Fish. It's disgusting and very sad. I got a text from him at Christmas, some stupid hello. His new woman at that time was in a panic on Facebook, begging him to come back. I felt so very bad for her. Since I've blocked the A all this time, I've been checking on her. He let her first name slip, mentioned where she worked and I simply looked her up and bingo, there she was. Easy to find. An addictions counselor. Yeah, that's what I said...
So. I still feel stupid. Even though he was able to fool a trained addictions counselor, I still feel stupid about how easy it was to fool me. I feel like a real idiot. I envy her huge facebook following and at the same time I feel sorry for her. She cannot seem to help herself; she just opens herself up in front of everyone. I envy the sympathy she'd garnered. At the same time, listen, her young son died a little over a year ago. So she alternates mourning him and the A. and sometimes people are honestly confused whether she is writing about missing her son or her man!
I feel guilty for spying on her, but I keep watching to see if any of her postings indicate she's really over him and that she has really seen the A for what he is. She was oozing love for him for months and still still posts weird little memes from little facebook pages where specific ailments of the heart and spirit are addressed. Pretty flaky stuff. I should be ashamed. I think many of us know the kind of slogans and poetry on scenery or kittens or ladies by candlelight I am referring to.
Still and all, that's it. I know I am supposed to not judge myself harshly. I am supposed to love and forgive myself. And I do. But now I feel this big sadness has ended for me. I had a lucky escape. Thanks everyone who has posted on my threads here.
Since last time I was here, battling what I see now as my addiction to this man who messed up my brain, I've changed my circumstances. I am now looking for a new job and so far, nothing. But I'm not worried. Something will turn up. I am thinking of going back to university but I don't know what I want to take.
As far as the A goes, he's been at his nasty tricks of seducing women again. Trolling for them on Plenty of Fish. It's disgusting and very sad. I got a text from him at Christmas, some stupid hello. His new woman at that time was in a panic on Facebook, begging him to come back. I felt so very bad for her. Since I've blocked the A all this time, I've been checking on her. He let her first name slip, mentioned where she worked and I simply looked her up and bingo, there she was. Easy to find. An addictions counselor. Yeah, that's what I said...
So. I still feel stupid. Even though he was able to fool a trained addictions counselor, I still feel stupid about how easy it was to fool me. I feel like a real idiot. I envy her huge facebook following and at the same time I feel sorry for her. She cannot seem to help herself; she just opens herself up in front of everyone. I envy the sympathy she'd garnered. At the same time, listen, her young son died a little over a year ago. So she alternates mourning him and the A. and sometimes people are honestly confused whether she is writing about missing her son or her man!
I feel guilty for spying on her, but I keep watching to see if any of her postings indicate she's really over him and that she has really seen the A for what he is. She was oozing love for him for months and still still posts weird little memes from little facebook pages where specific ailments of the heart and spirit are addressed. Pretty flaky stuff. I should be ashamed. I think many of us know the kind of slogans and poetry on scenery or kittens or ladies by candlelight I am referring to.
Still and all, that's it. I know I am supposed to not judge myself harshly. I am supposed to love and forgive myself. And I do. But now I feel this big sadness has ended for me. I had a lucky escape. Thanks everyone who has posted on my threads here.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Meercat,
I just read your posts from a year ago and must say that I've been there too. Being so entrenched in a R with an A that is so volatile is really difficult to get out of...sounds like you have come quite a ways since you last wrote.
If I may make an observation though, paying attention to the woman he's seeing, searching for her on FB and seeing what's going on with her - says that you are still involved in his world. There is a connection you are keeping to him and the drama that surrounds him, even if you aren't seeing or talking to him.
I'll admit to being where you are and getting sucked in by the drama of stalking someone. Maybe I'm wrong here that's what you're doing, but your post talks more about him and his new woman than about your healing and taking care of yourself.
I just read your posts from a year ago and must say that I've been there too. Being so entrenched in a R with an A that is so volatile is really difficult to get out of...sounds like you have come quite a ways since you last wrote.
If I may make an observation though, paying attention to the woman he's seeing, searching for her on FB and seeing what's going on with her - says that you are still involved in his world. There is a connection you are keeping to him and the drama that surrounds him, even if you aren't seeing or talking to him.
I'll admit to being where you are and getting sucked in by the drama of stalking someone. Maybe I'm wrong here that's what you're doing, but your post talks more about him and his new woman than about your healing and taking care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Rested and Ready Thank you for your interesting questions.
As to what I've been doing to take care of myself, I practice yoga. I have had no problems with my knee that I damaged with the A and I am always careful with my stretches. The pain hasn't returned. I do aerobics at home and I don't do weights anymore. Maybe I will start pushing weights again, but I scared myself. I don't want to hurt my knee again. I am meditating. I also eat healthy foods and have put on a few healthy kilos since last year. I avoid red meat and watch I don't drink more than 3 beer when I go out; most times I eat white meat, sometimes fish and have only one beer. I treat myself to new clothes often and let some grey hairs come in. My hair has rewarded me by not breaking as it used to, though I am tempted to colour it. Some days I am dissatisfied with my appearance. Allergies are acting up this winter.
I am buying a motorcycle, a dual-purpose for off-roading. Last summer I and the wonderful man who came into my life went on a two-week road trip and bike rally. It was a great adventure and we've become close. This summer I am planning some local trips and practice for heading south next winter where he and I can explore some back-country together. I've never met anyone like him before. He has a strong and gentle spirit. He treats me like a queen and I am starting to show him that I am not as fragile as he might think. I've always wanted a motorcycle. He has taken up yoga practice with me and I have to mention he is astounding and a natural at it. There is a rich sub-text to our relationship and neutral ground where we talk and love. We may even get married. I will know when the time is right. Right now I am longing to take it to the next level.
On Stalking the A, his Exploits and his Ex.
I have felt guilty about checking up on the A's woman and have decided this very day to stop. Enough is enough. I read about the mistakes other women have made on the no-contact policy. There is nothing to bind me to that drama any longer, just a few bad memories and a healthy sense of shame and embarrassment. It is terrible to have experienced what I went through but it is in the past and will remain in the past and cannot hurt me anymore. There is little purpose in going over it in my mind unless it is to remind me that it really happened and that such people as the A exist. It makes me sad and anxious to look at the stuff and drama on-line. It's not a picture I want to carry in my head. I am not one of those people who keep hanging on, never letting the past go. The A doesn't deserve another thought in my head and I can only hope for the best for his ex and wish her well, here and silently in my head. I really understand what she's been going through. Will I ever check up on her again? Maybe. I'll try not to. At times it seems harmless enough. Maybe my behaviour is holding me back in some ways that I can't see. Maybe the internet and it's famous memory will come back and kick me in the ass. That may be reason enough to quit dwelling on this painful chapter. I think it may be affecting me in other ways too.
Thank you for your thoughts on this and other topics. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you for helping me put a stop to my stalking!
As to what I've been doing to take care of myself, I practice yoga. I have had no problems with my knee that I damaged with the A and I am always careful with my stretches. The pain hasn't returned. I do aerobics at home and I don't do weights anymore. Maybe I will start pushing weights again, but I scared myself. I don't want to hurt my knee again. I am meditating. I also eat healthy foods and have put on a few healthy kilos since last year. I avoid red meat and watch I don't drink more than 3 beer when I go out; most times I eat white meat, sometimes fish and have only one beer. I treat myself to new clothes often and let some grey hairs come in. My hair has rewarded me by not breaking as it used to, though I am tempted to colour it. Some days I am dissatisfied with my appearance. Allergies are acting up this winter.
I am buying a motorcycle, a dual-purpose for off-roading. Last summer I and the wonderful man who came into my life went on a two-week road trip and bike rally. It was a great adventure and we've become close. This summer I am planning some local trips and practice for heading south next winter where he and I can explore some back-country together. I've never met anyone like him before. He has a strong and gentle spirit. He treats me like a queen and I am starting to show him that I am not as fragile as he might think. I've always wanted a motorcycle. He has taken up yoga practice with me and I have to mention he is astounding and a natural at it. There is a rich sub-text to our relationship and neutral ground where we talk and love. We may even get married. I will know when the time is right. Right now I am longing to take it to the next level.
On Stalking the A, his Exploits and his Ex.
I have felt guilty about checking up on the A's woman and have decided this very day to stop. Enough is enough. I read about the mistakes other women have made on the no-contact policy. There is nothing to bind me to that drama any longer, just a few bad memories and a healthy sense of shame and embarrassment. It is terrible to have experienced what I went through but it is in the past and will remain in the past and cannot hurt me anymore. There is little purpose in going over it in my mind unless it is to remind me that it really happened and that such people as the A exist. It makes me sad and anxious to look at the stuff and drama on-line. It's not a picture I want to carry in my head. I am not one of those people who keep hanging on, never letting the past go. The A doesn't deserve another thought in my head and I can only hope for the best for his ex and wish her well, here and silently in my head. I really understand what she's been going through. Will I ever check up on her again? Maybe. I'll try not to. At times it seems harmless enough. Maybe my behaviour is holding me back in some ways that I can't see. Maybe the internet and it's famous memory will come back and kick me in the ass. That may be reason enough to quit dwelling on this painful chapter. I think it may be affecting me in other ways too.
Thank you for your thoughts on this and other topics. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you for helping me put a stop to my stalking!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
I am not checking up today on the A's victim. His addictions counselor friend. His ex. The purpose of this posting is to say I am done with the cyber stalking. The A's woman and his exploits are none of my business and I already know far too much of what is none of my business. I am not her judge. I have done all I can to not be her judge, but with what she's posted I feel first and foremost she's a fool to put it out there on facebook and the internet.
I pretty much watched her whole situation evolve on facebook, from photos she posted of the A. and fun dates, through family crisis right up to about now. What have I learned? I have learned I feel sympathy for her and myself. And I can see how far I've come. And I can see where she has been even more foolish than me. I was surprised to find out she was an addictions counselor, or at least had been trained as one ten years prior to this. She posted her old graduation photos and greeted her facebook friends who went through the same training. I find her downfall fascinating, seeing she was highly-prepared through her addictions training. This was after months of publicly mourning and berating herself for continuing to see the A, angry posts and asking him to come back. This must be the "allow yourself to feel what you feel" phase of healing. Hmmm.
Yeah, I was supposed to be learning something all along from her postings. I could see love was wise/unwise and unselfish/selfish. A paradox. That everyone should stop using marijuana. It sounded to me like the A was switched from one addictive substance to another.
As I said, I have been aware of this lady from early on. The A picks his victims from women who give him sympathy. He would have made a point of telling her select facts about me, to set up the straw woman (so to speak,) and garner sympathy like he did to me concerning his past relationship with his ex. That continues to disturb me, but there is nothing I can do.
I've had a lot to think about and have gained a surprising and new perspective on this chapter of my life.
The best way forward is to stop now watching her and let her live on happily-ever-after, or not.
This sounds the thing to do.
I pretty much watched her whole situation evolve on facebook, from photos she posted of the A. and fun dates, through family crisis right up to about now. What have I learned? I have learned I feel sympathy for her and myself. And I can see how far I've come. And I can see where she has been even more foolish than me. I was surprised to find out she was an addictions counselor, or at least had been trained as one ten years prior to this. She posted her old graduation photos and greeted her facebook friends who went through the same training. I find her downfall fascinating, seeing she was highly-prepared through her addictions training. This was after months of publicly mourning and berating herself for continuing to see the A, angry posts and asking him to come back. This must be the "allow yourself to feel what you feel" phase of healing. Hmmm.
Yeah, I was supposed to be learning something all along from her postings. I could see love was wise/unwise and unselfish/selfish. A paradox. That everyone should stop using marijuana. It sounded to me like the A was switched from one addictive substance to another.
As I said, I have been aware of this lady from early on. The A picks his victims from women who give him sympathy. He would have made a point of telling her select facts about me, to set up the straw woman (so to speak,) and garner sympathy like he did to me concerning his past relationship with his ex. That continues to disturb me, but there is nothing I can do.
I've had a lot to think about and have gained a surprising and new perspective on this chapter of my life.
The best way forward is to stop now watching her and let her live on happily-ever-after, or not.
This sounds the thing to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Taking care of business
I'm still not looking at the stuff on facebook and plenty of fish. Hurrah for me!
Who is that curious about an ex anyway? Not me. (Well, not any more. So.)
Not me. I am starting to miss checking up on the A and his ex on facebook. I seem to be spending too much time examining this old injury and assessing the extent of it.
I have lots to do today. Yesterday I realized I am doing very well and capable of doing much better. This after a routine visit to my doctor's for a check-up. I must be doing something right. I looked around my neighbourhood and saw the beauty of the familiar and realized I knew everyone, the vehicles, the shops, the people and I was a tad impressed. Life. Ahh.
Every once in a while, a person can be seized by an unreasonable sense of well-being.
(To editorialize my own stuff here, this entry is very similar in tone to the A's ex's posts on facebook, sans dreamy photo. I hope everyone can do without it. It is strange to me to realize I must have been stalking these two and not even admitting it to myself. Sigh.)
Who is that curious about an ex anyway? Not me. (Well, not any more. So.)
Not me. I am starting to miss checking up on the A and his ex on facebook. I seem to be spending too much time examining this old injury and assessing the extent of it.
I have lots to do today. Yesterday I realized I am doing very well and capable of doing much better. This after a routine visit to my doctor's for a check-up. I must be doing something right. I looked around my neighbourhood and saw the beauty of the familiar and realized I knew everyone, the vehicles, the shops, the people and I was a tad impressed. Life. Ahh.
Every once in a while, a person can be seized by an unreasonable sense of well-being.
(To editorialize my own stuff here, this entry is very similar in tone to the A's ex's posts on facebook, sans dreamy photo. I hope everyone can do without it. It is strange to me to realize I must have been stalking these two and not even admitting it to myself. Sigh.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Internet Sensations
Hello Forum,
I am going to change-up my routine of reading my facebook in the morning so that I am not tempted to look at how it's going for the A's ex. I can't quite decide how this is going to work yet. I don't want to parse it down to the exact amount of time I have been ruminating on her life and times, but let's just say I have spent at least a total of an hour on days when she posted photos of him, or when I have a new idea on how to find out more about what's been going on. Sigh.
So. This is how my stalking has worked.
I logged in, read my facebook, then I searched her name and information. She must have changed her privacy settings since then because there was almost nothing on her page. Then, after a few times, pay dirt. I found photos of the A and I felt wretched, but I thought, good. Good for me to see this. Clearly over and done with. I still felt pain though. It hurt to see his picture. And to read his somewhat lascivious comment about their great sex. Looking at this stuff caused me pain, anxiety and guilt. And grim satisfaction when she and the A broke up a few months later. But things changed for me after that. I started to feel empathy.
She was so hurt. She put her hurt on the same scale as losing her son. One day she would be making posts about her pain that could be interpreted as her pain of losing the A. And another time it would be clearly about her boy. She'd repost from memorial pages dedicated to those left behind after a death. For those who are hanging onto a tragic romance. Exhortations for strong women who don't need rotten men. Men who had seen the light and could help others do the same. Her likes started fluctuating when her personal platitudes were almost incomprehensible; her words were so inward and convoluted. Read confused woman in pain.
Internet sensations.
Enough.
I waste a sizable amount of time when I have other more important things to do. Instead of cruising around on the internet I have a list of things just off the top of my head that I could be doing instead. Doesn't everyone have something else to do that would be a better use of time?
I resent the time I've spent describing this stalking. Way too much time. That should do me for today.
It's a beautiful day out there today. Almost as nice as yesterday. I was out for probably four hours enjoying the weather. This indoor stuff, me sitting here putting this out is pure penance.
I am going to change-up my routine of reading my facebook in the morning so that I am not tempted to look at how it's going for the A's ex. I can't quite decide how this is going to work yet. I don't want to parse it down to the exact amount of time I have been ruminating on her life and times, but let's just say I have spent at least a total of an hour on days when she posted photos of him, or when I have a new idea on how to find out more about what's been going on. Sigh.
So. This is how my stalking has worked.
I logged in, read my facebook, then I searched her name and information. She must have changed her privacy settings since then because there was almost nothing on her page. Then, after a few times, pay dirt. I found photos of the A and I felt wretched, but I thought, good. Good for me to see this. Clearly over and done with. I still felt pain though. It hurt to see his picture. And to read his somewhat lascivious comment about their great sex. Looking at this stuff caused me pain, anxiety and guilt. And grim satisfaction when she and the A broke up a few months later. But things changed for me after that. I started to feel empathy.
She was so hurt. She put her hurt on the same scale as losing her son. One day she would be making posts about her pain that could be interpreted as her pain of losing the A. And another time it would be clearly about her boy. She'd repost from memorial pages dedicated to those left behind after a death. For those who are hanging onto a tragic romance. Exhortations for strong women who don't need rotten men. Men who had seen the light and could help others do the same. Her likes started fluctuating when her personal platitudes were almost incomprehensible; her words were so inward and convoluted. Read confused woman in pain.
Internet sensations.
Enough.
I waste a sizable amount of time when I have other more important things to do. Instead of cruising around on the internet I have a list of things just off the top of my head that I could be doing instead. Doesn't everyone have something else to do that would be a better use of time?
I resent the time I've spent describing this stalking. Way too much time. That should do me for today.
It's a beautiful day out there today. Almost as nice as yesterday. I was out for probably four hours enjoying the weather. This indoor stuff, me sitting here putting this out is pure penance.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Meercat, there's your life, waiting for you to live it fully. You can't live it reading this woman's fb page, that's like stealing time from your OWN LIFE...and we all forget just how those days we have left are limited.
Those beautiful days outside your window are telling you something--go get them! Don't waste your oh so precious time!
I think it's time you consider putting him truly behind you. He's hurt another, he hasn't changed, you know this for fact now.
But you are free of him.
Set yourself free the rest of the way and never look back.
Those beautiful days outside your window are telling you something--go get them! Don't waste your oh so precious time!
I think it's time you consider putting him truly behind you. He's hurt another, he hasn't changed, you know this for fact now.
But you are free of him.
Set yourself free the rest of the way and never look back.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Reading your post reminds me of a non alcoholic guy I dated who had another addiction. He suffered from depression too and also talked about killing himself. I too was more worried about him than about me and I supported him financially too. In fact, I even moved in with him to be able to help him further. That resulted in my doing everything around the house and working while he engaged in his addiction. I kept hoping he would sort himself out and realise the potential I saw in him. This is the future I see for you if this continues.
You know what I learnt? People who talk about suicide almost never do it. It's the ones who don't talk about it that do. It took meeting another guy (my alcoholic ex - i know, i know) who offered me so much better for me to kick him out.
We parted agreeing to stay friends and see how things panned out. To be honest, I only kept the relationship door open to give him hope. It took him 6 months before he started working a recovery. He now has 9months mostly clean and we are good friends. I don't feel responsible for him and he doesn't expect me to be. In other words, we are both much happier andboth much healthier now. Whether the future holds anything for us, I don't know, but I am glad that I left.
Just my experience, I hope it helps you get a glimpse of what life could be both with him further down the line, or how a break up could look.
You know what I learnt? People who talk about suicide almost never do it. It's the ones who don't talk about it that do. It took meeting another guy (my alcoholic ex - i know, i know) who offered me so much better for me to kick him out.
We parted agreeing to stay friends and see how things panned out. To be honest, I only kept the relationship door open to give him hope. It took him 6 months before he started working a recovery. He now has 9months mostly clean and we are good friends. I don't feel responsible for him and he doesn't expect me to be. In other words, we are both much happier andboth much healthier now. Whether the future holds anything for us, I don't know, but I am glad that I left.
Just my experience, I hope it helps you get a glimpse of what life could be both with him further down the line, or how a break up could look.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
The A, the ex and My Facebook Stalking Issue
Hello Forum,
Today I was a wee bit tempted to look at the A's ex's Facebook. I resisted without too much thinking about it, other than to post on Sober Recovery to the one who announced he had posted to his facebook that he's an alcoholic. Whew! Bad idea. I don't think you should post that sort of personal information on Facebook.
Did I look at the A's ex's Facebook today? No. How did I resist?
Before I got a hold of myself I remembered that I had decided not to stalk this lady anymore. I remembered to resist my habit to read about what she chooses to say on her facebook about her life and goings-on. I find it makes me sad to dwell on the A and to think about the misery he caused me. I think about how I lost my dignity and self-respect. I was so busy thinking about him and his problems that my own life was circling the drain. I tried so hard to be everything to him even as my mind and heart told me to get away. I was spinning out of control when I found Sober Recovery. I had found a path to safety and well-being by following the advice I was given. I am so happy to see that this website has expanded to include information for people like me. I was addicted to an addict. I am fully aware that one day I won't post here anymore. I will be free.
I am so thankful to have taken control of my life again. I don't want my compulsion to check up on him and his ex, or whatever she is to him.
Please review Safety Precautions. WARNING: Anonymity/Internet Predators.
If you scroll down a bit farther on that page, read about a woman who was victimized on this forum by an internet stalker. A false friend.
Be very careful about befriending people on the internet. I met the A on Plenty of Fish. A dating website. I thought I was safe at first with the A because I had met him in a workplace years before. Little did I know that he was a threat to each and every person he is in contact with. Internet dating forums are his hunting grounds. There is nothing to stop him from victimizing people in recovery. I have witnessed his exploitation of a trained addictions counselor. Don't think that he and his ilk are not out on Sober Recovery.
The A is a skillful manipulator and a player. He enjoys making women do what he wants and uses them in every way he can to get the excitement and thrills he craves. He does this without conscience and justifies everything he does. He makes you feel you deserve and were asking for everything you get. And all you get is pain. He is very clever, cold and ruthless.
I would go so far as to say he is a psychopath.
Please be very careful on the internet. Do not get into a relationship with an addict.
The point about the internet is that there are good reasons to be anonymous in any forum. I am afraid to post anything that might tell a reader my real identity. Even if there is only an infinitesimal chance he ever reads my posts, I am afraid of the A and of the violence that surrounds him. Violence can fall on anyone who gets drawn into a web of lies and secrecy. He thrives on, enjoys and justifies violence as part of the human condition. He normalizes his brand of sex and danger and draws you into his addiction. He lives hard. He is handsome and he is dangerous. Co-dependents are expendable to addicts. I remember he told me a story, probably about himself, about a woman who was distraught in love and died in a car accident. I now believe he was the one involved with her prior to her death. He is definitely linked to her death by his intimate knowledge of her circumstances.
I feel tainted when I think about him.
I hope by posting to Sober Recovery I can save others from being used and manipulated by someone like the A. I am not a counselor. I am here for help on quitting this man and ending this sad chapter in my life.
This may be my last posting here for a while.
To quote an old Kenny Roger's song, "I just checked in to see what condition my condition is in."
Please read the stickie on When Does the Pain Stop. Stay strong and hang in there for your own sake. I'm honestly not going to have a bad day after this. I am simply doing penance for being a co-conspirator in my own misfortune. I deserve better than this.
Today I was a wee bit tempted to look at the A's ex's Facebook. I resisted without too much thinking about it, other than to post on Sober Recovery to the one who announced he had posted to his facebook that he's an alcoholic. Whew! Bad idea. I don't think you should post that sort of personal information on Facebook.
Did I look at the A's ex's Facebook today? No. How did I resist?
Before I got a hold of myself I remembered that I had decided not to stalk this lady anymore. I remembered to resist my habit to read about what she chooses to say on her facebook about her life and goings-on. I find it makes me sad to dwell on the A and to think about the misery he caused me. I think about how I lost my dignity and self-respect. I was so busy thinking about him and his problems that my own life was circling the drain. I tried so hard to be everything to him even as my mind and heart told me to get away. I was spinning out of control when I found Sober Recovery. I had found a path to safety and well-being by following the advice I was given. I am so happy to see that this website has expanded to include information for people like me. I was addicted to an addict. I am fully aware that one day I won't post here anymore. I will be free.
I am so thankful to have taken control of my life again. I don't want my compulsion to check up on him and his ex, or whatever she is to him.
Please review Safety Precautions. WARNING: Anonymity/Internet Predators.
If you scroll down a bit farther on that page, read about a woman who was victimized on this forum by an internet stalker. A false friend.
Be very careful about befriending people on the internet. I met the A on Plenty of Fish. A dating website. I thought I was safe at first with the A because I had met him in a workplace years before. Little did I know that he was a threat to each and every person he is in contact with. Internet dating forums are his hunting grounds. There is nothing to stop him from victimizing people in recovery. I have witnessed his exploitation of a trained addictions counselor. Don't think that he and his ilk are not out on Sober Recovery.
The A is a skillful manipulator and a player. He enjoys making women do what he wants and uses them in every way he can to get the excitement and thrills he craves. He does this without conscience and justifies everything he does. He makes you feel you deserve and were asking for everything you get. And all you get is pain. He is very clever, cold and ruthless.
I would go so far as to say he is a psychopath.
Please be very careful on the internet. Do not get into a relationship with an addict.
The point about the internet is that there are good reasons to be anonymous in any forum. I am afraid to post anything that might tell a reader my real identity. Even if there is only an infinitesimal chance he ever reads my posts, I am afraid of the A and of the violence that surrounds him. Violence can fall on anyone who gets drawn into a web of lies and secrecy. He thrives on, enjoys and justifies violence as part of the human condition. He normalizes his brand of sex and danger and draws you into his addiction. He lives hard. He is handsome and he is dangerous. Co-dependents are expendable to addicts. I remember he told me a story, probably about himself, about a woman who was distraught in love and died in a car accident. I now believe he was the one involved with her prior to her death. He is definitely linked to her death by his intimate knowledge of her circumstances.
I feel tainted when I think about him.
I hope by posting to Sober Recovery I can save others from being used and manipulated by someone like the A. I am not a counselor. I am here for help on quitting this man and ending this sad chapter in my life.
This may be my last posting here for a while.
To quote an old Kenny Roger's song, "I just checked in to see what condition my condition is in."
Please read the stickie on When Does the Pain Stop. Stay strong and hang in there for your own sake. I'm honestly not going to have a bad day after this. I am simply doing penance for being a co-conspirator in my own misfortune. I deserve better than this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
Hyper-vigilance and Living Without Fear Hello Forum,
I used to live in a state of hyper-vigilance when I was with the A.
I worried what would be next.
I worried he would kill himself. I worried he would kill me. I worried he was cheating on me. I worried he wasn't eating or taking care of himself. I worried he would be hurt in a fight. I worried he would drink and drive. I worried he wouldn't pay his fines. I worried he would go to jail. I worried he would never stop hating his wife and never divorce her. I worried he had disowned his children. I worried he wasn't paying child support. I worried he would have some sort of incident with police or at work. I was worried he was drinking and using drugs. I worried that he disrespected me. I worried he was misrepresenting us to his friends. I worried that he was lying to me. I worried I would give in and see him again.
It was exhausting. It's unbelievable I used to live like this.
Sometimes I still worry that he could come back into my life and make it into a nightmare again. But that can't happen. I am a different person and I see him for who he is and the effect he has on others.
If you've lived like this I hope you have made the right choice and have gotten out of your situation.
I used to live in a state of hyper-vigilance when I was with the A.
I worried what would be next.
I worried he would kill himself. I worried he would kill me. I worried he was cheating on me. I worried he wasn't eating or taking care of himself. I worried he would be hurt in a fight. I worried he would drink and drive. I worried he wouldn't pay his fines. I worried he would go to jail. I worried he would never stop hating his wife and never divorce her. I worried he had disowned his children. I worried he wasn't paying child support. I worried he would have some sort of incident with police or at work. I was worried he was drinking and using drugs. I worried that he disrespected me. I worried he was misrepresenting us to his friends. I worried that he was lying to me. I worried I would give in and see him again.
It was exhausting. It's unbelievable I used to live like this.
Sometimes I still worry that he could come back into my life and make it into a nightmare again. But that can't happen. I am a different person and I see him for who he is and the effect he has on others.
If you've lived like this I hope you have made the right choice and have gotten out of your situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 49
This is Ridiculous! Taking a break from posting
Hello Forum,
I need to take a break from S.R. I just realized I've been mulling for about three hours now.
Why?
It's truly the time commitment and how this thinking is affecting me. I am sorry but I equate S.R. time with time I can better use doing something else. I feel sad when I think about the A and all the time I've wasted.
Hopefully you won't be seeing me on here anytime again soon.
Yup. Taking a break.
I hope something of what I have shared is of use to you. You've been a help to me as well.
I need to take a break from S.R. I just realized I've been mulling for about three hours now.
Why?
It's truly the time commitment and how this thinking is affecting me. I am sorry but I equate S.R. time with time I can better use doing something else. I feel sad when I think about the A and all the time I've wasted.
Hopefully you won't be seeing me on here anytime again soon.
Yup. Taking a break.
I hope something of what I have shared is of use to you. You've been a help to me as well.
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