luv2teachkids

It's been a while since I posted. I have such mixed feelings that I can't explain. My AH is three weeks sober, no drinking. One minute everything's great and he's into me and wants to hang out with me, the next you'd think it hurts him to look or talk to me. I don't get it. I feel as if he's in attracted to me completely anymore and like everything I do either pisses him off or annoys him.

Marriage isn't supposed to be like this. I want to be happy, yet I'm just so depressed. I'm only happy anymore when I'm working.

Just like when he was drinking, I feel like I look for him to give me any bit if affection or attention to be happy. When I don't have it, I'm lost. It makes me sound do weak and insecure. I hate that. He knows how bothered I am. Is this his way of still having control over me? I hate the emotional rollercoaster.

It's funny. A high school friend contacted me last night for the first time on twenty years and I smiled so much to hear his voice. For just a small bit of time, I was happy. Shouldn't I be feeling this way more? Especially since he's not drinking?

LexieCat

Three weeks isn't much time for either one of you. Is he in AA or another recovery program? If so, and if he is working at it, it can take months before you realize the benefits of sobriety. If not, you may not notice much change.

What are YOU doing for your own recovery? Are you going to Al-Anon? Your recovery doesn't have to wait on his, nor should it.

And even if you are both working hard at recovery, like I said, three weeks isn't very long.

luv2teachkids

I made it to two meetings. Then, to be honest, I didn't go again. Meetings here are only once a week and each time he's been in a great mood and been doing stuff with me so I figured I didn't need to go.

I guess in my heart I think if he's not drinking I don't have need for alanon...yet prob so much of these issues go back to the drinking? I dunno.

DroPsoJuPiTeR

My husband is newly sober also, and isnt easy to be around ....we wish if only they would stop drinking or drugging that life would be so much better, but actually it just uncovers new problems to deal with....
which is why we need to understand that alcoholism is a family disease and we become sick ourselves. even if your husband is not in a program , you will truly benefit from something like alanon, to help with your issues. some of the things you say , (like looking for attention from him to make yourself happy) i think is a part of codependency.... .... we arent supposed to look for others to make us happy, we we cant count on anyone to make us happy but ourselves, and thats what alanon teaches. among with lotttts of other things.
in turn, you husband may see you living a different way and having a different attitude and he may want to help himself ...
like i said im pretty new in this too, but im taking tthe meetings seriously and doing step work on me, and its going to take a long time to dig into all my issues, but im worth it and you are too.
also read read read. read here, there are sticky notes on some forums that are VERY HELPFUL! and a book called codependent no more if you look it up on amazon, you can maybe get a used one. i cant wait to get mine in the mail, ive only heard amazing things about it from here and the meetings.
good luck, and know youre NOT the only one having this problem and ive found this place is an awesome one for support and resources
Oh and one other book that I just got from alanon the other night was
The Dilemma of the alcoholic marriage. it brought more insight also

thislonelygirl

omg! im going through the SAME thing.
i feel the EXACT same way. since my ah has NOT been drinking and on medication he has been distant. its almost like he cant stand to be around me or talk to me. its been frustrating me beyond belief and lonely!
my ah knows it bothers me also and assures me he still loves me etc but he is just not there. No , a relationship, a marriage is NOT suppost to be like that. we should feel wanted and secure and even without alcohol in the middle....recovery is.
Ive been going through many emotions with this and even though i am still hurt and upset, i am telling myself its just something the alcoholic does when in recoveery. sometimes it takes awhile and so i am trying to be positive and keep it together. doing things for myself has helped but like you, there is still a void and a lonesome that he is changing possibly us in different directions . stay strong and enjoy looking after yourself and your recovery. time heals and things will get better no matter what

Rosiepetal

Living with an alcoholic is hard.
Living with a recovering alcoholic is equally as hard.
It calls for a lot of patience on both parties.
Both parties also need to focus on their own paths for while & let the other do the work they need to do to become healthy again.

dandylion

Dear luv2teach, it sounds like you feel like you are nothing without him.....

dandylion

jmartin

My AW has been relapsing on and off for ten years. I know well that feeling - she is sober, why am I not happy? Of course, think about it - new sobriety probably came about due to a major moment of crisis, with at least one party at wits end. The hurt and disappointment and stress of living with the disease and the latest crisis are still fresh, trust and confidence are low, the possibility of relapse lurks, and we beat ourselves up for not being overjoyed that the A is finally - possibly - functional! As has been said over and over, their sobriety is just a beginning, not the destination. Impossible to make progress without it, but I see now more than ever that we cannot expect that first step to fix things, and that feeling that way is perfectly NORMAL.

AnvilheadII

Marriage isn't supposed to be like this.

this is a crucial point....what do you think marriage SHOULD be like?

I hear you saying you look to HIM to MAKE you happy.....and that upon hearing from an old HS chum for a moment you "felt" happy. is it perhaps time to stop looking outward for that thing that will "fix" you, and look for it instead inside of YOU?

Lynnrae2

I am going through the same thing. Mine has been sober now for nearly 90 days. I am the one that went through every bit of it with him. At the time, he wanted to be a family with me. He told me he wanted to marry me. He told me he couldnt have done any of that without me.

now, we no longer speak. It took about 3 weeks for him to change his mind about me. He says I press him to hard. He is not the same person. He wants absolutley nothing to do with me.

How does that happen? How do you go from being proposed too, to being shut out of his life completely.


That is an awful, awful feeling.

luv2teachkids

Well, after a few weeks of this, I am so close to checking out. I hate feeling inadequate and being told all the time that I am the bad one. I try and try and try yet nothing makes this man happy anymore. I don't want to leave him, yet at the same time, I want to be happy.

I had a glimpse of happiness this weekend. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but a guy friend from high school whom I haven't seen in 23 years was in town and asked me to go out with some other friends. I did and had the night of my life. He just kept reminding me that I am special and I should not let anyone take that away from me. As the night went on I noticed how low my confidence really has become...sad. It's been since Sat. and he is still texting me and making me feel on top of the world...

then I go home...I go home to being the person who can't do anything right again and who's husband can't seem to stand me or my kids... sigh.

Dublin

The title of this thread really struck me my RA is almost 90 days sober and I know at the start he was just a dry drunk, same arguments same patterns and I felt recovery was almost worse than being drunk at times, but further into recovery I see him really try and I have to catch myself when I get angry and question is that anger for what has just happened or for past hurt. I found the book codependent no more really useful for me to look at my own behaviour and the part I play in a situation and listening to others at meetings helps me look at the situation and not beat myself up but call myself on my own take.

It's hard. Of course we have expectations from a relationship and from a marriage and if we aren't seeing what we want we will react but we have choice and it is not simple and taking time over those choices is good. I second what others have said about meetings and reading. When I have seen results for myself were the times I did not just react to the situation but thought out what I wanted to do and how I wanted to be. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you strength and happiness.

SolTraveler

Luv2 teach... ((Hugs))

He needs to be working some sort of program, if he isn't. If AA isn't his speed (and to be honest, it wasn't for me, I do rational recovery) there are many other options. The key is to not give up.

It sounds like there are a few issues here:

1. Co-dependency. This is where Al-Anon helps SO much. Your feelings simply can't hinge on his. No one can go on that way, especially with an A. Al-Anon will teach you to separate yourself from him and to live your own life when he simply isn't feeling like company or is having a hard time. Those skills are just as important when they are not drinking.

2. The old friend. Be very, very careful. And I am speaking from bitter experience here!! It is all too easy to look to someone else to validate you. That is not the path that anyone in a bad relationship should be taking, especially if your SO is an alcoholic and you have co-dependent tendencies. All you will do is transfer your co-dependency to someone else, which is just as unhealthy, and you will put the final nail in the coffin for your family. You must be very, very sure that this is what you want to do and it doesn't sound like you are in a healthy enough place the make that determination.

I have been married three times, and I am only 36. Take my life as a cautionary tale!! My first marriage happened when I was barely out of my teens. My husband was an abuser. A friend started noticing me at work and made me feel good about myself, so I divorced my first husband and married him. This friend hurt his back, became addicted to painkillers, and was chronically unemployed. I had an affair, divorced husband 2, and married husband 3. Husband 3 was an immature man-child who wanted a mommy. At first, it was just nice to be noticed. Then it grew tiresome. Had an affair. Divorced husband 3.

Now I am with my boyfriend, a functional alcoholic. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Hooray.

Anyway, my case is extreme, to be sure, but it happens all too easily and I know many women who have done that same as I have - gone from man to man seeking validation. No man can validate you. YOU must validate you.

It could be that your marriage is truly on the rocks. But you have children - maybe get some counseling before you go any further? If you decide to do that, I would strongly advise you to no longer see the old friend, at least for now.

If, after counseling, you decide it is over, maybe the old friend is the one. Who knows? But it sure doesn't sound like you are in a condition to decide. In that case, if I were you (and if I could live my life over again) I would strongly suggest distancing yourself from the old friend. Just be alone for awhile. Learn about YOU and learn how to take care of yourself on your own terms, not some man's. Then you will be a much better judge of what is healthy and what is not, and you can make a much better decision about your future.

So anyway, those are my 2 cents. I wish someone had told me this when I was 21!! LOL! I would have made many, many different choices.

As for me, if it doesn't work out with my BF, and chances are good that it will not, I plan to be alone for a loooong while, at least until I can get my head together. I am so over worrying about someone else's needs. I need to focus on myself and my kids. Then, maybe later on I will be in a better place and I will meet someone who is truly right for me. Or maybe not. At this point I am so worn out that I hardly care!

I hope this helps.

((Hugs))

Alex

luv2teachkids

Thanks for your words

My kids are not his kids. He has three of his own that I love without limits. He, on the other hand, resents my kids to no end. This entire situation is unhealthy.

wicked

Do you mean so many of your issues go back to his drinking?
Or his issues?

If he resents your children, that is so unhealthy for them.

How old are your children luv2teachkids?

luv2teachkids

Wicked..
I meant so many of our issues together as a couple go back to his drinking.
and..so many of his issues go back to the drinking.

Do I have issues? I am sure I certainly do. I enabled him to no end when he drank. I also clearly needed to learn to detach. I think I am doing a little better with that, but I have a very long way to go.

As for my kids...they are 11 and 12. My boys are amazing. He doesn't see it that way, however. He ignores them, and they ignore him. It is such a healthy situation (NOT). I blame myself for that part. I should have never went through with my marriage and gotten involved in the first place with the hopes that things would grow into more than it was..

SolTraveler

Well, it could be that his recovery just came too late in the game to save the relationship, if there was anything to save. (?) Take your time and think about it. You do not have to decide now. Take it slow.

At any rate, I applaud you for your strength and bravery. You have certainly been through a lot.

redatlanta

Sounds like you guys could use some marriage counseling.

Putting the booze down (IMO) is the easiest part of sobriety. Dealing with life as a sober person is the hardest.

Unfortunately without a recovery program helping him achieve true sobriety and recovery i don't see these issues going away.

My own personal experience in this situation is to find myself "demonizing" the other person - being ultra sensitive and picking them apart for each and every thing they do to in my mind justify wanting out. I don't know if that's the situation here; however, it sounds like you are very black and white as to what is acceptable in the marriage right now. When he is "into you" great - when he is moody or not wanting to spend time with you you are upset. Be careful of the metric that you are using to measure the success of your relationship because as it is now he isn't going to measure up to your expectations.

As lexie said 3 weeks is an incredibly short time in sobriety.

Tread careful with your old friend. The comparison between him and your husband is unfair and I am pretty certain unacceptable if your husband knew. Been down that road before and it has nowhere to end but one way....badly.