New to the forum....finally walked away
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
New to the forum....finally walked away
Hello everyone. I found this site while searching for ways to let go of an alcoholic husband. I am hoping that it will help to bring closure and peace of mind as I move forward with letting go.
My husband and I have a beautiful 7 month old son who is blind due to Norrie Disease and I am currently 5 months pregnant with our second son. He has been an alcoholic his entire adult life and also has mental health issues that contribute to his drinking. He has been diagnosed paranoid personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, alcohol dependency and cannabis dependency. Before I met him he spent several years in prison and lost his license for life for multiple offenses including OWIs and intimidation on law enforcement. I knew when i met him what his struggles were, but like many, I saw the good sides to him and I believed that with help he could overcome his issues. Last December we separated due to his drinking (for him he left the relationship because he saw me as the issue, the cause of his drinking, a constant source of drama that he no longer wanted to deal with.) For a few months we attempted to fix the marriage and kept talking and seeing each other on weekends for family outings. The longer we lived apart, the more I saw him sinking lower and lower mentally and struggling more and more with his drinking. He lives with a father who is a huge enabler and sadly, wants him drunk so that he can use him and keep him there. In the past 3 months I have called the police on him several times for being intoxicated and violent and he has been picked up for being intoxicated in public as well. Due to his increased drinking, the fact that he hit me and how hostile he has been acting, i filed a protective order against him for myself and the kids. At the same time, he informed me he filed for divorce.
Even though i realize how toxic it is to have him in my life or my kids lives, i cant help but be hurt by all of this. I love him very much and i believe that his hatred for me is due to the fact that I will not enable his drinking. I believe in self-accountability and this is a concept that does not exist for him. He blames me for his drinking, his loss of control, his spiral downwards. I know that logic says that he is just deferring his issues onto me and using me as a scapegoat because he had these issues long before he met me, but it still hurts. He convinces everyone else in his life that he is a victim and i am crazy and dangerous (because all I want is for him to return to prison according to him and his family.) I know that he is already seeing someone else and i feel pity for her because he will just use her until he decides to throw her away as well. He is attempting now to do whatever he can to ruin my reputation and credibility and it is painful to go through. All I want at this point is to let go and keep my kids safe. I feel terribly about keeping him from our son, but at the same time I know how much of a danger he is to him if left alone with him.
So, my question to those who have been through this.....How do you let go emotionally? I know that being pregnant is making it harder, but I feel so many emotions and the pain seems overwhelming right now.
My husband and I have a beautiful 7 month old son who is blind due to Norrie Disease and I am currently 5 months pregnant with our second son. He has been an alcoholic his entire adult life and also has mental health issues that contribute to his drinking. He has been diagnosed paranoid personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, alcohol dependency and cannabis dependency. Before I met him he spent several years in prison and lost his license for life for multiple offenses including OWIs and intimidation on law enforcement. I knew when i met him what his struggles were, but like many, I saw the good sides to him and I believed that with help he could overcome his issues. Last December we separated due to his drinking (for him he left the relationship because he saw me as the issue, the cause of his drinking, a constant source of drama that he no longer wanted to deal with.) For a few months we attempted to fix the marriage and kept talking and seeing each other on weekends for family outings. The longer we lived apart, the more I saw him sinking lower and lower mentally and struggling more and more with his drinking. He lives with a father who is a huge enabler and sadly, wants him drunk so that he can use him and keep him there. In the past 3 months I have called the police on him several times for being intoxicated and violent and he has been picked up for being intoxicated in public as well. Due to his increased drinking, the fact that he hit me and how hostile he has been acting, i filed a protective order against him for myself and the kids. At the same time, he informed me he filed for divorce.
Even though i realize how toxic it is to have him in my life or my kids lives, i cant help but be hurt by all of this. I love him very much and i believe that his hatred for me is due to the fact that I will not enable his drinking. I believe in self-accountability and this is a concept that does not exist for him. He blames me for his drinking, his loss of control, his spiral downwards. I know that logic says that he is just deferring his issues onto me and using me as a scapegoat because he had these issues long before he met me, but it still hurts. He convinces everyone else in his life that he is a victim and i am crazy and dangerous (because all I want is for him to return to prison according to him and his family.) I know that he is already seeing someone else and i feel pity for her because he will just use her until he decides to throw her away as well. He is attempting now to do whatever he can to ruin my reputation and credibility and it is painful to go through. All I want at this point is to let go and keep my kids safe. I feel terribly about keeping him from our son, but at the same time I know how much of a danger he is to him if left alone with him.
So, my question to those who have been through this.....How do you let go emotionally? I know that being pregnant is making it harder, but I feel so many emotions and the pain seems overwhelming right now.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a really great site with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are. I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason why.
Please read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum as there is lots and lots of great information there!!!!
What helped me to start 'letting go' was to make a PRO/CON list about staying together. taking an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper, and drawing a line down the middle the long way, putting Pro on top on one side, and Con on top on the other side. It took a few days to finish it, and even then I would think of something else and add it to the appropriate column.
Once I was done, a few days later, I took a bit of 'quiet time' in my day and read the whole paper. Now needless to say, the 'Con' list was much longer than the 'Pro' list. I had to read it several times a day at first, then daily, and they every few days, etc.
With my first husband I still had minor children at home, and I had to look at that list with my children's future in mind. Did I want them learning that this is the way an adult treats his wife and family? Is this what I wanted my children to learn? NO it was not! Did I want my children to be more traumatized than they already were? NO I did not!
Every time I reread the list it became a bit easier to start to put him at a distance and let go a bit more. Unfortunately, this does not happen quickly, but it can happen.
You might want to try some Alanon meetings for you, and/or some one on one counseling from someone who specializes in addiction. Keep reading and posting here also, you may not always like what we say, especially in the beginning, but we all share what we know based on the hell each of us went through and what worked for us.
You knew going into this marriage that he had these problems. He told you who is he is and what he is. Now is time to take the blinders off totally and see that he is still telling you who he is. BELIEVE HIM. Once you start believing him, it will become easier to let go, especially if you are looking within yourself to see why you chose to marry this man and have children with him. Because you thought you could fix him? Because you thought he had never had anyone understand him the way you do? Because you thought that with your guidance he could become the man you thought you saw? Because you thought you could fix him?
Those questions are just for you, please do not feel you have to answer them on a public forum. Just a few questions to get you to start working on you, honestly. Answering these questions for yourself will also change your perspective on your whole relationship and in all likelihood will also help with the 'letting go' process.
Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much. Here you can rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Please read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum as there is lots and lots of great information there!!!!
How do you let go emotionally? I know that being pregnant is making it harder, but I feel so many emotions and the pain seems overwhelming right now.
Once I was done, a few days later, I took a bit of 'quiet time' in my day and read the whole paper. Now needless to say, the 'Con' list was much longer than the 'Pro' list. I had to read it several times a day at first, then daily, and they every few days, etc.
With my first husband I still had minor children at home, and I had to look at that list with my children's future in mind. Did I want them learning that this is the way an adult treats his wife and family? Is this what I wanted my children to learn? NO it was not! Did I want my children to be more traumatized than they already were? NO I did not!
Every time I reread the list it became a bit easier to start to put him at a distance and let go a bit more. Unfortunately, this does not happen quickly, but it can happen.
You might want to try some Alanon meetings for you, and/or some one on one counseling from someone who specializes in addiction. Keep reading and posting here also, you may not always like what we say, especially in the beginning, but we all share what we know based on the hell each of us went through and what worked for us.
You knew going into this marriage that he had these problems. He told you who is he is and what he is. Now is time to take the blinders off totally and see that he is still telling you who he is. BELIEVE HIM. Once you start believing him, it will become easier to let go, especially if you are looking within yourself to see why you chose to marry this man and have children with him. Because you thought you could fix him? Because you thought he had never had anyone understand him the way you do? Because you thought that with your guidance he could become the man you thought you saw? Because you thought you could fix him?
Those questions are just for you, please do not feel you have to answer them on a public forum. Just a few questions to get you to start working on you, honestly. Answering these questions for yourself will also change your perspective on your whole relationship and in all likelihood will also help with the 'letting go' process.
Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much. Here you can rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR.
Wow - this is a tough one. You are pregnant with his child. How does one let go emotionally during this time? It should be a time of joy for you. Shoot, I find it hard to have anything positive to say.
First of all - you don't cause his behavior, any more than you cause his drinking. He chooses to behave this way because he's an immature little boy throwing a tantrum. Its especially disgusting because you are pregnant. I would think that most men develop a protective instinct toward the mother of their child while she is pregnant. Instead yours is on a mission to destroy you as if you are the enemy in the war inside his head. That's not how real men act.
Secondly, you know who he is and what he is capable of. Like Laurie says above - believe him.
Lastly, to let go emotionally, you need to accept this reality, even though it sucks. And being the Father of your children, it is your instinct to make him into something better than what he is, because of his role. He isn't. He's an addict acting like an addict. Your kids are so much better off without him in their lives. Frankly, so are you.
Take care of you and that baby - that is most important right now.
Keep coming back,
~T
Wow - this is a tough one. You are pregnant with his child. How does one let go emotionally during this time? It should be a time of joy for you. Shoot, I find it hard to have anything positive to say.
First of all - you don't cause his behavior, any more than you cause his drinking. He chooses to behave this way because he's an immature little boy throwing a tantrum. Its especially disgusting because you are pregnant. I would think that most men develop a protective instinct toward the mother of their child while she is pregnant. Instead yours is on a mission to destroy you as if you are the enemy in the war inside his head. That's not how real men act.
Secondly, you know who he is and what he is capable of. Like Laurie says above - believe him.
Lastly, to let go emotionally, you need to accept this reality, even though it sucks. And being the Father of your children, it is your instinct to make him into something better than what he is, because of his role. He isn't. He's an addict acting like an addict. Your kids are so much better off without him in their lives. Frankly, so are you.
Take care of you and that baby - that is most important right now.
Keep coming back,
~T
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Prayers of peace, serenity and safety for you and your precious little ones -
You, your little one and the baby on the way deserve to live happy, joyous and free - without all the drama, insanity and fear that you were dealing with from your AH ~
Remember it's ok to take care of you and allow him the space, dignity and respect to have the right to make his own choices to do what is right to take care of himself - if he doesn't then you know you & your precious little ones deserve so much better.
pink hugs
You, your little one and the baby on the way deserve to live happy, joyous and free - without all the drama, insanity and fear that you were dealing with from your AH ~
Remember it's ok to take care of you and allow him the space, dignity and respect to have the right to make his own choices to do what is right to take care of himself - if he doesn't then you know you & your precious little ones deserve so much better.
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Some people have huge reserves of anger. There is nothing we can do but get out of the way.
How to let go. Ask yourself, are you and these innocent babies better off with him, or without him?
I think you know the answer.
How to let go. Ask yourself, are you and these innocent babies better off with him, or without him?
I think you know the answer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
Thank you all for the words of encouragement and support. I definitely understand that we are better off without him. He has a huge amount of anger built up from his past and he has been unable or unwilling to let go. He is angry about abuse that happened when he was a child, about things that happened to him in prison... I think that what I am having a hard time letting go of is the dream of the person I believed he could be and the family i longed for. We go to court Monday for the protective order hearing since I requested no contact with our son and I am terrified to see him. I can only imagine how angry he is right now and what he is planning in order to get back at me. I have a domestic violence advocate going with me, so that will help. It may make me a coward, but I don't want to have to face him. If he comes in and is angry and hateful, it may make it easier. If I can see hurt in him I think I will lose it though. I know that deep down he loves his son and wants desperately to be involved. He just isn't safe though.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
SO glad you're having a DV advocate come with you to court - it will be good for you to have support with you. And you are no coward! From where I sit, it looks like you have a ton of courage.
Sending you strength, hope, and lots of hugs.
Sending you strength, hope, and lots of hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Tryingtoletgo3 
Thank you all for the words of encouragement and support. I definitely understand that we are better off without him. He has a huge amount of anger built up from his past and he has been unable or unwilling to let go. He is angry about abuse that happened when he was a child, about things that happened to him in prison... I think that what I am having a hard time letting go of is the dream of the person I believed he could be and the family i longed for. We go to court Monday for the protective order hearing since I requested no contact with our son and I am terrified to see him. I can only imagine how angry he is right now and what he is planning in order to get back at me. I have a domestic violence advocate going with me, so that will help. It may make me a coward, but I don't want to have to face him. If he comes in and is angry and hateful, it may make it easier. If I can see hurt in him I think I will lose it though. I know that deep down he loves his son and wants desperately to be involved. He just isn't safe though.
This will give you the power you need to protect your children and home while you go through the divorce process. You can always have this amended as a part of that. But for now - no contact with you and supervised contact with the kids is a tool you need - and one I quite frankly wish I had.
I get it, completely, that you love this man. I love mine too. Just keep your eyes on the child you have and one hand on your belly to feel the one under your heart.
By the way - you may not have to see him. In my state, alleged victims wait in a different room from alleged abusers. The court staff and attorneys go back and forth and try to mediate a consent order. Only if that fails, does it go in front of a judge. If that happens, just keep your eyes on the judge. Tell your story simply and concisely and do not react to whatever your husband says. Just repeat - I am afraid for my safety because ____, _____ and _______. I am afraid for my child's safety because ______, ________ and ______. I am afraid for my unborn baby’s safety because _____, ____ and _____. Please help me, your honor.
Do not think of this as hurting him. You know he loves his child. If he were in his right mind, he would want his beloved child away from this crazy. Make that happen. What you are doing is brave and it is right. Cloak yourself in that.
xoxoxo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
I just wanted to give everyone an update. My protective order hearing was cancelled because my husband hurried and filed for divorce so that the hearing would be rolled in with the divorce hearing. So I was unable to have the part of the protective order that kept him from having parenting time activated. We go to court for the initial hearing for the divorce in may and I am very worried because of the judge we will be in front of. He is retiring and lazy when it comes to custody and parenting time. He is well known for refusing to review evidence and just giving both parents equal time regardless of the circumstances. I have found an aggressive lawyer with a good record, so hopefully he will listen to the facts and protect my boys. The prosecutor refused to file charges for the domestic violence report stating that there was not enough evidence to move forward. It has been almost a month now since I have seen or heard from my husband and through all of the hurt and worry for my kids and the divorce hearing, I am sadly still worrying about how Scott is doing emotionally and whether he is drinking himself to death. My gut tells me he is working on getting in shape and staying sober for the short term so he can try to get joint custody. Hopefully the judge will look at his 15 year pattern of being arrested every year or so for an alcohol related offense and see that sobriety for a month or two is not good enough for stating recovery as he has maintained sobriety for 6-7 months at a time in the past, but has always relapsed hard. I am struggling knowing that he has moved on with someone else and I find myself lying awake at night feeling our son kicking and wondering who he is in bed with now. More and more I am starting to realize that no matter what he told me during our marriage, he never really cared about me and that is a very depressing thought. When I look back over our time together, I can see now how hateful and selfish he was. I didn't see it at the time because I was so involved in loving him and wanting that love back in return. I feel so stupid for loving a man who obviously never loved me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
trying,
My heart goes out to you. Can the DV center help at all with the court situation? The fact that your son is SO young, and disabled should at least make for supervised visits. Not to mention your ex criminal record...that is there in black and white. Please try to take care of yourself during this time. I know how stressful the unknown is.
My heart goes out to you. Can the DV center help at all with the court situation? The fact that your son is SO young, and disabled should at least make for supervised visits. Not to mention your ex criminal record...that is there in black and white. Please try to take care of yourself during this time. I know how stressful the unknown is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I feel so stupid for loving a man who obviously never loved me
This is what we all have been waiting for. Unless he addresses his issues, this will never happen.
My heart goes out to you. Be strong for you and your child(ren)
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