pravchaw

We asked our AS to leave our home just over a month ago. Details here. He is now out of the house and living by himself in a rented room. However he seems to be hitting new lows, he is obviously still using and high all the time. He seem to be hitting new lows and is very likely out of money. ( don't know how he gets money to buy weed). He has now latched on to his 89 yo grandma and "visits" her almost everyday trying to sponge off her.

While I know the theory - detach, no rescuing, no enabling, let him hit bottom etc - this is so damn painful in practice. So Painful to see this downward spiral to destruction.

I need some advise on how to - let go and let god - from folks here who have been through this process with their loved ones. Your words of wisdom will help me stay strong. We plan to attend out 3rd Nar-Anon meeting today.

CeciliaV

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's not easy to watch that spiral and to watch a loved one actively destroy himself. I'm still working on detaching & stopping my enabling behaviors & setting boundaries, so I can't offer too much advice in hat arena, but I wanted to offer my hugs & support for you, and to let you know that you are not alone in your struggles.

bryangt

I too feel for you. The meetings will help you. I too have a son who I see is struggling and have a very hard time detaching from my own flesh & blood. We find out the strength of unconditional love through this process. It is not easy that is for sure. But by attending those Nar-Anon meetings, it should give you some more direction...I hope & pray for you..

PippiLngstockng

I kind of know how you feel. I haven't let my AH back in the house since October. It's harder now than e er. Before, I thought that sending him out would make him wake up and get help.

Now I see that he is still refusing to let go. He just blames me for everything and pretends that everything is otherwise hunky dorey.

It's so horrible for me and the chldren. But the time and distance do make me realize how badly his addiction has affected me over the years. And how cruel and hard headed he can be.

Now I look at my children and pray to God that they won't model his behaviors. My oldest son has been in a very bad temper recently and it scares me to see him being so mean to everyone and taking out his stress on us.

I don't think there is any choice, though. I think the addiction got us to this crazy place and I have to do what I can and after that, I have to seek God. I was never a religious person but the terrible situation that we are in did help me to realize that I am not alone. I am losing that knowledge as things remain hard. I have to remember again.

All my best to you. Keep posting. And I will pray for you and your son.

HopefulmomtoD

Ugh ... I know how hard it is. My 22 is recovering, for now, but it was only a couple of months ago I was right where you are.

The only advice I can think of is to remind your DS that you are there when he wants to get help. I made it known to my son that he still had health insurance and could always get help in an ER. And, that AA had someone on the phone lines 24 hours a day and gave him that number.

The time my son DS was out of the house and drinking were some of the most painful days of my life. I hope I never have to experience it again.

I will say, though, in hindsight- he never seemed to be suffering like I was suffering. Nor, did he ever seem to concerned about us. Its a very selfish disease.

Justfor1

prov, you said you don't know how; "he gets money to buy weed?" The addict will always find ways to get money to buy their drugs. Legal or not, when an addict wants to get high then he/she will get high. It is their life & they are willing to put everything they have into obtaining illegal drugs. They are in a lot of pain clean & sober. Financially cutting them off (while necessary) will do nothing in the long run. Hopefully, he will reach his "bottom" & come to realize how serious the situation is.

CeciliaV

Agreed. When husband and I just started out together, we were smoking on a daily basis. We barely had money to cover the bills and were heavily in debt, but we ALWAYS found money for pot.

pravchaw

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I was feeling quite bad this morning and slowly during the day I regained my resolve. These waves of remorse come and go - part of the grieving process I guess as I let go of the dreams I had for my son.

Recovering2

Nothing changes if Nothing changes. My parents were never able to hold their resolve with my A brother. They would draw a line, he would cross it, they would draw a new line. They were so afraid of the "what ifs" that they never let him hit bottom. They felt it was their duty. He is now almost 50 yrs old, and nothing has changed. If they had stepped out of his path and let him find his own way...who knows what might have happened? Maybe he would have sought recovery, and maybe he would have a life today. But they didn't, and he still struggles...and they still rescue. I find myself angry with them at times, I wish my brother had been allowed to experience the consequences of his addiciton.

I know it's hard now. You don't want your son to be still going through this at age 50. Going to meetings for yourself is a great thing. I truly ache for your situation, I know how hard it is for my parents.

pravchaw

Some positive development today. My son's AA sponsor took him in for a couple of days (so he can have a good meal before his exam and hopefully not smoke - I can't believe he is still in college - but he says he is). They went to a AA meeting yesterday. (the text came from his sponsor - so we know its reliable information).

At this stage, all we can do is wait - until a genuine desire to seek help kicks in. He has access to all the tools. He has been to rehab - so knows what is required. He is attending AA off and on. Has access of psychiatrists, doctors, psychologists - what is missing is a genuine desire to change. I was hoping this stint of homelessness stirs up that desire to change.

Recovering2 - thanks for your message - Nothing changes if Nothing changes. I don't want to held hostage to addiction 30 years from now when my son is in his 50's. It is far better he dies on the street facing the consequences of his action than live a worthless life.

If anyone has any practical suggestions on how to get through to him, please let me know. Any suggestion will be gratefully received.

pats62

Awesome news....my prayers for your family and son coming your way!!!

HopefulmomtoD

That is good news.

As you know my son is sober for almost three months now. He's only 22- and, I really believe the only reason he is sober today is because, like you, we did not enable. He hit bottom when he realized he was totally alone and we would not enable him any longer and he did not want to keep living that way. It was REALLY hard- as you know.

He wasn't a mean drunk. Mostly he just drank in his room after we went to bed. He was killing himself, but could have probably continued like that for years had we kept enabling him. We didn't get him sober- he had to do that himself. But, I think we helped push him to his bottom so that he would want recovery.

pravchaw

Thankyou HopefulmontoD. Hope you keep in touch, as I can learn from your experience as it seems to be similar. I don't think my son has yet reached the stage of surrender. It could be a while as he is quite resourceful and somehow manages to get money for pot...I can only hope he is not doing any thing illegal.

pravchaw

Thank you to all you kind people for helping me stay strong. As I am finding out detachment is very tough. This is something I need to practice everyday. I guess it is like yoga. One gets better with practice. I have to get out of the way and let god do his work. God loves my son, more than I do.

Cyranoak

He may be eating at Grandma's, but he's more likely stealing. Please protect her from him, and please consider Alanon for yourself.

Cyranoak

pravchaw

Thanks Cyranoak. Grandma is aware of that so real issues there. The problem is she just can't stop herself from talking to him. Anyway that is her problem and as long as she is not enabling him in a major way, I don't want to get too upset.

I have been to a Al-anon and a Nar-Anon meeting. Tell you the truth I did not find them as useful as these forums. I still will go to more to see if they click. I know the theory - the problem is the application and my stinking thinking.

pravchaw

Hi Friends,

My wife and I have invited my son and his AA sponsor & family for dinner tomorrow. My son's sponsor has really taken him under his wings since we asked him to leave.

This is more for our sake than his, as we wanted to see him and keep channels of communication open. I am planning to keep the conversation positive and away from any addiction/recovery talk. (I will brush up on the sports scores between now and then).

Anything I should watch out for or expect? I am reminded of KE's signature slogan - "don't invite crazy to the party and expect sanity to show up".
We plan to BBQ some steaks and watch a movie (any suggestions on a movie?)

regards,

Pravchaw.

Justfor1

prav, it is a great idea inviting him and his sponser over for dinner. You will be able to get an idea how well adjusted his sponser is. Hopefully, he has some time in sobriety & in the program.

pats62

way to go and remember to keep it positive!!!

pravchaw

The evening went well. My son spent the night at Grandma's and the day at our house. His sponsor (and sponsor's family) came for dinner. We had a pleasant time and conversation was positive and light. Sponsor mentioned that he thinks A has not smoked for a week. My son spent the night in our house. Unsure what to do next. His rent for his room (where he is currently living) is due on April 1st. In light of his progress, should I allow him to move back in the expectation that he continues to work on his recovery - or should I let him continue living separately. On one hand living at home will allow him to focus on his studies and recovery but the danger is that he may fall into his old patterns quickly. Thoughts?