Recovering2

I am so sorry pravchaw. Addiction is such a cunning miserable disease. Take care of you today. (((hugs)))

EnglishGarden

Pravchaw,
I'm sorry for your pain, your fear, your feelings of helplessness regarding your son. One of the most difficult and painful challenges you will face for the rest of your life will be letting go. You are still unwilling, or unable, to surrender control in your son's situation. It is very common, very common, that loved ones of addicts become very attached to the addict's movements, choices, thinking, behaviors, moods, good days, bad days. Loved ones are high when the addict seems to have a good day or to be on the "right track" and then they plummet into despair when the addict is once again drunk or drugged, or skipping meetings, or losing a job, or running out of money, or burning yet another bridge.

If your son has the condition of addiction, then you will need very much to take the very very long view. For this is a lifetime condition for your son. It will impact you for a lifetime. It is so easy to lapse into thinking "this day will be better", "this time he'll do the right thing, make the right choice." "just a few more lucky breaks and he'll get himself going in the right, and sober, direction." It keeps you hooked. He is able to more easily work you. For he is playing you. He is playing everyone. How do I know this? Because he has no real recovery yet. So he thinks like an addict. And addicts always exploit. Always.

You will be most helpful to yourself, to your other family members, to your marriage, if you will step back away from trying to manage him. Because, really, from what I know of addiction, managing just doesn't work.

You are focusing all your energy on his problems. But you have some of your own. Your work on your own motives, fears, your anger, your hurt, and your denial will lead to positive outcomes. If possible, it will be best to go to several meetings of Al-Anon each week and to work closely with a therapist for the long term. Years. It is so important. Otherwise, your lack of a solid psychological center will provide an opening for your son to manipulate you all over the place. He will do so at every opportunity.

You need not give up hope that he will get clean. But your timeline for that--which you do seem to have, consciously or unconsciously--is unrealistic. You have a logical approach to addiction which is unworkable, of which you sadly become more aware with each disappointment. Addiction has a track of its own. It does not respond to standard parental problem-solving. What seems to move addicts into recovery is pain, pain, pain. When the addict's drug turns on him and he comes to loathe and to fear the experience of using....when he crawls into a room of other recovering addicts with but of wisp of the life force left in him, begging for help, and willing to do anything, anything, to get what they have....then recovery can begin. What gets an addict to that state is generally a complete breakdown. And I sense in you an unwillingness to step aside and allow your son to experience the full consequences of his drug addict lifestyle.

So again, I do hope you are sitting in Al-Anon meetings at every opportunity and working weekly with your own counselor. This is a long and dark voyage you are taking, there is so much you do not know or understand, and you need desperately the counsel of those with long experience. Your son's sponsor is not the right source of guidance for you personally. Why? Because his 12th Step work ("carried this message to others") is about helping other addicts by sharing with them his experience and what worked for him. One addict to another.

I am sorry for your hurt and sadness. What did you do today to address your own issues? I hope you reached out to the right people. You need them. Without such help, you will be lost. You must not let that happen.

LexieCat

I agree with EVERYTHING EG said above. This is not your standard problem. "Creative engagement" will, at most, get him to sit in a meeting or two. That's basically to make you happy (or, rather, get everyone off his back). It doesn't motivate change for addiction.

You might benefit by going to a few AA or NA meetings, yourself, and listening to the stories of recovered alcoholics and addicts. Listen to what motivated them to get well. As EG said, it's pain, pain, more pain, and finally desperation. It isn't that someone talked to them the right way, or somehow "reached them"--unless, of course, they were already ready to recover (and usually the person who "reaches" them is another alcoholic or addict).

I don't know that your son has even "relapsed"--relapse implies that he was in the recovery stage, but it sounds as if your son has never really gotten there. He has only abstained for periods of time.

I am very sorry you and your family (including your son) are going through all this, but please take seriously what EG said about taking care of yourself. I know you said the concept of detachment did not "resonate" with you, but do you think the concept of sobriety "resonates" with your son? Recovery requires that we sometimes push the envelope of what is comfortable or feels natural or intuitive to us. It often requires that we listen to people who have BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

pravchaw

Thanks EG & Lexie, you have given me much to think about. Most of all thank you for your sympathy, support and kind words. Its means a lot to me.

I don't think I am fully ready for complete detachment. Honestly, I tried but I just could'nt. Perhaps its journey, not a destination. I have moved away from anger, bitterness, nagging and pleading - so that is a improvement. I do not panic anymore. We are exercising regularly and dealing with an addicted son and learning about addiction has bought me and wife closer. At one level we realize there is not much we can do. At another level I feel obligated to remind my son that there is help available if he should chose it. That is what I meant by creative engagement. I try not to enable nor offer to solve his problems for him. Am I on the right track?

Other posters have mentioned that its different dealing with a child (even an adult child) than a spouse or lover. I still remember how my son felt in my arms when he was a little guy.

EG - Your point about my sons sponsor is a good one. With the latest spree I think my son may have split with his sponsor anyway. The sponsor is also very disappointed and sad to see him this way. He has become more of a family friend as he is closer to my age than my son. My son if he comes back to sobriety will likely have to find a new sponsor. You are right, that I now have to start thinking in terms of a years and a lifetime - not weeks or months.

There are lots of positives in my life, a great career, a loving spouse and sister, my parents and her mother. I do not have any financial pressures. My 2nd son who was also dabbling in marijuana has been shocked out of them seeing what has happened to his brother.

We will continue on with family group therapy at CAMH. They have been a great help so far. I will keep on spending time on this board. You ladies are a great source of knowledge and experience and compassion. Perhaps one day I will reach a state of detachment and serenity like you, regardless of what becomes of my son.

transformyself

My experiences with harm reduction have been fantastic, including healing my relationship with my son.

I'm actually thinking of opening a harm reduction treatment center with a friend from California- one that is not abstinence based. Think about it. When a diabetic has a relapse, they aren't thrown into jail or kicked out of their treatment program. If this truly is a disease, why are we treating our loved ones like their crap on the bottom of our shoes when they relapse? Why not incorporate it into their treatment plan? sort out what happened, start over and do so with respect.

One of the reasons I never post here anymore is this shift in my recovery. It's worked so much for me than the nasty, this will help them hit bottom tactics I was given. I felt SO much better for me after I shifted away from the punitive, punishing attitudes I'd adopted. I've apologized to my adult son for calling the police, for sending him to juvy. I created the barriers he now has to employment and education and housing by listening to the well intended advice of others who told me this was the only way.

It isn't.

harm reduction | The Fix

transformyself

ps- this
in my opinion, is what will save us all. And what I was told I needed to deny in order to help my child, but in the end, I only made things worse.

Carrots

I'm mom to Addict D; she's 18 and her substance of choice is marijuana (but will seemingly try anything put in front of her). She's currently in outpatient rehab.
I am so sorry for all the pain shared in this thread. Prav- I know the pain you are going through with your son and my heart goes out to you.
Thank you for sharing and to all of those who have written the responses. I have gotten so much to think about in the journey with my own daughter from this thread.. At this point, I am OK to no longer allow her in my house/life if she isn't sober. But it scares the hell out of me because I know where she will end up. Sleeping on some couch in a house with a bunch of users- and it might very well end with police, prison, or death because she used something someone gave her and no one will realize she's dying.

Dear God, i hope it doesn't come to that. But if it does, I think I have to let it happen. That i think i'll have enough faith to be strong enough for. Still, I know I could never call the police or send her to juvy.
I too remember the wonderful vibrant kind bubbly pre-addiction daughter.