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Lost my serenity last night

Old 03-07-2013, 09:09 AM
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Lost my serenity last night

No matter how hard I practice detachment and serenity, there are moments when that mindset is tested almost to the point of no return!!

I am having an issue with my next door neighbor. This man was very kind and helpful up until the moment I mentioned, in passing, that I was getting a divorce. Since then, he has become critical, demanding, and a major pain in my butt. It was amazing to watch the immediate change in attitude last spring. I chalked it up to him trying to set some sort of boundary with the newly single divorcee next door, maybe out of some warped sense of loyalty to his wife?! It was perplexing at first, and kind of hurt my feelings.

I've been gracious with accommodating his multiple requests related to my dogs, my yard, my fence, etc.

Fast forward almost one year, and this guy is on my a$$ regularly. Last night was the end. I know I didn't handle it well, but when he came over and told me to clean up my dog run because it "smells" (which again, another amazing thing since its still winter here and everything is FROZEN). I went off. Not for long, but just enough to tell him he has been a d&$k to me since I told him I was divorcing, and I can't believe the audacity he has to come over and make demands on me when he spends all winter parking in front of my house so the plow trucks have to make a wide circle around his car, making my driveway 6 feet longer all winter. (And this guy has 2 motorcycles and four cars so quite the menagerie of clutter in front of his house) When he lets his dog run free in our shared greenbelt, pooping in our common space. He actually tried to complain that my dogs bark whenever he is outside and they are as well. Hhhmmm...all the neighborhood dogs bark when you let your dog run free, jacka$$. Not just mine.

So it came to a head last night, and this morning I am still fuming. There is more I could write about the inconveniences I live with with them as my neighbors, but the point is - don't come a bitchin' if your side of the street isn't clean. Yes, I said that to him too.

I also told him he could rest assured that I had no plans, now or ever, to hit on him as the single divorcee in the neighborhood. The look on his face was priceless. Ok, ok, I admit I enjoyed telling him off, after all the complains and demands. And calling a duck when I see one quacking.

So what now, SR friends? Aside from building a 6 foot high privacy fence, how do I navigate this now hostile environment with a next door neighbor? Anyone been in this place before and have some great ideas?

I don't feel bad, nor do I have any intention of apologizing. I am not sorry for calling him out on his audacity and demands, harrassing the single Mom next door. What kind of man does that? I just need to find my way back to serenity so I can live in my house and yard space with some peace.

Suggestions and thoughts welcome.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:26 AM
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Was he in shock after you confronted him??

I've had to do that with people at work believe it or not.
It takes ALOT to really upset me but once i get there, it's not pretty. Usually people will back off after that

Especially if you're in the right.

I think this guy needs some time to about what he's been doing.

Don't let him take up anymore space in your head, go about your daily life and who knows?? Maybe he will apologize.....
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:33 AM
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Was he in shock after you confronted him??
Total shock! Tried to get all self righteous on me, I wouldn't let him get a word in though.

Especially if you're in the right.
I know I have some inconveniences to others; we live in a neighborhood with small parcels - called patio homes - so we're pretty close to each other. I don't know if I was in the right in that sense. I was just fed up with the complaining from someone who inconveniences me a lot, too.

Don't let him take up anymore space in your head, go about your daily life
Thanks - needed to hear that. I have totally lost my peace and serenity at the moment!
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:34 AM
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Good for you!!!! I don't think finding serentity means we let people walk all over us and treat us with disrespect. Sounds like the situation has been hostile on his part for awhile, and you finally called him out on it. LOVE that you told him about keeping his side of the street clean!

So you made your feelings clear, and hopefully he gets the message. Go about your day, you've set some boundaries with the neighbor. Now let it go. You have no control over his reaction to what you said (sound familiar?), and there's no reason to let it ruin your day.

I actually think you did a great job.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:34 AM
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It doesn't sound like lost serenity to me Tuffgirl, it sounds like you were pushed to the point of responding or rolling over & being a doormat. It really sounds like this joker had it coming & just maybe you'll have given him a lesson in looking outside of himself & his selfish view of the world?

As far as 'what' to do? Nothing! Hold your head high, you've only spoken truths! It's up to him to change or accept or continue on in his ignorance.

I've only ever had 1 issue like this with a neighbor. (I don't count my alcoholic rednecks across the way... we've ALL been into it with them, lol.) I used to do tax work & my neighbor was a client, but a bad one. Always late with paperwork, always disorganized, wrong calculations, expected me to pick up/drop off at her convenience, complained about her fees, etc. The year I quit the company she hadn't bothered to read the notice the company sent out about how I had left but called me at home the day before the W2 filing deadline & wanted me to do all of her 4th quarter payroll reports & get W2's out to employees that day. She kept throwing it back on me like I owed her a solution even though all the fault was on her side & for me it was just the final straw... I'd put up with her crap for years with not an ounce of gratitude & here she was demanding more. I laid into her with both barrels much like you described your own interaction & she has never treated me even close to that way, ever again.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:39 AM
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Thanks for the reassurance. I don't normally go around calling people "d&$ks" - it is not my nature. This one got me pretty rattled.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:43 AM
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I was thinking about something similar today. After fearing confrontation for a lot of my life, a few years ago I finally found my voice. I started to recognise the situations where I needed to speak up (even just recognising them was a big step for me!), and have stood up for myself several times since, even with people who I had let get away with absolute murder for years and years beforehand. Believe it or not, by calmly and rationally vocalising my position on the matter, I was very pleased to see that it gave these people the kick in the pants to realise they couldn't get away with it anymore.

Obviously not all people are the same, so I did find myself faced with an even bigger demon when I stood up to a very unhinged character at one point, but almost every other time I have received sheepish apologies and better treatment. I should clarify that I am speaking only of non-alcoholics as we all know how confrontation ends up with them. Come to think of it, the aforementioned "unhinged character" was most likely an alcoholic in retrospect.

I am hoping this will be the case with you, and that your neighbour now knows where you both stand. As Peanut says, maybe he needs some time to think about it and this could be the turning point where he stops being the neighbour from hell.

Good luck!
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:08 AM
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And ((((hugs)))).

Good for you. I did have to laugh at myself though when reading this, especially the part of him complaining about the smells.

You see as someone who knows nothing about Alaska I picture all the homes being log cabin styled homes and no closer that 5 or so miles. So in my head I picture this guy riding up on his dog sled to do the complaining.

I think you handled it well.

Your friend,
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:27 AM
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Many years ago I had a "Gladys Kravitz" neighbor ( the nosy, obnoxious lady on Bewitched). She just had a grading personality, and really annoyed the hell of me. Seems, I never truly appreciated good neigbors until I got a bad one.

In the summertime, the crazy witch would actually press her face against my screen window and tell the kids to turn the tv down, because it was bothering her when she was watering her flowers.

She hated our beloved St. Bernard. One day I caught her spraying him (in the face)over the fence with some toxic insecticide. Well that was also the year her beloved rose bush garden died, and my half gallon of Round-Up weed killer disappeared. I never actually figured out what one of my daughters got up in the middle of the night and did the dirty deed. Was it right? Of course not, but she no longer had any need to be sticking her nose in our windows in the summertime, because nothing would grow where the roundup got spilled. Thank God we finally moved.

Forget about your idiot neighbor, we both know you can't fix stupid.

Be well, my friend.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:04 AM
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You all have brought tears to my eyes, thank you! I haven't lost my cool like that in almost a year, since I went no contact with the XAH. And I've been faced with a lot of challenging situations this year, But last night - well - I was so ANGRY. More than anything because up until that day that I told him I was divorcing, he had been very kind and neighborly and I was grateful for that. And now, total d&$k for almost an entire year! I swear - I am not going to throw myself at him now that I am single. Jeeze, his wife can rest assured! Really!

I wish I had been calm, but I wasn't. I just went off. Didn't raise my voice, but was very sarcastic and called him a few choice names. Told him he was "no rosy neighbor" to live next door to, either. I realized after the fact that I should have waited 24 hours before reacting.

I am still upset, but feeling better, thanks all again!

And this is bad, but a part of me is laughing about it. That part of me that wants to stick my hand up in the air, flip him the bird, and say "take that, %$#@&*!!!!"
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:22 AM
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There's no point in trying to understand the sudden change in the way he treats you. Whatever his issue is, he does sound like a complete d*ck, and you had every right to say what you said to him. It doesn't sound like you went crazy or anything. You simply stated a few choice facts with outward calm. It doesn't matter if your inner calm was MIA for a moment. You got it back. Just think about all the people in the world who throw regular loud wobblies without cause! I think you were well within your rights to speak up in this situation. If it still upsets you, you can flip him a quiet bird every now and then from afar if it makes you feel better. I do it all the time to my partner when he's being a d*ck and he's not looking. Even though he can't see it, it makes me feel a bit better and just the act of doing it usually makes me crack up. Instant relief!
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:12 PM
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Oh this is too much!!!!

You guys are too funny!!!

If you push a girl hard enough, something will give eventually....

Especially if you have PMS like i do!!!!

You guys ever seen the movie "Fun with Dick and Jane" ?? The part where Jim carey gets the foreclosure notice and the "look" he gives his neighbor????

It's priceless!!! And i go thru that crap every 28 days!!!!!!

Lol!!!!! Now I'm cracking myself up.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:56 PM
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I live in a student area on a big campus. I fight with student neighbors all the time. The area isn't really congested, but the way the houses are set up means that all noise is funneled from one house to the next house. All of our backyards are right up against each other.

Probably the most epic run-in I had with a student neighbor was the night one decided to confront me about why I didn't like him -- it had something to do with the year-round, non-stop, epic Animal House parties -- by coming up on my back porch in the middle of the night to whisper through the screen door into my living room where I slept on the couch. "Hey! Hey! Do you have a problem with me?" Um, yes I do. I flew off that couch like a crazy person and chased that kid out of my yard. It was very dramatic. AH had to hold me back, the kid's friends drunkenly came out to see what was going on. The next day I called his landlord and told him it was going to stop. The landlord called the kids' parents, who were the ones actually on the lease and paying the bill, and I never had another problem with them again. Not my proudest moment, but hey.

Not too long ago, I came home from work and one of the students was standing in his backyard drunkenly lighting bottle rockets off in his own hand. Genius.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:59 PM
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I don't know what this guy's deal is, but I don't think you were wrong to finally tell him how you felt. I usually have a lot of anxiety after I have a confrontation with another person--in person, on Facebook, on this site once... It bothers me the whole day. Recently I shared a picture on FB that said "If a child wakes in the night making noise and only the father is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" and joked that my husband won't take care of our children during the night. My friend's husband (who I've only met a couple of times and have never really talked to) said, "Well certainly airing it in a public forum filled with unnecessary opinions will rectify the situation." It really bothered me, and got my heart pounding a little. I kept thinking, "What is his problem?" and then I started worrying that other people would agree with him and make an arguement out of it.

But the reality is---
-I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
-He was just someone being an A-hole.
-If someone thinks I'm stupid or wrong (or maybe he was offended?), NOTHING HAPPENS. My life and my daily goals stay the same.

I felt crappy about it all day, but I still went to the store and made chili like I planned, and when I woke up the next day, it didn't seem like a big deal anymore. So my suggestion is sleep, I guess.
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Old 03-07-2013, 04:03 PM
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LOL,

OK, now I know where you got your nickname.

I say good for you. It doesn't sound like you lost your "serenity" at all--you gave someone a long-overdue telling-off. The only thing that MIGHT have been better (or maybe not, hard to say) is if you had said something when he first started with the off-the-wall gripes. I'm sort of like you, though, I HATE confrontation--especially with a neighbor or someone else you can't completely avoid. It does tend to explode when it gets bottled-up for too long.

I wouldn't worry about it. Hopefully he knocks it off from now on.
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Old 03-07-2013, 04:18 PM
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Are we suppose to keep our serenity 24/7???

Wow, I have a lot of work to do.

Oh well. Human condition, I can live with that.

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Old 03-07-2013, 04:37 PM
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Good for you for standing your ground.
He's a bully & he deserved a mouth full.
Hugs.
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Thanks for the reassurance. I don't normally go around calling people "d&$ks" - it is not my nature.
Oh, I call people dorks & desks all the time.
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:33 PM
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:rotfxko

Originally Posted by CeciliaV View Post
Oh, I call people dorks & desks all the time.
Oh that is too funny!

Thanks - I needed a good laugh over this. It really is not worth my time or energy worrying about. He did deserve it. I may not be thrilled with the way I handled it - I could have communicated better and been less derisive, but is it what it is now.

I care about not inconveniencing my neighbors to the best of my ability. But when someone who obviously doesn't have the same level of caring comes over to complain about my way of living - well he can kiss my big fat white butt.

I appreciate everyone's responses - I feel much better tonight!
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:51 PM
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I think its awesome what you said. He has it coming and perhaps that is why he kept complaining because you placated him and accommodated him.

I'm thrilled - I love to hear a woman stand up for herself. Just ignore him if you see him.

I bet he doesn't complain to you anytime soon
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