why would anybody marry a divorced alcoholic?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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why would anybody marry a divorced alcoholic?
Am I being harsh ...but really - why Oh why would anybody marry a divorced alcoholic.?!
Surely it should be obvious that the problem caused a marriage breakdown and so much pain and trauma.
Why would anybody willing take this on and then have children with such a person?
Surely it should be obvious that the problem caused a marriage breakdown and so much pain and trauma.
Why would anybody willing take this on and then have children with such a person?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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It took me awhile to see the red flags (and then I ignored them for a bit). I think the same thing can happen with another new relationship. Actually I know it can.
My ex was married within 10 months of our divorce to someone who had witnessed some of his drinking escapades.
My ex was married within 10 months of our divorce to someone who had witnessed some of his drinking escapades.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
Because we believe the lies they tell us. Ex-wife #1 (according to A) was manic depressive..deserted him ant their 2 young kids. Ex-wife #2 was abusive and crazy and the reason he lost the kids to their maternal gparents.
They manipulate..we believe. I just want to be loved. I thought we had an honest relationship. I thought I was lucky. I told him constantly that I couldnt understand why his exes let him go. I thought our personalities complimented each other. All I wanted was to marry him. Have his last name.
I was an adult student..it is where we met and when I knew we were going to be together long term I did a research paper on the effects of alcoholism (emotional, physical, long term, etc). As an outsider/newbie I had no clue how much this would break me..I couldnt research the reality of it.
Now..knowing what I know I don't want him back..but h@!! does it hurt. I am as upset today as I was that 1st week.
This is a really rough time for me and seems to be for you too..post holiday blues perhaps?
Peace be with you my friend
They manipulate..we believe. I just want to be loved. I thought we had an honest relationship. I thought I was lucky. I told him constantly that I couldnt understand why his exes let him go. I thought our personalities complimented each other. All I wanted was to marry him. Have his last name.
I was an adult student..it is where we met and when I knew we were going to be together long term I did a research paper on the effects of alcoholism (emotional, physical, long term, etc). As an outsider/newbie I had no clue how much this would break me..I couldnt research the reality of it.
Now..knowing what I know I don't want him back..but h@!! does it hurt. I am as upset today as I was that 1st week.
This is a really rough time for me and seems to be for you too..post holiday blues perhaps?
Peace be with you my friend
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Many women base their self worth on having a man, a man, on having a good career. In addition, there are two types of IQ, intellectual and emotional, many have a low emotional IQ, could be a man or a women.
In addition, I believe that the media has a lot to do with it, all the buzz, "Love of my life","Soul Mate", I call it the soap opera mentality.
As for having a child or children with a known addict, that makes zero sense to me...many have multiple children, and then they can't figure out why their life and their childrens lives are such a mess.
Just my two cents.
In addition, I believe that the media has a lot to do with it, all the buzz, "Love of my life","Soul Mate", I call it the soap opera mentality.
As for having a child or children with a known addict, that makes zero sense to me...many have multiple children, and then they can't figure out why their life and their childrens lives are such a mess.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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My husband was divorced for more than 20 years when I met him and he spoke highly of his sobriety in the beginning. It was all a lie that came crashing down into a million pieces later on but our relationship and marriage is healing.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Magical thinking
"Surely it should be obvious that the problem caused a marriage breakdown and so much pain and trauma. "
It is only obvious if you get a copy of their divorce settlement.
"Surely it should be obvious that the problem caused a marriage breakdown and so much pain and trauma. "
It is only obvious if you get a copy of their divorce settlement.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I think for a long time during my marriage I was in a 'no-man's land' . It was like being married to a ghost, I was not single and yet I could not really start a new relationship. I do remember reading on lots of dating sites and one thing I remember was to be aware of anybody who was negative and nasty about their ex - somebody they once loved. I remember a male friend telling me about divorced women chatting him up and telling him sometimes - how they had taken previous husband to the 'cleaners' and he thought how unattractive!
I know alcoholics lie but surely any ex should have you asking the question - why did the relationship fail?
I can understand wanting to be loved at any cost - its a bit like crossing your fingers and hoping for the best IMO. Youth as well - in my 20's even though I knew it must have hurt their wives I let men flirt with me and have drinks with me - I also must have had low self -esteem. I feel pretty ashamed and sick about it now. Karma maybe.
I know alcoholics lie but surely any ex should have you asking the question - why did the relationship fail?
I can understand wanting to be loved at any cost - its a bit like crossing your fingers and hoping for the best IMO. Youth as well - in my 20's even though I knew it must have hurt their wives I let men flirt with me and have drinks with me - I also must have had low self -esteem. I feel pretty ashamed and sick about it now. Karma maybe.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
Mmmm... Well my Axbf is a darn gooood looking divorced 39 year old man. He is sooo charming though!! Dresses fashionably if a bit new wavy / 80s gothic, is easy going and charismatic, plays guitar, drums, owns loads of synthesizers, was very good at sex (at first it was awesome and even though it became mechanic throughthe years he never failed to make me satisfied).... Hhmmm, what else?? He never told me he is an alcoholic, as he is still in denial of this himself!!! He told me he got married when he was awfully young, only 23, and got divorced at age 26... Said his ex was a narcotic pill popper who later stopped taking her prescribed medicine and giving it to HIM in order to dumb him down and take control of him... She also hit him with a pan once or twice.... I felt bad for him and just thought he deserved to be loved!!! We had talks of marriage after one year of dating, even after he had told me his parents had put him in a rehab center to clean him from the pills and other "recreational" drugs he had done in his early 20s.
I should have known!! But he was fun and loving and talented above all!!! A true artist (he is a self-taught graphic designer).... Aaaggghhh he just sounded like the man of my dreamd and even though we did smoke weed together and drink and do coke during parties at first, I believed we were just having fun and we could stop any day we wanted to!!!
To my surprise, the day I decided to stop, it was too late! I was in too deep to realize that he wasnt stopping!! Only when I stopped did I realize that I was 22 and he was 35 and he wasnt just having some post-teenage fun!! He wasnt at an experimental stage with drugs like I had been!!! He was evasive and addicted and damn, what was I gonna do???
First came denial, long months of it!!! Then came the need to control something that I then didnt know I was powerless over..... But all along I still wanted to marry hom, I still believed in US!!! Then I finally popped and sh!t went down and I told his family all about it!!! Then we broke up, got back together and nothing changed... Still one week before our break up I had asked him how he was feeling about moving in together again.., he had said " lets do it in November when ur lease here is over..."
Unexplainable, man.... But sometimes we believe them to be worth the pain....
I should have known!! But he was fun and loving and talented above all!!! A true artist (he is a self-taught graphic designer).... Aaaggghhh he just sounded like the man of my dreamd and even though we did smoke weed together and drink and do coke during parties at first, I believed we were just having fun and we could stop any day we wanted to!!!
To my surprise, the day I decided to stop, it was too late! I was in too deep to realize that he wasnt stopping!! Only when I stopped did I realize that I was 22 and he was 35 and he wasnt just having some post-teenage fun!! He wasnt at an experimental stage with drugs like I had been!!! He was evasive and addicted and damn, what was I gonna do???
First came denial, long months of it!!! Then came the need to control something that I then didnt know I was powerless over..... But all along I still wanted to marry hom, I still believed in US!!! Then I finally popped and sh!t went down and I told his family all about it!!! Then we broke up, got back together and nothing changed... Still one week before our break up I had asked him how he was feeling about moving in together again.., he had said " lets do it in November when ur lease here is over..."
Unexplainable, man.... But sometimes we believe them to be worth the pain....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
I see a lot of people that come to SR to learn how to LIVE WITh actively drinking mates... People who would rather cope than leave... We r all free to choose, and some people simply choose to live the hard life, maybe because they dont know another way, they have low self esteem, they r waiting for a change, etc......
I am still secretly hoping that one day he will call me up and tell
Me he is in rehab and he wants to talk!!! I am not sitting around waiting for it, i am doing my thing, but I would lie to u if I told u I wouldnt like that to happen... I would!!
I am still secretly hoping that one day he will call me up and tell
Me he is in rehab and he wants to talk!!! I am not sitting around waiting for it, i am doing my thing, but I would lie to u if I told u I wouldnt like that to happen... I would!!
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Location: Starting over all over again
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Originally Posted by cr995 
... why Oh why would anybody marry a divorced alcoholic.?!...
Originally Posted by cr995
...Surely it should be obvious that the problem caused a marriage breakdown and so much pain and trauma. ...
My ex#2 is an alkie, bullemic and codie. Yup, we loved each other. Her previous husband turned out to be a sexaholic, which is what caused the end of her marriage.
Oh, and as an aside, I am an alanoid, member of ACoA, ISA and AA. I have 32 years clean and sober and as a personal reference my kids will tell you all kinds of good things. So why would anybody marry me? .... hmmmm.... well, I would rather date somebody for a year or two and _show_ them with my actions what kind of person I am.
Mike
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Honey, there's always another idiot woman out there who believes that he has just been misunderstood his entire life and that SHE is the one who will love the need to drink out of him.
I know because I was that woman. I was that woman three times. I've wisened up, but it was a hard-earned lesson. Now, I pray for the women AXH dates.
I know because I was that woman. I was that woman three times. I've wisened up, but it was a hard-earned lesson. Now, I pray for the women AXH dates.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Because unless you are in it and have reason to "really" understand alcoholism you don't get it at all. Mainstream - what is an alcoholic and what is sober? You drink...you don't. Simple.....mmmmm not so much.
I thought sober meant forever. I also thought it meant "normal". He's not normal, but I love the hell out of him anyway.
I ain't normal either - he rocks my world - On tuesdays and thursdays I observe the ass**le side rest of the week he is awesome. Little laughter there I hope.
I thought sober meant forever. I also thought it meant "normal". He's not normal, but I love the hell out of him anyway.
I ain't normal either - he rocks my world - On tuesdays and thursdays I observe the ass**le side rest of the week he is awesome. Little laughter there I hope.
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