why would anybody marry a divorced alcoholic?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by lovingenabler 
I am still secretly hoping that one day he will call me up and tell
Me he is in rehab and he wants to talk!!! I am not sitting around waiting for it, i am doing my thing, but I would lie to u if I told u I wouldnt like that to happen... I would!!
Me he is in rehab and he wants to talk!!! I am not sitting around waiting for it, i am doing my thing, but I would lie to u if I told u I wouldnt like that to happen... I would!!
My XA did so 4 rehabs while with me... all at least 90 days...lots of IOP, counseling and in and out of the rooms of AA. He knew recovery backwards and forwards... every kind and philosophy. Every drug for addiction. Psychiatry, psychology and even over a dozen alcohol related jail stints and more AA in there.
Years of relationship counseling with our awesome psychologist/pastor who knows addiction and yet... just wasn't done with drinking. Would take relapse vacations... he even admits this now.
Check it out... he KNEW that I would sucker right back into his enabler if he said some MAGIC words!!!!
I'm sorry.
I need help.
I don't know what happened.
Help me get back into recovery.
I love you so much.
BOOM! I would get that glazed look in my eyes and immediately fall into line because if I didn't "he might die".
Years of that took its toll on me. He is in real recovery now that I finally hung up my spurs and kicked him out to live or die on his own. Now he owns his own recovery and its real and genuine and deep... very deep.
But his last relapse vacation turned into the vacation from hell... a few more jails, burned up car and his phone number was blocked from his number one enabler! Being hungry for a few months and sleeping on concrete jail floors for a month can get a mans attention!
Anyway... don't fantasize that if they say "rehab" the genie will pop out of the bottle... far from it!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Velma raises her hand...
I was 28 years old. I hadn't dated much. I had gone through a period of time when I had been promiscuous as I thought that was all I had to offer. DH thought I was intelligent and sexy and worthy. I was afraid if I didn't marry soon I would spend the rest of my life alone, because I am plain and most men don't find me very attractive.
I thought he would outgrow his drinking problem. I didn't have children though, because I never had a burning desire to have them, and later because sentencing a child to life with an alcoholic parent seems like a crappy thing to do.
As lonely as I was living alone, it doesn't compare to being morally and legally bound to someone who puts you second, behind the bottle.
I was 28 years old. I hadn't dated much. I had gone through a period of time when I had been promiscuous as I thought that was all I had to offer. DH thought I was intelligent and sexy and worthy. I was afraid if I didn't marry soon I would spend the rest of my life alone, because I am plain and most men don't find me very attractive.
I thought he would outgrow his drinking problem. I didn't have children though, because I never had a burning desire to have them, and later because sentencing a child to life with an alcoholic parent seems like a crappy thing to do.
As lonely as I was living alone, it doesn't compare to being morally and legally bound to someone who puts you second, behind the bottle.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: alaska
Posts: 60
After visiting my wife in rehab the first (one of three rehabs) time I knew she would wind up with another alkie. Sure enough a week after leaving me last year she was with another one. Left me and the kids and hasn't looked back since. I think the are perfect for each other. Kinda of crazy how they can just give up everything and move on like nothing has happened.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by velma929
Velma raises her hand...
I was 28 years old. I hadn't dated much. I had gone through a period of time when I had been promiscuous as I thought that was all I had to offer. DH thought I was intelligent and sexy and worthy. I was afraid if I didn't marry soon I would spend the rest of my life alone, because I am plain and most men don't find me very attractive.
I thought he would outgrow his drinking problem. I didn't have children though, because I never had a burning desire to have them, and later because sentencing a child to life with an alcoholic parent seems like a crappy thing to do.
As lonely as I was living alone, it doesn't compare to being morally and legally bound to someone who puts you second, behind the bottle.
I was 28 years old. I hadn't dated much. I had gone through a period of time when I had been promiscuous as I thought that was all I had to offer. DH thought I was intelligent and sexy and worthy. I was afraid if I didn't marry soon I would spend the rest of my life alone, because I am plain and most men don't find me very attractive.
I thought he would outgrow his drinking problem. I didn't have children though, because I never had a burning desire to have them, and later because sentencing a child to life with an alcoholic parent seems like a crappy thing to do.
As lonely as I was living alone, it doesn't compare to being morally and legally bound to someone who puts you second, behind the bottle.
What's funny is that this ex of his from way back when(20 years ago) sent him an email last summer and told him, "You're the one who got away." UGH, seriously? Her facebook pictures with her current husband and 3 kids look pretty happy to me. If only she knew. Then I started thinking; well, you can have him back then if he's so great. Of course, at the time, I got mad that he was exchanging emails with an ex from 20 years ago and he doesn't have any communication with her anymore.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
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Wow guys, thanks!
Would offer some thoughts on that but we are having ten couples from my wife's AA group over for brunch today. Doing the math in my head quickly, the average alcoholic in that group has three years of sobriety. My beloved wife is the junior member in that group with a year of recovery in which she drank 4 days and we went through quite a bit but she's dedicated herself to it. Over the past couple weeks while I was getting over surgery she took care of me, baby, house....
Probably the kindest and most loving person I've ever known but yes, she has a disease that she's beating one day at a time.
Why would anyone marry a divorcee who is judgmental, angry and inconsiderate?
Just saying guys....
Would offer some thoughts on that but we are having ten couples from my wife's AA group over for brunch today. Doing the math in my head quickly, the average alcoholic in that group has three years of sobriety. My beloved wife is the junior member in that group with a year of recovery in which she drank 4 days and we went through quite a bit but she's dedicated herself to it. Over the past couple weeks while I was getting over surgery she took care of me, baby, house....
Probably the kindest and most loving person I've ever known but yes, she has a disease that she's beating one day at a time.
Why would anyone marry a divorcee who is judgmental, angry and inconsiderate?
Just saying guys....
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
AH died almost three years ago, and I occasionally date.
In September, I met a widower who wanted to form a relationship with me. I noticed that our nightly Skype sessions were accompanied by a large-ish serving of Scotch on his end. I noticed that he kept really big bottles of Scotch at his home and his vacation condo.
One night we went out to eat at a local diner. We were seated, got the menus, and the first question he asked was, "So they serve drinks or wine here?" I said no. "Can you buy a bottle of wine and bring it in?" I answered no again. *Red flag.* Dinner takes, what, an hour? We were five minutes from my house, and we had beer, wine, whatever back there.
I realized his hands shook during the day. Yes, given his age (mid-sixties) it could have been Parkinson's, but since his wife only died a few weeks before, he was seeing his own doctor pretty often at that point. I figured if he did have something like that, she'd notice, and run the necessary tests.
I decided soon after I couldn't be with him. I never asked him about his drinking. What would he say? If he didn't have a problem, he'd say he didn't have a problem. If he did, he'd say the same thing. It was sad, because the other issues may have been things we could have worked through.
He keeps trying to get me to come back, too. I haven't told him it's because I suspect he drinks too much.
In September, I met a widower who wanted to form a relationship with me. I noticed that our nightly Skype sessions were accompanied by a large-ish serving of Scotch on his end. I noticed that he kept really big bottles of Scotch at his home and his vacation condo.
One night we went out to eat at a local diner. We were seated, got the menus, and the first question he asked was, "So they serve drinks or wine here?" I said no. "Can you buy a bottle of wine and bring it in?" I answered no again. *Red flag.* Dinner takes, what, an hour? We were five minutes from my house, and we had beer, wine, whatever back there.
I realized his hands shook during the day. Yes, given his age (mid-sixties) it could have been Parkinson's, but since his wife only died a few weeks before, he was seeing his own doctor pretty often at that point. I figured if he did have something like that, she'd notice, and run the necessary tests.
I decided soon after I couldn't be with him. I never asked him about his drinking. What would he say? If he didn't have a problem, he'd say he didn't have a problem. If he did, he'd say the same thing. It was sad, because the other issues may have been things we could have worked through.
He keeps trying to get me to come back, too. I haven't told him it's because I suspect he drinks too much.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Earth... mostly
Posts: 43
Why did I marry an alcoholic after a previous marriage to an alcoholic?
No, I am not especially stupid, at least I have to believe that. There was love, lust, fun, laughs, friends and living together for several years where I saw who she was. And I was cautioned by my counselor that she would only get worse (more abusive) and that the disease would only progress. She was correct.
I have read that adult children of alcoholic parent(s) do tend to meet up with alcoholic spouses. In my case this is true. My eyes were wide open, I saw the problem and I walked down the aisle with an alcoholic. Somehow I was afraid not to. My co-dependance, I'm sure. But in my life I have always been surrounded by alcoholics. Only a few have been painful to me.
But we married when the binges were just every Friday night and I had plenty to keep me busy while she recovered on Saturday. Then the anger in her grew and the binges picked up Tuesdays and now they have become the norm, five or six days a week. Her negativity and anger are ever-present and totally unreasonable. I never know who will come home at night. You all know the story.
So why did I marry her? Why do I stay? Perhaps it is a convoluted sense of commitment to her, to us, to marriage, to not repeat a past marriage failure. But I am learning as only an old guy does... very slowly. And my health is being affected both physically and mentally and this year will be a year of change for us. Either she finally gets help with her drinking or we split up.
We will both be retired this year and I am so fearful of the additional time available for her to drink. I just could not bare seven days of weekends watching her binge and try to recover enough to repeat it. She wants to travel but all I see are endless stops in new bars during the days and me watching her pass out in the early evenings. That's not much of a retirement plan.
I hope that I will be able to say that I tried my best. Still, the future is rather frightening.
No, I am not especially stupid, at least I have to believe that. There was love, lust, fun, laughs, friends and living together for several years where I saw who she was. And I was cautioned by my counselor that she would only get worse (more abusive) and that the disease would only progress. She was correct.
I have read that adult children of alcoholic parent(s) do tend to meet up with alcoholic spouses. In my case this is true. My eyes were wide open, I saw the problem and I walked down the aisle with an alcoholic. Somehow I was afraid not to. My co-dependance, I'm sure. But in my life I have always been surrounded by alcoholics. Only a few have been painful to me.
But we married when the binges were just every Friday night and I had plenty to keep me busy while she recovered on Saturday. Then the anger in her grew and the binges picked up Tuesdays and now they have become the norm, five or six days a week. Her negativity and anger are ever-present and totally unreasonable. I never know who will come home at night. You all know the story.
So why did I marry her? Why do I stay? Perhaps it is a convoluted sense of commitment to her, to us, to marriage, to not repeat a past marriage failure. But I am learning as only an old guy does... very slowly. And my health is being affected both physically and mentally and this year will be a year of change for us. Either she finally gets help with her drinking or we split up.
We will both be retired this year and I am so fearful of the additional time available for her to drink. I just could not bare seven days of weekends watching her binge and try to recover enough to repeat it. She wants to travel but all I see are endless stops in new bars during the days and me watching her pass out in the early evenings. That's not much of a retirement plan.
I hope that I will be able to say that I tried my best. Still, the future is rather frightening.
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Originally Posted by PohsFriend
Wow guys, thanks!
Would offer some thoughts on that but we are having ten couples from my wife's AA group over for brunch today. Doing the math in my head quickly, the average alcoholic in that group has three years of sobriety. My beloved wife is the junior member in that group with a year of recovery in which she drank 4 days and we went through quite a bit but she's dedicated herself to it. Over the past couple weeks while I was getting over surgery she took care of me, baby, house....
Probably the kindest and most loving person I've ever known but yes, she has a disease that she's beating one day at a time.
Why would anyone marry a divorcee who is judgmental, angry and inconsiderate?
Just saying guys....
Would offer some thoughts on that but we are having ten couples from my wife's AA group over for brunch today. Doing the math in my head quickly, the average alcoholic in that group has three years of sobriety. My beloved wife is the junior member in that group with a year of recovery in which she drank 4 days and we went through quite a bit but she's dedicated herself to it. Over the past couple weeks while I was getting over surgery she took care of me, baby, house....
Probably the kindest and most loving person I've ever known but yes, she has a disease that she's beating one day at a time.
Why would anyone marry a divorcee who is judgmental, angry and inconsiderate?
Just saying guys....
As I have struggled (but worked pretty hard on it) on my own recovery I hope that I would give a chance to someone working hard too. That was not in the cards for my loved one while we were together though (and I suspect now).
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
I plan to marry an alcoholic in a few months from now, and am completely jazzed about it. She of course will be taking the same chance on me as I am on her, but each of us understands what it takes to remain sober and happy with this life.
After being married over 30 years to a non-alcoholic I'll never make that choice again in this lifetime, but remain very grateful for the children we had together.
I agree with the OP that purposefully standing in the way of the happiness (or unhappiness) of others is an ill thought out act.
After being married over 30 years to a non-alcoholic I'll never make that choice again in this lifetime, but remain very grateful for the children we had together.
I agree with the OP that purposefully standing in the way of the happiness (or unhappiness) of others is an ill thought out act.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
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Originally Posted by cr995
Should I stop stalling the divorce and leave the way open so he can marry skank GF?
When, at around this same time, he left his e-mail open accidentally one day, and I discovered that he was in CONSTANT contact with the poor ex, exchanging pictures via e-mail with her, accepting her concert invites, I SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM!!! RED RED RED FLAG!! SO RED! but guess what? I didn't! I freaked out on him and guess who ended up being guilty? ME! FOR NOT RESPECTING HIS PRIVACY AND READING HIS E-MAILS! he broke off contact with me and guilt-tripped me so bad that I begged him back. "Would you like a side of manipulation with your breakfast today, ma'am????" lol
To make a long story short, my XABF was telling 2 different stories. To his X, I eventually became the skank new GF... and to me, his ex was the crazy bitter neurotic XGF (in your case wife) who just WASN'T WILLING TO LET GO AND LET HIM LIVE HIS LIFE!!! bottom line is, he didn't give a rat's behind about either of us, really!!!
let him go, let him F-up again, let him drown in his addiction, let this poor new GF realize she is with an addict, let him repeat the same FAILURE story again and again and again and as many times as he wants to... move on!!!
you can do better, we can do better!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Actually I think he can get the divorce anytime he wants as I have decided not to contest it. But I don't really want to go out of my way to get the divorce for him. surely if its his divorce (ie he petitioned for it) then he should be the one seeing it through. Also,I am just assuming he wants to re-marry. I am assuming he is with gf and that as she is adult child of A , she will never leave him.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
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hang in there and carry on with your life......... for me, as much as I dislike anger, I have noticed that it helps me detach. if that works for you too, then use it! remember everything he's put you through and send this man to hell inside your mind, and carry on.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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to me the key is in the first few months of the relationship. red flags appear right away with A's and manipulators.... but it's up to us to see them and act on them!
i think back now and realize all the sh!t I put up with that I shouldn't have.... but I was hurt when he met me, I was ending another abusive relationship, and I was so young (23), too. i think As seek out their victims, they test them first to see what they will endure, to see if they are worth "investing" dating time in.
they play the hot/cold game, they are often unavailable but then come back and pretend you are the crazy one for trying to control him, they little by little immerse you into the "sad story of their lives" and act like hurt puppies that need caring for.......
I know for sure next time I date someone I will be very very careful...... no more addicts for me, no sireeeeeee!!!! and if I happen to fall with one again, I will know to walk away as soon as I am sure he is an addict......
i think back now and realize all the sh!t I put up with that I shouldn't have.... but I was hurt when he met me, I was ending another abusive relationship, and I was so young (23), too. i think As seek out their victims, they test them first to see what they will endure, to see if they are worth "investing" dating time in.
they play the hot/cold game, they are often unavailable but then come back and pretend you are the crazy one for trying to control him, they little by little immerse you into the "sad story of their lives" and act like hurt puppies that need caring for.......
I know for sure next time I date someone I will be very very careful...... no more addicts for me, no sireeeeeee!!!! and if I happen to fall with one again, I will know to walk away as soon as I am sure he is an addict......
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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To me it's a combination of what Hopeworks and Maylie said. You believe the people you love. Because why would they hurt you? And when they profess their desire to change, you believe them because why would they hurt you?
It's everyone's lesson to learn individually, that yes, the most wonderful, most beloved person in your life could be hosing you. Love is a leap of faith. Sometimes we miss.
It's everyone's lesson to learn individually, that yes, the most wonderful, most beloved person in your life could be hosing you. Love is a leap of faith. Sometimes we miss.
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Another thought is I at least know what RAH's issues are - they are all out there on the table I could be wrong but I don't think there is more to discover. I like that.
My last one didn't drink. Never had. Went to church. Unbelievably smart and talented, very successful - from a close loving family. He also had a wife in another state and was an avid cheater and an incomparable liar. Its the only time in my life I had to seek Therapy as my brain was so twisted from the experience. My RAH's addiction issues pale in comparison to that wolf in sheep's clothing.
All people have issues and all people have the propensity to scar you with them.
Well said Florence - "love is a leap of faith and sometimes you miss".
My last one didn't drink. Never had. Went to church. Unbelievably smart and talented, very successful - from a close loving family. He also had a wife in another state and was an avid cheater and an incomparable liar. Its the only time in my life I had to seek Therapy as my brain was so twisted from the experience. My RAH's addiction issues pale in comparison to that wolf in sheep's clothing.
All people have issues and all people have the propensity to scar you with them.
Well said Florence - "love is a leap of faith and sometimes you miss".
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