patientlywaitin

I'm not sure about every other woman but I was lied to before and after the marriage. Foolish you think? Well everyone's case is different, for me I fell in love with someone who lived 6hrs away. He was able to conceal and hide the severity of his addictions while I was visiting, it wasn't until I was able to move that He couldn't hide it anymore. I have been fortunate enough that it didn't take long to get help. His ex wife, wasn't as lucky but I also think the extensive drug/alcohol abuse history THEY both shared makes a difference between his first marriage and ours. We are different people, the toxicity that they surrounded themselves with before, during and after isn't there in our relationship so he has much better support than he used to. I personally don't believe in either of them playing the victim. They both tortured each other and themselves and that isn't a one sided story. I was blessed enough to have a lengthily conversation with her before she left with a police escort...

With that being said I've learned that people usually do not learn by your mistakes.... As much as we would love to prevent others from harm by showing them what we've been through most people will not head the warning. Thus you live and learn.

Should it be obvious? No, because the alcoholism could have been brought on by the destruction/dissolution of the marriage instead of being the cause...

Have you been married to an alcoholic?

ReflectingOnMe

Yes! If not this skank (smiling-haven't heard this term in YEARS), there will be a next one - and think about what doors is will open for YOU.

hamabi

Usually it's the non-alcoholic swearing off future alcoholics always and forever, true. But there really are two sides to every coin.

After now 8 years with a like-minded person who lives by the same set of challenging principles and guidelines that have worked well for me for many decades, I'd have it no other way. We get each other in a way impossible for those without our commonalities, and that's a great joy after so long with someone who cannot.

PohsFriend

my first reply was slightly tongue in cheek....

Seriously, There is a big distinction in my mind as far as whether we are talking about someone working recovery hard and someone who "doesn't have a problem".

Our 'contract' was and is that if she is fighting it I will fight with her shoulder to shoulder. If not, I will not live with an active alcoholic. She's terrified when she sees women in her Aa group lose their marriage, home, kids because they can't quit.

My wifes history suggested to me that she had the determination and guts to overcome whatever she put her mind to. That's actually what did me in. For the first two years I knew her she was off limits for a couple reasons so I ignored her looks and charm but we got to be close friends who talked for hours traveling together. Once the obstacles to our being together were gone it was all over, that whole "great friend who just happens to be the most attractive human being I know' crap was out the window.
I still laugh at myself, she walks into a room and I literally catch my breath. She can see it written all over my face and hits me with that 100 megawatt smile and well... That ooey-gooey smarmy so sweet it gives me a toothache puppy love crap I have always rolled my eyes about? Yeah well, so God has a sense of humor ;-)

It was pretty funny when we came out as a couple, people who knew us had evidently had their fingers crossed for a long while. Lol... If it weren't for the need for anonymity I'd just post one picture of us together and you'd get it.

Ok, I'm even nauseating myself now.

cr995

AH is not in recovery. He 'does not have a problem' and is 'completely in control.'. He is a very important person and lives in a developing country because it is one of the last few places on earth a man from the developed world 'can still get the respect he deserves'. GF has been told he is wealthy and he will ' take take care of her.'.

Unfortunately I paid for the house they live in, the car they drive, the furniture they sit on, bed they sleep in and even the bedsheets on the beds, towels, EVERYTHING!!. I felt sorry for AH at the time I paid for the house and put both our names on it. (Mine and his).

As his drinking has progressed every single part of the person who he was has slowly disappeared till now he will lie, steal, cheat do anything to protect his drinking. We were together from we were 16 years old and are now 47 years old. (Broke up last xmas). He had GF installed in our house within months.

Yes I can remember the time my heart almost stopped when he walked into the room, sleeping with his shirt when he was away from home because it smelt off him. Him coming home from work, smiling at me and saying there had not been a moment all day he had not thought of me. Telling me on our wedding day that there had not been a moment all day when he had not looked at me and thought I looked fantastic. Up to 2 years ago he told me when I walked into the room he had thought how beautiful I looked and how he realized how much he loved me.

But all this does not matter. Once the drinking has a strong enough grip all this goes by the wayside and really it seems -Love is not enough.

Mightyqueen801

Because they haven't worked out their own issues yet, so they are going to repeat the patterns of their own lives. How many women haven't we seen divorce and alcoholic and then marry ANOTHER ONE?

lillamy

Me either. I thought we were talking about actively drinking alcoholics.

Dating a recovering alcoholic is another issue. Some of my best friends are recovering alcoholics. But I still wouldn't date one.

There's nothing judgmental about that.

I also wouldn't date a person of another faith. I wouldn't date a person with completely different political views. Why? Because I'm too old to think love conquers anything. And I value peace and quiet and boring rainy Tuesdays with fishsticks and mashed potatoes out of a box over excitement, tension, and drama.

Florence said love is a leap of faith. For me, dating a recovering addict would be too frightening, just like bungy jumping is. I found my love by jumping off the bottom step on a staircase. I could still have fallen and twisted my ankle, but I wouldn't have broken my neck.

Mightyqueen801

Thank you. I would never ever date a recovering alcoholic. I am absolutely certain that if I met a man who was in recovery for 30 years, he would start to drink within weeks of meeting me. There can never be any relaxation.

Mightyqueen801

Even then, the practiced liar-alcoholic can make it seem as if it was the other party's fault. They had a better lawyer, more money, etc.

My ex was divorced when I met him. His wife cheated on him. He was in the army and she left him for one of his superior officers.

And now I know that while that story is technically true, it was because HE WAS ALWAYS DRUNK!!!!!!

Florence

Lol, exactly. When I say "leap of faith" I'm not advocating we start jumping out of planes without a parachute. Love is a leap of faith in that we think the best of our beloveds, sometimes in the face of total disaster. This is human nature, I think. Codies and non-codies alike.

What's not okay is ignoring red flags, being afraid to rock the boat, walking on eggshells, being with anybody because anyone is better than no one, etc etc. When we stop advocating for our own best interests in a relationship (any relationship) things are going sour.

And sometimes, since I'm throwing out all the cliches, hindsight is 20/20. We don't know until we know. And we have to be kind to ourselves and others who are making the same sketchy decisions once we figure that out.

h00ped

Because we can change him!

kidding.

Redheadsusie

I married my 2nd one - yes made the same mistake twice. This one is 10 times worse than the first and we have been split for going on a month. I guess when I started dating I was naive and thought his 1st wife was a skank ( she was trashy) and she had cheated but now I see why. I was lonely - he was very handsome - we had fun - our 5 kids combined were young and we boating a lot and it was about having fun period. Hind site is 20/20 - the verbal abuse he unleashed on her - came to me - I am not special. His Mother enables him and always will defend her baby- he was premature you know............ What the hell- he is now 6'1"! He is living with her now - I am trying to work on myself - will not date for years probably - and then my 2 sons ans sister will be on a panel to interview prospective suitors. HAHAH! I will get better! Life is a gift!

Mightyqueen801

Glad you have a sense of humor about it. Hey, I remember reading something about that premie thing years ago, how parents will hover over and protect their children who were born prematurely, even YEARS after any danger from the premature birth has passed.

But the part I wanted most to address was the "fun" thing. I did the same--met my husband, he was lots of fun. The problem is, I figured the "fun" would end one day, or at least change, as we grew up, married, started a family...but for him, "fun" never ended. "Fun" was going to the bar every night and other alcohol-related activities. Anyway, long divorced, had this conversation with my now-adult daughter. Recently she said she was talking to her dad's girlfriend, who has been with him about 7 years now and took my place as Caretaker Of The Drunk. She said, "Mom, she was upset because since Daddy got fired from his last job he just sits around all day and goes to the bar at night...she said that when she met Dad, he was lots of fun but she figured after a while they'd settle down and maybe get a house...it sounded like the same story you told me."

One small difference is that my ex is now 56 and his girlfriend nearly 60. But the story is still the same one.

lovingenabler

When first dating my Xabf I asked him why things hadnt worked out between him and his ex ( who I knew and had been friendly with b4 ever imagining I would date this guy). His short answer was: because it was not fun anymore... He later explained that they hadnt had sex in 4 years and that she would be on the phone with her family all day so as to ignore him. I remember going out to the NYC halloween parade with both of them when they eere still together and he had a flask with him that day... You should have seen her angry face!!! I was 22 back then, so naive, and I thought: what a funny dude!! But never imagined the reality of his sad sad life.

He also later told me that they had broken up because age had gotten the best of her and she had become too serious, too strict, too bitter, she was aging and becoming too serious about everything. I remember promising him that I would never stop him from doing his thing and being free!! Pppfffff.....

Its so sad to know he will do the same thing to the next girl too..... Anyway, Im off the hook now

ODAT63

after my second ah, I am done, wasted 25 years of my life that I will NEVER get back. No I wouldn't date a RA either..they are never heal, the bomb could explode anytime and I dont ever want to live that caos and drama again!

DefofLov

Why would anyone date a divorced alcoholic?

Because the first thing that new person sees is someone he or she is attracted to and someone they care about. Alcoholics do not walk around with a bottle of Hennessy taped to their foreheads. Raging codependents do not walk around with an index card saying, "I know whats best for you and what you need better than you do" taped to their foreheads.

When first meeting someone, you do not see their flaws first. And yes, I believe the "divorced alcoholic" and the "new lover" are attracted to each other and have a good time in the beginning. Just like the "divorced alcoholic" and the "ex-husband or ex-wife" did when they first met. And when you meet someone that you really connect with it is something you want to hold onto. You want this happiness and this human connection in your life. You want to take that risk.

When first meeting the "divorced alcoholic," the "ex-husband or ex-wife" did not see his or her loved one as a useless, manipulative, self-centered alcoholic. Who would willingly sign up for that? An alcoholic is a person. Alcoholism is a thinking disease. They are not just manipulating their loved ones...it begins with them. It starts in their head. They believe wholeheartedly in their "sob stories." Their "sob stories" perpetuate their disease. Nearly everything perpetuates their disease.

As a recovering adult child and codependent, I think about how the thinking part of the disease has been passed down to me. I think about the lies and manipulations I have done to myself. Well before recovery, when I was a severe codependent, when my ex-boyfriends met me, they thought I was intelligent, pretty, and sweet. And I was. But I was also a broken person who did not know how to love life and how to live and let live. I was carrying a deep void in my heart passed down from alcoholics who also had voids. I would troubled and I had my issues, but just like an alcoholic, my humanness showed first. My good parts.

I cannot fault anyone for marrying a "divorced alcoholic." Because what they see first is a divorcee who has been hurt and would like another chance at love. When a divorce happens I believe both parties hurt in different ways. A marriage is supposed to be until death. When that doesn't happen, it is hurtful and scary for each person. That new person is human and see the humanness of the alcoholic before he or she sees the disease. Isn't that how the first wife or husband fell in love with the alcoholic?

Bottom line: A person marries a divorcee because they believe in their love with that person. They believe in second chances. A person marries an alcoholic divorcee for numerous reasons. Usually they do not know the extent of the disease or they do not know it exists at all. We make mistakes because we are human. We try to find love because we are human. We need human connection and when we find it, we try to keep it.

Love,

Lily

Florence

If only it were so easy.

fourmaggie

a typical womans reponse " I thought i could change him"

Shadydeal

Defoflov,
Very well put! I know for myself I think this was very true! I didn't marry my XABF but spent years with him after my marriage! My XABF was the only person I dated after divorce and was more less a friendship in the beginning. I never looked at it longterm as much as a good friend then over time became more involved more infested! Then one thing led to another.....what a living nightmare! Sadly, my marriage was a much
healthier relationship than the relationship after my divorce w my XABF for obvious
reasons! He is now involved w yet another women going thru divorce .....

DesertEyes

Wow, Defoflov, what an insightful post. Thank you for that.

Mike