DefofLov

Thank you Mike! That means a lot to me.

PohsFriend

....and some things, and people are worth fighting for

LoveMeNow

I think the question is tricky! I am currently married to an addict who just relapsed. He is still going to meetings, seeing a therapist and working this out for himself. I am not enabling him and I am keeping my "hands off the addict."

I did not marry an addict, his addiction to pain pills started well after we were already married. (Boy, was I glad when I learned I didn't cause it. ) But I guess I did marry one without realizing it because I truly believe there is a genetic component involved.

That said, I love my husband with all my heart and have a lot of compassion for the disease. Will we stay married? Time will tell.

But I can honestly say this with out any reservations, I would never marry another - in recovery or not. I can also understand why a RA would only want to be with another one. There have been times where I think my husband would be better off with someone who truly understands what I can not.

I am still working on my codependency. I don't think we are any great bargains either until we address and work on it as well. IMO, untreated addiction and codependency is the perfect storm waiting to happen. One is not any worse then the other. Just very different yet so similar.

cr995

I don't agree that we make them ill - I think on the contrary the A's cause the codependancy. It is a reaction to an abnormal situation. Once we realize that we are taking responsibility where we shouldn't I agree - we should back off. But - I don't think the spouses do anything NEARLY as horrible as what the alcoholics/addicts do.!!

LoveMeNow

I don't think we make them ill either. I believe the 3 C's.

You can't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

However, I do believe enabling can contribute!

The Alanon literature - The Merry Go Round of Denial effectively shows the roles many of us play.

wellnowwhat

For a long time I did not see his red flags at all. I did not have any experience with alcoholism or problem drinkers. Now, with hindsight, they were many and obvious.

It was an even longer time before I recognized my own red flags of being actively codependent. They, too, are magnified with hindsight.

cr995

Yes enabling definitely makes it possible for the A to keep on going without suffering the consequences of their actions. I think it is almost impossible to keep a clear head with all the lying and twisting of things that they do.

My AH hardly ever and I mean ever took responsibility for ANYTHING he did. With young children and the house in chaos I would just end up apologizing for what HE had done to get some peace and through the day. I think the person who suffered there really was ME not HIM!.

The people I would say were most upset were the children because they saw me screaming and crying. He was mostly oblivious by this time. He would do things like give me and my daughter some money when we went on holiday (Again Which I had paid for)and tell us to 'fight over it' !! Nuts! Very very hard to maintain your sanity living in this situation . It's all very well saying let them suffer the consequences but if I had done that I am pretty sure we would now have two uneducated children - unable to get decent jobs or have a chance at a decent /good career . I don't think AH could tell you what the childrens fees were through the years because the only one who mostly paid them was ME.

So while we might be stopping the s*** hitting the fan sooner, there are others in the family too.

LoveMeNow

Are you working any program like Alanon?

Yes, there are others involved like your children - even more reason to stop the chaos. We are only victims once, then we become willing participants.

cr995

Yes I go to Al-Anon - that was the first time that I learnt STBXH really was an A.Up till that point I thought - if he really wanted to he could quit! Ha!
He is in denial - still thinks he can 'control' his drinking. we are no longer in contact - I have detached and am trying to focus on myself despite the way he continues to behave.

The change in me is helping me and therefore our children who are starting to get their mom back again instead of the depressed crazy person.

LoveMeNow

That is awesome for you and your kids.

You are not alone, I thought my husband could just quit too. I had the "if you really loved me" thinking for far too long. Until I finally learned that addiction had nothing to do with love.

ODAT63

My oldest son is an alcoholic (he is in denial), my youngest lives with me and is taking celexa for his anxiety, going on three years since their step dad ( raise them for 17 years) left. lots of regrets but I am powerless over my adult children. I am loving me and taking care of me this time my actions and self care will show them recovery is possible.

LifeRecovery

I actually feel like my codependent behaviors were in place prior to my meeting my loved one. I do believe that is why I was attracted to him.

I will make mistakes, but luckily I get to grow and learn from them.

Mightyqueen801

That is kind of part of the problem I had with Al-Anon. When I went, I had thrown my AH out of the house (had the police come take him when he was threatening to take our daughter and disappear after I told him it was rehab or out.) While some of what made me a codependent was in me from the beginning--and a lot was the religious upbringing I had that taught us to always give another chance, never give up hope, etc., etc.--most of what I did was indeed a reaction to his behavior. I didn't grow up with alcoholics. I had no idea people like this even existed.

But at the Al-Anon meetings, the emphasis was on denying your feelings--you're not supposed to be angry at the drunk for what HE did--you have to pretend to not be angry and instead concentrate on what YOU did wrong. I was in a turmoil of emotions at the time and telling me I shouldn't be angry at all this man had done to me and that it was my own fault was just not gonna work. Yes, there is much to be said for taking responsibility, and I learned that through therapy. And I learned that I did NOT have to lie down and just take things, as I was taught growing up. But I also learned through therapy that I had the right to my feelings, and that's where I think Al-Anon makes a mistake. It's not healthy to pretend you don't feel anger or other emotions or that you don't have a right to feel what you feel. During my marriage I was made to believe that it was all my fault and that fixing everything was somehow mine to figure out. Going to Al-Anon, I just heard more of the same. Not that the drinking was my fault, but that I had somehow "allowed" the abuse to occur.

I think Al-Anon is best for those who want to continue to be married to/live with their alcoholic, but for those of us who are DONE and just want the abusive drunk out of our lives, it's not applicable.

Mightyqueen801

I did, too. What changed was the realization that as an alcoholic, he was simply not capable of fully loving another human being. While I do still hold him responsible for some of what he did--I don't find "addiction" as a complete excuse for bad behavior--once I was able to detach, I could also see the deep emotional problems that he has that he has used alcohol to try to drown since he was a teenager. That made it easier for me not to hate him.

Mightyqueen801

We do pick these people for a reason! My therapist said, and this will always stay with me: "Your husband provided you with the crises that you needed."

LifeRecovery

When I have struggled with something that Al-anon has told me...or a trusted person in my life...it is usually because of something I am projecting.

I am lucky my therapist is well versed in Al-Anon and when I struggle with something (and there has been them....it gives me a topic to work on.

I did not stay married, but I am afraid that for the same reasons I got into this relationship....I might another that I would like to clean out some of what has been in there a long time first.

Mightyqueen801

My therapist had set up his private practice after years of being a drug and alcohol counselor first at a college and then in a recovery facility, so he had the right background for someone like me. I'd called my health care provider and said I needed someone who specialized in addiction/alcoholism and relationships. I saw him for seven years. It was lifesaving. I had lots to clean out! Still have some residue, too, probably always will.