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Facing myself in the mirror

Old 12-21-2012, 08:45 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Liz,

I became an at home mom and housewife after helping build our successful business. When I started to see things spiral down, I held on even tighter. I desperately wanted what was, I desperately wanted my marriage and my family, along with our assets.

I was in such denial and fear kept me paralyzed. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had but I still have a hard time accepting how stupid and naive I was. Having never dealt with addiction in my life, I had no idea how powerful it was.

In my case, when the ship went down, we all went down with it. In the end, all was lost. My husband finally decided to get help and work a recovery program. He is a good man, with a serious problem. He is working hard to make amends and rebuild our marriage, family and our financial security.

At times, I still find myself sitting on the fence with what I am going to do...waiting and watching. But as I keep working on me, I am learning to let go of my fear, find my inner strength again, strengthen my faith in God and slowly - day by day - I am realizing that no matter what happens, I will be OK.

I will never live with an active addict again. That is my boundary. It has to be because it nearly destroyed my sanity. I have taken measures to protect myself at all costs, including financially.

Just for today, I am very happy. I try not to be anxious about tomorrow! I try to live in the moment, some days are either then others. But in the event that I have to change my path without him, I am ready to do that. It would hurt, it would be painful but nothing can ever be as painful as the last 3 years of my life.

Keep working on you! Clarity will come! Mine always comes while I am in my car, lol. Fear slowly lost its power over me and has been replaced with faith in God and my own abilities. Be gentle with yourself, when or if you are ever ready to make a change, only you will know it and only can be ready to face the unknown.
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Old 12-21-2012, 09:00 AM
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To me, from what I have read just here, it doesn't seem as though you are using your AH. Instead, it sounds like he is trying to control you by insisting you stay home to homeschool your child. Besides, even if you divorce him you will still receive alamony right? So, I don't think the money is the reason you are staying...I think your AH has a hold on you.

I was in a relationship several years ago were my boyfriend continually accused me of cheating, drinking behind his back, etc. I was never doing anything behind his back; I was always truthful. To make a long story short, I eventually left him. After leaving him the truth finally came out & I wasn't the one doing things behind his back. He was the one lying to me. He was drinking & smoking pot behind my back & it was rumored he was cheating.

Sounds to me like your AH is the one with the secrets & the problem. I think you know what will be best for you & your future. Best of luck to you.
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Old 12-21-2012, 11:27 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Or google Sam Vaknin and narcissism for some extraordinary You Tube videos.
If you do, beware that Sam Vankin is himself a narcissist and take what he says with a grain of salt. There are a lot of excellent resources out there from non-narcissists too.
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Old 12-21-2012, 11:28 AM
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To me, from what I have read just here, it doesn't seem as though you are using your AH. Instead, it sounds like he is trying to control you ....
For what it's worth, a common thread among narcissists is telling you that you're doing exactly what they're doing. Which is extra confusing and makes you take on blame and feel complicit. Individual counseling can help you tease out what's your responsibility and what's him being a nut.
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
For what it's worth, a common thread among narcissists is telling you that you're doing exactly what they're doing. Which is extra confusing and makes you take on blame and feel complicit. Individual counseling can help you tease out what's your responsibility and what's him being a nut.
Yes, this is why I still go to counseling. Whenever I talk to my sponsor, she tells me that her xah was exactly like my AH is currently. She didn't leave until he started to physically abuse her and he was already 6 years into sobriety at that point. I guess I picked a good sponsor because she really can relate to where I am and she keeps encouraging me to understand how much of this disease is a 'thinking' disease. It really helps me to discern what is his perspective and what is reality, which always never seem to coincide with eachother, LOL.
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Old 12-21-2012, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Yes, this is why I still go to counseling. Whenever I talk to my sponsor, she tells me that her xah was exactly like my AH is currently. She didn't leave until he started to physically abuse her and he was already 6 years into sobriety at that point. I guess I picked a good sponsor because she really can relate to where I am and she keeps encouraging me to understand how much of this disease is a 'thinking' disease. It really helps me to discern what is his perspective and what is reality, which always never seem to coincide with eachother, LOL.
Can you please explain what that means? I have never heard that before. TY!!
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Old 12-21-2012, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Can you please explain what that means? I have never heard that before. TY!!
She was referring to the distorted thinking that most alcoholics get into and also referring to the compulsive thinking regarding alcohol itself. For me, it has been really hard to wrap my head around the fact that his distorted thinking could be related to the drinking problem because he was/is a binge drinker. I guess it was hard for me to see that and I kept trying to make excuses or twist my own perception of what alcoholism is and how it was affecting us. Does that make sense?
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Old 12-21-2012, 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
She was referring to the distorted thinking that most alcoholics get into and also referring to the compulsive thinking regarding alcohol itself. For me, it has been really hard to wrap my head around the fact that his distorted thinking could be related to the drinking problem because he was/is a binge drinker. I guess it was hard for me to see that and I kept trying to make excuses or twist my own perception of what alcoholism is and how it was affecting us. Does that make sense?
Yes, thank you for the explanation.
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Old 12-21-2012, 09:00 PM
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Lizatola - have read a lot of your posts and just thumbed through your threads.

Finances are a part of any long time relationship a 17 year marriage is significant and anyone should be concerned about their finances. Divorce can be financially devastating and while it wouldn't be my advice to stay in for the money if things were tolerable if that's what someone wants to do fine.

I don't feel that you have stayed there for the money. You have posted significantly about your marriage in a fairly short period of time. Clearly you are invested in him, you care, you want things to be different. You have IMO gone above and beyond to try and get things back on track. Someone who was just in for the income really wouldn't care so much.

There is also not enough money on the planet to put up with the bull***t you have had to endure. You love him, he is your sons father and your partner of 17 years.

You keep making steps and one day you will land where you are supposed to.
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Old 12-22-2012, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Lizatola - have read a lot of your posts and just thumbed through your threads.

Finances are a part of any long time relationship a 17 year marriage is significant and anyone should be concerned about their finances. Divorce can be financially devastating and while it wouldn't be my advice to stay in for the money if things were tolerable if that's what someone wants to do fine.

I don't feel that you have stayed there for the money. You have posted significantly about your marriage in a fairly short period of time. Clearly you are invested in him, you care, you want things to be different. You have IMO gone above and beyond to try and get things back on track. Someone who was just in for the income really wouldn't care so much.

There is also not enough money on the planet to put up with the bull***t you have had to endure. You love him, he is your sons father and your partner of 17 years.

You keep making steps and one day you will land where you are supposed to.
Thank you for your support, Redatlanta!
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