Can't seem to let go

Old 11-09-2012, 11:07 AM
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Question Can't seem to let go

I've tried so many times to walk away but everytime he became sober all could see is the man I love... Unfortant he can't seem to stay sober past 4 months.. He starts off going to meetings, going to church and doin everything possible to stay sober...then he starts to drop back lil by lil til he falls right back down. His family is no help they are part of the reason he fell this time... his own sister called him a holly roller and wanted nothing to do with him that she missed her old brother... now really the family turned on him because he put god in his life and was making a better life for himself.. how selfish they are... so now he's been gone a month and it still hurts.. one min he loves me the next he talkin crazy on how i thru him in jail that it's all my fault he ever went to jail... making out to be the good guy and i'm the bad one.. he created another facebook just to add weman and well he caught one and she may gave him something ajax can't scrub off but he still denys it but if you didn't do nothing why be tested? i so hate the person he is when he drinks and so miss the person he is sober... so now the papers have been signed by me but it's killing me to let go... i just need to vent to others who understand cause all my friends don't... all i can do is pray for him and for myself...
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:25 AM
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(((( nahade ))))

I'm so sorry, nahade, for all this pain you're dealing with. I'm glad you came here to vent, though. I hope you are doing things to take care of YOU today.
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:33 AM
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Sending big hugs to you.
Vent all you like.
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:44 AM
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Nahade, so sorry...

I understand your feelings, the sober man had so many wonderful and worthy qualities.

As his disease progressed I saw less and less the the good guy. Over a period of five years I had to accept that only memories remained....... the man I truly treasured was gone, lost to this horrible disease. The shell of a man I was with, had become a complete stranger, and he was so angry and unrational, I could no longer be in the same room with him.

Sending you support.
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:53 AM
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Hi nahade,

Thank you for sharing. I can relate in that I was with my XABF for three years. Every single time he came back (3-4 times), he would get sober, get a job, take school seriously, start being thoughtful and responsible again, etc. Each time, I really prayed it was the real deal and each time, I found myself where I am today--alone. Almost three weeks ago, I decided I was tired of that rollercoaster. I gave TOO many chances. A second chance time and time again becomes one too many.

I wish he could stay sober because he was an amazing man when he was. When he drank, he became a completely different person. When he drank, everything he worked for during sobriety crumbled quickly. While he was six months sober, he got a job, got straight As, went to school everyday, was thoughtful, cleaned, took care of himself, of me, his family. Two months relapse = abused my credit card almost $1000, lied, skipped school, and the list goes on and on.

I remember I kept asking people we knew: who is he? Is he the great guy or the guy who stole, lied, and did all these terrible things? And really, he's both, but he CAN decide which one to be. They really have to decide what kind of person they want to be and no amount of me hoping and praying and threatening to leave him will change that. When it comes down to it, my ex didn't care too much about losing me. He cared about losing the addiction, which is what he chose in the end, and why I had to pat my self on the back for my efforts and leave.
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:55 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Looking back before I became a recovering codie that the reason I stayed in my marriage as long as I did was I fantasized what it was like when he was sober, in reality there were times it was like walking through hell itself and somehow I remember it with this warm fuzzy feeling as though it was good, now I know it wasn't.
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:51 PM
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he always ask why I stay after all he's done and still doesn't understand how much i love him... just a few months ago we went the fair as a family.. I look at the photos and wonder were he went... we went to the smoky mountians for a weekend as a family... we had old time photos took and now i keep asking were did he go... i'm struggle between my heart and my head... everything was wonderful and he just threw it all away.. for a beer and for a ho... lost his good job and nice living not that it's fancy but it was clean.... now he lives with insects eww and hasn't had a hair cut in over a month.. he looks bad but he's working in a saw mill cause he had do something or go to jail... he's on state and they let him slide on drinking... what a joke.. i truely love this man and stuggle with to deal with the good and the bad as it came but also takin care of me too.. i just ant his baby sitter, i'm not going to loss my job or myself just casue he fell off... i have learn alot from attend meetings mostly aa but just knowing there was ppl out there like him and me help so much ...thanks for all the response it truly helps to vent...
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Old 11-10-2012, 10:19 PM
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Nahade your first sentence just described exactly what my exA would say to me. Its uncanny.
You know what?
When I decided I'd had enough of the drinking & left him, he went straight into the arms of an ex.
Just shows I meant nothing & hes gone to the next available enabler.
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:29 AM
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Thanks for sharing Nahade-I am sorry you are going through this. My AH (we are separated now) went and visited 4 of his ex's in one day when I told him we could no longer live together. Seems like some kind of unwritten code that they return to an ex. In his case, he says they weren't home. Yeah, right.
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Old 11-11-2012, 06:13 AM
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Wow! I read and ask myself....are the stories and feelings all the same? They seem like it to me but only the names/states have changed. I feel for you and its really tough to let go not sure I have been able to do so at least mentally. Someone told are in love with who he could be...not who he is! A very true statement! The sober moments are almost sadly a tease giving more hope only to return! The more I sunk into the relationship the more I held onto hope. Getting the same results over & over! My XABF couldn't manage to stay sober more than 60 days ever. Sometimes I think we have to just find away to let go of what could have sure how! I hope that you will have healing in your life. You are not alone in your feelings and struggles.
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