cli

Yeah, I tend to agree with this. Especially because, I'm very sorry to say, ilovehim, your txt-style of writing makes yours posts really hard to read. I can tell there's been a bit of prejudice about your age (or likely just misunderstanding) because of that alone...

However, I also tend to agree that the "old fogies" have given plenty of examples and cautionary tales, and it always pays to listen to wisdom.

Ilovehim, I can tell you're very self-aware and thoughtful, and you can take care of yourself. But YES, it's likely that you're making a huge mistake, but then again, it's also your mistake to make...

So no judgement from me now, nor even if it turns sour later... Really only wishing you the best with whatever choice you make!

FireSprite

I think you all are perhaps misinterpreting when 4maggie refers to "Taking out the Trash".

If I'm not mistaken, it refers to a realization she had where she (or another poster) allowed herself to believe that she NEEDED the A in her life to help manage things because they seemed SO overwhelming to tackle alone... but come to find it was only overwhelming in her mind & sometimes BECAUSE of the A...... so, actually very manageable once she took the step toward independence & tackled everything head-on alone. (Even something as simple as "taking out the trash".)

*I* interpreted her post to remind the OP that engaging in a sexual relationship with the A is like choosing to make it complicated rather than pursuing other relationships & the qualities she really wants in a partner & putting her time & effort into something worth working toward. Yes, casual sex is perfectly fine when both parties are in agreement, but when you have this kind of history, IMO, it's not casual anymore.

But I could be way off base too.

cli

Aw, you're right I was misinterpreting, but not about 4maggie's post. I'm still hung up on things said 10-15 posts ago! I apologize for not properly catching up, and hope that doesn't negate anything smart I might've said.

Yeah, I know this would be true in my case, so I absolutely and totally agree! But, likewise, that's just IMO too, so...

Fandy

call me crazy, but I don't think it's a casual act at all, especially when OP states she hasn't slept with anyone else since they broke up. as i said earlier, reading your previous posts about the relationship and the emotions you used to have, you might be asking for all that to come back and smack you upside the head again.

you want to protect yourself.

m1k3

I can't begin to imagine wanting anything to do with my ex, especially sex. If I never hear from her again that would be fine with me.

Uggggh.


Your friend,

fedup3

Mike I am so with you on that statement!!

soberlicious

I have no judgement on a no-strings arrangement or FWB relationship. For it to work, both parties must be clear and there must be no hidden agendas. This type of relationship actually requires a high level of respect from both parties. If there is drama, jealousy, hurt feelings, and manipulation then it's not a true no-strings situation. Relationships like this that work really well generally involve healthy, honest adults. Otherwise it just becomes a messy cluster.

dollydo

" I'm guessing that those who are judging the original poster are a bit older & from a different generation? Times are changing with regards to sex, marriage, child raising ect.... "

You are right, times are changing and in my "Old Fogie" mindset...not for the better.

Fandy

Justfor one likes to insert himself with an opinion that is contrary perhaps, "to encourage discussion".

I remember all of his postings that deny responsibility for many acts, that would upset some posters in this part of the forum.

BrokenHeartWife

You have to understand that my blunt post to close your legs was in response to your first post which implied that this guy is JUST after sex...and will be USING you.

It doesn't matter that YOU have been faithful and it doesn't matter that you (may) love him. If he's using you, then don't get naked with this guy. You're not his sex toy.

StarCat

I think that relationships of any type only work if both parties are on similar levels of commitment.

I have dated men who were not as committed to the relationship as I was; I have had several former friendships where the friend was looking for a higher level of commitment than I was willing to provide; I have clashes with my mother because I won't drive to stay there and overnight for all major holidays; I was involved in a "team" at work to solve a particular problem that interested me but not the other team members... I have been in too many of these lopsided commitment relationships, have stayed much longer than I should have out of a sense of guilt or obligation to see things through to the end.

If the levels of commitment are skewed too far from each other, the relationship falls apart, whether it be a friendship, a partner, a job, a volunteering position, or anything else that involves at least two people communicating. It doesn't matter who is more committed or less committed, it just matters that the commitment levels are different and that difference is unreconciled.

It sounds like you are more committed to him than he is to you. I know his offer is tempting, I recognize you really like the thought of having that part of him back in your life... but if you accept it he's only going to hurt more when the variance in his commitment to you compared with your commitment to him becomes more and more apparent.

Mracoa

This is an interesting debate. I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman wanting sexual gratification for it's own sake. If that was the only issue at play here, i'd say discuss the boundries and enjoy a friends with benifits relationship.

I suspect that there is a lot more going on here. You love him. He loves you. But his addiction rules his life. He will lie and manipulate to maintain his escape from pain. Can you emotionally detach from him, while using him as a life size sex toy? In my opinion, sex connects you to another person in the most intimate of ways. And when you form that connection with someone who is being dishonest with himself, and with you, that intamcy also brings a great deal of pain.

Do you want your heart emeshed in that pain? Can you bring yourself to a healthy mental state while dealing with his insanity (which is what addiction is)?

You might also miss an opportunity to find a healthy mate if you are spending time with your addict.

I guess it boils down to if you have the strength to emotionally disconnect form him, while at the same time having sex with him. In your place I know I could not. But only you can answer that for you.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

BlueSkies1

It's difficult to believe that someone would put a FWB situation in front of the pain that same partner has caused them. It's difficult to take such a person seriously, personally. There are literally millions of other people on the planet that could meet the desire for a FWB. Why not choose someone who has not been toxic to you at any point in your life? Secondly, do you take yourself seriously as in self-respect if you make this kind of choice?
someone else made a very good point. There is NO SUCH THING as FWB if you love the person.

graceandbeauty0

If you ever want a relationship with him again don't do it. From personal experience it just hurts ur feelings because it all feels great the sex and the attention but then in the end they tell you the same thing and that's they don't want a relationship and you'll be back at square one. Focus on yourself and let him do the same. I know it hurts believe me I hurt all the time but just have faith it will all be ok and just do you.