Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

my ex addict boyfriend broke up with me but now he is back for sex



my ex addict boyfriend broke up with me but now he is back for sex

Old 11-04-2012, 06:29 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: fla
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
if you have been separated for a length of time you don't know what he has been doing and who he has been doing it with. there is a very realistic possibilty he could give you a STD or WORSE.

if you want or need sex, it is not safe to have it with him, it should be fairly obvious. I would change my phone number too.
There.are such things as condoms.
ilovehim1104 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 06:40 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
ilovehim, maybe you should go back and read all of your previous postings.

Sounded like you were in a lot of pain.

I can guarantee you , if you reinvolve yourself with this guy, it will be more of the same. The handwriting is on the wall.

I do believe he is looking to get his enabler back, you are ripe for the job.

Good luck, we are here, take good care. Katie.
Katiekate is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 06:46 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member of SMART Recovery
 
onlythetruth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I'm a woman, 14 years sober.

Here's my two cents. It seems to me that you would LIKE to approach this as a simple hook-up, no strings attached, with a guy you know you like to have sex with. But some part of you knows this isn't what's going to happen. That's why you've asked our opinion...because you're afraid you're going to get hurt and you're hoping someone will say you won't.

But here's the thing: you WILL get hurt, and somewhere deep down I think you know it. I think you should run like the wind.
onlythetruth is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 06:51 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
li don understand why any woman would want to extend this kind of a relationship, its abusive and he certainly lacks any respect for you.

condoms or or not, it's about having respect for yourself...I hope you look at that. This guy has nothing to offer you. and when it's all said and done he might abscond with more than a one night stand.

did you HEAR what he is saying....i'm horney, i was thinking of you...this is not what you deserve. he doesn't care about anything but scratching his itch. and i would bet he will ask you for some $$ when its all over with or a sad story that he needs for.
Fandy is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 07:04 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
1000 Post Club
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
li don understand why any woman would want to extend this kind of a relationship, its abusive and he certainly lacks any respect for you.
did you HEAR what he is saying....i'm horney, i was thinking of you...this is not what you deserve. he doesn't care about anything but scratching his itch. and i would bet he will ask you for some $$ when its all over with or a sad story that he needs for.
Fandy, isn't that assuming a bit much? I give the OP a lot of credit for being completely honest.
Justfor1 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 07:12 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
cli
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
Sounds like you are all about what it is he is thinking, if it will harm him.

HOney, it will harm you, in some way, some day, some how, you are hurting yourself with this thinking.

You need to focus on why it is you would give yourself away to someone you mean nothing too.

He's an idiot, but if he can get away with it, I guess that's your bad.
Yes, well said, Katiekate! I'm still not fully in the "Close your legs. Period." camp, although that's usually the safest option. But I'm also not rushing to judge ilovehim nor her RA either. Sex is usually more nice than it is evil. But of course it can cause huge problems too, especially when addiction is in the mix.

So to sum up, NO ilovehim, you're not to blame if your sex screws up your RA's recovery. And YES, it is highly unwise for you to carry on, just for your own sanity. Beyond that it's up to you.
cli is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 07:23 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: fla
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
li don understand why any woman would want to extend this kind of a relationship, its abusive and he certainly lacks any respect for you.

condoms or or not, it's about having respect for yourself...I hope you look at that. This guy has nothing to offer you. and when it's all said and done he might abscond with more than a one night stand.

did you HEAR what he is saying....i'm horney, i was thinking of you...this is not what you deserve. he doesn't care about anything but scratching his itch. and i would bet he will ask you for some $$ when its all over with or a sad story that he needs for.
I appreciate ir concern amd comments but yes ur assuming to much here...i have alot of respect for myself i am allowing him to use me i am grown and have needs to fulfill and why not with someone i have slept with for the past 3 yrs protected .im ok if he is just satisfying his "itch" because i get mine satisfied as well. do not wnt his love i want sex and that does not define me as a bad person in my eyes and how i see myself is all that matters...but again thank you fandy and just b glad "you respect" yourself the way you define and ill respect me the way i define respect.
ilovehim1104 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 07:29 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
cli
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
did you HEAR what he is saying....i'm horney, i was thinking of you...
Fandy, I understand your point. It's not particularly romantic, but sometimes women like sex too. And being the focus of someone else's horniness is actually kind of a nice thing...
cli is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 08:04 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: fla
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by cli View Post
Yes, well said, Katiekate! I'm still not fully in the "Close your legs. Period." camp, although that's usually the safest option. But I'm also not rushing to judge ilovehim nor her RA either. Sex is usually more nice than it is evil. But of course it can cause huge problems too, especially when addiction is in the mix.

So to sum up, NO ilovehim, you're not to blame if your sex screws up your RA's recovery. And YES, it is highly unwise for you to carry on, just for your own sanity. Beyond that it's up to you.
Thanks alot
ilovehim1104 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 08:15 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: fla
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
ilovehim, maybe you should go back and read all of your previous postings.

Sounded like you were in a lot of pain.

I can guarantee you , if you reinvolve yourself with this guy, it will be more of the same. The handwriting is on the wall.

I do believe he is looking to get his enabler back, you are ripe for the job.

Good luck, we are here, take good care. Katie.
Thanks and i knw therr is some past pain involved u def asked to get opinions good or bad i just was curious i guess deep down if it were just him kinda relapsing in some way shape or form although i did and do have sex with him because i enjoy it and he is familar
..in a nutshell i deep down dnt wana.b his enabler and i have taken alot from all u ladies so thanks for the honesty! i just also feel that because i am ok with it just being sex ..i am not so sure he is idk like i said i can control me and b responsible for my choices and actions and in a cold hearted way really am ok with just sex from.him. thanks ladies and gentleman whom commented!
ilovehim1104 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 08:18 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: fla
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by cli View Post
Fandy, I understand your point. It's not particularly romantic, but sometimes women like sex too. And being the focus of someone else's horniness is actually kind of a nice thing...
Well put cli!
ilovehim1104 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 08:51 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Whatever you decide, please practice safe sex.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 08:55 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: fla
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Whatever you decide, please practice safe sex.
Absolutely
ilovehim1104 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 09:17 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Doesn't it come down to whether or not this guy can respect you as you deserve to be respected? I have no objection to or judgment about booty calls and friends with benefits, as long as nobody is being taken advantage of. This guy is trying to use you as a substitute drug, IMHO, and you deserve better.

Honest, no judgment here but I think the guy is trying to jerk you around for his own benefit.
Sueski is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 09:19 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by onlythetruth View Post
I'm a woman, 14 years sober.

Here's my two cents. It seems to me that you would LIKE to approach this as a simple hook-up, no strings attached, with a guy you know you like to have sex with. But some part of you knows this isn't what's going to happen. That's why you've asked our opinion...because you're afraid you're going to get hurt and you're hoping someone will say you won't.

But here's the thing: you WILL get hurt, and somewhere deep down I think you know it. I think you should run like the wind.
I wish I had heard and listened to these words a long time ago. I did the friends with bennies with my now AXBF, but then we got back together and wasted another 2 years of my life. Ended up quite hurt after it all.
peaches08 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 09:27 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Since when is having sex so important that you would try to have it no strings attached with a person that has emotionally hurt you? (and won't work, btw, you're emotionally invested).

I have to say this. If it is that important, then it is no different than an alcoholic taking a drink. It's not sober thinking.
BlueSkies1 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 10:02 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I don't see it as a lack of respect if you want to get laid, and like it with this guy - we women can be just like men when it comes to sex ain't a thing wrong with it.

That you are coming on here and questioning whether it is a good idea and whether it will hurt his recovery etc. is a big red flag to me. Those thoughts are crossing your mind for a reason and I would pay attention to them. His recovery is his - not really yours to be concerned with when it comes to this subject (sex). I wonder though if you are more concerned about getting back involved with him period. What kind of obligations will occur etc.

You had a relationship before - honestly I don't think its often successful to break up then rewrite the terms of the relationship in this way NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

Unless reconciliation is something you would be up for I would skip it. Too many possible complications here.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 10:08 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Not Alone
 
Natom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
I read the initial post and skimmed the others but from my experience as an addict who has actually done this I would say that the whole situation is bad. He's testing the waters by saying that 'he would feel like he is using you'. It's because he IS using you. There's going to be far too many emotions for him to deal with after any intimate contact with you and it could be detrimental to his recovery. I know it was to mine. I would just advise you to stay well away from the situation and tread softly in the future.
Natom is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 10:28 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Well call me a prude and old fashioned, but I believe I am worth more than being just a warm body.

Without getting graphic here - there are alternatives for sexual release that don't create a big, emotionally complicated mess. Why not explore those before setting yourself up for continued disappointment and drama?
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 10:28 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i think you might benefit from reading your postings back on August 13, when you first joined SR. it seemed you were so very emotionally entwined at that time and seeking help to detach. it's difficult to do that if you are sleeping with him.

i fully understand Friends that F, but this is a big rock around your neck when you jump in the pool. good luck with that cool &cold attitude. If you view sex in that way, you could be kicking him to the curb too.
Fandy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:04 AM.