GettingBy

I'm divorced. And, I found out from my ex.

I had to call him to discuss details regarding our children and he said, "oh, I figured you called because you talked to your lawyer.". Me, "nope, what's up?". Him, "not much , judge filed the divorce decree. You're not my wife anymore."

Boooom. It hit me.

Its over. Not how I expected this... At all.

Some tears (after I hung up!!!!)... But mostly relief.

I'm changing my name back ASAP. Been waiting 7-8 months to do so but for some reason.... Today it feels weird to be changing it. anyone else go through this?

choublak

I didn't know people could get divorced like that.

lillamy

Big hugs to you.
You know, my divorce was (comparatively) super fast. I was chasing my lawyer as if the devil himself was after me. I just wanted it done and over with. I really felt like as long as I was married to AXH, he could... come get me. I know it's irrational, but I didn't feel safe as long as I was married to him.

During those months, I kept telling myself, "Oh GOD I'm going to celebrate the day the divorce comes through! I am going. to. celebrate."

And when that day came, I just felt empty. I walked out of the court house, walked back to my lawyer's office, finished up our business... and walked out. I didn't feel like celebrating. I wasn't exactly sad. But I sure as heck wasn't exactly in a celebratory mood either. I was just... empty.

I guess I was sort of disappointed that it didn't feel like as much of a freedom as I had hoped it would. But then again, I had sort of (like you) acquired that freedom step by step already. Once the divorce was done, it wasn't so much a victory as it was a formality.

GettingBy

Thank you lillamy! That's exactly how I feel.

Our situation was even wierder. We negotiated our Opting out agreement 4 months ago so we were (in my mind or so I thought I felt anyway) already divorced. All that was left was for the attorneys to write up the divorce decree and submit to the judge. About 2 months ago I knew it was done. Was told that it was submitted to the court and that I'd get a call that the judge was all set and the divorce was final or the judge wanted to talk to us.

My attorney didn't call me to tell me. I was talking to my ex about the kids when he brought it up bc his attorney had called him. The whole way I found out was just weird.

But it's over. Thank god.

Jazzman

Congrats on the divorce, as weird as it feels. Funny how the technically the divorce is final as soon as the judge signs the decree, the first to find out and how is really moot but can have a curious impact on emotions. Good on you for changing your name back, IMO that will have more significance than a judges signature on a piece of paper.

I'd plan a spring trip to the Caribbean with a couple friends to celebrate!

dollydo

Changing your name back to your previous name could have been incorporated in the original degree, if it wasn't you can go to the courthouse and get the necessary documentation, easy to do.

Congrats, enjoy yourself!

redatlanta

Congrats!!!

Divorce no matter what the circumstances are is just traumatic. I am glad to read that you are happy its over.

Learn2Live

Thank God you are no longer legally responsible for everything he does! What a relief. So sorry for any residual hurt or sad feelings but they will fade with time, and with the discovery of new-found freedoms!

SparkleKitty

I had the most amicable divorce in history 8 years ago (nothing to directly to do with alcohol abuse, mostly just fallout from being an ACoA), but the day I went to court was still one of the lowest, saddest days of my life. Only one of us had to go, and he didn't want to, which was fine. But when I saw him later that night, he asked me if he could have something -- a DVD? I don't remember -- that had been a gift to me from someone in his family. I wanted it but didn't want to argue so I was off-putting and evasive about it. He kept pushing and pushing it until I finally said, "We can debate every little thing you want to debate for however long you want to debate it. But not today, okay?" He backed off and eventually told me not to worry about the stuff.

Several years later a good friend of mine was going to court to finalize his divorce and I offered to meet him there to just sit with him. He told me his soon-to-be ex was going to be there and that he would be fine. Then the morning of the court date he called and said he changed his mind and wanted someone there with him. I'm glad I could go because I think they were both blind-sided by the emotion of it all. While there were many many tear on that occasion, it made me wish my ex- had made a different choice and been there on our day. But c'est la vie. I'm just happy we're still friends.

I think it doesn't matter how over it is in your mind -- when it becomes official, there's a new stage of grieving that happens. It's normal. I hope you can surround yourself with good people and good things for a few days. Wishing you strength and hope.

Thumper

I understand that feeling. Lillamy described it so well. Just sort of empty. I took my wedding ring off that day and that was sad. For me that ring symbolized a lot - all the dreams I had in the beginning and taking it off and not seeing it there was very real. I cried for the loss of those dreams. I was relieved about the divorce though. I didn't have to go to court either. The lawyers filed and the judge signed. I can't remember if the lawyer called or if I just got something in the mail.

I took the name change out of my divorce at the last minute. There were sooooo many changes being made in those 3mos and I was afraid of so many of them. I didn't know how the kids would react in a new school if my name was different etc. I regret it now and wish I had my old name back. I can still change it anytime I want. I might some day.

FindingPeace1

I was super numb, too!
Just like Thumper, I couldn't let go of the name.
It was so much to lose, and it gave me some comfort, somehow.
It's a better name, too.
It still feels weird to use his name, but I prefer it...
I haven't settled on what to do with that darn name.

Thumper

Make a new last name up. I've thought about doing that. Kind of cool

If rock stars can do it so can we!

Tuffgirl

GB, I too felt weird. And some days, still get emotional about it. But I think the emotions stems from feeling sorry for myself and my girls that we didn't get the dream we were promised and thought we were going to have. Still feeling let down, I guess.

I didn't change my name back...it was quite a challenge to change it when I married him because I have a career. So I kept his, but it does bother me some days.

fedup3

I can understand, I was married for 39 yrs and it took all of 5 minutes to bring it to a close, ugh. My ring finger still has the grooves in it from wearing the ring for so long. It's all so sad, the end of a chapter, the dreams gone, but now I have a new life that I'm adjusting to and enjoying it as well. I'm now making new dreams and you will as well. Oh, I kept my married name because I had it twice as long as my single name, it just felt like the right thing to do.

Florence

:/

Thinking about you today. xo

Titanic

I'm informing "Go Shannon Go" guy ... maybe he can spray "Shannon aGo Gone" properly!

All the best to you!

GettingBy

So... I'm having such a wonderful day today (even though the workload has been absolute hell!!!).

Every one at work has been SOOOO amazing with their response to my name change Side note: I interviewed with this company 10 years ago under my maiden name so most folks had a hard time adjusting to the married name once I was working here! Everyone has given me great positive feedback.

I can't begin to explain how free and at peace I feel. I have absolutely LOVED hearing them call me "Ms. <maiden name>"!!! Puts a HUGE smile on my face everytime they say it!

It's so amazing how far I have come since last October. I would have NEVER imagined life would be this good.

lillamy

Your attorney should be slapped. Metaphorically, of course.

TakingCharge999

Oh I get the feeling, when asked if I have a boyfriend or husband, saying "I am single" is so GREAT, as if I am free of abusive situations and back to my own world..

Some people who have asked kind of feel sorry for me, but perhaps they have had good romantic relationships. And I let them down with my happiness related to being single

Hugs, its a process, weirdness is expected.. in fact I am finding life in general is like that. . its motto "Expect the Unexpected"



Congrats, I would also plan a trip, to the beach, to a charming town, or to a spa. And I would keep planning them even if there is no "reason" but to enjoy, feel good

GettingBy

I will not use the label "divorced"!!!! I keep saying... "I'm single now!" means the same thing but it's a positive perspective!!!