ZiggyB

okay, so next week it will actually be 3 months since my breakup with axbf.

We have not had any contact for a while, and I am mostly fine aside from the feelings of anger I am still trying to work through, they were coming up again last night. Angry at him, angry at his enabler friends, angry at myself for getting involved in it, and angry at booze in general. I cared about him so much...

Sometimes the angry feelings go away but then they come back with a venegance.

Do you guys think al-anon would help me at this point? If not I'd love to hear other suggestions.

Learn2Live

I haven't gotten to the anger point yet Ziggy. But I think that in general, anger can be constructive, if you can turn that energy around and use it for something useful for you. I did learn in anger management that when you feel anger, examine it to see what expectations exist behind the anger.

MamaKit

ZiggyB,
I can't say from experience whether Alanon would be helpful, since I've yet to go to a meeting myself (made it to the parking lot though). But, I can't imagine in anyway that it would hurt. I'm sure these feelings of recurring anger will be understood by those in attendance.
One thing I would like to offer, since it's something that I've been dealing with too, is that mayber anger isn't always bad. I grew up in a home where the expression of anger was discouraged. On the whole, my home was very happy and maybe the discouraging of anger played a part in that. But one result of that, is that I am so uncomfortable with that feeling. Either from others or in myself. If I ever expressed anger to my STBAXH, it certainly did not go over well. I think my brain was wired to read anger as something to stifle because it would only cause greater problems with my A.
But I'm learning that sometimes anger is what I need to protect myself. Of course, anger can become too consuming and interfere with our lives in a negative way. We all need to be careful about that.
I think anger keeps me from falling into a bad pattern of codependent thoughts or behaviors. I try and figure out where I am mentally when those angry feelings come up. For me, here's usually a reason. Maybe it is that I need to remember that I did not deserve the name calling and cruel treatment.
Maybe these waves of anger are exactly what a normie would feel in our situation.
I'm not sure if this makes sense, as I've typed in haste.

Be kind to yourself ZiggyB,
MamaKit

BlueSkies1

ziggy,
Your anger may be a protective mechanism within yourself when you start thinking of your xabf, to never let what happened to you happen again.
You might need to identify that anger more completely, because other possibilities are--you are angry with yourself and this can not only cause depression but can be self-demeaning, or, you are upset that you have gone this long without talking to him and you are angry that he hasn't tried to contact, or, that your anger can sometimes even be not good for you--if it is keeping you from progressing forward.
A little jumbled, sorry, but what I am trying to say is identify that anger so that you can determine whether it is protecting you, holding you back, or helping to move you forward.

Also maybe reading this sticky will help: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ithdrawal.html

lillamy

Absolutely.
Here's what I think: Whether or not the A is still in your life, the effects of his drinking are. Al-Anon can be a way for you to figure out what unhealthy coping behaviors you developed during the relationship, and replace them with healthy ones (or remove them because in a healthy realtionship, you don't need coping behaviors). Also, Al-Anon can help you figure out what it was in you that made you fall for a destructive man in the first place.

I've spent six years in Al-Anon and two years with a good therapist and I think I've got a pretty good idea of why I used to fall for Men With Issues.

My A is out of my life, but I still go to meetings, still read the literature. I'm still growing and recovering.

ZiggyB

Thanks for the input, guys. Also I enjoyed reading the sticky about withdrawal.

I agree that anger can be constructive sometimes. I think the reason I am angry at myself is I allowed the verbal abuse and the bad behavior to go on way too long. It was virtually impossible for me to detach from this person even though I was hurt time and time again. I have been talking to a therapist about it, I am sure it is an issue of self-esteem... but I was rather hoping the anger would be fading by now. It is unhealthy, I think, it makes my stomach hurt and it's hard to fall asleep sometimes.

Maybe I will check out an al-anon meeting this week.

marusea

i still havent got over the anger...sometimes i fell like my blood is boiling...i tried for a while no contact with him, i rang him and i explained that im done with him and he should respect my decision and leave me alone to get on with my life. he continued txting me for 2 days wich i didnt reply. but then 2 weeks went on without any contact and i was more angry then ever...thats it he just gave up. then he texts me to see how am i Good God i was even more angry-how dares he to even ask? i have no idea what is going on with me, dont understand myself anymore,no matter what he does good or bad it still gets my blood boiling...I hope it will die down in time...dont know what to do with all this anger, i tried scrubbing the house top to bottom it worked for a while but then i ran out of things to clean

BlueSkies1

I was angry 24/7 for ten years, don't feel bad.

This might help--asking yourself what are the ways that the A made me feel badly about myself?
Don't know if it applies to you, but I now realize that my AXH KNEW when my self-esteem was down, and he ran with it more often than not.

CentralOhioDad

Dang, too bad you don't live closer - I could use some help around the house!!

ZiggyB

He definitely knew what my weaknesses were and would try to exploit them more often than not... if we had an argument about his drinking he would turn it around on me that I wasn't neat and orderly enough (you're not perfect either, blah blah blah). If I didn't want to hang out with him and his alcoholic friends at a drinking party, he would accuse me of being socially anxious. He picked me apart constantly, would belittle my interests including books I wanted to read, especially on any issue of spirituality (he didn't need spirituality, he had vodka). He would complain if I wanted to go out to a nice restaurant but he had enough money to go to the bar all the time.

Then there was the name calling, the gas lighting, his temper tantrums which would go off for no reason. When I tried to call him on his behavior he'd admit to being rude, obnoxious, whatever and then go right back to doing it again a few weeks or even days later.

I know he was a jerk - I need stronger boundaries. Now I'm 44 and last night I was thinking I don't want to try to make any more relationships work.

Katiekate

For me, anger is just a good cover up.

For hurt, shame, self hate.

That's just me. Underneath intense anger for me there is always something about me.

Tuffgirl

I learned a lot of new strategies at Al-Anon meetings, costing me $1 per meeting. My therapist was $140 per appt. I highly recommend Al-Anon!!!

Working the steps also helped with resentments.

fluffyflea

Give yourself time to process the breakup.


Ngaire

LifeRecovery

I am a fan of therapy and Al-Anon.

Therapy has helped me work on what I know is mine. Al-Anon has helped me to figure out what is mine (and often more importantly what is not mine).

Anger was really helpful to me when I was able to pick apart being angry (helpful) and being angry are me (not so helpful more along the lines of self-whipping).

I was in Al-Anon for four months and still in my relationship. We seperated over two years ago, and Al-anon continues to support me in my recovery.

Cyranoak

...please try a few meetings and see what you think.

Cyranoak

ZiggyB

Yeah.... I feel like the thinking about him has gone on for long enough. I was hoping that the processing would be over by now. I am so sure he could care less about me...

LifeRecovery

Not processing was what my ex did.

It is hard to "be" with that when I felt all consumed.

marusea

i kept my ex at distance for the last 3 and a half weeks now. it was very very hard i was so sad. he didnt try to contact me for a while but then he started sending pics,really stupid pics like i got one with a dead rat lieng on his back-he thoughed its funny and sent it to me,a bit mad considering that we werent talking, i didnt want to speak with him unless its about our little girl. then yesterday we had a long conversation on the phone it was about our little girl at first but then somehow he manage to stir the conversation. He kept sayng how miserable he is and how he's suffering as a result of his actions and decisions(he left me and our little girl for another addict like himself but not before cheating on me with her for 2 months) then i said its not my buisness and he should deal with it. he got angry and asked me if thats how i want it to be i said i want him to look at me and respect me as the mother of his child. he got mad and said a very angry FINE!!! i dont know why i have this feeling that he is slowly trieng to make his way back in my life....am i being paranoid??? then he start talking about his girlgriend sayng he wants to go away for the weekend with her and our little girl. he knows i woudnt like that,what sick game is this?again im wondering if im overeacting or he is really playng mind games? i was talking to his mum and of course she said im overreacting...

Lulu39

I know how that feels.

Titanic

Al-Anon: Yes. I hope you have tried a meeting or six!

Keep us posted on how it went, what you liked and what you took from it (some useful reads?).

Anger: a secondary emotion indeed, Katiekate. There's always something behind it that IS what really matters. Add to hurt, shame and self-hate, lack of control or letting someone's choices affect/dictate your life. Al-Anon materials are full of helpful stuff on dealing with anger over the A and generally. Awareness (including Acknowledgment), Acceptance & Action (setting aside and letting go). Think, don't react. Etc.