ZiggyB

I have social anxiety so that makes it difficult for me to force myself to go to meetings much less talk at them. But I have been reading lots of the literature and trying to sort my feelings out. Right now I'm tired of having feelings....

Titanic

Many members don't make a peep for meetings and meetings in a row ... then they open their mouths and it's like a mighty river of pain, relief, anger, confusion, heartache and questions. We're like thinking, oh yeah, that's the newcomer ME I remember. You've been a member of our country club without knowing it ... you've paid your dues and assessments already ... like each and every one of us has. Welcome, here's the tissue box and these our our shoulders and our open arms.

Lynnrae2

Ziggy,

To me it seems as though we could have similar stories. I feel like I relate to you because of the fact that I just recently left my A. Thanks for all you replies.

One of the problems I have is getting angry. I am the type that tries to understand and tries to put myself in the others shoes.

In fact, when I went through my counseling...I was advised to learn how to express my anger.

So keep feeling your anger. I am sure it is exhausting but that anger might be what keeps you moving forward.

ZiggyB

Thanks, I am trying. The anger is difficult because I am worried it will never go away and end up turning into bitterness and resentment. I seem to be moving between anger and fear. It's odd that I have noticed all of these feelings of abandonment coming up - that's also kind of unpleasant but I'm trying to work through it. I don't want my past experience with this jerk to turn me into an emotional cripple, but I think it's going to take a while to move on. I loved this guy so much and it's still unbelievable how nasty and rude he was to me in the last few months...

trying to stay positive! thanks for the support!

cli

I've struggled with this one as well... It is important to keep the anger focused outward, where it belongs. What helped for me was the realization that it takes a great deal of strength to stay. I am capable of so much love and empathy for another person, both of which are beautiful qualities in "healthy" relationships. I'm NOT weak and mousey for staying as long as I did. It's quite the opposite! Now I wear it like a badge of honor.

lizloh

I feel anger is really just a form of suppressed sadness. Would it help if when you are feeling anger, you tried to find the sadness connection? Especially because you are angry at the specifics, I mean his friends, your enabling. I feel my anger is my sadness manifested

((hugs))

ZiggyB

Thanks, I have anger and sadness and they alternate. I think I get angry when my boundaries are crossed and they were many times. Not to mention the broken promises, etc. It is all very tough to process and let go of.

cli

Yup! A wise friend once told me that depression is anger turned inward.

ZiggyB, you have every right to be furious. And you have every right to grieve as well. Just try not to confuse the two!

And when I say a wise friend "once" told me, I mean he had to repeat it hundreds of times! So go easy on yourself. You didn't invite abuse simply because you have self-esteem issues, and believing that certainly doesn't help your self-esteem, does it? That's just another trap you're falling into, blaming yourself for the terrible treatment you've endured.

Again, keep the anger outward, where it belongs. No matter what your own issues are, you did NOT deserve any of that crap! True sorrow is OK. Cry as much as you want. None of us would be on these forums if we didn't love our As enough to cry for them... But like lizloh says, try to check your thoughts and be sure that your anger and/or sadness aren't getting mixed up!


Many huge HUGS, from the exact same sad and angry boat...

ZiggyB

Thanks, I am trying...

I did see my therapist on Friday and she says I am tormenting myself so clearly this is not good. I decided over the weekend I need to let go of the anger especially at myself because it's ruining my mental health and I want to be able to move forward sooner rather than later. I mean, feeling the anger is good but obsessing over it is probably not so good.

It is difficult to recognize that I didn't deserve the bad treatment; of course he tried to blame it all on me so he wouldn't have to take any responsibility for it and he could walk away feeling like some great guy. Ugh.

Tuffgirl

Mine did too. And you know what? He was sorely mislead by his own distorted thinking, to the point of making things up to justify his actions. It was truly amazing to watch someone create a fantasy to avoid his own feelings of failure.

You know your truth. Stand up for it (in your head) and stop torturing yourself over what is already done. Make a list of everything you believe you did right. Carry it around in your pocket until its committed to memory. And focus on today only.

Learn2Live

It's going to take a while to get the a$$hat out of your head. First time I went through this, after hanging on and trying to make it work for a year and a half, I was finally able to break free by simply judging him for being a slimeball, and every other negative thing I could think of. No, it's not a great way to think for too long, it's better to detach with love, but if you're not there yet you're just not there yet. So maybe give judging him a try, become disgusted by what he does. It worked for me but eventually tru to let go of the disgust and move on.

ZiggyB

I have tried that as well and then I end up being even more angry... :-)

Learn2Live

Sooner or later ya have to just decide you're not going to give him another moment of your time. Your anger belongs to you-he's got nothing to do with it. Seriously.

ZiggyB

I know and I hope I get to that point soon.

Learn2Live

I watched a documentary the other day where they were chronicling events around a serial rapist. They interviewed this girl who was raped by this man when she was, I believe, 14. I was amazed by what she said about how she reacted to it, esp at such a young age. She said that she decided he would get ONE DAY. She would let him have only that one day to bother her, mess up her life, but after that she was moving on. We can make the choice to move on too. Leave the past behind and get busy living. There is so much more in this world that deserves our attention than same drunk or stoned guy. All they do is divert us from enjoying life while we're with them. I've had enough of letting some pothead drunk rule my thoughts, make me feel bad, and affect my life. Enough is enough already. Time to take the garbage out for good.

ZiggyB

Thanks for that. Also I was told (by my shrink) that the reason I am having a difficult time letting go of it all is that I haven't found anything to replace it with yet. You know, catering to the needs of some vodka soaked narcissist is actually very time consuming! I am tired of feeling bad myself. It's time I focus on rebuilding my life and getting my recovery in order.

Learn2Live

I listen to Alanis Morrisette every morning and scream with her on the way to work. It helps.

hope5543

Anger is not a sin Jesus even got angry in the Bible even turned over tables. What we do with our anger is another story. Don't let your anger lead to sin. I had a counselor tell me "women are often to quick to forgive, sometimes staying angry for awhile keeps our boundaries in place, reminds us we've been hurt and it's ok to be angry." I'm going to try Al-Anon this week for the first time I'll let you know how it goes. I'm actually very excited to meet people who will understand how I feel. I'm praying God will send me a good female friend. All my friends have families and are so busy and are in a different place in life than I am right now. Maybe Al-Anon can be that place for you too. Hugs!

ZiggyB

lol - I also saw this today and thought "ding ding ding"
Narcissism and Codependence

what a fool I have been!

kindness2012

fantastic