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Old 09-10-2012, 10:05 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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ACOA is the "figures" why!

The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

ACA meetings might help him.
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Old 09-10-2012, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass View Post
Here's another possible outcome--

Liz, let's say he gives up drinking.
Then, you ask him to become more of a practicing Christian, and he says naw, that's not for me at all.
Then he is sober every evening. He's aware, awake, and in your presence with HIS personality, not the personality you want him to have.
He--has interests that he wants you to take part in, and they're not church.
He--does want more sex.
He--wants to have lengthy conversations with you, and not with your son around. He wants a marriage...not two people living in one house.
He--wants you to stop using your son as a shield between you.
He--wants you to stop home schooling, and wants you to get a job.

Now what Liz? Are you sure you want HIM, sober?
I guess when we talk about possible outcomes, there could be all kinds of possibilities. Is that what you're getting at here?

There was a guy at our church who became a quadriplegic when he was hit by a rogue wave while on vacation in Hawaii. He and his wife had 3 young children, they were living the American dream with the big house, good job, etc. Anyway, that was 4 years ago and their whole family and way of life completely changed. He and his wife got divorced 2 years ago, because of the stress of the rehab and recovery for him and what it did to their marriage. It completely changed both of them, some for the better and some for the worst.

I guess anything in life can change us (both from internal and/or external factors) and sometimes we have to choose whether we still want to continue living with that person and those particular changes. I once asked my aunt why she got divorced and she said, "you know, he just CHANGED. He just wasn't the same carefree spirit I had married. He was motivated by money, his business, and prestige. All things I could care less about and we just grew apart." I think about her sharing that with me and I realize that it's not always addictions or affairs that break up marriages, there are so many other factors. My AH's attitude towards life and humanity really drag me down; can I live with this for the next 30 years? Can I guard my heart against his negativity for that much longer? How much mental and emotional effort am I willing to put in towards a marriage with someone who always sees the glass half empty? I just don't know anymore, or maybe I'm just too weak to admit that yes, I want him to change back to the way he was before and that I really just don't like who he is now.

My son went to counseling this AM. Turns out he wants to know lots of things, mostly about dad. Why does dad hate this? Why does dad hate that? Why does dad lie? Why does he take medication? His anxiety isn't much better, he's always ranting about stuff. It was a huge weight off my shoulders to be able to hand him off to someone else! I'm really hoping that a third party will help him sort out his own feelings about his dad, without my influence or contribution. I always feel that it's hard to NOT throw AH under the bus when it's obvious that their actions affect their offspring!
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Old 09-10-2012, 12:44 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Liz,
I bet your son already knows A LOT!
I focused so much on protecting my boys from their Dad's alcoholism and all that goes with it. I thought I put on a good front. My STBXAH was also very negative, about the world, people in general, friends, my family...he didn't discriminate. He could never let go of negative things in his life that had long since passed.

A few days after it sank in that Mom and Dad would no longer be together. My oldest son, 10 years old and a worrier (anxious), said to me. "Mom, why did you wait so long?"
He knew for quite some time that I was staying in an unacceptable situation. He wasn't engaging in magical thinking.
Several weeks later, he said to me: "It's nice to know that I will always have you and a place where I can feel normal"
His anxiety, despite the upheaval of moving and the separation, has diminished.

Liz, I am always so interested in your posts. My hope for you is that you find the path that will bring you peace, whatever that may be. You deserve it.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Old 09-10-2012, 02:12 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MamaKit View Post
Liz,
I bet your son already knows A LOT!
I focused so much on protecting my boys from their Dad's alcoholism and all that goes with it. I thought I put on a good front. My STBXAH was also very negative, about the world, people in general, friends, my family...he didn't discriminate. He could never let go of negative things in his life that had long since passed.

A few days after it sank in that Mom and Dad would no longer be together. My oldest son, 10 years old and a worrier (anxious), said to me. "Mom, why did you wait so long?"
He knew for quite some time that I was staying in an unacceptable situation. He wasn't engaging in magical thinking.
Several weeks later, he said to me: "It's nice to know that I will always have you and a place where I can feel normal"
His anxiety, despite the upheaval of moving and the separation, has diminished.

Liz, I am always so interested in your posts. My hope for you is that you find the path that will bring you peace, whatever that may be. You deserve it.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Yes, my son knows way more than I give him credit for, I'm sure. And, my son is also a very anxious person. He has Tourette's and ADHD, too, and that makes it hard to work with him sometimes as the tics get in the way of his movements or ability to read. Yet, he's not bothered by them and neither am I. I'm most concerned about his ADHD as this affects him worse.

Thank you for caring enough to read my ups and downs as I travel on this path. And, I totally relate to what you said about your STBXAH, my AH does not discriminate. Everyone is at risk of being fodder to him, being put down by him, and being a target by him verbally. I guess I just got burnt out of listening to him complain about my mother, complain about his family, criticize my sister and her poor choices for her life, and then throw every other human under the bus. I wonder, though, if the problem is ME. Are there other humans out there who would look at my AH and be able to listen to him rant and rave without it getting under their skin? I guess sometimes I wonder if maybe there's someone else out there for my AH who can handle him better than I can?
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Old 09-10-2012, 02:50 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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((Liz))

just dropping by to give you one of my PINK HUGS for strength, courage and wisdom as you walk your path!

Hope you and all in your home have a peaceful evening

Rita
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:43 PM
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now you hit something there.....
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Old 09-12-2012, 10:19 AM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I guess when we talk about possible outcomes, there could be all kinds of possibilities. Is that what you're getting at here?
I suppose that is part of it. If your H gets sober, he may want to have more say in the family life than he does right now, and how your son is raised, etc., and he may not want to do things your way. Realize that if he did quit drinking, it would empower HIM, not you. He would find more of a voice, and follow through on his wants more often because they would be more doable and rational wants. What if those wants are sober, and rational, but they don't coincide with your wants?
I think what I was really getting at though is this--you don't like who your H is right now.
What if he doesn't completely like who you are?
You want him to change. Are you willing to change for him?
That's how I see the only possibility to save your marriage. Compromise, give and take, and working together toward common goals.
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Old 09-12-2012, 06:54 PM
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It's a moving target, relationship-wise AND alcoholism-wise. That's why we take it One Day and One Step at a time. Easy DOES IT.
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Old 09-12-2012, 07:23 PM
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One thing that really has been standing out as I read your story is that both you and your husband want the other person to be something you are not. It's almost painful to watch. I suppose because it reminds me of the way my ex-H and I used to be--even through counseling. No acceptance, just expectations of change placed on the other.

If the two of you can accept each other and love each other as you are right now--warts and all--with no expectation of change. Fantastic! If not, one or both of you is going to have to make the decision to end the power struggle (or stubborn fest, if you will) in which you are engaged. And it will continue unless something changes Oy! but this reminds me of myself and my ex!!

I'm so sorry I hope things will improve for you soon!
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Old 09-12-2012, 07:50 PM
  # 70 (permalink)  
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People grow apart sometimes. Again, I don't think the drinking is the big issue here. It sounds more like two people who, for whatever reason, have grown apart but it wasn't really addressed until your husband got the DUI. Since then, you have been unhappy with the way he handled that, and continue to realize how many annoying habits he has and opened your eyes to the way he pretty much disrespects you. I doubt all that just started when the got the DUI, it's just that the DUI caused you to really look at things and realize how unhappy you have been for a long time. It gives you something to point to.

I agree that it seems like you both want the other one to be someone you just aren't. Perhaps it didn't really capture your attention until the DUI incident, but now it has and you can't put the cats back in the sack.

I also agree that if you cannot accept each other just as you both are right now, someone has to make a decision to split the sheets. I have had a feeling that you are afraid you will lose a certain lifestyle if you separate and that is probably true. You have to decide which is more important...your serenity and peace of mind, or your Lexus, big house, not having to work, being able to home school your son, vacations to exotic places, etc.
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