One thing that really has been standing out as I read your story is that both you and your husband want the other person to be something you are not. It's almost painful to watch. I suppose because it reminds me of the way my ex-H and I used to be--even through counseling. No acceptance, just expectations of change placed on the other.
If the two of you can accept each other and love each other as you are right now--warts and all--with no expectation of change. Fantastic! If not, one or both of you is going to have to make the decision to end the power struggle (or stubborn fest, if you will) in which you are engaged. And it will continue unless something changes
Oy! but this reminds me of myself and my ex!!
I'm so sorry
I hope things will improve for you soon!